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eye contact?

Eye contact does not bother me, I just do not make eye contact very often. Over the years I have found that a lot people think that you are not listening to them if you do not make eye contact. Consequently, when I am having a important conversation, I make sure that I make eye contact.
 
I have an easier time making eye contact with strangers because it feels like such a personal thing to me and I usually have a lot of my armour down when I'm just around family whereas when I'm around strangers I have all my defences up and the eye contact is just a part of how I pretend to fit in, I don't really focus on their eyes, or connected in the way I feel with people that I'm closer to.
 
Kalinychta said:
“better at it” meaning that you can maintain it and still listen and speak without too much difficulty
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How difficult is "too much difficulty"? Because I have gotten better at that and make sure to do it as often as possible, but it's uncomfortable and half my brain is thinking about it the whole time. I think that's as good as it's gonna get for me.
 
I never thought about if it's easier with family members or not. Perhaps it is.
I am not entirely sure though if I need to make such an effort because it feels so unnatural. During short exchanges I am able to look people in the eye for 2-3 seconds but it's an effort. Feels like some damaging invisible substance is flowing into my unprotected eyes.
During long and complex discussions I process info a lot better not looking at a person. I never thought it really bothered people that much and I usually communicate well otherwise.

I suppose it can be detrimental in certain circumstances like during a job interview where people may have trust issues. Might have cost me a job here and there actually.
Next time I have to interview (hopefully never) I would be inclined to just disclose my condition in some form (perhaps vaguely) to get that out of the way.
I suspect eye contact issues may have to do with sensory overload, so there's only so much pretending one can do here. People close to you probably don't mind much.
 
Yes, I definitely find it easier with people I know and feel more at ease with, and hard with strangers.
 
I can maintain it intermittently when I believe it's needed irrespective of who the eyes belong to.

My default setting is not to.
 
It has always been so difficult and still be able to take in what they are saying that it is just a habit
with me not to look in their eyes.
Only occasionally with those I am around a lot.
I've found if I try to force it I end up staring. Then I force myself to look away as I don't know what
NTs think of someone staring, but, it probably isn't comfortable.
At my age I don't think much about it. I just do as I always have.
Don't have many close contacts anyway and strangers it doesn't matter to me now if I don't look
in their eyes.
 
I don't have too much problem with eye contact, but I do find myself wondering "how much is too much" and feeling like I'm staring like a creeper, or if people notice I'm looking away. Like, it doesn't hurt to look in peoples' eyes, I just don't know when and how much I'm supposed to.

I do find it easier with people I know well though. Or people I trust is probably a better way to phrase it. If I'm comfortably looking in someone's eyes, they've gained my trust.
 
I can remember when I was little, my parents always telling me to look at them. I have photos that I was told to look at them, so I'm facing them but my eyes looking to the side. lol When I was in second grade, I was in speech because I wasn't talking yet, and one of the things my therapist did was made a game and would have me have staring contests with my siblings and I got really good at it. I think since that was how I was taught to look at people's eyes, I tend to stare into the eyes. The reason I think that is that so often the other person looks away quickly like they've lost a staring contest. Weird thing is, though, I could not tell you what color their eyes are or anything about their eyes, and definitely not the facial features. I could spend an hour talking to someone and if someone asked me if they has a beard I would not be able to answer.
 
Shenandoah said:
I never thought about if it's easier with family members or not. Perhaps it is.
I am not entirely sure though if I need to make such an effort because it feels so unnatural. During short exchanges I am able to look people in the eye for 2-3 seconds but it's an effort. Feels like some damaging invisible substance is flowing into my unprotected eyes.
During long and complex discussions I process info a lot better not looking at a person. I never thought it really bothered people that much and I usually communicate well otherwise.

I suppose it can be detrimental in certain circumstances like during a job interview where people may have trust issues. Might have cost me a job here and there actually.
Next time I have to interview (hopefully never) I would be inclined to just disclose my condition in some form (perhaps vaguely) to get that out of the way.
I suspect eye contact issues may have to do with sensory overload, so there's only so much pretending one can do here. People close to you probably don't mind much.
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yeah...the thing about job interviews.

Since I started Cosplay and Cosplay photoshoots, I have taught myself how to look attentive and confident. This means I can purposely vary the degree of intensity in the ways I look at people. In family pictures I am now the one who looks the most alive and happy.

I use the same technique for job interviews. Crank the look-intensity up as high as it goes (which might actually be too high) and tell the interviewer why you want the job. It's worked well for getting the job, not so much for getting the right position to suit my skills. The last time they wanted to put me into a position with a lot of customer contact and marketing. I suppose that's what they thought I would be good at, based on the interview.

The technique is a work in progress...
 
