Foreplay

[tapian]

Does anyone have trouble with foreplay? In other words is anybody in a relationship with an Aspie who has a hard time warming up to sex? My boyfriend doesn't seem interested in sex very often but when he is its very mechanical and direct. No romance. Very frustrating. Feedback?

 

[Ste11aeres]

They say that men in general are less interested in foreplay than are women in general.

 

[tapian]

any suggestions on how to approach him about it without making him feel like he sucks in bed?

 

[nowwhat]

I am very typically aspie in most ways, but definintely NOT aesexual. I'm horny as a bull, and really enjoy sex. However, There was a time when I realized that although I had much desire, I was inhibited when expressing my feelings sexually. I think I had (well, have, actually) INTIMACY issues, and was being somewhat mechanical and not, well really getting into it in the way that you seem to be desiring. Just realizing where the feeling of inhibition was coming from really helped. Maybe this applies to your aspie guy as well? What if you enhance emotional connection, trust, safety, intimacy, clear ongoing resentments, etc.., without directly addressing sex? Might this end up helping? Forgive me if this is off the mark, just trying to help.

 

[tapian]

Hmm good suggestion. He is very bad at connecting with me emotionally or romantically. For instance almost every time we get close together- for instance our faces get close and I am going for a kiss or something he will use comedy to avert the moment by closing one eye laughing and saying "hey cyclops" as if trying to avoiding an intimate moment. Why is it so hard for aspies to connect? I don't understand why this is such an uncomfortable thing...but as far as the sexual aspect I am about ready to give up hope. I just got back from staying over with him and it was by far one of the most frustrating visits of my life. He rarely informs me that he is horny or hat he is thinking about me in that way and on the rare occasion that he does I am shocked when he finally gets me alone and I always have to initiate. We don't get to be alone often we live an hour apart. For instance we get a hotel room and instead of taking me as soon as we get to the room he acts like he has no desire until later that night when we have had a few drinks. He always asks me why don't we ever have sober sex but what is so frustrating is that he never gets in the mood unless he has had a signifigant amount to drink so I am always suggesting that we drink so I don't end up ripping my hair out later out. And even then sex is less than desirable for me. Yesterday I stayed over at his place and he didn't make any attempt to do anything even after we stopped at a bar went back to his place and drank more. I ended up passing out from exhaustion he let me sleep in the livingroom instead of carrying me to the bed he obviously had no desire to sleep with me. The once I woke up with his cat asleep in my lap which I can't stand...(he has three) and I see the situation and am hurt that he let me sleep there instead of making an attempt to get me into bed with him I get up and go to bed and he follows but even then he made no attempt to do anything just passed out.I started crying and he just goes hey whats wrong can I do anything? Even though by now it should be obvious to him as many times as I have cried about it. So instead of point blank asking him to have sex I get up and say its really hot in here and dress don to my bra and panties and I lie back down. He starts to touch my back and trace my curves sensually and I am like finally....but then shortly after I hear him snoring...he did this multiple times until finally I shoved his hand away. I just wanted to go home at that point. sorry for the detailed paragraph but I am hoping someone can relate and maybe give me some advice. I am extremely driven and I don't think I can go on like this my whole life without hurting him eventually out of sheer frustration.

 

[tapian]

I just don't know what to do I feel guilty because I have only been with two guys intimately in my life and I miss the spark that my other relationship had. I find myself wondering what it would be like with someone else. I am wondering if it is even fair of me to be with him when I am having these thoughts. But I love him too much to leave him over sex drive or poor sexual performance. Seems shallow yet unfair to go on like this at the same time.

 

[nowwhat]

I just don't know what to do I feel guilty because I have only been with two guys intimately in my life and I miss the spark that my other relationship had. I find myself wondering what it would be like with someone else. I am wondering if it is even fair of me to be with him when I am having these thoughts. But I love him too much to leave him over sex drive or poor sexual performance. Seems shallow yet unfair to go on like this at the same time.

Understandable. Let yourself off the hook. You're only human and have done nothing wrong or unusual. Don't do anythign rash, but do you want 5, 10, 30 more years of this? If it doesn't change, and you stay, that's what you'll get, one day at a time. Then you'll have regrets. The sex thing has to be working. And that spark, well, that's the whole point of being with someone. Maybe he will come around. Maybe you can try thinking about it obliquely or creatively. At least different tactics, will be less frustrating than trying the same thing repeatedly. Try different sorts of "dates" together. Change it up. Keep telling him how you feel and maybe you'll get through. Instead of trying to get him to do what you want, tell him openly what you need and how you feel. It's incredible how you need to spell things out to aspie men at times. Seems unromantic to do so, but maybe he just needs more help getting there.

