Feeling like harming myself.

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Metalhead, Be like this little guy.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yeah, my chronic insomnia is no joking matter. I kept on telling my now ex-boss what was going on and that I was making doctor appointments the earliest I could get in. Last month, I got the flu and the bookkeeper at the office demanded I stayed home, this morning my ex-boss decided to use that against me and claim I was playing hookey on her.

I just want a good night’s sleep and that is really too much for me to ask for these days.

Have you tried melatonin?

 

[Metalhead]

My boss contacted my mother, I just had an argument with my mother who kept on insisting this was the best boss I ever had and no other boss would put up with me as much as my now ex-boss did. And that I should be grateful to her instead of angry at her, and that she would never say what she actually said to me and that I am delusional.

I am now going to move across the country and sever ties.

 

[Luca]

My boss contacted my mother, I just had an argument with my mother who kept on insisting this was the best boss I ever had and no other boss would put up with me as much as my now ex-boss did. And that I should be grateful to her instead of angry at her, and that she would never say what she actually said to me and that I am delusional.

I am now going to move across the country and sever ties.

Severing ties is probably a good idea.
I hope you can find somewhere better to live where you can start fresh.

I live across the country from you. If you’re ever in town, I would be happy to get a root beer and some tacos and see a (relatively tame) horror movie with you.

Family can be really horrible, but sometimes friends really come through when you need them.

 

[Metalhead]

All of my friends are telling me I am doing the right thing now. All of my family is telling me I am delusional and insane and the way I feel should not be taken seriously. I have a couple of roommate situations I can move into tomorrow if I needed to.

 

[Metalhead]

I am now pretty much convinced that the way I was pumping myself full of caffeine every work shift just to be alert enough to do my job here has only made my chronic insomnia a billion tines worse.

Yes, I had one good night of sleep a couple of nights ago. One good night of sleep in three months is not sustainable, neither is the caffeine pills for breakfast.

 

[Misery]

DO NOT, Sir, whatever you do, DO NOT train your replacement.
This is the kind of revenge I go read Reddit for.

Yeah, I'll agree with this.

I mean not because of the revenge aspect (well, okay, partly because of that) but also, really @Metalhead that boss of yours has already gotten too much from you that she doesnt deserve.

Let her deal with the results of her own bad behavior and actions. While you start the process of recovery and moving on to better pastures.

 

[Metalhead]

So I found out my ex boss is dying of cancer and she is afraid that if she stops working she will die faster. I have some empathy for her over that, even when I know everybody else in the office is convinced she is insane for remaining a perpetual workhorse when anybody who looks at her can tell she is not well at all. The chemotherapy is not a bluff on her part. She is a true workaholic.

That is the only reason why I am willing to train my replacement. She literally is losing her mind, and I know the rest of the office has my back despite what she tells me.

 

[Misery]

So I found out my ex boss is dying of cancer and she is afraid that if she stops working she will die faster. I have some empathy for her over that, even when I know everybody else in the office is convinced she is insane for remaining a perpetual workhorse when anybody who looks at her can tell she is not well at all. The chemotherapy is not a bluff on her part. She is a true workaholic.

That is the only reason why I am willing to train my replacement. She literally is losing her mind, and I know the rest of the office has my back despite what she tells me.

Ahh, okay, that makes a bit more sense then.

 

[Metalhead]

I would do almost anything for a good night’s sleep right now.

 

[Kayla55]

For future ref#
I commuted on train at one stage, I would have games on my phone, or wear earplugs, listen to music. I'd also go earlier before it got busy.
I'd get office with admin lady who opened up and could get a really decent cup of coffee...I also drink too much coffee as it calms me down, nervous represent, if I don't get coffee..I'm finished!!
Then I could spend time checking my mail, take extra time to compose my writing!! Our boss kept weekly timesheet...this I hated as clock hours on each project and would keep telling us an entry level may not be a Dagwood but is still a burger. I published so many times without feeling my project was ready cause of it, people told my boss they liked my work as this first time I wasn't under project manager. But boss was driven by bottom line. If she's finished Kimo then it makes sense, she forgets she couldn't work. Some people are just mad.

 

[Metalhead]

Oh great, my mother just told me that she believed the chronic insomnia was all in my head and that I was choosing to keep it going on. I snapped at her when she told me that and I gave her the reaction she wanted from me. Now she is playing the high and mighty "I know he is delusional right now which is why I am still by his side currently, but he is hurting me" card that she always plays whenever I call her out on her lies. This is far beyond toxic. This is outright abusive behavior on her part. The lies. The gaslighting. The nonstop stream from her mouth telling me that I should never trust my own memories because of my autism diagnosis. Her insistence that I embellish my past with details to make it sound "worse than it actually was" and her insistence that I lived a sheltered and safe childhood. Her insistence that I never told her I was being abused by other family members. Her insistence that I never told her I was being bullied at school. Her insistence that I never told her I needed medical attention after my nervous breakdown two decades ago. She wants to drive me to another nervous breakdown, apparently. This is how she gets her kicks. And everybody else in the family seriously believes she is my number one advocate because I really am that cognitively impaired. No, I do not suffer from cognitive or intellectual disabilities, but according to my family, those false disabilities make up my entire being.

I am going to go for an extended period of no contact with anybody in my family starting immediately.

 

[Kayla55]

I never placed too many hopes on my father returning and my happy ending, I suppose I didn't want too much disappointment. But I'm left feeling that I'm doomed for the rest of my life, now I worry more about my son growing up and being viewed in scoieties eyes as 'dysfunctional'
Is this where the story ends?

