Doubting I'm on the spectrum

[Gracey]

Just to let you know that your ears definitely won't fall off.
Repeated pulling or tugging may slightly stretch any cartlidge or ligament but this will happen over many years of stimming.

 

[Drakanav]

Just to let you know that your ears definitely won't fall off.
Repeated pulling or tugging may slightly stretch any cartlidge or ligament but this will happen over many years of stimming.

It’s very flexible. I tried to do it to my dad once, and his ears can’t even reach his ear canal!

 

[Tom]

How do you stim with your ears? I didn't think you could move those, or maybe you pull them or something. But yes there are hidden stims sometimes. I always move a foot, and at night flap one hand in the darkness. I guess these developed as things not likely to draw attention.

 

[Drakanav]

How do you stim with your ears? I didn't think you could move those, or maybe you pull them or something. But yes there are hidden stims sometimes. I always move a foot, and at night flap one hand in the darkness. I guess these developed as things not likely to draw attention.

I put my earlobe into my ear canal, then repeatedly pull it out then put it back in. It feels better when it’s cold. It helps when I have anxiety or when I’m feeling tired, it helps me relax.

 

[Voxsh]

Hi

I don't know how many autistic people you know, but can I share something with you? My job rarely beings me into direct contact with the earthlings. All my students are autistic and apart from my very NT wife and people in shops I never talk to them. Almost all my students (apart from a classical autistic guy who did not speak until he was 10) have at one time or another doubted their diagnosis. I think it is both common and natural for us to do so. We analyse everything to death, our head's never stop, of course we doubt our diagnosis. And then we do something, say something, misunderstand something and the truth comes crashing down upon us, and that's Ok.

 

[Aecho]

I've honestly been wondering the same thing. I'm self diagnosed, so I don't have the "official diagnosis", but sometimes I feel like I'm not on the spectrum despite me meeting a lot of the traits associated with it (and my family saying that I am on the spectrum). I sometimes feel like I'm not like other aspies and unable to connect with others so I question myself on whether or not I am indeed on the spectrum. Which I guess is a trait in and of itself?

 

[Walsie]

Aecho, I have no idea if it's an autie trait. Autism being a spectrum makes things extremely difficult, and we humans like to put things in boxes. Add to that is a generally intolerant neurotypical world, so doubts ensue.

Drak, your ear stim sounds endearing. Do you have large lobes? Mine are really small.

I can't relate to autistics in novels, either.

I doubt myself all the time, and those tests for autism didn't help because they showed me I'm a neurotypical. I didn't find the questions particularly precise or flexible. An oxymoron, I know.

I was diagnosed at 12 months. For the first seven years, such were my cognitive difficulties and executive function and mobile issues, everybody thought I was retarded, myself included.

I don't do scripts. I rarely rehearse what I have to say. I have few problems on the phone although I hate it and as a child was scared of it (those old fashioned dial ones gave me nightmares, and made me jump every single time it rang, which fortunately wasn't often).

I can start conversations with strangers. Small talk is no problem and although I have my routines and eat the same foods most of the time, I'll try something new with no problems. I can't stand inflexibility. I have friends who'd wait for the green light although there aren't any cars coming. It drives me bonkers.

I can't stand being constrained by a schedule while visiting a historical house or castle, for example. A friend of mine loves organising things which is great because that stresses me out, but we have to do this at such time, do that at such time, etc. I balk every single time with, "Do we have to? Why do we have to? How about we ___ instead? Why can't we play it by ear?" We compromise.

 

[Drakanav]

I'm sorry, I've been sick the past few days.

Hi

I don't know how many autistic people you know, but can I share something with you? My job rarely beings me into direct contact with the earthlings. All my students are autistic and apart from my very NT wife and people in shops I never talk to them. Almost all my students (apart from a classical autistic guy who did not speak until he was 10) have at one time or another doubted their diagnosis. I think it is both common and natural for us to do so. We analyse everything to death, our head's never stop, of course we doubt our diagnosis. And then we do something, say something, misunderstand something and the truth comes crashing down upon us, and that's Ok.

I've only met 4 other autistic people. But all of them were males of course. But it is true, I tend to analyze things a lot. My mind is constantly thinking, "What if this happens? What if __?." etc.

Walsie, I'm not sure about my ear. It seems the lobes are small.

I can very relate to you. Especially eating the same foods every day. One thing that my mom and dad do that drives me crazy is not reading the instructions on how to cook the food. Then they cook the food wrong.

 

[Voxsh]

I hope you are feeling a little better now! You have an AQ of 44, 44 is a big score for a girl on what is a male biased primary test, just saying.

 

[Drakanav]

I hope you are feeling a little better now! You have an AQ of 44, 44 is a big score for a girl on what is a male biased primary test, just saying.

I'm feeling much better. Thank you for your help.

When I was 12, a few months after my mom said I was on the spectrum, she got me to take the test. I scored a 42! But it does change from time to time. But usually sticks around 40-44 range.

 

[Voxsh]

I once decided that I was not going to be autistic (This was after I had been diagnosed) so I took the test several times, being honest (kinda) but I still couldn't get it lower the 38, and I tried.

