Charlotte Antell-Collins
Active Member
ImAnAspie I feel the same way
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Eye contact
- Thread starter Ylva
- Start date
Tyler Ford
Well-Known Member
Oh well, for me, it's either I make too little eye contact or too much eye contact. Either way, I think it's weird, lol, but for me, it can be uncomfortable looking someone in the eyes.
JesusOfSuburbia
Member
I just look at the nose or mouth, usually mouth.
Anon88
GamerDork
I have always had trouble making eye contact with others. With the exception of the ppl I'm extremely comfortable with like my mom and a few really close friends I just can't look anyone in the eyes. Its weird because I don't have the same problem with strangers. Like if it has to do with something at work or like a job interview or something it doesn't bother me because I'm too focused of the importance of the situation I guess. But with ppl who know me personally, eye contact makes me anxious. Not a good feeling at all. I become warm, then sweaty and then a little short of breath. I've had instances where ppl thought I was a little weird or rude because I couldnt look at them for more than a few seconds at a time but whatever. Life goes on.
Cali Cat
Femme Ferale
In conversation, I usually don't realize I'm not making eye contact at first, but then I become aware that I'm looking at the person's mouth moving instead. I try to make eye contact at that point, but then I lose tract of what they're talking about because I'm focused on looking at their eyes. Then I feel I'm making too much eye contact and go back to looking at their mouth so I can understand what they're saying. I used to think maybe I had trouble hearing and was reading their lips. Now, I know it's just awkward for me to look someone in the eye, which causes me stress makes me forget to listen to them. Similarly, I tend to look off into space when I'm doing the talking, much like you would when talking to a therapist or someone like that. I can only imagine that might make the listener uncomfortable, but once again, I lose track of what I'm saying if I have to look someone in the eye while I'm talking.
I look in people's direction when they are talking to me but not necessarily in their eyes. I glance at people and often catch their eye, but then look away again because I don't find it comfortable, it's almost a physical sensation. If I'm talking or listening intensely I tend to turn off my vision and not process any visual information so I'm just staring into space. Anyway, if you look people in the eye, how do you know which one to look at, the left or the right eye?
ImAnAspie
Well-Known Member
It's not like that. It's not a calculated thing. It's just something you do that you shift your gaze when it gets uncomfortable. You can listen better when you're not worrying about the eye contact. Don't worry so much about it... and if anyone dared mention that I don't make eye contact, I tell them I have Asperger's. Then, they either understand or I don't care enough about them to worry.
For me, I couldn't (note: couldn't) because I would find myself staring and then their heads got bigger and bigger and I had to look away, otherwise, I felt I was going to faint from sheer fright! That was one reason and the other reason, because looking in someone's eyes, meant they were looking at me and that made me feel horribly uncomfortable.
When I discovered the reason ie being aspie, I trained myself because I reasoned that it was in my mind, their heads were blowing up lol certainly not a reality and second, I have always felt uncomfortable looking away and realised it was probably not very nice for them; gave the impression of not being interested (well, not an impression, because to be blunt, I find most small chat to be boring). I also go on this: how do I want people to be with me and actually, because I am too good at reading emotions, I hate it when I see their eyes wonder and so, I should not do it!
The trouble is that now I can look and their heads do not seem to grow (lol), I feel that I can see into their very being and notice very little detail, which is also rather uncomfortable!
When I discovered the reason ie being aspie, I trained myself because I reasoned that it was in my mind, their heads were blowing up lol certainly not a reality and second, I have always felt uncomfortable looking away and realised it was probably not very nice for them; gave the impression of not being interested (well, not an impression, because to be blunt, I find most small chat to be boring). I also go on this: how do I want people to be with me and actually, because I am too good at reading emotions, I hate it when I see their eyes wonder and so, I should not do it!
The trouble is that now I can look and their heads do not seem to grow (lol), I feel that I can see into their very being and notice very little detail, which is also rather uncomfortable!
I can listen better to what a person is saying if I'm not looking at their eyes
I can't see whats in my own head If I'm looking at someones eyes, in fact I can't see my own thouhgts when I'm looking at the face of a person.
I usually look at peoples mouths as I can connect and process what is being said better if I can experience the words as they are formed with the mouth.
If I look at peoples eyes it's asthough I can feel what they are feeling throughout my whole person, it's really intense and overwhelming. If they are experiencing any sort of negative emotion, even if it is not directed at me, It's excruitiating. I can't 'read' what their emotion is or put it into words, it's just and experience.
There are times when people know what I am thinking without me saying, (which totally freaks me out by the way!) and I'm told I'm a loud thinker, so I don't like looking people straight in the eyes cuz there are alot of thoughts that pass through my mind that I wouldn't want anyone to know.
I can't see whats in my own head If I'm looking at someones eyes, in fact I can't see my own thouhgts when I'm looking at the face of a person.
I usually look at peoples mouths as I can connect and process what is being said better if I can experience the words as they are formed with the mouth.
If I look at peoples eyes it's asthough I can feel what they are feeling throughout my whole person, it's really intense and overwhelming. If they are experiencing any sort of negative emotion, even if it is not directed at me, It's excruitiating. I can't 'read' what their emotion is or put it into words, it's just and experience.
There are times when people know what I am thinking without me saying, (which totally freaks me out by the way!) and I'm told I'm a loud thinker, so I don't like looking people straight in the eyes cuz there are alot of thoughts that pass through my mind that I wouldn't want anyone to know.
On the Inside
Well-Known Member
All the same for me. Eye contact is hard, even with people I know well. The only time I'm more comfortable with it is during light hearted banter. Then it seems ok to make eye contact, then look away, look at the floor, then back to the eyes.
