Feeling Childish: I get jealous easily + still not understand social standing

[Autistamatic]

There isn't much for me to do here.

You have a safe, comfortable home, a car, a computer and a source of income.
Your possibilities for things to do are infinite. A computer of any type* offers the opportunity to create, to express yourself, to help others and distribute it to the wider world. In doing so you can gain the respect and recognition you crave.

You have a reliable mode of transport which will take you places you can physically help others. You can volunteer at countless charities, you could drive people to & from hospital appointments, work at a food bank, get involved in politics or social movements. You say you feel strongly about fairness - why not put some effort into joining the fight for fairness? Make a contribution to improving the world for yourself and others.

Respect is not given, it is earned. You don't get it just by turning up and expecting it. People like others who make them feel good or who exhibit characteristics they admire. If you lack the skills to be charming you can gain the same benefits through kindness, generosity of spirit, wisdom or simply creating beautiful things. Talent isn't just inherent - it's also learned. It takes will and patience, but it's all there for the taking if you just put the effort in. Pick something, work hard at it then reap the rewards when you get to a level that enriches other people's lives.

You cannot take from life what you are not willing to put in. If you want happiness, you have to make other people happy first. It's not often that you find a community such as this which gives so much in the way of tolerance, encouragement and understanding without getting anything back.

* Smartphones & tablets are still computers. There is software that allows one to be creative on all these platforms. much of it free or low cost, so anyone can get started. On PC one can go a very long way with free & open-source software such as Libre Office, Shotcut, Gimp & Inkscape, to name but a few.

 

[Autistamatic]

Just thought I'd add to this with something relevant to the title - the "not understand social standing" bit.

It's not well documented in academic or medical terms, but a different relationship with hierarchy is fast becoming recognised as a key trait of autism, especially within the autistic communities which now flourish online. I'm in the editing stages of a video about bullying of autistic people, and hierarchy comes into it significantly. Bullying is a tool to raise one's position in a hierarchy and our lack of comprehension and/or collusion in social ladders contributes to our victimisation.

As a rule autistic people have difficulty with hierarchies that are based on unwritten or social rules. We don't have a similar problem with hierarchies built on tangible achievements and rules though.

For example - we can easily respect a leader who is honest, clearly capable and amongst the best in their field. It makes logical sense and we're generally happy for them to be in charge.
If a leader is a proven liar, constantly makes mistakes and has never achieved much it's much harder, maybe even impossible for us to respect their leadership.
The things that gained them their position and keep them in post don't work so well, if at all, on most of us so we don't give them the respect they expect (or demand). We're immune to their "charisma", we judge by their performance, not their boasting, their "charm" is lost on us and their lies don't wash. Even their intimidation often goes over our heads for a long time.

The same applies to social groups such as the one mentioned in the OP. This guy "3" clearly has qualities which @Frostee doesn't recognise and can't emulate. Since these qualities have such a strong influence in this group it's likely one where @Frostee doesn't stand a chance of thriving, so why bother. Be a spectator or leave the group for another with a less popularity driven dynamic. To do otherwise would be "flogging a dead horse" as the saying goes.

 

[onlything]

Your jealousy may come from very low self-esteem. If you subconsciously consider yourself 'worse' or them 'having been placed in better position' (be it due to charming personality or being handsome etc.) while noting that the world should be 'fair', then I can easily see how you could become frustrated, angry - and jealous. And yes, you may be a bit immature at times but maturity will come in time with experiences.

I see two things you should work on first:

1. Accepting yourself, your shortcomings and your feelings.
A good tool for that, I found, is mindfulness meditation where you observe your thoughts and feelings without judging them. You acknowledge the thought and gently let it go. 5 minuter per day can do the trick. There are many guided meditations online too.

2. Working on a skill you can get good enough to be proud of yourself.
Choose one thing, be it sports, drawing, music, woodcrafting etc. Then work on it a bit every day. With time, you will get more confident with how much you improve.

 

[Aspychata]

Reading, writing, biking, hiking, learn to draw, learn to paint, volunteer, cooking, yoga, candle making, study a particular subject in depth, puzzles, start a blog, bird watching, learn a new language, learn to play an instrument, genealogy, dance, swimming, meditation, study history...

