Ex with Autism Broke up with me

[Confusedandhurt]

Hi,

Sorry in advance if this isn’t the correct place to post or if I write anything that comes across wrong I’m still processing and confused.

Long story short, my now ex of 2.5 years broke up with me and has Autism. I’m not sure where he is on the spectrum it’s not something I ever really asked I just knew he was and how he acted/what he needed in terms of space etc. We met on a dating site 2.5 years ago and have been dating ever since, recently I felt he had been more withdrawn but he said everything was fine. He then rang me to say he wanted to meet and that he loved me, we met up and he basically said he couldn’t do things anymore, he was too stressed being in a relationship, he’d had meltdowns recently but not told anyone and he just wanted to be on his own. Of course I was devastated and asked if this was something we could work through but that was a no go. I then came to find out he was back on the dating site we met on, I of course confronted him and he said he was just on there for a laugh, one thing I’ve always known about him is he can’t lie to save his life. He’s told me that throughout our relationship he did love me and did care how he’s made me feel but it all just seems like something he is saying to essentially make me feel better. I told him if he ever wants to talk to me he knows where I am but as of yet there’s been no contact (2 weeks).

I suppose I just want to know, is this a common thing with people on the spectrum to suddenly want to end things after a long time together, is it normal for him to jump right back onto a dating site and will he ever contact me or am I just clutching at straws? Any other comments or advice are welcome

Thanks for reading.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m sorry to hear that. The ending of a relationship, especially unexpected, is hard. That being said, you’re gonna get a lot of varying answers here. While people on the autism spectrum all share the diagnosis, it doesn’t come with a cookie cutter set of personality traits and behaviors. We come in all colors of the rainbow, so to speak.

For me personally: when I was less mature, I have ended relationships seemingly out of the blue for my partners.

While they were caught completely off guard, I had been emotionally preparing myself and sort of processing the breakup before it even happened. Usually there was a longer period of unease, unhappiness or frustration which I was unable to communicate or completely pinpoint. But I did come to the conclusion that breaking up would make me feel better, so I did. And because I had already been preparing for and processing the breakup in my head, I was almost over it before it happened. And so I happily jumped back into single life while my ex was still wondering what happened.

I have to say that was in the past though, when I had a lot of emotional maturing to do. These days I’m better at understanding my feelings, analyzing the cause and dealing with them (yay, therapy!) and vocalizing needs, wants and doubts towards my partner. But it’s always a work in progress.

I can’t say whether or not any of this has been the case for your ex.

 

[Raggamuffin]

If he'd been more withdrawn he probably wasn't happy but couldn't open up to you about it. I always struggle being open with people I date.

As for them being back on a dating site. Not really a good idea for anyone to want to look to date again so soon after a relationship.

For me, when I said "I love you" it always felt hollow. Mind you, for a lot of people on the spectrum - it comes with other conditions, such as anxiety and depression etc. These sorts of things can eat away at your self esteem.

If you end up at a point where you don't like yourself, it's quite hard to then like or love other people.

My last therapist said a relationship is 2 halves. You are only responsible for your half.

From personal experience in my own life, and those of my friends - any sort of contact with an ex which is not long after a breakup can often be a little volatile. Of course it depends how things ended. But this doesn't sound like a smooth breakup, so perhaps their lack of contact might be for the best.

You each have to work through things at your own pace and try and chalk it up to experience. At the end of the day, anyone who is single simply hasn't met the right person yet. Heck, there's plenty of people stuck in relationships because we tend to fear change. Also a relationship has a comforting way about it, even if you're not in one that's right for you.

Being single is liberating though, and whilst it might not feel amazing right now - time is a good healer.

Ed

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Many people on the spectrum need more understanding and aceptation than confrontation in a relation. Most Neurotypical-Autist relation dont end well.

People who is normal like you have like an instinctive way to know how is the "correct" way to think, feel, behave, love, etc... High "functioning" autists can mask and pretend they think, feel, behave, love in that "correct" way but that "correct-normal" way is never our way. Our way is diferent, strange, original and to make us feel at home that "weirdness" must be accepted, understood, and if possible loved. Because that is our essence.

Many high "functioning" autist will be able to mask enougth to go into a relation, but masking is not the way to go into a relation. Going fully open in the first steps of a relation is neither a good idea, we may face lots of rejection and all of us had enougth rejection in our lives. So ideally it should be an unmasking process that is tricky and difficult. As @Raggamuffin says, that person must be ok with himself first in order to allow himself to show as he really is to himself and others.

To give you an example: Yesterday I (40+ y.o. engineer) went to a luxury italian restaurant with my daugther and wife, we bring with us some of the teddys of my daugther and me (yes I have a teddy dog). Those two teddys had dinner with us, and ended drunk because our teddys are not used to alcohol...and they did a scene in the restaurant.... my daugther and me were very appropiate, but those teddys... As you may imagine all the restaurant was quite surprised by that teddy scene. But my wife was deligthed, taking pics to put those drunk teddys on Instagram.

So to be myself I first need to accept that I am different, that its ok to be different and that my personal way to be different is actually cool, and share it with my wife and daugther as something cool.

There is another maybe not so nice explanation to your exboyfriend behavour, he may have a very rigid view of how a relation should be (like he took that idea from a movie or something like that) and he is looking to that exact thing he has on his head.

Or maybe its another reason, as @Bolletje says, we are very different.

I wish you the best of luck, you trully deserves someone who talk things with you.

 

[Magna]

I'm sorry that happened to you, @Confusedandhurt

I could be wrong, but when you've reached out to him since the breakup, has it been over the phone (ie verbal)? If so, I would recommend writing to him via email, text, letter, etc. asking if he would respond to you, that you would not judge him for his feelings and ask him to write back as to why when things were going well did they turn for him.

For many autistic people, myself included, it's easier to convey deep feelings in written form than verbally.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I do not know how common your experience is. Being socially isolated until at least 25 y.o., I relished the relationships I could have. My first fell apart because of compatibility issues, but when I met my spouse, her personality, values, interests, and background, was what I valued and I opened up to be emotionally vulnerable to her. Nothing could dissuade me from being with her. We were married on the anniversary of our meeting and I am as committed as ever to her.

 

[Tom]

I don't think it has any more chance at restoration then if it was with another NT. We often get folks like yourself asking same/similar question. I think in general that what you hear from people when they break up with you is not totally reliable. Often they candy coat things in an attempt to disengage with less injury or confrontation. What is fairly reliable is their actions. That is what you should go by.

 

[Aspychata]

Autistic men can be so loving. But yes, writing to them seems to be the best idea. Less stress for everybody. Maybe a break is important. I push away people when my emotions are sloppy. It's self-preservation. It's all l know. I don't know how to protect myself any other way because communication sucks in relationships. I am taking the easy exit of the freeway. Maybe reach out after a month and see how he is doing?

 

[Bolletje]

@Atrapa Almas that teddy scene sounds fun, adorable and hilarious.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

he may have a very rigid view of how a relation should be (like he took that idea from a movie or something like that) and he is looking to that exact thing he has on his head.

I can understand that. While I had to throw that rigidity overboard when I desired a relationship, initially it was anxiety producing, but when I started seeing some modest results, over it went. It helped that I started thinking ad-hoc. There were difficulties with that, but better than being constrained. The rigidity continued with other aspects of life which created friction, but finally lt was beaten when I would travel for work and wanted to be successful having to engage people of different cultures.

That said, and especially as I learned that an intimate relationship required vulnerability, my being rigid was not compatible with my goals.