Feeling disconnected when hanging out with people

[Annaa]

I don't know what it is but I feel like there is something holding me back from actual enjoying myself when I hang out with people, it feels like I’m always forcing a laugh. i know that this is quiet common but I just feel completely out of place all the time, i5 feels like I have to be extra careful not to say or do something wrong or weird, as soon as I start being myself people assume I’m annoyed or tired it really gets on my nerves but I’m also so scared of people thinking I’m boring.

Sometimes I wonder why people even hang out with me it’s kind of hard to believe that there is something likeable about me sometimes.

I have to admit that I really like myself, don’t get me wrong I’m not like depressed or anything but I still can’t believe that people can like me and I honestly don’t know why.

I don’t remember when the last time was I had a genuine conversation with someone. I feel like I can only talk to my teachers but whenever I talk to my peers I feel like I have to pretend to like stuff I dont care about and honestly I just feel extremely awkward and in the end I find myself shutting up and not talking. What I'm saying is very chaotic I know and I’m sorry, but I’m just trying to get everything out.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I relate to that a lot. I've often felt that I don't know why people like me, even though I never thought I was undeserving of friendship. I believe this comes from people interpreting me in ways I don't necessarily relate to. They're sort of seeing someone who isn't there, so sometimes I'm not quite sure who they're liking. Or perhaps they like this small part of me, but don't realize that it's only a small part. They don't actually know me.

Though it may not be easy, you will probably benefit immensely from seeking more authentic connections. If you can't be yourself with people, they're not really your friends, even if you're getting along. Hopefully you can find people here and in real life to relate to. We all need that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I call it my "observing alien" persona. You're there, with people, but not really part of the conversation. You're out on the periphery, visible, but not really a part of the group. There's a disconnect. You don't know how and when to jump in and out of the conversation. What you want to bring up and comment on has already been discussed and the conversation has moved on to another topic, and you're left there hanging. The conversation is about people and you like to discuss things and ideas. Nobody seems remotely interested in your interests, and vice versa.

Yeah, we can do this all day. I can totally relate.

 

[Swansong]

You're probably engaging in something called "masking" when engaging with your peers.

Masking (personality) - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Ultimately you have to ask yourself, is it really worth to socialize with these particular people when doing so is inherently a chore at best?

 

[Outdated]

It gets better as you get older. Then you are more likely to be involved with people that have the same interests as you rather than just the kids you go to school with.

 

[Rodafina]

What I'm saying is very chaotic I know and I’m sorry, but I’m just trying to get everything out.

You sound fine, and there are no need for apologies here. We all work together to try to understand each other, I think. What you wrote actually makes a lot of sense.

I would say, hang in there and find the few relationships that feel good to you… Even if it is here, talking to us. Building confidence at this point in your life is important and indulging in any interests you have can help you become a more confident and happy person.

Outdated is right and as you get older, you will meet different types of people and even if most of us here don’t click with many, often we can at least find a few where there is no need to put on a mask and the interactions feel very authentic and even pretty good sometimes.

 

[PastelPetals]

It's the mask! The bane of my existence both a blessing and a curse. The mask helps you pass in the world it keeps you safe. People won't bully you or take advantage of you and you may be able to talk to others and seem "normal" but you are also not able to be the truest you there could be (at least the truest you open to the public we all have even more true private selves).

You feel apart because you are apart in some ways. Social anxiety is often not just a comorbidity for us autistics but a survival tool to protect both our physical and mental safety. The issue is when we are safe or when we have built things like friendships peeling off the mask can be hard or even ruin what we have worked so hard to build!

Realistically you will need the mask from time to time. If I am ordering as a restaurant or running errands or (when I can muster it) talking to allistics (NT's not autistic etc) the mask goes on. It's not a perfect mask and it's not always consistent but it keeps me safe and I am grateful for that.

I also understand that in order to break through the feelings of isolation I need to build relationships with no mask. That is a lifelong hard to do process when the whole world acts like you are in the wrong for just simply existing but if you can find autistic peers or mentors I promise it helps. There are social groups offline that you can find and hopefully you can find your people.

Autism is a spectrum and not every person on it is gonna fit but when you meet somebody with a brain like yours communication flows. It's speaking your native language for the first time. It is freeing and uplifting. Don't feel discouraged if you don't click with every autistic person (the autism only island would never work we all know this) and same if the mask does not come off easily. It's a process. Take care of yourself.

 

[Progster]

I call it my "observing alien" persona. You're there, with people, but not really part of the conversation. You're out on the periphery, visible, but not really a part of the group. There's a disconnect. You don't know how and when to jump in and out of the conversation. What you want to bring up and comment on has already been discussed and the conversation has moved on to another topic, and you're left there hanging. The conversation is about people and you like to discuss things and ideas. Nobody seems remotely interested in your interests, and vice versa.

Yeah, we can do this all day. I can totally relate.

This post captures perfectly what I experience when in a social group. It's like there's an invisible screen between me and the group and I'm watching the interaction on TV. I think that, in my case at least, there are two things going on:

In any social group, there's a lot of extra emotional information being exchanged apart from the actual words, non-verbal communication. The others are getting this, I'm not.

