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Featured Emotional disconnection to pet - to keep or surrender

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Lula1989, Jun 22, 2019.

  1. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes, my daughter was heartbroken over the loss of her dog when she was still living at home. I kept telling my mom not to but she was determined to replace the dog and did anyway. It was the same breed and everything. My daughter never got attached to it but he did end up making a perfect pet for my mom. lol
    Oh, but I eventually ended up with the dog when my mom died. Because she had put tags on all her belongings with names of who got what and she had my name on the dog. lol
     
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  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've never made this kind of mistake with a pet. Just a car.

    Where I replaced my stolen peach with a lemon. So much regret. :oops:
     
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  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    And I also don't think people should give young dogs to old people for companionship. It's a nice thought, but what happens to the dog when the now owner dies and the family members don't want it - ends up at the shelter. Maybe an old dog that is not likely to outlast the person but needs a home.
     
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  4. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    You seem to be immune to taking responsibility for your actions. Just don't involve any animals in your decisions in the future.
     
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  5. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That's huge concern I have, apart from my unrelenting OCD. I have no desire to orphan a pet over my old age.
     
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  6. Monachopia

    Monachopia ...spiral out... keep going. V.I.P Member

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    First of all, I'm sorry for your loss... it's always so hard to lose a pet. But two weeks wasn't quite long enough to grieve or to readjust priorities. I waited about 6 months before getting another pet after my other passed away - also quite unexpectedly after a period of sudden illness. My partner made me wait, even though I wanted to fill that hole much sooner.

    There is indeed a loss of independence when having a completely dependent creature to care for. I feel this all the time with my cats - I hate leaving them alone too long (they're indoor cats). Going away on holidays is hard or even going out for an entire day as they have a strict feeding schedule. They demand a lot of attention - I feel I can't do much during the day, they want to play or they want cuddles. But it's the sacrifice I make because I want them. They bring me enough joy and happiness to balance out the loss of freedom. The thing is - with any pet, it will always be a one-sided relationship. It's not for everyone and that is ok.

    I can see from your words that while you find having a pet difficult because of restraints, house cleanliness and worry - you also take great care for the dog's wellbeing. Making sure it is not stressed and looked after to the best of your ability. You also worry about your husband and his happiness. I do see you are a kind-hearted individual. But I do feel that both of you may have got another dog too soon. It was impulsive in some sense, because a part of the household was missing, even though you'd craved that freedom for so long. The dog is a living, breathing being, deserving of love - I know you know this, that is why you adopted, because you wanted to rescue a creature and give it a loving home. But dogs do pick up on stress and anxiety of their owners, so it will feel your frustration. You won't truly love this dog for a long time - it took me months before I truly became attached to my two new cats. So you have to ask yourself if you are ready for another dog at this moment, or if you need time to yourself. You can always get another dog in the future. I don't think your husband will resent you for any decision, his main priority is your happiness.

    At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and the dog. If you feel you can't give her what she needs for the next decade, then perhaps, it would be best to let her go before she and both of you get too attached. Maybe you just need time to recover from the loss and get your life structure to where you would like it to be first. That is also ok. It is reasonable. Taking on a big responsibility may not be the right move right now.

    Of course, from a personal perspective I feel sorry for this dog. She's been through a lot, but it's best that she has a happy future in a home that is ready to have her. I wish you the best with your decision.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2019
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  7. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Its a tough decision, and I agree with what Pats said about there being no clear correct and incorrect answer. I've gotten carried away in the moment and made decisions I regretted later. You are considering all three involved which is the best you can do. Whichever you decide, just try and make the best of it and put any regrets behind you.
     
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  8. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    So when you have a dog you hate it and when you don't have a dog you hate it. I really don't know the best decision here. Maybe change your attitude about one of them?

    I think you're right about replacement goldfish. No dog deserves to be one.

    This makes me think of a character in the Ross Poldark series. She didn't like babies, she doesn't like babies, but it was the 1790s so when she got married she had a baby, and she grew rather fond of it though it annoyed her quite a bit too.

    Maybe you need a better clean routine for the dog. Ours knows she can't go in past the hall before she's dry, and in some cases she has to have a paw bath before she's allowed in. If it's one that sheds I don't know how to remedy that, I don't know if those rollers to get dust off clothes are suitable for dogs.
     
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  9. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    Read about half the responses here. In a wretchedly miserable mood and not currently capable of being kind or gentle and probably shouldn't be posting, but am also a passionate defender of animals, particularly those taken in by humans and robbed of their freedom to live as nature/god/the universe intended, and so I'm gonna add my 2¥:

    Was getting the new dog as soon as you did stupid of you? I'm not going to make that call. Irresponsible and selfish of you? Definitely.