 

[tapian]

well I think you are right about everything you said. curious what you mean about different dates. It is hard to get him to do anything out of the ordinary and no matter how many times I have begged him to come up with something spontaneous for us he never can come up with anything the only thing he has ever done is take me hot air ballooning but I had to suggest it. every weekend its the same thing. go to a movie....play slot machines.....go back to his place for a very unromantic night of mechanical mediocre sex on the rare occasion that it happens. the fact that he cant put to memory all the things I have told him that bother me and try to remember them for more than a week really hurts.

 

[tryingtoregister]

Hey Tapian, if he really is Aspie (sounds like you know he is) you will need to say things point blank. I know it goes against your societal instincts but things will be much better that way. It won't offend him I'm sure of it, if anything he'll probably be relieved. I can tell you in my personal life theres been numerous times where I have no idea someone was trying to come on to me sexually until they basically said something along the lines of "aren't you gonna kiss me?" (or more graphic.. you get my drift). Standing up and taking your clothes off seems like a brutally strong sign, but I'm telling you he probably is not fully picking up on it. My guess would be he sees you upset and is distraught but probably doesn't know what to do to cheer you up, and wouldn't necessarily assume sex is the answer. I know when I'm with people I know I try to remember their cues by picking up on when they happen to actually state their feelings or intentions while doing them, if you reinforce your sexual cues with actually saying what you want he'll put two and two together soon enough (especially when it comes to sex, were men after all lol).

 

[tapian]

tryingtoregister thanks for the feedback it just seems so wrong to have to ask for sex.........as you said you are men shouldn't it come naturally? I mean I am beginning to think he could be in denial of being gay or something I mean not to be conceited but most guys would kill to get me in bed I am always getting hit on and it just adds to the frustration when the guy I am being loyal to is so disinterested. I just don't get it.

 

[tryingtoregister]

Maybe, not like I know him.. my guess is he probably is not hiding being gay probably wouldn't be able to live that kind of lie, most aspies can't bring themselves to lie about much of anything. I wouldn't think of it as asking for sex, just telling him what you want more directly. I mean everything your doing is with the purpose of sending a signal for what you want, just signal it verbally. He's probably not disinterested, just unsure of what you want (I say that because you said he does try to comfort you when your upset so he probably does care). For all you know he might be just as frustrated as you and might not be enjoying it because he doesn't know you are itching to amp up the sex life.

 

[tapian]

Well if he cared he would make more of an attempt. It's not as if I deny him on the rare occasion that he does try. I don't know I have been with him three years it obviously isn't going to change. I used to hold on to the hope that it was due the fact that he used to do drugs and that could have killed his sex drive but after three years of being clean I think it should be out of his system....he took suboxone and Zoloft a year ago but I doubt that would still be affecting him.

 

[Ereth]

I imagine he probably does care, but might be unsure or afraid. Have you considered going to counseling together? Find one who understands Asperger's syndrome and see if he or she can help you.

Has your significant other told you he's just not as interested in physical intimacy? That may be one other possibility.

 

[Sparticus]

Sadly true. But those are men who haven't been taught or don't know how lovely & bonding foreplay can be.

They say that men in general are less interested in foreplay than are women in general.

 

[Maathematics]

I must admit I quite enjoy touching others (when I have to opportunity to do so... I don't like being touched or touching if there is no reason for it). I have always loved foreplay for this reason.

I don't know about others here, but the sex act itself leaves me feeling very cold. It has always felt clinical and pointless to me. I have never gotten enjoyment from that part of sex (I am a male).

 

[Bruce]

I'm not sure how you have managed with people's advice but here is my opinion.
He might be getting stressed about not being able to make the first move and therefore might be feeling less of a man having to respond to your advances.
I know from what you have written that if it wasn't for your actions that intimacy between you both may not exist at all so here is my solution.
Make it a game with him.
Pretend that you are a Mistress or any figure of authority and that he must obey your wishes just this once.....instruct him how to pleasure you and I'm hoping the pressure he may feel will dissappear. ...
Role playing is a great low key option for teaching partners about each other as you are characters and there isn't any strong personal emotion attached to this.
Then of course hr might ask to swap roles or he might have come up with an idea himself.
You never know, it could be the answer you have been looking for.