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Getting Married

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by savi83, Mar 18, 2018.

  1. savi83

    savi83 Well-Known Member

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    I have been with my girlfriend for ten years now and we are looking at starting a family within the next couple of years. Inbetween we would like to get married.

    I think we would've got married ages ago but there have been a few things that worried me.
    • Choosing a Best Man: Would it be weird to have my father as my Best Man. Other than my parents and girlfriend I don't really have anyone that I would ask.
    • Speeches: I hate public speaking and being made the centre of attention.
    • Stag Do: The idea of having one makes me feel uncomfortable. When I think of a stag do, I think of men getting drunk and acting like idiots. It's something that I could do without.
    • Rings: I don't like jewellery, and I've seen incidents where people have lost or desleeved fingers due to wearing rings.
    • Guests: Who to invite? I've got a really small circle of people that I mix with but my girlfriend has a quite a few. It would look odd my side having only a couple of people and her side having over forty.
    What are your views on marriage, what was your wedding like?
     
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  2. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    my sisters wedding would look small compare to what you have!there were 30 people in the room at the most and that was too many for me.
    you should talk to @kay !she got married three days ago !I think she probably had less people there than my sister !and I don't imagine there was much public speaking !she said her mother and father were the same !it's just normal for us !people are going to have to accept that! people do it every day ,I know it was fictional but look at the scene from Romeo and Juliet !there were four people !!!there including Romeo and Juliet it's nobody's business but yours .
     
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  3. WereBear

    WereBear License to Weird V.I.P Member

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    You don't have a do a thing you don't want to do. None of your concerns need concern you. Do what makes the two of you happy, and Congratulations!
     
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  4. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    You can have a wedding just the way you want it. That includes a stag do/ bachelor party. If you don’t want one, skip it. If you do want one, discuss what you do and don’t want with the one planning it.
    For instance, for his stag do, a friend of mine just went camping/ hiking with his closest friends for 3 days.

    My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage, we’ll probably get married at some point in the future but we don’t see it as a necessity. We do know that the wedding is not going to be traditional as neither of us really sees the point. So no hundreds of guests, months upon months of planning, no stress. Just an intimate event with our friends and loved ones.
     
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  5. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    if you're feeling overwhelmed think about The day after the wedding.
    i'm not great at mindfulness I have to work hard at it but it starts to work after a while.
     
  6. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    $10 colorado.

    But it may be a day to put your girlfriend first, depends on her position on weddings...
     
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  7. Catana

    Catana Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    There's nothing that says you have to go through all that nonsense. If neither of you can see the point, don't let other people pressure you to do something you don't want. If necessary, work out a compromise. My wedding: me, my fiance, the pastor (because we couldn't find anyone for a civil ceremony at the time), and two witnesses. Total number of people: five. Our marriage lasted 40 years, until my husband's death.
     
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  8. Katleya

    Katleya Sarcasm Lover V.I.P Member

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    I'm neutral on marriage, and I've been with my boyfriend for over 15 years. But I need to factor in that in our situation, being married would negatively affect us financially, and the religious commitment is irrelevant since him & I were raised in different religions, and wouldn't be able to do that unless one of us converted, so in the end, we have little incentive to get married.
    For some reason I never got, people like to pick me as their witness, so there was a time until my early 30s when I attended more weddings than I thought I ever would.