    Should you surrender the dog? Probably. If you can take it back to where you got it from, that's the best. Then, at least, you're not harming the dog in any meaningful way. Dropping it off at the pound? You basically murdered it.

    What you did to this animal is to use it like an object that doesn't have its own feelings, emotions and right to be alive. You treated it like somehow your grief was more important than that animal's entire life and you used it. You did that because when a human takes an animal as a pet they are robbing that animal of its freedom. If you're going to do that you have a moral responsibility to guarantee that animal a life at least as good as it would have had if you had never interfered. That goes for breeders creating new life as well as for people who capture or purchase animals. Your husband isn't the only one who has become emotionally attached. That dog has as well. When you surrender it, you're ripping a bond that YOU created.

    So, I don't think you're fit to own a pet because you're neither capable of caring for it logistically nor capable of treating it with the respect that a living being deserves. Minimize the damage to the pet and take it back to where you got it from. Deal with the fallout with your husband. Refrain from getting pets in the future (at least from dogs or other animals that can't be housed humanely in a cage or tank).
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2019
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  10. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Active Member

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    ….so do you want to have a pet or not?
     
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  11. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well Known Chat Member, Welcomer of Newcomers V.I.P Member

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    Why have something you know you aren't going to like at all in the first place? Yes, I agree with some of the replies here, take the dog back to where ever you got him/her from.

    I don't mind pets but I'll likely be Pet-Free personally when I happen to live on my own, that way I won't have to deal with any emergency vet visits and the like.

    I can't even imagine what this situation would be like if a child/children were involved in lieu of a pet.
     
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  12. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo Weird&Unusual Atheist Science=<3

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    I think you prefer playing with a dog and having it around to actually living with it. Which I also prefer despite as a child having slipped strays inside my apartment bc my folks wouldn't allow me to have a dog. I no longer am into owning pets because there are way too many benefits and freedom without any, no fur everywhere, no mess and smells, instant freedom on travel or going out for as long as i want.

    I do research though to see which pets are the least maintenance, destructive while being still cute soft, not too small and having an omnivorous diet like us humans, which i think makes the skunk my no. 1 fav pet once descented, when it actually smells less than the other pets. It's just my passion of finding top favs in anything pretty much. I like to watch videos of pets and look at pics too. Though again, a skunk would still be a big tie-up for me to clean up after bc id like to let it roam around even though theyre not big poopers and I'd not be able to go anywhere without leaving someone to take care of it.

    Skunks are much wilder than dogs which are the most domesticated so it would probably be thought as cruel to have skunks as pets and thats why theyre illegal in many states but also an antirabic vaccine could not yet be invented for skunks, which for a house pet wouldn't be a big problem, it's always supervised even if the owner prefers to walk it. Then given that antirabics are temporary, im sure most pets go unprotected many amounts of times. Anyhow, that's it for skunks.

    Maybe you can visit the shelter together and walk or play with animals or walk a neighbour's dog. This way you don't have your home experience, husband and budget suffering while still having the benefit of animal company. The only possible downside is if you get attached to someone else's dog and end up not getting along with the owner or attempt to interfere with its caretaking.

    I believe the main reason your husband asked you about owning a pet is because he noticed it bothers you and he no longer wants arguments with you about it. I guess you're confusing and distressing to him because you like the presence of pets sometimes but not always and also you don't like all the responsibilities that come with owning one which is understandable because pets are sometimes even harder than children to take care of. You can't put diapers on them, they never grow up, they run around much faster than a baby and destroy things and they cant always come with you when you go somewhere.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2019
  13. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    From what you said, I think it's probably better you give Nova up.
     
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  14. shysnail

    shysnail Well-Known Member

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    Assuming Nova comes from a no-kill shelter, I think returning her is the best option here. Think of it like you've fostered her for a bit, got her out of the kennel environment, and as long as the shelter is a decent one, she will hopefully find her forever home in the future. While I'm sure she has bonded with you and your husband, there's the potential for more happiness for her if she goes to a family where she is 100% wanted and loved. Since she's a young dog without any real behavioural issues, I'm sure she won't struggle too hard to find a good home.

    Just let this be a learning experience. I think I do understand on some level that the absence of having a dog disrupted your life. You missed your old dog once she was gone. But adapting to the new, dog-less routine would have been the right way to go rather than trying to get a replacement to avoid the discomfort of change. It sounds like you're the kind of person who pets don't really suit. As others have said, if you can't form emotional bonds with animals easily and you resent paying for them/having them around, I think that should dictate that you don't have pets.

