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Feeling like harming myself.

I took one dose of my new prescription now. Hopefully it will knock me out for a while.

I need some sleep before I make any solid decisions. My boss is insane, but I am not exactly in a right frame of mind myself.
 
And the new prescription is doing nothing for my insomnia, as proven just now.

All hope is lost.
 
Metalhead said:
Yeah, I will take my new prescription this evening, and I will look at more local job listings tomorrow. I do not need the two hours plus commute both ways for these four hour shifts five days a week. I do not need a suicidal boss who demands I be suicidal alongside her. I certainly will not speak any more of this to my family. And I am also done with 12-stepping.
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Something I told one of my friends recently who's struggling with his sobriety: You can quit the program if you can quit your addiction. Twelve-step programs are really just a way to drag out the one and only step you need - Quitting. If you can find any other way to get better, do that. Don't worry about programs once they've stopped serving you or even made the problems worse. I've been sober for a while now and AA never helped. If anything, seeing how miserable people in AA are made me more committed to my sobriety lol Don't give up on yourself!
 
Metalhead said:
And the new prescription is doing nothing for my insomnia, as proven just now.

All hope is lost.
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You can find a way. About a year ago I was having horrible insomnia. I slept about 4 hours a night for over a month, at the worst of it. I thought I had two seizures from the stress and went to the ER. They found nothing, so I walked home angry. A three-hour walk in February.

It took time, but I made some changes and sleep so much better now. For me, it was mostly managing sensory input (especially at work). Maybe that will help you. Finding some distance between invalidating people will also help. They just make us angry and keep us stuck. Who can sleep with that in their life?

Whatever you need, you can do it. You're an awesome guy with a lot of passion and a lot to say. Don't waste that.
 
Think you must be a magnet for this type of narcissistic woman. She sounds like your mom's evil cousin.
 
I can't say much that hasn't been said already but I will say that your boss and the people around you offline sound horrible. The way they talk to you, the way they threaten you is sickening. I hope you're able to keep away from them as much as possible and I hope you can find a new better job with a nicer boss.

As someone who takes a med to put her to sleep, 15 minutes is nothing. I've been taking mine for about 6 years now and sometimes it still takes me 30 minutes to an hour to finally sleep. Granted my medication is most likely different than yours but that's just an example of why you shouldn't give up after 15 minutes. Try to do something you can fall asleep to if you can and are awake still.

And remember that even if the people offline are horrible to you, you have real friends and support here. This replies to this thread are poof of that. Hang in there, please.

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Aspychata said:
Think you must be a magnet for this type of narcissistic woman. She sounds like your mom's evil cousin.
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It's not unusual for people to fall victim to narcissistic behaviour again and again from personal experience and from what I've read.

They poke at your boundaries to see how far they can push things. If you don't respond in a way that puts them off they will continue to map out your vulnerabilities. If you do respond appropriately then they adopt the "butter wouldn't melt" righteous indignation to further gaslight you.

It takes a while and a lot of practice to undo the internalised nonsense they pollute your mind and thought processes with.

The best way to prevent it is to distance or cut off contact with such people until you can get a handle on it and learn how to defend against it.
 
Like that reply @Gerald Wilgus



We are here for you, the forum cheerleaders, just pointing out how far YOU have come. But nobody said your life would be great after the big reveal, you still are tweaking and reshaping yourself and relationships including bosses, etc. You are definitely more stable, you may slip up, but seriously WHO doesn't slip up. Let us know how you are doing.
 
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I recommend you not to lose your job even if you think it’s too much now… later you will not remember how you felt today but you will not have such a problem like not having a job at all… anyway why do you think you can not have another job? I’m also tired of living but… I wish you will figure this out… even if you will destroy anything you have it’s alright… sometimes we just need some rest, sometimes we just acting like we’re crazy…
 
Sedatives and booze do sound like a painless way to go. Imagine my boss evaluating her priorities when she finds out. Imagine my mother making a massive show out of “if only she realized I was really this unhappy!” This thought is heavy on my mind right now.
 
Metalhead said:
Sedatives and booze do sound like a painless way to go. Imagine my boss evaluating her priorities when she finds out. Imagine my mother making a massive show out of “if only she realized I was really this unhappy!” This thought is heavy on my mind right now.
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I really hope those thoughts will pass quickly. I've looked into the very same abyss more than a few times. But things can and do get better I promise! And we are all here to talk and hopefully help. Try instead to imagine the future where you've come through all of this and you are riding high, you can reach it, I'm very sure of that :)
 
Metalhead said:
Sedatives and booze do sound like a painless way to go. Imagine my boss evaluating her priorities when she finds out. Imagine my mother making a massive show out of “if only she realized I was really this unhappy!” This thought is heavy on my mind right now.
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I understand how it hurst just to be. It is much sadder to be unwanted. Sometimes I have the strength to really get angry, but more often I don't. Every time if I act the way I want to (it feels like a movie) I just create problems for myself. Sometimes I think that if people see how much I am hurting, they will understand something about me (no). It annoys me so much that I don't have any personality. I just want to ruin everything, but otherwise I can't survive. It drives me crazy… anyway I hate feeling scared and useless… ‘I don’t want you to give up just because I know it sucks. But If you will decide to make it, it’s alright.
 
I am aware that if I called a hotline and ended up in a hospital, I would never hear the end of it from my family. They would tell me I ran away from being an adult and threw tons of money away on a vacation at the taxpayer’s dime. They told me that when I was involuntarily committed for suicidal ideation in the past.
 
Metalhead said:
I am aware that if I called a hotline and ended up in a hospital, I would never hear the end of it from my family. They would tell me I ran away from being an adult and threw tons of money away on a vacation at the taxpayer’s dime. They told me that when I was involuntarily committed for suicidal ideation in the past.
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Why do you need your family? Isn't it a relief to get rid of them? Someone who never understood you...
 
Metalhead said:
I am aware that if I called a hotline and ended up in a hospital, I would never hear the end of it from my family. They would tell me I ran away from being an adult and threw tons of money away on a vacation at the taxpayer’s dime. They told me that when I was involuntarily committed for suicidal ideation in the past.
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Is there no way at all to get away from them? Like just, cut them out, stop interacting with them entirely? For good?

Based on what you've said it seems like absolutely every interaction is just them spraying toxic fumes out of their mouths. Honestly I dont know how you get through any of those interactions without punching someone.

Right now, dont worry about what those dolts think. Their nonsense aint worth the braincells it takes to ponder whatever they spit out. It's beneath you.

So focus on you instead, and take whatever steps are necessary to get past this.
 
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