I've found it easier to only maintain eye contact with my mother, of course there are still times where I break away and look elsewhere, but I think it's easier because it has to do with a trust thing more than anything else.

I think eye contact though will always be a nerve-racking thing for me, no matter who I am conversing with.

I mean, if someone is talking about something important, I try to look at them more but if I truly want to absorb what the person is talking about, most of the time it's better if I don't always look.

I can't tell you how many people have thought that me not looking them in the eye 100% of the time was to them a sign of disrespect, regardless of my autism.
 
Nihilus said:
I can't tell you how many people have thought that me not looking them in the eye 100% of the time was to them a sign of disrespect, regardless of my autism.
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On the other hand, some people (arrogant people, for the most part, not everyday people) think "lesser" people shouldn't be "allowed" to look them in the eye.

People are weird. :eek:

I grew up being told that if I'm not looking at someone's eyes when I'm speaking it's proof that I'm definitely lying. I know that's a load of crap but I am still anxious about being perceived as untruthful in certain situations.
 
SDRSpark said:
On the other hand, some people (arrogant people, for the most part, not everyday people) think "lesser" people shouldn't be "allowed" to look them in the eye.

People are weird. :eek:

I grew up being told that if I'm not looking at someone's eyes when I'm speaking it's proof that I'm definitely lying. I know that's a load of crap but I am still anxious about being perceived as untruthful in certain situations.
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It's weird though. I was told the same thing. For me it was true, most of the time. I don't remember the game, but you have to put down a card and say what card it is. Can be anything though. If the others catch you lying, cou loose. I could never do it. They would always catch me. Now I use that to my advantage. I will almost stare people in the eye when I want them to believe what I'm saying.

Other question: Do you find looking other Aspies in the eye less intense? I do. It gets weird when neither of you knows when to look away though. Aspie staring contest!!!
 
AHClemist said:
It's weird though. I was told the same thing. For me it was true, most of the time. I don't remember the game, but you have to put down a card and say what card it is. Can be anything though. If the others catch you lying, cou loose. I could never do it. They would always catch me. Now I use that to my advantage. I will almost stare people in the eye when I want them to believe what I'm saying.

Other question: Do you find looking other Aspies in the eye less intense? I do. It gets weird when neither of you knows when to look away though. Aspie staring contest!!!
Click to expand...

I actually don't know many other Aspies (that I'm aware of) in person...so I have no idea.
 
It makes sense, now that I think about it, that eye contact would be easier with people we trust and know well. Looking into someone's eyes feels extremely intimate, so it's logical that it would be easier to do/maintain with people we actually are more intimate with e.g. friends, family, lovers, etc. It's relative to how well we know the person.

I was just thinking, men who don't make "enough" eye contact are probably often perceived as submissive. Women, too, which is one of the reasons we're less likely to be diagnosed with autism; it's okay for females to be thought of as shy/submissive but not males. So, arguably, poor eye contact is more socially detrimental for men than for women, which must make the whole thing even more stressful for them.
 
Kalinychta said:
ISo, arguably, poor eye contact is more socially detrimental for men than for women, which must make the whole thing even more stressful for them.
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I think there's something to that. I know that some people perceive me snobby and aloof and it cannot be further from the truth.
 
It is a bit easier to make something resembling "proper" eye contact with people I know, whereas with strangers all I can manage is an occasional glance when I can tell I won't meet their eyes. Haven't really noticed a difference as to whether the person is on the autism spectrum or not, I have equal trouble or ease with people in my social skills group for people on the spectrum based on how well I know them as I do for NTs in the same "know" or "don't know" category.
 
I think it was a bit easier with people I know and my eye contact is better with my husband than anyone else,but I have always had problems with keeping eye contact and had people in the past either tell me to look them in the eye while they are talking to having a counsellor say that people will think I am rude and even imitated me to show me how I appear to others.
 
I have always found eye contact difficult. I have learnt do it for a few seconds then look around like I'm pondering what they have said. I also tend to look at mouth instead.

How do others here feel when they try to make eye contact? For me it feels improper, inappropriate, ott in intensity.

I also wonder do others around keep consistent eye contact...let's say 5 seconds or longer? I've not really watched others for this but will try to observe it.
 
Eye contact is one of the first things many of us construct strategies for and yours is quite typical. Looking around as if in thought, being distracted by a sound, suddenly noticing a hang nail or an itch you need to attend to are all variants on the same theme.
Looking at people's noses, allowing our eyes to unfocus, or my personal favourite, taking my specs off so I can't see them properly are also quite commonplace.
Whilst difficulty with eye contact isn't universal in autistic people (no trait is) , it's extremely common.
I can maintain eye contact for protracted periods sometimes, but only with people I can totally trust, and then only if I know it will have significant meaning for them. It doesn't happen often ;)
 
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