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Engaged to someone with AS, feeling like I have to choose

S

skify

Active Member
Hello everyone,

I'll start by saying that I believe my fiance has AS. Although not officially diagnosed, he fits the criteria, and I've always felt like there was something different about him that made him socially awkward. He said growing up, his parents have brought him to psychologists and they never could find out what was going on with him. Anyways, we've been dating since about a year and half ago, and got engaged this year. He's an unbelievably sweet guy, and 90% of the time, everything is wonderful. Everything is wonderful, when it's just me and him.

I'm more extroverted than he is, and I have a big group of friends that I see regularly, that I've always seen regularly. He's started hanging out with us for the last year and a half, and majority of the time, it's been difficult. For example, I've had to chase him down because he thinks I was trying to get away from him when I wasn't, he's upset my friends on numerous occasions because of things he's said, he would either A) want to leave early or B) get drunk to loosen up but always gets so wasted that he throws up, and the list goes on.

And that is just when we're with people. When I want to go out to see my friends without him, he's constantly texting me, asking for updates when I haven't even switched locations, questions who I'm with even when I tell him who I'm with, he also constantly asks me that I'm not going to cheat or end up with some other guy, and again, the list goes on.

I should probably add, that he doesn't think he has a lot of close friends, if any. On top of that, he doesn't make much of an effort to see the ones he has or keep in touch. So it's hard to relate to each other with that fact. I try to encourage him in his friendships, but it doesn't work.

Lately it's been getting to the point where I don't feel like going out and seeing my friends because of the hassle I know it'll cause with him. I love him and I'm completely faithful to him. But with everything I mentioned, I just don't know how to move forward. I'm sure there's ways I could help with easing him in with my friends, or times when I want to see them. I know it's not a bad thing to want to hang out with my friends, but he makes me feel like it is, and makes me feel like I have to choose. I've been feeling so alone in all of this. Up until now, my friends and I thought he would just "get used to it." But I don't think that's the case, and I need to learn everything I possibly can because he's such a great guy, and fiance. I just wish he brought out that personality he shows me around my friends, cause I know they'd enjoy that. I didn't know what else to do except to come here and ask people who I hope would understand. So, Aspies Central, any advice on what I could do?
 
skify said:
Lately it's been getting to the point where I don't feel like going out and seeing my friends because of the hassle I know it'll cause with him. I love him and I'm completely faithful to him. But with everything I mentioned, I just don't know how to move forward. I'm sure there's ways I could help with easing him in with my friends, or times when I want to see them. I know it's not a bad thing to want to hang out with my friends, but he makes me feel like it is, and makes me feel like I have to choose. I've been feeling so alone in all of this. Up until now, my friends and I thought he would just "get used to it." But I don't think that's the case, and I need to learn everything I possibly can because he's such a great guy, and fiance. I just wish he brought out that personality he shows me around my friends, cause I know they'd enjoy that. I didn't know what else to do except to come here and ask people who I hope would understand. So, Aspies Central, any advice on what I could do?
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Hi Skify, welcome to AC.

It's really important for you to not shut yourself off from the world just because it is easier that way. It is okay for you to socialise with your friends without him, he should be able to respect that even if he has too much trouble joining you. Perhaps you could work on a compromise? Perhaps he could join you only every second time, and then define a time by which you will leave together. That way he knows he only has to hold up the facade for so long, which might help him relax around your friends.

Then when you spend time with your friends alone, I suggest you draw some boundaries and insist on them. It's really not okay to be hounded when you're out like that. If there are trust issues, then he needs to address that.
 
Thank you for your response, Christy. It's nice to finally hear that what I've been feeling is okay. I'll try to compromise with him in that way when hanging out with friends.

I've tried to get him to address his trust issues. But he doesn't think it's trust issues. He says that this is what he needs from me when I go out, and that I should do it for him. That's when I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be understanding, and I'm really having a hard time drawing those boundaries.
 
skify said:
And that is just when we're with people. When I want to go out to see my friends without him, he's constantly texting me, asking for updates when I haven't even switched locations, questions who I'm with even when I tell him who I'm with, he also constantly asks me that I'm not going to cheat or end up with some other guy, and again, the list goes on.
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This is a sign of someone who could be an abuser. (Please don't kill me, everyone. I just want to advise caution in the event that this behavior continues.)
 
That's okay Skify. Honestly, I'm not sure that the issue you are having is specifically ASD related. Aspergers makes it difficult to interact with people, but it doesn't cause you to put these sorts of demands on the people you love.