There is someone in my life who gets really upset at me about my lack of eye contact, makes me want to look away even more. Someone earlier said (Skyler?) something about feeling "less than" the person you are talking to having a bearing on ability to make eye contact, relating it to working with animals. There is definitely a power angle to it, and I think it is more important to people who are prone to intimidate or manipulate. They see weakness in someone who looks elsewhere. Maybe that is why we're told at a young age to look people in the eye, it's not only a "sign of respect" but a defense against being mistreated.
There is someone in my life who gets really upset at me about my lack of eye contact, makes me want to look away even more. Someone earlier said (Skyler?) something about feeling "less than" the person you are talking to having a bearing on ability to make eye contact, relating it to working with animals. There is definitely a power angle to it, and I think it is more important to people who are prone to intimidate or manipulate. They see weakness in someone who looks elsewhere. Maybe that is why we're told at a young age to look people in the eye, it's not only a "sign of respect" but a defense against being mistreated.
I'm not good with eye contact, but I learned to fake it because I was drilled to from a young age onwards. I'm not sure that's unilaterally a good thing. (The method certainly wasn't.)
Eye contact was excruciatingly difficult and unnerving for me as a child. But because I had to do it, I learned to look for a moment, mentally record the sound that someone was making while I was looking at them, and then look away and 'review' the sound, making sense of it as language, as I looked away. That's how I still cope today. Because, I can either look at you or talk to you.
It goes unnoticed in ordinary conversation, but when I'm having to take in more information, such as in professional one-on-one talks, I'm always afraid it becomes more obvious. The amount of data I have to process in the same amount of time increases, and I can't 'record' and 'review' sound bites as leisurely (relatively speaking) as I otherwise can. So I look away more, including when I'm formulating questions or explaining something, and any eye contact that does happen is briefer.
I was thinking about this very topic today. I had a longer talk with my boss this morning and was so happy to work in a tolerant environment because, elsewhere, this same - quite pleasant - conversation quite likely would have got me blacklisted for being weird. To be fair, though, I knew I would get some leeway, so I wasn't straining for pretend-normalcy at all costs. I was thinking a lot and barely making eye contact. No blacklist here, though, just praise for asking exactly the relevant questions.
When I absolutely must fake it in high-pressure situations, such as during the discussion part after talks or in meetings, where there's no script and I'm answering a particular person, I cope by looking off to the side, just past them (past their eyes) and then looking back at their eyes briefly as much as I can manage while keeping my thought process on track. It works when I have a pretty good sense of what I'm talking about, or if I there's a script - not necessarily word for word, but a line of argument or somesuch that I'm very familiar with.
But when I really have to mull something over for a bit, I absolutely cannot handle eye contact. I usually announce that I have to think about it for a moment, look away and, if at all possible, someone else takes over. That way, people can sometimes even get the idea that I'm taking them extremely seriously, which they obviously like, and it can inadvertently work in one's favour.
On balance, I cope okay, but I get annoyed that I have to put in so much work, and that that work goes completely unnoticed when I'm especially good at it. And I sometimes think how much more eloquent I could sometimes be if I didn't have to bother with the 'noise' at the same time, in situations in which strictly only content should matter.
Eye contact was excruciatingly difficult and unnerving for me as a child. But because I had to do it, I learned to look for a moment, mentally record the sound that someone was making while I was looking at them, and then look away and 'review' the sound, making sense of it as language, as I looked away. That's how I still cope today. Because, I can either look at you or talk to you.
It goes unnoticed in ordinary conversation, but when I'm having to take in more information, such as in professional one-on-one talks, I'm always afraid it becomes more obvious. The amount of data I have to process in the same amount of time increases, and I can't 'record' and 'review' sound bites as leisurely (relatively speaking) as I otherwise can. So I look away more, including when I'm formulating questions or explaining something, and any eye contact that does happen is briefer.
I was thinking about this very topic today. I had a longer talk with my boss this morning and was so happy to work in a tolerant environment because, elsewhere, this same - quite pleasant - conversation quite likely would have got me blacklisted for being weird. To be fair, though, I knew I would get some leeway, so I wasn't straining for pretend-normalcy at all costs. I was thinking a lot and barely making eye contact. No blacklist here, though, just praise for asking exactly the relevant questions.
When I absolutely must fake it in high-pressure situations, such as during the discussion part after talks or in meetings, where there's no script and I'm answering a particular person, I cope by looking off to the side, just past them (past their eyes) and then looking back at their eyes briefly as much as I can manage while keeping my thought process on track. It works when I have a pretty good sense of what I'm talking about, or if I there's a script - not necessarily word for word, but a line of argument or somesuch that I'm very familiar with.
But when I really have to mull something over for a bit, I absolutely cannot handle eye contact. I usually announce that I have to think about it for a moment, look away and, if at all possible, someone else takes over. That way, people can sometimes even get the idea that I'm taking them extremely seriously, which they obviously like, and it can inadvertently work in one's favour.
On balance, I cope okay, but I get annoyed that I have to put in so much work, and that that work goes completely unnoticed when I'm especially good at it. And I sometimes think how much more eloquent I could sometimes be if I didn't have to bother with the 'noise' at the same time, in situations in which strictly only content should matter.
pushpin
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I'll look into someone's eyes periodically as they are talking to me to show that I am listening because people tend to think that you are ignoring them if you don't look them in the eyes.
But, I can't really listen unless I look away from them. I also can't really think unless I look away. And when I talk, I usually see what I'm talking about, so it feels natural for me to look away and look at my mind's images as I speak, especially if it's something that I need to describe.
But, I can't really listen unless I look away from them. I also can't really think unless I look away. And when I talk, I usually see what I'm talking about, so it feels natural for me to look away and look at my mind's images as I speak, especially if it's something that I need to describe.