Or endlessly post why? why why? Wait, where is the popcorn? Misery? Gadabout?
Time for a new round, hit the bell, GO.

Good point: onlything! Once you accept yourself, warts and all, then the real healing and growth begins and then maturity.

Autistamatic: Great point, fairness is expected, unfairness is untolerated by the spectrum group. l dealt with this for quite awhile.

Just had to explain to co-worker, your supervisor doesn't have to be fair to you, period.

 

[Frostee]

Just thought I'd add to this with something relevant to the title - the "not understand social standing" bit.

It's not well documented in academic or medical terms, but a different relationship with hierarchy is fast becoming recognised as a key trait of autism, especially within the autistic communities which now flourish online. I'm in the editing stages of a video about bullying of autistic people, and hierarchy comes into it significantly. Bullying is a tool to raise one's position in a hierarchy and our lack of comprehension and/or collusion in social ladders contributes to our victimisation.

As a rule autistic people have difficulty with hierarchies that are based on unwritten or social rules. We don't have a similar problem with hierarchies built on tangible achievements and rules though.

For example - we can easily respect a leader who is honest, clearly capable and amongst the best in their field. It makes logical sense and we're generally happy for them to be in charge.
If a leader is a proven liar, constantly makes mistakes and has never achieved much it's much harder, maybe even impossible for us to respect their leadership.
The things that gained them their position and keep them in post don't work so well, if at all, on most of us so we don't give them the respect they expect (or demand). We're immune to their "charisma", we judge by their performance, not their boasting, their "charm" is lost on us and their lies don't wash. Even their intimidation often goes over our heads for a long time.

The same applies to social groups such as the one mentioned in the OP. This guy "3" clearly has qualities which @Frostee doesn't recognise and can't emulate. Since these qualities have such a strong influence in this group it's likely one where @Frostee doesn't stand a chance of thriving, so why bother. Be a spectator or leave the group for another with a less popularity driven dynamic. To do otherwise would be "flogging a dead horse" as the saying goes.

I'm confused? Are you saying that I have no positive attributes or no life achievements? I guess this is just an excuse to rant at me.

 

[onlything]

I'm confused? Are you saying that I have no positive attributes or no life achievements? I guess this is just an excuse to rant at me.

I think you're getting too defensive towards new information. Instead of taking feedback as an attack, try to open your mind a little and think on it not as a criticism of you as a person but as a potential lesson to be learnt to get better in social situations.

 

[Autistamatic]

I'm confused? Are you saying that I have no positive attributes or no life achievements? I guess this is just an excuse to rant at me.

How on Earth could you possibly infer that from the positive and constructive observations I have made about your situation?
There's not even any mention of "positive attributes or... life achievements" in that post.
Your comment might be taken as insulting by someone less accommodating than myself. I have no desire to "rant" at you, only to make you aware of options you have to improve the life you seem so disappointed by.

 

[Frostee]

You said that the YouTube group would not acknowledge me because I don’t have any great life achievements?

 

[Autistamatic]

You said that the YouTube group would not acknowledge me because I don’t have any great life achievements?

Nowhere was that said. Not even close. Please don't make false accusations.

 

[GadAbout]

^ I have seen this dynamic in another Asperger's forum. A kindly and well-intended post is taken the wrong way by an OP, who makes entirely fabricated and unjust accusations about the malice of the commenter.

It's a special kind of thought disorder, I think. To see ill will where none exists will keep a person permanently estranged and unsuccessful. It's not exactly paranoia; it's more like imagining a "tone" in an otherwise neutral context.

 

[Aspychata]

It kinda of goes back to that we, to some extent on the spectrum, can't see outside of ourself no matter how good intentioned the help is. It's like he only can see through his spectrum sunglasses, they filter his thought process and l really don't know if his perception of reality is different because of family dynamics and what he is enmeshed in emotionally with his family. And possibly how they treat him, he may have nothing else to compare to because he is with them all the time. So we are trying to say things but he has no basis to confirm or deny what we say. Does anybody else get this? So if he is in a abusive situation (we don't live with him so we truly don't know what he feels or how he perceives what he goes through) then after some time of this, you do perceive people as disliking you or are abusive. In females, it's called Battered Woman's Syndrome. He may even feel persecuted because that is what he faces daily due to his father but like l said we don't have all of the story, and we don't know where you Frostee stand in all of this.

