Everyday issues becoming overwhelming when involving people

[MaoMao]

Anyone having problems with solving issues which seem not important and easy solvable to other people? I would like some advice on how to improve on this aspect of myself.

I should say that I have had communication problems since I was little, and only recently, after years of effort to improve, I have finally become acceptably comfortable in talking to people in pleasant situation. Though anything going slightly wrong still drives me to a confused upset state.

When there is a small issue with a person, what usually happens is:
- I try to be hyper-polite as I know I often come off as rude
- They do not understand what I am trying to communicate / do not get there is a real issue
- I try to keep going as they want to, to avoid confrontation
- this leads to the problem I had foreseen / the situation becomes unbearable
- I approach them in a more decisive manner, which they find rude
- the issue is often solved, but that person wants nothing to do with me anymore, or even worse, I get a bad reputation in that social group

Two examples that happened recently.
I am in a class-related lab where we learn things essential for our evaluation. We are in a group and all supposed to participate. Another girl does more than her share, impeding me from learning, literally holding me away with the arm, though in a subtle way. I try to join in, just by saying 'I can do this for a while' or similar. It doesn't work, for the first week I didn't get to do anything. So I push myself to a position where I think I can do work too, and when she pushes against me I do not move. I manage to do work and learn better. And I do take turns on a even base. But somehow the other people in the group get the impression I am not accommodating, and I am self-centered as I do not care about letting the other girl participate as much. They did not think that about her when I could not do anything for a whole week. Why? By the way, I had found a friend in this group and she won't go out with me anymore, which is very frustrating cause I am new to this country.

Another thing that happened is with my landlord. I bike and the building technically has a bike parking, but it is not accessible as it is packed full, plus not enough room between wall and rack to go through. The landlord casually says one day that he does not want bikes in the house. I try parking my bike downstairs but no space. I write him a email explaining that I too would prefer not to keep my bike in the room, but there is no space. He cuts some locks and removes some unused bikes, and writes me to put my bike downstairs. I check but there still isn't room to go through, but I am too embarrassed to insist after he put effort. I lift my bike above the head and make it fit. The next day I find my bike is broken, as other people just pushed through rather than lifting their bikes. After raging in a private space, I panic for the whole weekend at the idea of having to face the landlord (he checks in every Sunday night). I literally wake up in the middle of the night because of this, and cannot study for 2 full days. When he arrives, I say in a very anxious voice that there are problems with the bike parking, and he looks at me in a angry-ish way. After talking he is just like 'don't worry about it, just bring your bike up'. I do not understand if he is mad or not, so after he leaves I ask my roommate. She says it totally sounded like I was blaming him for my bike being broken, and expecting him to fix the bike rack situation (which I really didn't want to do!), and that that upset him, but not the keeping the bike in the house. Now the landlord probably thinks bad of me + I wasted 2 days, just cause the same situation feels so huge to me and so irrelevant to other people.

 

[rickxxxblaine]

I think you suffer from obsession. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean you need to play things in your head again and again until you find some kind of 'solution'.
There's no solution. People are stupid. I suggest you put your obsession to good use making new experiences, like painting or engineering and admit that people are dumb and you don't want to put too much energy trying to be 'understood'. You won't. Cause they're stupid.
The most you can do is protect yourself and live your own way finding a subject that matters for you and using your obsession skills to match perfection in that area. People won't understand, or they'll be jealous or will talk to you like you didn't put so much effort in what you accomplished, and that can be frustrating. But in the end, you'll have a goal in life, you'll do something with your life and not them.
Don't give too much time and credit to people that are just mediocre. Your obsession is your real super power, you just have to master it

 

[biblophile]

I think you suffer from obsession. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean you need to play things in your head again and again until you find some kind of 'solution'.
There's no solution. People are stupid. I suggest you put your obsession to good use making new experiences, like painting or engineering and admit that people are dumb and you don't want to put too much energy trying to be 'understood'. You won't. Cause they're stupid.
The most you can do is protect yourself and live your own way finding a subject that matters for you and using your obsession skills to match perfection in that area. People won't understand, or they'll be jealous or will talk to you like you didn't put so much effort in what you accomplished, and that can be frustrating. But in the end, you'll have a goal in life, you'll do something with your life and not them.
Don't give too much time and credit to people that are just mediocre. Your obsession is your real super power, you just have to master it

I agree I put my obsessions to good use through creative hobbies, it helps me not become obsessed over what others do. I once became obsessed with my next door neighbor, I felt he was a threat. I spent hours watching him through the window. finally, thank god he moved out. After that I took up drawing and was able to control my more destructive obsessions.

 

[Matt88360]

Unfortunately I don't have any advice on how to make it better, but I can relate to obsessing over small stuff, and being very bothered when things aren't quite "right."

I left a post in another forum about the difficulty I have attending Mass. If something is "off" somehow (a misbehaving child, someone sitting too close to me, stuff like that), it's very disruptive to me. Even if it's very little, it affects my OCD, and really gets under my skin.