Finding friends who reciprocate thoughtfulness

[BeachLife]

I'm wondering if anyone has thoughts or tips on this.
When I was younger and masking a lot by using my hyper confident alter ego I had many 'friends' and I diddnt expect much of them emotionally, it just seemed so easy, we phoned each other and then went to whatever event was on. This alter ego was a part of me, and my best friend would usually accept my quirkiness and enjoy the long and very detailed offloading sessions we woulwd have when something was bothering either of us. it wasnt perfect, because i still had to perform and cater to the attention needs of the narcissistic types i was attracting, but often at least the general friendship staples of care, and concern and even thoughtfulness were there. Eg: I had a big thing happen in life , say depression over losing a job, and close friends would call to see how I was doing or bring it up when I saw them. I have always been the type to remember what is going on in my friends lives as deep, empathic verbal and intuitive communication became my special interest in my 20's (funny huh!!) , and this drew people to me because I can genuinely listen and enjoy it.

The problem is that these days as a mature woman (in only some ways lol) I have dropped the act and I might be wrong but it feels like when I dropped the act, I lost the ability to attract friends who care enough to stick around when im down. Now, recently diagnosed I have taken off the mask even more and have been experimenting with not giving much social output and its meaning that people aren't befriending me.

I'm getting a bit sidetracked now, but even rewinding back to say the last 7years of toning down my colourful mask, what I'm finding over and over and over again is that I'm attracting people who take what I give so freely, but then after I wait for the friendship to develop and slowly (and healthily, I think?) Allow my trust in them to build, I find that when I really need a friend and actually communicate that I want their support, they are just no where to be seen. All the support and presence in their life that I gave, goes unreciprocated. Sadly, I know it's something I am doing (or just being!) . Its happened with family too. I dont mean it in a self loathing way, just that quite literally i must be doing something wrong. When I hear people talk about their Mom calling them each day afyer they have been sick to see how they are feeling , or I see in a movie someone who is sad and friends cheering them up, I feel so deeply sad and wish so much that I had people in my life that cared.

I could understand it if I was the type to winge and whine to people for hours, that maybe they would think I was toxic, or if I couldn't reciprocate listening but not the case. New friends come into my life then drop off, the millisecond I need any kind of support. I'm an independent type, so im not needing support very often. Ive heard it said that AS women cone accross as desperate as we are so honest and innocent in some ways. I'm really confused here as my 'worst' feature may be just that I get very intense while talking about problems, in a classic AS way and probably repetitive too, but surely a true friend wouldn't mind.

And there you have it...Ive just realised how long this lol!!!

 

[Pats]

Most people like talking about themselves and are usually attracted to those who they think are impressing. I was married to a narcissist and he would have been very happy for me to spend all my time just sitting and watching him watch tv. They want an audience, not a friend. Once you get off their favorite subject (them) they lose interest.
I was always just the opposite - my oldest sister called me yesterday as she was driving to the beach. I asked "going to the beach?" She had to remind me that this was her fall break and was supposed to be our sister get-together at Hilton Head but I didn't want to join them. Oh, yeah, I remember that. I don't keep track of people. I listen and respond at the time, but I'm not going to remember most things unless I make a special effort and write it down somewhere.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time making true friends. I find that the older you get, true friends become almost impossible to find. People are busy with their own lives and preoccupied with themselves, their children, their partners, etc. Friendships become mostly a matter of convenience.

Some Unhealthy Friend Group Roles | www.succeedsocially.com
Worries Of People Who Have No Friends | www.succeedsocially.com
Patterns That Can Keep People Stuck In Their Loneliness | www.succeedsocially.com

So these are links from a site that I really like. I suggest looking at them, because maybe they can resonate with you?

 

[TempeFan]

Long but familiar story. I never had a family to count on so friends were very important, until American society forcibly retired and incarcerated us in the middle of nowhere. Now we are the crazy cat couple exiled all alone out here in our comfy little paradise.

I was born into the state system for throwaway kids. Everybody who knew my situation figured I was just worthless damaged goods like any of the other millions of abused children who grew up shunned by society, so it took me over half a century to figure out I wasn't just born an unwelcome, unwanted, unloved bastard. I was also born with Asperger's and my unusual brain makes it impossible to function as a typical dishonest unkind irrational illogical human being that behaves in a way that people expect and are willing to accept. I truly thought my being a good person would eventually influence the rest of the world to stop regarding me as just a punching bag, start viewing me as a human being, and for the first time judge me on my own merits. This NEVER happened.