Fostee- I am not attacking you, l am not putting you down. Thanks.

 

[Aspychata]

Frostee Quick question for you! Can you be kind enough to explain in your own words why you think this forum of people on the spectrum are attacking you? Are you under stress or duress? Do you feel your family listens at all to you? Does your dad scare you and you wish to leave sometimes? Thanks for trying to answer these questions.

 

[Frostee]

Nowhere was that said. Not even close. Please don't make false accusations.

Don't chastise me.

 

[Frostee]

It kinda of goes back to that we, to some extent on the spectrum, can't see outside of ourself no matter how good intentioned the help is. It's like he only can see through his spectrum sunglasses, they filter his thought process and l really don't know if his perception of reality is different because of family dynamics and what he is enmeshed in emotionally with his family. And possibly how they treat him, he may have nothing else to compare to because he is with them all the time. So we are trying to say things but he has no basis to confirm or deny what we say. Does anybody else get this? So if he is in a abusive situation (we don't live with him so we truly don't know what he feels or how he perceives what he goes through) then after some time of this, you do perceive people as disliking you or are abusive. In females, it's called Battered Woman's Syndrome. He may even feel persecuted because that is what he faces daily due to his father but like l said we don't have all of the story, and we don't know where you Frostee stand in all of this.

Fostee- I am not attacking you, l am not putting you down. Thanks.

Maybe because there isn't a CLEAR explanation that one can understand.

 

[onlything]

You're asking for advice and yet are unwilling to consider it. What are you looking for then?

 

[GadAbout]

Don't chastise me.

Autistamatic wasn't chastising you. He was sticking up for himself - against your unjustified accusations.

I'm reporting this thread and asking for it to be closed.

 

[tree]

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[Trophonius]

Respect is not given, it is earned. You don't get it just by turning up and expecting it. People like others who make them feel good or who exhibit characteristics they admire. If you lack the skills to be charming you can gain the same benefits through kindness, generosity of spirit, wisdom or simply creating beautiful things. Talent isn't just inherent - it's also learned. It takes will and patience, but it's all there for the taking if you just put the effort in. Pick something, work hard at it then reap the rewards when you get to a level that enriches other people's lives.

I don't think I fully understand what you, or possibly OP, understand by "respect" — mind you I payed no attention to the videos OP posted.

However, I disagree with this fragment of your comment. Respect, while it can be lost due to extraordinary behaviors, is something that should be given to everyone — I don't need to wait for a person to impress me with kindness, generosity of spirit or wisdom to show respect, nor I think anyone should.

I believe we reach a troubling and disturbing moment when respect and kindness becomes a commodity that other people must buy from us.

 

[Autistamatic]

Respect, while it can be lost due to extraordinary behaviors, is something that should be given to everyone

I wholeheartedly agree with you - it SHOULD.
The problem lies within the huge gulf between "should" and "does". One should be neutral when meeting someone new, with a basic level of respect offered to everyone which would increase or decrease dependent upon one's deportment. Sadly that's rarely the case, and in some environments it can be extremely harsh. In such circumstances one is at a distinct disadvantage from the get go unless something "worthy" of the group's respect is brought to the table.
In the workplace, for instance, or academia, I should expect to receive the same respect as anyone else, but if I want to be promoted or well liked I must earn respect above and beyond that neutral status. It would be naive of me to expect people to want to be around me or follow me if I hadn't demonstrated something that distinguished me. The OP wants to be liked by a group that is not receptive to him on a neutral level so he must earn his place or move to pastures new. He is envious of the stature of another so must match or exceed whatever it is they offer to the group if he wishes to succeed.
It is uniform across all cultures that one can earn a level of respect which rises above that one might expect as an unknown quantity, through one's words and actions.
All should be treated with kindness by default, hence why so many of us have attempted to assist the OP to overcome their unhappiness and continued to do so despite rejection of our efforts.