    I'm sure your husband will miss having dogs, but I really think dogs are the absolute worst pet unless someone loves them 110%. They change your life so much and it's true that you absolutely have to fit your life around the dog. For some people, they just can't do that, so they shouldn't have dogs.
     
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  15. Molly

    Molly Happily living inside my head

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    Hi Lula.

    I know exactly how you feel, it feels confusing, scary and frustrating, well that's how I feel with my current situation.

    I have two wonderful boisterous Doodles I've shared my life with since pups - they are 5 and 7 years now and the bond (connection) between us is massive. They are my entire life since my husband died 5 years ago. We are together 24 hours 7 days a week and we greatly rely on each other, even though at times they are far too noisy, far too smelly, far too messy, far too boisterous, and far too demanding. But I would never let them go, never.

    On the other hand, 6 weeks ago I found a tiny young cat that had been abandoned in a local wood, next to it's discarded cat carrier - he was emaciated, cold, wet, terrified and in a dreadful way. I just couldn't leave him there, (hubby and I always kept cats) and I still have a huge passion for them. BUT, even though he is now plump, happy and funny, and playful, and my Doodles love him, him being a cat means he's very destructive, quite smelly at times, noisy and demands my attention all the time - sort of invades my space if you know what I mean, I am therefore quite anxious about him being in my house and I am still unsettled.

    I think you need to do what's best for you, whatever that decision is, try not to feel bad, let your husband support you. I feel either decision will leave it's scars.

    Me, I am keeping the little puss cat, I am quite fond of him, but (like you) I am finding it hard to bond/connect. I am always cuddling my Doodles and have all the affection I need from them - they are my best friends.

    I do cuddle and play with the kitty (he's just out of kittenhood)- he has allotted times twice a day (he has complete freedom of my house, apart from during the night) - but it's sort of forced. I know intellectually that's what he needs and wants, but I am not feeling it emotionally - at the moment.

    I know he would not have survived much longer outdoors, so I know I made the right decision for him, and he is thriving now.

    Life has far too many hard decisions and sometimes, we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

    Good luck, with your decision, I hope all goes well.
     
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  16. Molly

    Molly Happily living inside my head

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    I meant to say, in the past, we always acquired a new dog or puppy when our dogs (we have always had two) were getting quite elderly; that way, the new addition became part of the family and was settled in. It doesn't diminish the pain and utter devastation at the time of course, but it gives us something to move on to - as I really don't think I could ever 'replace' a dog in a situation like that.
     
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  17. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    Our elderly cat had to be put down due to cancer
     
  18. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    Our elderly cat had to be put down due to cancer. My husband wanted not to get another for a good long time, but a few days after losing her, I bundled him into the car and drove to the humane society (after reading some of the adoptable cat profiles online). The one that appealed to me was a mature cat up for adoption because her human had died. Without considering my husband's reservations, I met her and we proceeded to adopt her.

    She bonded to me very rapidly and is endearing in many ways. Her extremely loud purr makes our household happier. She is on my lap as I type this.

    Cats are different than dogs. My husband liked dogs but due to elderly aches and pains, he did not want one. I don't like dogs at all, myself (though puppies are cute). I find dogs dirty and smelly, and often destructive even as adults.

    So cats and dogs are as different as, well, cats and dogs; but I did rush out and replace a pet almost immediately, against the objections of my better half, and I do not regret it at all.

    The comment about OP being "stupid" was in fact rude; it was more than just "direct."
     
  19. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've had pets I loved and pets that I didn't care if they would die or go away. I think we connect to pets much like we connect to people. Either it clicks and works, or not. I've never abandoned a pet even if I hated it because I feel responsible for them once they come to live with me.

    We are not going to get any more pets until we are so old and infirm that we can't travel anymore, and maybe not then, either. At this point, we have an elderly German Shepherd and two cats, all of whom are strays who wandered up to our house so we don't really know their ages. It helps that we have a pet door to the large, fenced backyard so the pets can come and go in safety, as they please, and use the bathroom outside.
     
  20. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta New Member

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    Dogs need to be trained. She wrecks your house and hogs your attention because she hasn't been trained properly. Dogs are messy and high maintenance. I'm mystified as to why on earth you would adopt another one two weeks after euthanizing a dog who made you miserable. Bring the poor dog back to the shelter so that he can find a good, loving home. Animals are not things. They have emotions, wants, and needs. Return the dog and don't ever flippantly adopt another one again.
     
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