Getting Over a Breakup

[cherryq]

I've been in a very rough spot the past few days since my girlfriend broke up with me Thursday night. We were friends for 2+ years, then together/dating for about 2 years. Being two women, we've had our share of difficulties coming out to friends/coworkers, and we couldn't successfully come out to either set of parents while dating. To them, we were just close friends (and besides being girlfriends, we were each other's closest friend). When she broke up with me, she told me that if she had it her way, she'd marry me, but instead, she had this strong internal conviction that what we were doing and the relationship we shared was wrong. She wanted to go back to just being friends, if possible. She can't stand to lose my friendship, but we can't date anymore or do anything couples do (hold hands, snuggle, kiss, etc). She came out to her parents about her sexuality (bi) and our relationship a couple days prior to the breakup, out of desperation because she had been struggling for a couple weeks with negative feelings about our relationship (is it wrong, can she make it work with her faith, etc). She was in town this week for a work class and the plans had been that she would stay here, so her work wasn't paying for a hotel for her. We tried just being friends, but we're both in a lot of pain, so she booked a hotel to have space. She left last night to go stay there.

My mental state has been very negative since we broke up, and I've been feeling despair. I was talking to someone yesterday and ended up with a crisis counselor from my county's police department talking to me in my home to make sure I was going to be safe to myself. I don't have many friends, only a few acquaintances, and even fewer of these are in the area that I live (others are 4-5 hours away). After a long talk with someone I trust last night (Monday night), I was able to recognize that the dating part of our relationship is over, and I've changed a lot of pictures that I have on various sites, phone background, etc. I took off the ring she gave me before bed. But I feel like this is all such a nightmare, like it can't possibly be happening for real.

Is it possible to get past this place and remain friends with an ex? I don't make friends easily, and I feel like I'm condemned to be forever alone. I grew up with the same background she did, and over time, I've been pushing away some of the same feelings about our relationship that ultimately led her to breakup with me. With this is mind, how will I ever find a woman to be in my life and feel fulfilled, happy, and loved without shadows of doubt that the happiness may one day burst? And how will I find someone, anyone, at all? I am demisexual and gay. I have a mild attraction to women, zero attraction to men, and can't fathom a romantic relationship without a firm friendship already happening (in this case, 2+ years). And I don't know how to connect with people enough to make friends. How do I move on, yet stay friends with her? And how do I heal when my future has very lonely prospects?

 

[paloftoon]

Well many exes don't become friends because if they could become friends, it is very likely they could become partners. Ironically, I am trying to do the same thing, but it has been over 2 months since my breakup. My breakup could not have been more civil than it was. We even had a discussion of staying as friends during the breakup and even two weeks after it. However, there's been no reciprocation on his end. Also, a week after we had that discussion, I couldn't talk about what I think I needed to apologize for. The feelings on the other side hurt too much. My ex couldn't even challenge me on what I think happened. He just broke it off. If exes mutually agree to break it off, it's much easier for them to be friends. If one person broke it off, and they don't need to tell you why, especially if it's over quirks, because it will never be satisfying enough for either end. For serious issues, they should at least be mentioned, but not everyone has the courage to cause friction even when it should be caused a bit. It's healthier to communicate and be honest, but these are two big things besides finance that break a relationship up.

It's not always possible, but you can try. When you do reach out, only mention positive things and keep focused on only being platonic. If the other person does bring up relationship stuff, then that gives you a door to reciprocate back on that. Otherwise, probably best just to ask to meet in-person to ask about building up a platonic friendship. Since you're the one asking, see if the meeting happens. If it does, then if you two level on how you will meetup and what's acceptable and what's not (like meeting his or her family and friends, if going to his cousin's party is okay or not, etc.), then wait for the other person to reciprocate communication.

If not, maybe about 6 months later, if it is still bothering you (which it probably will since it would for me too and since you are asking and I am answering from experience, LOL) you can then express your concerns that the platonic friendship is not really there or attempting to build probably because of our previous time together. Don't get specific unless asked. Just allude to it. Then break it off, but tell the person you won't block them and that they can contact you. They probably won't or they could change their mind if they find someone else to be with. That's the best you can do. This will help you to move on knowing that you could do all that you could do to try to make the experience that much more worthwhile in terms of emotional investment.