Until my 20s, all I had was school, so I excelled in that all the way through college. At that stage of one's life, people entering and exiting is usual. My besties were the new kids with dysfunctional family challenges. I didn't realize my lack of popularity was due to my lack of deceitfulness and prejudice. I am very honest and observant, which makes others uncomfortable. I learned to keep my mouth shut but that didn't help either. People who were proud of what they did liked me for noticing and people who were ashamed of themselves hated me for being there when they embarrassed themselves. it took decades to finally realize I was constantly being misquoted, misjudged, misinterpreted and maliciously maligned. Not only were those who knew me well enough to be absolutely certain their bad behavior was exactly the opposite of what I deserved, but also complete strangers, who didn't know me at all kept lying to and about me, insisting I had said or done or FELT something I definitely hadn't. My words and deeds were identical to what beloved successful people said and did, the only difference was that others were rewarded and I was punished for doing good. Whenever I was invited into a personal or professional relationship, I always gave the other person exactly what they said they wanted and did exactly what they hired me to do but when it was their turn to deliver their part of the bargain, they reneged claiming it was my fault they decided not to keep their promise. To this day, everyone who has chosen to harm me still refuses to tell me why. I was always used just long enough to get the job done and fix everyone else's problems, then discarded everytime, no reason given. Decades passed with never any explanation for all the betrayals. Every time I did great work, I was punished severely for someone else's careless mistake or deliberate bad actions which had nothing to do with me. I am incapable of figuring out other's intentions, so I am always blind sided. I never know what lie to tell or what mask to wear. Even if I did, it's just not worth it to please selfish mean people.

Before the turn of the century, it used to be possible to find people who were interested in having mutually beneficial relationships, but in this millennium, not so much. Most people are too busy texting and tweeting and facebooking and video gaming, etc. to ever communicate with real live human beings. There are still some social clubs where people get together and sometimes strike up a conversation while engaging in an activity of common interest. We go to the Y every week.

 

[Pats]

Long but familiar story. I never had a family to count on so friends were very important, until American society forcibly retired and incarcerated us in the middle of nowhere. Now we are the crazy cat couple exiled all alone out here in our comfy little paradise.

I was born into the state system for throwaway kids. Everybody who knew my situation figured I was just worthless damaged goods like any of the other millions of abused children who grew up shunned by society, so it took me over half a century to figure out I wasn't just born an unwelcome, unwanted, unloved bastard. I was also born with Asperger's and my unusual brain makes it impossible to function as a typical dishonest unkind irrational illogical human being that behaves in a way that people expect and are willing to accept. I truly thought my being a good person would eventually influence the rest of the world to stop regarding me as just a punching bag, start viewing me as a human being, and for the first time judge me on my own merits. This NEVER happened.

Until my 20s, all I had was school, so I excelled in that all the way through college. At that stage of one's life, people entering and exiting is usual. My besties were the new kids with dysfunctional family challenges. I didn't realize my lack of popularity was due to my lack of deceitfulness and prejudice. I am very honest and observant, which makes others uncomfortable. I learned to keep my mouth shut but that didn't help either. People who were proud of what they did liked me for noticing and people who were ashamed of themselves hated me for being there when they embarrassed themselves. it took decades to finally realize I was constantly being misquoted, misjudged, misinterpreted and maliciously maligned. Not only were those who knew me well enough to be absolutely certain their bad behavior was exactly the opposite of what I deserved, but also complete strangers, who didn't know me at all kept lying to and about me, insisting I had said or done or FELT something I definitely hadn't. My words and deeds were identical to what beloved successful people said and did, the only difference was that others were rewarded and I was punished for doing good. Whenever I was invited into a personal or professional relationship, I always gave the other person exactly what they said they wanted and did exactly what they hired me to do but when it was their turn to deliver their part of the bargain, they reneged claiming it was my fault they decided not to keep their promise. To this day, everyone who has chosen to harm me still refuses to tell me why. I was always used just long enough to get the job done and fix everyone else's problems, then discarded everytime, no reason given. Decades passed with never any explanation for all the betrayals. Every time I did great work, I was punished severely for someone else's careless mistake or deliberate bad actions which had nothing to do with me. I am incapable of figuring out other's intentions, so I am always blind sided. I never know what lie to tell or what mask to wear. Even if I did, it's just not worth it to please selfish mean people.

