Family Problems

[joe2006]

I thought I would share with you some problems that I have been having with family members. My biological father died of a heart attack just a week before my sixth birthday and I did not see anyone of that side of the family for many years. We met another man who married my mom and adopted me. He and my mom raised me. Then almost 20 years later, a lot of my cousins and other relatives from my first dad’s side of the family found me on Facebook and began following me there. This more than double my friends list and inspired me to start socializing more. Things did not go as well as I would have liked. One of my cousins sent me an email telling me who she was and that she was interested in learning more about me. I have not seen her in years so I told her a little about myself and about some of the things that had happened in my life since I last saw her. When my cousin replied to my email the trouble began. She began acting rude and unfriendly. One day she sent me and email asking me what I had been doing that day. I told her I spent most of the day playing video games and then she asked what I had been playing. I told her I had been playing some video games and described to her what the games were all about. Then she began acting replying rudely and acting as if she did not care about what I said. This happened with several other conversations, as well. I stopped replying to her emails since she was being so rude. Usually when people ask me questions like that, they try to relate to what I am saying or talk about something similar to what I said. That was not the case with my cousin. I wonder why she said she was so fascinated about learning about her family but when I tried to tell her about myself, she reacted so hostile to me.

A few months later, I got another message from her and she told me that she had not heard anything from me in a while and that she was getting married. She told me she really wanted me and my mom to come to the wedding. At the time, my day had developed Parkinson’s disease and it was at such an advanced stage that he was really having a hard time getting around. Somebody always had to be in the house in case he needed help so I knew we both would not be able to come. My mom was going to stay home and help him while I go to the wedding by myself. I told my cousin I would go and asked her when and where the wedding was and she told me. So I began packing my things and getting ready for the wedding. A few days before I left, I got an email from my aunt telling me that I was uninvited to the wedding. She told me things would be crazy at the wedding and she was too busy to have me there. I showed the letter to my dad and he advised me not to go. He said that I was unwelcome at the wedding and that if I went, the family members on that side of the family would hold this against me for the rest of my life. I decided not to go after that. I have not had much to do with my cousin since they pulled that little stunt.

Several years went by without any more family problems. I even took a road trip and visited the aunt that uninvited me to the wedding. It turns out she is not as bad as I thought. In fact, she and her husband seemed very nice. I enjoyed the few days we spent together. I still do not trust her daughter.

At the end of last September, my dad died of Parkinson’s in a veteran’s home and I told everyone on Facebook about it. All the relatives and friends left some nice comments as they helped me say goodbye. Even my rude cousin said something nice about him. I was actually surprised. That was the first time she said anything to me since the wedding.

Then a few months ago my uncle on my first dad’s side of the family died and a different cousin wrote me a message and told me about it on Facebook. I wrote back and asked her how he died and she sent what seemed like an automated massage telling me that he had a heart attack about a year ago and this had weakened him so much that he eventually just passed away. I wrote her back and said that I was sorry that he died and he would be missed. A few days later she sent me another message telling me that they were not going to have a funeral because of this new virus and they were going to have him cremated instead. She said they were going to have some kind of memorial service for him in a year. I did not know what to say about this and could not come up with a proper response to the message. I guess she was offended that I did not respond and unfriended me before I had a chance to come up with anything. What was so strange about this was that this was the nicest cousin on that part of the family. She even came by the house on her way to my other cousin’s wedding. Every time I posted something on Facebook she would like the post and sometimes leave a kind comment. Now I wonder just what kind a friend she really was.

 

[Aspychata]

Family is always a big mine explosion. You never know that until you step on it and you blow off a finger or toe. You never know what sets off family until it blew up.

 

[Major Tom]

Sometimes you just need to let go, especially with family and say:

 

[menander]

People are all over the place in their own minds. The mean cousin may have wanted your interaction to be like a movie or something. No one knows what's in the mind of someone else. I'm an Aspie. People are confusing!

I have as little to do with them as I can, save a precious few. Trying to figure out the reasons why people do things exhausted a great portion of my mind and life. Literally YEARS.

It's a horrible feeling. Some day when you find yourself thinking, thinking, thinking, of why why why did they do that or this and it's been HOURS-----just ask yourself where your thoughts would be if they had been able to extrapolate into something good. The exponential quality of thoughts is terrifying because the time wasted on those thoughts has sent you off into an different trajectory. Sometimes you never get back to where you could have been.

Go back the the very seed where your thoughts began to change as a result of that one person. Was it a hope? A pleasant feeling? And when did it change to confusion, to hours wasted, to needing to post for answers........

That microsecond of turning sometime never reverses. Ask any trauma survivor. But it does not have to be trauma. It can be one person sliding their finger down your back with a wink in their eye and THERE it starts. WTFREAK? Was that real? Are they being friendly? Mocking me? Playing with me? Like me?

People are dangerous if you value your thoughts and are an Aspie.

 

[SDRSpark]

Sounds like this part of your "family" is a part that you're better off without, sadly.

The uninviting you to the wedding because they're "too busy" to have you there just reeks of thinking that you're not an adult capable of caring for yourself. They likely thought "we don't want the special needs cousin there because we won't be able to look after him" and counted on your mother coming to act as the babysitter that they assumed you needed. Generally wedding guests aren't seen as requiring so much effort that you would uninvite one on account of being "too busy". Unless that was just an excuse (and a poor one at that.)

I'd carry on and forget them. After all they didn't care to keep in touch all these years, so why now?

 

[Tom]

Family interaction can be something like TV soap operas. I avoid that/those whom I sense are bad actors in their own plays (as menander I think alluded to 'in their own minds'). If people are nice or at least straight forward I can usually manage.

 

[Statest16]

Family can be hard to read,hard to gage.It's often hard to know for sure what your family's intentions are.My sister says she doesn't talk to me but she thinks of me and cares for me,but it leads me to then believe I'm not a high priority then to her.I wish I had better advice but this stuff is hard to understand sometimes,maybe give yourself more time to figure it out.

 

[menander]

Family can be hard to read,hard to gage.It's often hard to know for sure what your family's intentions are.My sister says she doesn't talk to me but she thinks of me and cares for me,but it leads me to then believe I'm not a high priority then to her.I wish I had better advice but this stuff is hard to understand sometimes,maybe give yourself more time to figure it out.

That happens SO often to me, too. Someone pretends to care and then their actions speak otherwise, but they are not really philosophers and don't possess a great deal of introspection, but it's so obvious. If you say you care and then do things to prove otherwise, what does "care" mean to you, then?

Now if they treat everyone the same, they have issues, to be sure. But when you are singled out, well......duh.

 

[paloftoon]

I think maybe this cousin of yours was frustrated that she felt like she didn't level with you. Video games are pretty harmless. But the fact that she got married, she might've been in a different stage in her life. She might've been working or raising kids, and maybe it annoyed her that she was kind of related to someone who didn't seem to be ready to be in the same space that she is in.

People do this by human nature, but most cant' even be honest with you about it. I hope this helps. Look for friends who will accept you as who you are, but always try to work on yourself too so that you can be your own independent person regardless of what your cousin is doing.

 

[joe2006]

After observing these family members I have noticed that they do not talk to me very often. It seems about once every few years one or two members say something but it usually is in the form of an email or post. I am trying to do what I can to avoid these people and anyone else who is like them as well. I think they are too normal for an Aspie to get along with. It is a shame it has come to this. I thought family was supposed to look out for each other. Now I just have to figure out a way to put them out of my mind and focus on other things.