 

[Kayla55]

I tell myself we were the rat generation, the testing grounds for autism puzzle!! The nozzle looks down at your family but we have it now 3rd generation is my son, and it turns life upside down.
When we arrived at my friend's farm, my son put on his best show (age3) to greet everyone with a brave face, shortly he was hiding in the room and being anti social....it was journey to get him out the house and none of the other parents went through half uphill I did. Other mom's arrive in fashion cars and have lives while I try to keep up with English language. Sux

 

[Metalhead]

Well, I had a calm and collected talk with my ex boss today. I explained to her calmly the extent of my sleep problems and how I had to pump myself full of caffeine every morning to reach quotas. She told me she was having problems with another employee who was faking being sick and perhaps it was unfair for her to project that upon me. I still am going to look for a different job, but I will train my replacement and she will accommodate my sleep problems for now.

 

[1ForAll]

And my mother and my AA sponsor are telling me over and over again what a great boss I have right now and how I should appreciate all she is doing to help me out right now.

Forget AA, I am leaving that program as of right this second.

And we all know my mother is a narcissist who likes my boss because she talks to my boss to keep tabs on me and how I am doing at my job.

A move to Michigan to rent a room for $500 a month just might be in my near future. I will keep my friend's house spotless and find a remote job to make some extra cash while living off SSDI primarily.

If you ever visit or live in Michigan I would be glad to meet you to do cool things. You sound like the only sane, nice, wise and deserving one of your family that I hope gets much peace and happiness soon.

It seems like those bullies and unstable others get their comfort from lies, the drama they create and from control and keeping persons down. I hope you can start a new life and break free from those toxic persons and never look back.

That is what we did at least with most of our family. It was the best decisions we ever made.

 

[Kayla55]

Are you sure it was your Mom?
Sorry I was just saying my life falling apart too, my dad. Hope I didn't confuse you with my issues.

 

[MildredHubble]

This is so unfair! I really do think it's the best thing that you go no contact with these people. I never want to encourage people to react to a bad situation by taking a leap into uncharted territory but in a lot of ways this reminds me of my own situation many years ago.

Things were uncertain for a while but eventually, after I had cut all ties with toxic people, my true self could start to emerge and that lead to other positive things.

It was like all the messed up things I'd been bullied into believing about myself were slowly but surely washed away. It was like I had been going round with mud in my hair and I had finally washed it away. That's the best metaphor I can think of I guess.

I really hope this is the start of better days for you, there may be challenges ahead but I'm sure you have everything you need in your heart and mind and you can allow yourself to trust yourself and your perceptions and perspectives.

Don't give up on taking control of what is rightfully yours!

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Dude, freaking love you man. What a poop storm. Like a poop and broken glass tornado. Ok heres a couple things. First things first

proud of you on the career path choice. Doesnt sound like a good fit. If you are describing what i think you are, then your skills are in high demand.

Proud of you for treating the poop scoop with dignity and professionalism. She is obviously a liar and a manipulative narcissist. Which you think is normal from years of conditioning. Abuse is not normal. The chemo is likely a lie as well. Do not trust her, do not be alone with her, record every call, start taking notes,(look up memoranda)

Caffeine and sugar are the cause of the insomnia. Plain and simple. Sugar is a drug dude. It really is, ask around. On diet issues shoot for about 2 litres of water a day. Alot of people have ideas about diet. Some is nonsense and some makes sense. I make it easy. Lots of sandwiches generally. This is not a great choice. I dont care. I can do it. I also like breakfast cereal, its not a great choice but i dont care. Bread has sugar in it. My go to menu is army porridge and boiled meat and rice. Always buy apples, its a rule. Salads are yummy. Get a blender for rich people morning smoothies. Super yum

Yea the family scene you have sounds pretty yucky. Your mom calls your boss? Small town? Anyways...dont take the call. I know its hard to do. When your mom calls dont answer it. Send a text back that says you cant talk, ask her to email you.

See most of your conditioning is auditory conversation. She uses her voice. In print it wont work!
If she starts text bombing you, block her number, wait a few hours, text her back and say that you had to work. Dont take the call.

If you do talk to her set limits. Time and topics too.
So get a kitchen timer. Set the timer for 10 minutes. If you feel you have to talk to her, then set limits. It does work.

Sounds like a rough scene. One more bit. Back off from the ideas about whether or not mom is a creepy bleep. You cannot ever tell if its malice or pathology. Its part of codependency.

I wish i could do more for you, i can be available for support. Know that you have real value. Your worth is not someone elses choice, its on you. Its not about comparison. Be careful

Big moves are kinda tricky. Needs a bit of planning. Not at all normal for your mom to talk to your boss.


Hang in there. People care about you. You are pretty awesome selfeducated computer programmer IT super hero. You built a cloud system? Maybe misery could explain how much talent that takes. I can send email with pictures and order stuff online.

 

[Metalhead]

Visions of bourbon are floating through my brain.

Visions of going back to my past self-destructive ways are entering my head, perhaps as a way to get out of my current job, perhaps because I am tired of more of the same every week, every month, every year.

The solution to all of this is provide a healthier different alternative to myself. To spend some money going out on evenings and weekends. To be the healthier person that I truly want to be. To look for a job more suited to my skill set than my current one, because I hate making cold calls.

I need some escape for the time being.