Before the turn of the century, it used to be possible to find people who were interested in having mutually beneficial relationships, but in this millennium, not so much. Most people are too busy texting and tweeting and facebooking and video gaming, etc. to ever communicate with real live human beings. There are still some social clubs where people get together and sometimes strike up a conversation while engaging in an activity of common interest. We go to the Y every week.

Sounds like you have had it really rough and I'm sorry for everything you have had to go through. Who is the we that was forcibly retired, incarcerated and put in middle of nowhere? What is your situation?

 

[TempeFan]

Who is the we that was forcibly retired, incarcerated and put in middle of nowhere? What is your situation?

Too long and painful a story to post details here. But I think I should ought to clarify that in this case the word incarcerated means "confined" not "in prison." Neither of us have ever committed or even been suspected of committing a crime or doing anything wrong, other than being born with attributes people are prejudice about ie: without social status and a little different in the brain and skin color department. Even though we've never been in jail, our life is like being under house arrest. Once everything we've ever earned, including our money, our mobility, our basic human rights to live and work,etc. have all been stolen, we can't afford to go anywhere. With no family or friends, where can we go that doesn't involve spending $ we don't have or encountering more haters than we have the resources left to deal with?

To nutshell it, my husband and I were victims of malicious wounding by our employer. This is a very common method corporations in America use in order to save having to pay retirement benefits they owe to employees approaching retirement age and to circumvent EEOC laws when illegally terminating employees with medical conditions that don't interfere with job performance or are of the non-prefered race, gender, religion, sexual preference, culture, etc. Executive decisions are made based on management's personal hates, jealousies, fears and whims to permenantly disable workers by deliberately maiming them, then using their employer health plan to block access to medical treatment needed to recover from the injuries. By the time the innocent worker spends their lifesavings proving their innocence in court, it's too late to cure the illness or injury, so win or lose, they still lose everything and are never eligible for employment again. Multiple hate crimes and extreme medical malpractice inflicted on us, left us permanently disabled in a small rural town where there is no public assistance available.

The upside to being stuck against your will in the middle of no where, no longer under the delusion that freedom and opportunities and protections of law exist for those of us who deserve them, is that I no longer have to fight in vain to acheive the impossible dream. I can relax and enjoy what little I have left, which turns out to be everything I ever really wanted, - without being forced to endure every moment in a hostile environment being attacked by haters and their sheeple.

 

[BeachLife]

Your story really does sound challenging to say the least, and I feel for you. Your sharing is timely, as I'm going though some serious issues to do with being targeted as well. That is why I am really wishing I had friends who would check in on me at the moment hence writing this post. You have come to that beautiful and spiritually awakened conclusion that you now have all you need/everything you dreamed of and for that i am so happy to hear. I relate Tempefan, and I also feel grateful for my spiritual strength. I have gratitude too for this forum, and the new friends here who are supporting me so much, I feel finally as though I belong somewhere . It's only my third week, and third post here and I was only diagnosed a couple months ago. Have a beautiful day

 

[BeachLife]

Makes me sad as well. It's happened in my life with family and with some friends. They seem not to give back in a reciprocal way. Were supposed to be their support and help, but when it comes time for needed support in real life for yourself, those individuals seem to not be there.

Have been told by people I know that I'm strong and independent, even tough. That I don't ask for support because I don't need it. That I don't ask really for anything. Which may be true or evident in my character. Or maybe I don't expect much of anything from other people, having had to rely on myself most of my life.

I totally relate! Thanks

 

[BeachLife]

Makes me sad as well. It's happened in my life with family and with some friends. They seem not to give back in a reciprocal way. Were supposed to be their support and help, but when it comes time for needed support in real life for yourself, those individuals seem to not be there.

Have been told by people I know that I'm strong and independent, even tough. That I don't ask for support because I don't need it. That I don't ask really for anything. Which may be true or evident in my character. Or maybe I don't expect much of anything from other people, having had to rely on myself most of my life.

