BeachLife
40's woman newly diagnosed
I'm wondering if anyone has thoughts or tips on this.
When I was younger and masking a lot by using my hyper confident alter ego I had many 'friends' and I diddnt expect much of them emotionally, it just seemed so easy, we phoned each other and then went to whatever event was on. This alter ego was a part of me, and my best friend would usually accept my quirkiness and enjoy the long and very detailed offloading sessions we woulwd have when something was bothering either of us. it wasnt perfect, because i still had to perform and cater to the attention needs of the narcissistic types i was attracting, but often at least the general friendship staples of care, and concern and even thoughtfulness were there. Eg: I had a big thing happen in life , say depression over losing a job, and close friends would call to see how I was doing or bring it up when I saw them. I have always been the type to remember what is going on in my friends lives as deep, empathic verbal and intuitive communication became my special interest in my 20's (funny huh!!) , and this drew people to me because I can genuinely listen and enjoy it.
The problem is that these days as a mature woman (in only some ways lol) I have dropped the act and I might be wrong but it feels like when I dropped the act, I lost the ability to attract friends who care enough to stick around when im down. Now, recently diagnosed I have taken off the mask even more and have been experimenting with not giving much social output and its meaning that people aren't befriending me.
I'm getting a bit sidetracked now, but even rewinding back to say the last 7years of toning down my colourful mask, what I'm finding over and over and over again is that I'm attracting people who take what I give so freely, but then after I wait for the friendship to develop and slowly (and healthily, I think?) Allow my trust in them to build, I find that when I really need a friend and actually communicate that I want their support, they are just no where to be seen. All the support and presence in their life that I gave, goes unreciprocated. Sadly, I know it's something I am doing (or just being!) . Its happened with family too. I dont mean it in a self loathing way, just that quite literally i must be doing something wrong. When I hear people talk about their Mom calling them each day afyer they have been sick to see how they are feeling , or I see in a movie someone who is sad and friends cheering them up, I feel so deeply sad and wish so much that I had people in my life that cared.
I could understand it if I was the type to winge and whine to people for hours, that maybe they would think I was toxic, or if I couldn't reciprocate listening but not the case. New friends come into my life then drop off, the millisecond I need any kind of support. I'm an independent type, so im not needing support very often. Ive heard it said that AS women cone accross as desperate as we are so honest and innocent in some ways. I'm really confused here as my 'worst' feature may be just that I get very intense while talking about problems, in a classic AS way and probably repetitive too, but surely a true friend wouldn't mind.
And there you have it...Ive just realised how long this lol!!!
When I was younger and masking a lot by using my hyper confident alter ego I had many 'friends' and I diddnt expect much of them emotionally, it just seemed so easy, we phoned each other and then went to whatever event was on. This alter ego was a part of me, and my best friend would usually accept my quirkiness and enjoy the long and very detailed offloading sessions we woulwd have when something was bothering either of us. it wasnt perfect, because i still had to perform and cater to the attention needs of the narcissistic types i was attracting, but often at least the general friendship staples of care, and concern and even thoughtfulness were there. Eg: I had a big thing happen in life , say depression over losing a job, and close friends would call to see how I was doing or bring it up when I saw them. I have always been the type to remember what is going on in my friends lives as deep, empathic verbal and intuitive communication became my special interest in my 20's (funny huh!!) , and this drew people to me because I can genuinely listen and enjoy it.
The problem is that these days as a mature woman (in only some ways lol) I have dropped the act and I might be wrong but it feels like when I dropped the act, I lost the ability to attract friends who care enough to stick around when im down. Now, recently diagnosed I have taken off the mask even more and have been experimenting with not giving much social output and its meaning that people aren't befriending me.
I'm getting a bit sidetracked now, but even rewinding back to say the last 7years of toning down my colourful mask, what I'm finding over and over and over again is that I'm attracting people who take what I give so freely, but then after I wait for the friendship to develop and slowly (and healthily, I think?) Allow my trust in them to build, I find that when I really need a friend and actually communicate that I want their support, they are just no where to be seen. All the support and presence in their life that I gave, goes unreciprocated. Sadly, I know it's something I am doing (or just being!) . Its happened with family too. I dont mean it in a self loathing way, just that quite literally i must be doing something wrong. When I hear people talk about their Mom calling them each day afyer they have been sick to see how they are feeling , or I see in a movie someone who is sad and friends cheering them up, I feel so deeply sad and wish so much that I had people in my life that cared.
I could understand it if I was the type to winge and whine to people for hours, that maybe they would think I was toxic, or if I couldn't reciprocate listening but not the case. New friends come into my life then drop off, the millisecond I need any kind of support. I'm an independent type, so im not needing support very often. Ive heard it said that AS women cone accross as desperate as we are so honest and innocent in some ways. I'm really confused here as my 'worst' feature may be just that I get very intense while talking about problems, in a classic AS way and probably repetitive too, but surely a true friend wouldn't mind.
And there you have it...Ive just realised how long this lol!!!