If he's going to be so black and white about it (which can be an aspie trait), then perhaps he needs it put to him black and white that his responses are unreasonable (because they truely are). Has he said what he'll do if you refuse to do these things for him?

Skify, if you stop hanging out with your friends (or only do so on his terms), you will loose the very life and vitality that your friends bring to you. This will change who you are.
"I'm more extroverted than he is, and I have a big group of friends that I see regularly, that I've always seen regularly."

This is one of the things that makes you who you are, and one of the reasons he fell in love with you. If you change that, you will likely end up feeling unhappy, and that won't help your relationship with him.
 
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Ereth said:
This is a sign of someone who could be an abuser. (Please don't kill me, everyone. I just want to advise caution in the event that this behavior continues.)
Click to expand...

I was tactfully trying to say that too ; )

Skify, abusers can be aspie too. They aren't mutually exclusive conditions, which would make it particularly difficult to figure out what is going on. I think the most important notion is what the realtionship is doing to you and whether you are happy with the person it makes you to be.
 
In regards to me going out, responding when I'm out, etc. he has this attitude now where he can't do anything about it, and I'm just going to do what I want to do anyways. I just end up feeling guilty cause he's visibly upset about it.

Thank you both for your concern. It's just really weird, he's like that when I'm out, and then when I'm with him again, everything is fine. It's just when I'm gone.
 
Thank you for the video. I guess he has you all stumped too like he did with the psychologists. I'll try setting those boundaries and those compromises, and see how it goes. Thank you for the resources, in case I do need some extra help. It really does seem to only be in regards to friends, because he's fine even when I'm with family for the same amount of time as I am with friends. In the meantime, if anyone else has any ideas on what's going on, and what steps I could take towards figuring it out, I'd really appreciate it.

Maybe another story could help? One time at a social gathering, he just left in the middle of it to go and sit by himself outside. Two of my friends tried to get him and bring him back without me even asking them to, which worked for like a little bit. Then he did it again. I tried to bring him back, and he said he didn't like that my friends tried to bring him back, but I told him that it's cause they care about him, whether he believes it or not. He came back, but just sat in a corner and didn't try to interact with anyone.
 
I know you mentioned that his parents have taken him to psychologists, but has he seen anybody for counseling lately, if for no other reason than to find ways to resolve the codependency? (There probably isn't too much you can do about the habit he's got of leaving social gatherings to be by himself, though I think he should at least try to be polite about it. Trying to get him to interact with others when he has no desire to do so may not end well.)
 
Hey, skify!
It's not uncommon for people on the spectrum to become obsessed with somebody and want to keep the object of their affection all to themselves. Some people are able to let go, some don't - depending on their level of communication skills. He might also have some trust issues due to possible traumatic experiences (just a theory). I would try to have an open conversation with him, or to write him a letter, saying that you love him and faithful to him but being with friends is an important part of your life and it would be devastating for you to give it up. Tell him that some people need social interactions more than others for their emotional and psychological health.... or something like that... or say whatever you feel like. Then maybe you can come up with set of rules that works for both of you (specific rules) maybe you can text him about where you are going and with whom and he promises not to text every 5 minutes, ... people on the spectrum respond well to rules, I know I do :) you have to be able to have an open conversation with you future husband, if you can't - that could be a sign of trouble or future issues.
 
Thanks everyone. He has been cheated on, in each of his previous serious relationships. We talked about that a long time ago, but I think he still refuses to believe that it is affecting us and our interactions when I'm around others. I really like what you said epath13 about setting rules more, and how aspies respond better to that. Knowing him, I think that'll be a great approach. I could do that in terms of him being more polite about leaving the group if he needs to, like ereth said.

He knows that my friends are important to me. He even advised me that when it comes to times like that, that I should just remind him of that fact. But it still hasn't helped enough to where he can go without hearing from me if I'm without him.
 
skify said:
Thanks everyone. He has been cheated on, in each of his previous serious relationships. We talked about that a long time ago, but I think he still refuses to believe that it is affecting us and our interactions when I'm around others. I really like what you said epath13 about setting rules more, and how aspies respond better to that. Knowing him, I think that'll be a great approach. I could do that in terms of him being more polite about leaving the group if he needs to, like ereth said.