The real 'kick in the teeth' is when I trained myself to actually reach out, even though it's so hard beo g so independent and then get rejected '.
It seems so cruel and for fear of sounding self righteous...the truth is that if a loved one reached out to me I could never ever ignore that.
I am trying to understand why I keep getting rejected. I tried to make friends with 'healthier' people and stopped hanging out with people with addiction issues and narcissists, but amazingky even people who seem so good, just run a mile when it's their turn. This is one of many, many similar examples... there was even a new friend, a woman who *offered* to help me with a situation if I ever needed. She was so sweet, present understanding . Eventually, i needed that help and she not only Diddnt give it, but had avoided me. It outs me in the strange position of choices now! Part of me says ' that is not the type of friend I want, move on' then the part that wants to try to get along with people says 'oh well, she has her reasons, still talk to her'. Hahaha and now I'm having a laugh as this is probably an example of this Black and White thinking we apparently do ;-)

 

[tducey]

For me adulthood is more about acquaintinces than true friends. If you can find a true friend you're very lucky.

 

[SunnyDay16]

The real 'kick in the teeth' is when I trained myself to actually reach out, even though it's so hard beo g so independent and then get rejected '.
It seems so cruel and for fear of sounding self righteous...the truth is that if a loved one reached out to me I could never ever ignore that.
I am trying to understand why I keep getting rejected. I tried to make friends with 'healthier' people and stopped hanging out with people with addiction issues and narcissists, but amazingky even people who seem so good, just run a mile when it's their turn. This is one of many, many similar examples... there was even a new friend, a woman who *offered* to help me with a situation if I ever needed. She was so sweet, present understanding . Eventually, i needed that help and she not only Diddnt give it, but had avoided me. It outs me in the strange position of choices now! Part of me says ' that is not the type of friend I want, move on' then the part that wants to try to get along with people says 'oh well, she has her reasons, still talk to her'. Hahaha and now I'm having a laugh as this is probably an example of this Black and White thinking we apparently do ;-)

I've had to learn the hard way that people usually aren't what they seem. People who seem incredibly nice and caring tend to have self-serving motives. Once you don't give them what they want, they're out of the picture or will backstab you. Of course this isn't always the case and we're all self-serving to an extent, but I tend to be avoidant of people who are overly nice right off the bat because they more often than not are only nice because they're after something. They stop being nice when they don't get what they're seeking.

A good rule to follow is to not put much stock into how people describe themselves, such as "I'm a nice person" or "I'm not fake at all." Actions speak louder than words. If you're really who you describe yourself as, you shouldn't need to keep telling people it. How you treat people and your actions will speak for themselves.

 

[SunnyDay16]

For me adulthood is more about acquaintinces than true friends. If you can find a true friend you're very lucky.

True friends are really rare gems. Of course acquaintances and casual friends can be good to have too, but true friends are something special.

 

[TempeFan]

the truth is that if a loved one reached out to me I could never ever ignore that.
I am trying to understand why I keep getting rejected. I tried to make friends with 'healthier' people and stopped hanging out with people with addiction issues and narcissists, but amazingky even people who seem so good, just run a mile when it's their turn.

Gee girl, you're weird .... like us. Good people are as rare as certain under-researched medical conditions - less than 1 in 100,000. What you have to remember is that when people behave badly, it is not a rejection or reflection of us. It is them showing who they are.

My high school sweetheart was a really nice guy. He had loving parents and a younger brother with special needs that he took very good care of. We were the envy in highschool and college, the couple most likely to succeed. We were very happy together and he even kept all his promises, until he suddenly dumped me and refused to say why. He wasn't dating another woman nor was he gay. It's not that I wasn't the right one for him. He just strung me along for 5 years, then destroyed the great relationship we built. I thought I picked better with the next one, but another 5 years later, same thing. My best friend had introduced me to the son of a happy committed couple who were still on their honeymoon after first meeting the day they were born- literally, they met in the nursery after being born in the same hospital. His brother and sister also had great lives and great families but he turned out to be a real jerk, as two faced as they come. They both wanted somebody just like me but not me because I some how wasn't good enough for them to reciprocate. Turns out neither was good enough for me. Good riddance. I've been happily married to a truly good decent honest man for 18 years and now people hate me for that. Go figure. On this planet there's never a cause effect relationship between what one deserves and what one gets in a relationship.

 

[BeachLife]

Thanks, yes that's all true and good to keep in mind.