 

[kay]

I doubt my diagnosis all the time. Most of today I've just been trying to clean, playing with the bunnies, dipping pretzels in chocolate; feel fine and no problems. Went to the grocery store and thrift store. Not the same at all. I couldn't process much of anything in the thrift store, it was like I had my hair combed in front of my face while wearing dark glasses while listening to Captain Beefheart's Trout Mask Replica and Pink Floyd's the Wall at the same time. And the store wasn't crowded or loud. So, that's the times I don't doubt the diagnosis. When I run into people here and there and have to speak I quit questioning. Or during a good quality meltdown. But when everything is going well at home...a diagnosis makes no sense.

 

[Voxsh]

You listen to Beefheart and Floyd at the same time? I love Beefheart and saw Floyd at Earls Court play The Wall in 1980

 

[Voxsh]

Well as long as I don’t leave the house or talk to anyone who is not my wife my autism is a non issue most of the time. My anxiety has been getting worse for a few days however, it’s unlikely to settle for a while I guess. It’s the best it’s been for years, but then because of my job I rarely talk to anyone who is not autistic.

 

[Voxsh]

Sorry Kay, I misread your post

 

[kay]

You listen to Beefheart and Floyd at the same time? I love Beefheart and saw Floyd at Earls Court play The Wall in 1980

No, I never listen to them at the same time, way too chaotic. Separately both are great, but put them together and I don't think I could handle it. I never, ever listen to Pink Floyd while driving because if I did I'd constantly think the engine just fell out of my car. The Wall is the best album though. Every time I feel really angry at "the Man" I listen to that one. Do you think Beefheart's Son Zoom Spark sounds like Send in Spock? For years I thought he was a Trekkie or something.

 

[Voxsh]

Yeah, a little I guess.

Back to the OP....

Not all of us show all the traits, but then I guess you must know that.

I don't like people very much, if I can avoid talking to them I will, but then I will also approach people and talk to them if I over hear them talking about something I am interested in. I hate talking on the phone, even to my own children, I hate small talk and only really want to talk about things In am interested in, usually talking in a really loud voice. I have no volume control. Where I begin to struggle is planning and organising, I hate it, I am absolutely terrible at it and it and its totally anxiety producing, I don't trust myself at all either, I check, double check and then still leave the house without everything I need. I suffer from anxiety (I am having problems now) I hate heat, bright lights and can't eat food which is in anyway sloppy, eggs, porridge, rice pudding, gravy and custard on food is a big no no. I have always had a special interest which I have always been more than happy to talk about to anyone, and talk about, and talk about and talk about.

And I still doubt I am autistic.....

 

[Drakanav]

Yeah, a little I guess.

Back to the OP....

Not all of us show all the traits, but then I guess you must know that.

I don't like people very much, if I can avoid talking to them I will, but then I will also approach people and talk to them if I over hear them talking about something I am interested in. I hate talking on the phone, even to my own children, I hate small talk and only really want to talk about things In am interested in, usually talking in a really loud voice. I have no volume control. Where I begin to struggle is planning and organising, I hate it, I am absolutely terrible at it and it and its totally anxiety producing, I don't trust myself at all either, I check, double check and then still leave the house without everything I need. I suffer from anxiety (I am having problems now) I hate heat, bright lights and can't eat food which is in anyway sloppy, eggs, porridge, rice pudding, gravy and custard on food is a big no no. I have always had a special interest which I have always been more than happy to talk about to anyone, and talk about, and talk about and talk about.

And I still doubt I am autistic.....

I remembered something. When I was 6 years old, I got Fragile X testing. Do you think that could be related to autism? Of course the test came back negative, but It leaves me thinking.

 

[Voxsh]

I am amazed that you were tested for fragile x, it only affects boys, girls don’t have fragile x

 

[Progster]

I sometimes doubt my diagnosis, too, as I don't seem to have the severe sensory integration issues that many people with autism have (though it's true that I don't always process what people say to me) - mine are more about sensitivities, also the few people with Asperger's who I met in real life talked a lot, and seemed to talk and think really fast. I felt I was different because I don't talk a lot, I find it hard to talk, a huge effort, I'm slow and can't keep up with conversations or think of things to say, and I'm slow to switch my attention from one thing to another. I also find it hard to pay attention and switch off or zone out a lot, I live in my head, that's where I'm comfortable and where I want to be.

One thing that I've realised, though, is that how we see ourselves is often very different to how others perceive us - others can often see things that we are not aware of. For example, my mum once told me that she felt that when we went shopping or did something together, she felt that I wasn't really 'with' her, I was kind of in my own world. I had no idea that she felt like that - she also told me that I don't seem to be able to pick up on people's moods. I had no idea that people thought that, or that the problem existed even, until the subject of a possible Asperger's diagnosis came up. I guess that's just the problem - if we are unable to process or interpret information, then we can't possibly be aware of it.

Sometimes I wish there was some sort of test one could take for autism with a definite positive or negative result, either I have it or I don't have it - I hate this feeling of doubt and uncertainty, it's exhausting.