Processing delay - it takes me longer to process information and I often can't process it in real time, where other people are able to process in an instant. So I'm not getting all the information, not able to respond in real time, it's just a blank. That's why I get the TV effect.

There's not a lot I can do - I tend to avoid socialising in groups because it just doesn't work for me. I stick to one person at a time, as where it's one person, they will wait for me to think and respond. A group won't.

 

[SusanLR]

@Neonatal RRT Your post puts how I feel into words perfectly.
I need not try to improve on it.

It truly is a feeling of being there and not being there at the same time.
I avoid socializing in groups, and if I have to, the mask goes on, but I never feel truly comfortable.

 

[AprilR]

I am the same with everyone. The people i have not Masked with probably amount to 3 or something.

 

[paloftoon]

If you can, it's easier to go to networking type events with a good friend.
Also, if you can talk with people 1-1, it might be able to create context where you can build more personal communication based on an interest or situation where it's appropriate to do so.


A friend was playing devil's advocate with me the other day about me going to attend a non-professional networking event soon. He said that I need to be much more casual and not think of everything like a business transaction. I told him that I don't like things that are too casual. They are boring and tend to be insincere. Not that I don't do them, but I don't do them forever if it's not for work and if I'm not building up any quality friendships and not enjoying that activity that much. Sometimes, I might enjoy an activity but get tired of it.


It's okay to mask like this and I'm sure NTs are doing this too. Any event of this nature, try to take it as an opportunity to see if there are people you might be able to build deeper connections with.
If people aren't letting you in as you try to inch your way into vulnerability territory, that might be your cue to take a break or leave or go to another person/set of people.

Don't jump into deeper or more vulnerable territory unless context dictates toward it, but these are things that we can try our best to think about. I just recently learned about this type of thought.

So, maybe it will help me appreciate other events more and how I can navigate and respect my own personal social boundaries without being overly off-putting and trying to let things have more of a chance if I can without it being too much for me.

 

[Uppity Creek]

I was thinking just recently, maybe even today, about my best friend from school and why it was he befriended me. In many ways I thought we were a strange pair, me being a bookish, clumsy, awkward kid with pimples and bad hair...he was on the football team, among the more popular kids in the class, knew how to dress and comb his hair (ha!) I couldn't figure it out, and wondered if it was pity, or his good upraising (great parents, who both meant a lot to me.) Out of the blue he called me tonight and we chatted for about an hour. The truth is, I have to admit: I do actually have something to offer to the friendship. For me, it's a unique sense of humor, probably a good dose of patience and loyalty. Why say all that? I don't think it was any benefit to me to worry about why we were friends. It was just good enough that we were.

The disconnect in small groups is very real for me. I've been forced into it at dinner parties, fundraisers, church. 3 or 4 people, standing there talking, sometimes on a subject that really interests me, and nothing I can do seems to gain me full membership to their elite group. I was recently given something to try: ask the group for advice on solving a problem. If you don't have a problem, post a question even if you already know the answer. So, I guess, if they were standing around talking about baking a cake, you could ask them how best to get it out of the pan. I haven't given that a try yet.

 

[paloftoon]

I was thinking just recently, maybe even today, about my best friend from school and why it was he befriended me. In many ways I thought we were a strange pair, me being a bookish, clumsy, awkward kid with pimples and bad hair...he was on the football team, among the more popular kids in the class, knew how to dress and comb his hair (ha!) I couldn't figure it out, and wondered if it was pity, or his good upraising (great parents, who both meant a lot to me.) Out of the blue he called me tonight and we chatted for about an hour. The truth is, I have to admit: I do actually have something to offer to the friendship. For me, it's a unique sense of humor, probably a good dose of patience and loyalty. Why say all that? I don't think it was any benefit to me to worry about why we were friends. It was just good enough that we were.

The disconnect in small groups is very real for me. I've been forced into it at dinner parties, fundraisers, church. 3 or 4 people, standing there talking, sometimes on a subject that really interests me, and nothing I can do seems to gain me full membership to their elite group. I was recently given something to try: ask the group for advice on solving a problem. If you don't have a problem, post a question even if you already know the answer. So, I guess, if they were standing around talking about baking a cake, you could ask them how best to get it out of the pan. I haven't given that a try yet.

I would tweak this slightly and make yourself sound smarter is the only thing.
Instead of "how you would get it out of the pan", you want to express "how you would get it out of the pan without leaving any cake stuck to the pan"? Discuss pros and cons. Maybe a con is that if you're using a non-stick pan, there's chemicals that go onto the cake and maybe it's actually worth it healthwise to deal with the hassle.
Or instead of that, maybe you could ask "how do you make a vegan or non-dairy cake" and (still make it taste good and (preferably reasonably healthy too ) ) ?

 

[Aspychata]

I think l am immediately judging their motivation for why l am here. When this lady asked for help getting in her house, no problem. You are asking me for help, I have had a little contact with you. I can do this. She busted out her screen, l climbed in thru her window this week and said hello to Murphy, her cute but very suspicious little dog and unlocked her door.

But in a group of people, l am masking. I don't know you, l don't like groups of people after living in Florida, and seeing cliques of people work together for not necessarily good reasons.

I will mask at least until l feel comfortable. And l only hang out with two male friends, and family. It's a very limited circle.