    Now, pertaining to your concerns:
    • Choosing a Best Man: I don't see why you couldn't pick your father as your best man. Is it common? Probably not, but does that really matter? If that's what you feel makes sense, and you don't see other people whom you'd like to play that role, I feel it's better to have your father do it than some random buddy whose friendship doesn't mean as much to you than your relationship with your father. Besides, if you were to pick a friend who's not that invested in the friendship, you might run the risk of some flaking and whatnot.
    • Speeches: I've seen weddings with speeches and wedding sans speeches. One thing I've never seen in an angry mob pressuring the groom into making a speech they didn't want to do. So I think you can skip the speech if you aren't comfortable with giving one, and nobody would be mad at you.
    • Stag Do: I guess if your father is your pick for best man, then this kind of solves the problem. But in case it doesn't, I hope your friends would respect the limits you've set, and agree to do something that's more suitable to your personality. I remember when my friends thought I'd be among the first ones to marry (lol), I had warned them that if I were indeed to get married & anyone even tried to surprise me with a bachelorette party, they would be uninvited to the wedding (harsh, but got the point across that I wasn't about to be humiliated, drunk and in some noisy place avoiding male strippers. Although I can't say if it really worked, since I haven't gotten married, ha).
    • Rings: I suppose your girlfriend is aware of that fact. One thing you could do, maybe, is have a basic wedding band for the ritual ring exchange, but then agree on either not wearing it all all, or wearing it in another manner (maybe a chain, but if you don't like jewellery I don't think you want that on your neck either, or wearing the ring on something significant that you always carry with you...heck, even turning it into some kind of pocketwatch-like contraption might work). For what it's worth, my (Aspie) parents never wore their rings, and that hasn't kept them from being the only non-divorced couple in their respective families, so there's that ;)
    • Guests: That's probably best discussed with your girlfriend in the exact words you used here. I don't have much advice to offer here. But one of my cousins did this smaller destination wedding thing, and both her & her husband only had their respective parents & siblings for guests).
    Overall, you will need to discuss all of these points with your girlfriend anyway. I don't think she would have a problem with the first 2 points, but she might need your insight on the wedding ring issue, and you'll definitely need to agree on the guest list. Good luck with the preparation when that stage begins!
     
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  9. kay

    kay Well-Known Member

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    Just got married and did it at the courthouse and only had our two witnesses as guest. No best men or bridesmaids. My husband went to his usual Wednesday night discussion group the night before, no bachelor party.

    Unless your girlfriend is wanting to do the big wedding thing there is no reason to do more than the minimum required. Marriage seems like a personal thing to me and not a show to put on for guests so I saw no reason to suffer through more than I had to.

    And even what I did was stressful enough. Who was driving whom to the courthouse? Who were the witnesses going to be? And for our micro reception (8 total including my husband and me) what type of crackers to serve with the chicken salad?

    If you do go the larger wedding route remember, you guys can do it how you want it simply doesn't matter what most people do. Fathers can certainly be best men. Rings are not required and there are safer options such as tattoo rings and silicone.

    I'd suggest looking at Offbeat bride for less traditional wedding ideas for everything from simple elopements, to huge shin-digs with the bride and groom playing with the band at the reception.

    Goodluck!
     
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  10. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    Save the money.

    You're going to need it.
     
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  11. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    When my husband and I got married, the same day, we went hunting for a dress and I made do with this awful thing lol and we even prepared the food for the few guests we had and actually went around picking some of them up! We were married in a registery office and the thing that petrified me most, was forgetting what the person said to repeat and I believe I did panic and forget, but got through the ordeal.

    We were surprised that we received a few gifts actually and even more surprised when my new mother and brother in law, took us out for a meal and we only spent one night on a honeymoon.

    My rings are very simple and in fact, my engagement ring, I saw a girl wearing one and saw it was not actually an engagment ring at all; just a dress ring and sadly, perhaps due to my immaturity, I hid my hand because I felt embarrassed at the time.

    Basically, as you can read, we did not have a remotedly traditional wedding and besides that, my brother in law insisted on taking our wedding photos and ruined them, because he was useless and so, do not even have a wedding album to be proud of.

    We met around December time, starting dating in Janurary and that July, got married and although our marriage is a very hard one, we are constantly trying to make it worth and have been married 27 year's this year.

    But I get what you mean, because we feel that we must stay within the box, despite not wanting to be in the box, so since your girlfriend knows you, I would be surprised if she demanded to have all the traditional part?
     
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