Hello, and also ¡Help!
My name's Lee and I'm turning 53 this week. I'm also (once again) facing the prospect of unemployment. I'm not officially diagnosed*, mostly because my therapist and psychiatrist are not sure adding a new diagnosis (in addition to OCD and major depressive disorder) will be to my advantage while I'm still at the mercy of my employer for insurance. What I need help with is this: I got a surprisingly sub-par evaluation last Thursday. We're not supposed to know each other's scores, but they've gotten back to me. The asst director who evaluated me is a conservative home-schooler, and I'm a gay man living in the south. I received a 3.39, and 3.4 appears to be the break point for a higher raise. I'm a pharmacist without a doctorate, and only one pharmacist over 30 has been hired in the past few years. There are new ones working part-time, waiting for me to drop.
My dad passed away in April. My mom is a wreck, and my brother isn't much help and has legal troubles. My numbers are really good. My error rate is far lower than the closest one to my score. The pharmacists who were evaluated higher than me trade stocks on the clock, talk about football and reality TV, and brag about the new restaurants they beat each other to. Meanwhile, I'm working on the 'tough' orders they've left behind--orders abandoned with their initials on em. Incomplete orders for critical hiv meds which, if missed, could lead to the drug no longer being effective; Parkinson's meds are left unentered unless I chase down doctors, nurses, etc--all because I don't want the patient to fall or shake uncontrollably. I was told my score was low because I "take criticism from our customers personally, and my negativity is spread to others." That's HR speak. I work in a hospital. By "customers," he means doctors and nurses. The doctor in question called to scream at me for an order placed by a different pharmacist. We were substituting a tablet for a liquid to save half a penny. At least twice (maybe three times) he simultaneously demanded to me to explain why the substitution was made (there was already a note on the order explaining why), and he wanted to speak to my boss--AND when I dared to reply he yelled at me not to interrupt him. He said I was being insubordinate. He then again simultaneously asked for my explanation, to speak to my boss, and to go ballistic when I tried to respond by speaking. I can't be the first here to short-circuit when given multiple, mutually exclusive commands. The boss who evaluated me said, "weelll, that's just how he is. He's as nice as he can be to me on the phone." My director said the same thing. Of course--she's a department head and has status and power. She then asked if I apologized for the "error" (which was actually was not an error). She said the doctor in question was as nice as could be to her. By the way, the nurses dread this doctor and several say they feel his malignant presence even on days he's not there. Interesting. So, I mentioned the incident with him when we were told in a meeting a few months later (right before being evaluated) that we were to be as deferential as possible to nurses and doctors, no matter what they say to us. My brain would've exploded if I'd stayed silent. So, I said it was unfair that we were often verbally abused without consequence, while nurses and doctors were never held accountable. The assistant director who evaluated me has told me I'm "very intelligent," and that when I say something, the others pay attention. Does he resent that? I couldn't be silent then, and I can't when I go in tomorrow. I can't hold this in. My dad's death (on tax day--and he owed almost in taxes as he was worth) has been hard to deal with in so many ways. One of them is financial--I'll do anything I can to help my 80 yr old mother cope, and missing out on a raise is like twisting a knife. By the way, the pharmacist who put in that order the doctor called about? She's 26, and the rumor is that the 500k plus house she lives in was a wedding present.
There are no pharmacy jobs available--especially without a PharmD, and being over 50 yrs old...I'm afraid I'll say something rude and quit or get fired. How do I get through this week? I can't stand maltreatment or not being able to speak the truth.
*persistent hand-flapper, scored a 503 on the Miller Analogies Test (4 std deviations above the mean--I see patterns; a lot of good that does me). I'm a socially-isolated gay man bewildered by what society and gay men want, so it's not surprising I have a photographic memory for minutiae about obscure bodybuilders past and present.