He knows that my friends are important to me. He even advised me that when it comes to times like that, that I should just remind him of that fact. But it still hasn't helped enough to where he can go without hearing from me if I'm without him.
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The fact that you, guys, are communicating is a great sign. As long as it continues going this direction and as long as you focus on solutions, your relationship shall be quite satisfying :) and, on occasion, you'll end up repeating the same thing over and over. Sometimes we (spectrum folks) need that :) It seems to me that you're doing great job already addressing the challenges, you should be proud of yourself :) keep it up, and hope your fiance can put as much effort as you do
 
Thanks epath, and thank you everyone. I just talked to him about it, and suggested the compromises. He was really receptive to it. We're going to move forward with less updating when I'm out with friends, and him only joining social situations every other or third time. We laid out some ground rules for doing so. It feels as if in the end, he just wanted to know that I was making an effort to figure out how to be ourselves in this relationship and accept our differences, rather than just disregarding them and trying to change who we are. It feels good to finally be heard, not only by you all here, but by him too. Thanks so much Christy, ereth, and epath!
 
I'm so glad! I guess this was a case of finding a social "comfort zone" for him---he isn't as social as you, so he doesn't want to go out, but he relies on you so much that he wants to check up on you all the time.

I think with practice and patience, he'll become more used to social occasions.
 
It sounds to me like there are two possibilities. One, he is out of control and starting to boarder on abusive or two, he is wildly insecure and afraid, possibly due to past hurts--and your responses regarding him make it sound like you believe it's the second.

Unfortunately, sometimes there's no help for a relationship where one person is emotionally abusive. That's just a 'let it go' kind of thing where you have to walk away for your own sanity. It hurts, but it's the truth.

Loving communication is (at least my) solution to the second. It sounds to me like he's acting afraid but doesn't want to face the cause of that fear--it's important that he does. Talk to him about what he's afraid of, ask him direct 'why' questions. Aspie or NT, the direct approach might be helpful here. The temptation can be to react instead of act, but in the case of him being afraid and overly clingy, the answer might be understanding and love.

~Rachel
 
I had my opinion lines up before I read the other replies here - I'm relieved to see I'm not alone. Bluntly, I don't think you're doing anything wrong here. AS or not, being married means having to understand and make certain allowances and even sacrifices for the sake of your partner. You've always had these friends, and you've always been close - it isn't fair that you should have to give them up. After all, he KNEW you were close with your friends when you got engaged - it wasn't like you suddenly changed and sprung it on him.

As someone with AS,I can understand that there are times when you WANT something, and you may not even be able to explain WHY you want it, but you DO, so THERE. However, that's just not a realistic way to live, especially with the person you pledge your life to. Honesty is important.

I realise I'm starting to drone again. Sorry - I do that. I also understand that I didn't offer any actual advice - but hopefully the little bit of reassurance and support will be enough to help give you the confidence you need to resolve this issue.
 
I feel like I have much in common with your fiancé. In every relationship I've been in I've been deceived and cheated on, profoundly affecting my willingness to trust anyone. I also consider myself to be demisexual [romantic or intimate attraction from a sense of being emotionally synced or connected] and when I realize how naive I've been I've felt stupid, worthless and violated. That being said, I think compromise is the best tool for the job, sometimes he should bend to accommodate your wants/needs and other times you should. Life is all about pain management and love makes it worth the pain.
 
I think I have some things in common with your fiancé as well. You're not in an easy situation. When I'm with my girlfriend's friends, I've learned to listen. If something is unclear, I'll ask a question. I do not pass judgement or offer my opinion. I've got a lot further through listening and being understanding. Suggest that to him. Initially, I felt worthless because I could not contribute much in conversation, but my girlfriends friends began reacting better to me. Then I started to feel good because people became more comfortable around me.

I fought the tendency to text for updates and stuff like that. Those were past mistakes of mine. At some point, he has to love and trust the one he's with. Level with him firmly but gently that you are with your friends and will not provide constant updates. While you say this, reinforce that a lack of updates does not immediately mean I'm cheating on you. Folks on the spectrum can have an increased tendency to jump to conclusions.

You might as well be describing me. PM me some questions and I'll try to provide insight whenever I can,
 
Skify, it doesn't sound like he is being abusive. He just has some AS related issues. I have trust issues and constantly need to fight those tendencies. I'd like to help two people if I am able. It warms my heart to hear that you accept your fiancé. There aren't many so accepting so I'd like to see your fiancé successful. Maybe you put him in touch with me. I have strategies that I've developed for myself that might work.
 
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