I am unthinkably serious about this whole thing...
Maybe I'm just so sick of being this miserable excuse of a human who just shuts down when LIFE gets too hard. Thats BS, and I have known it was BS all my life, but I never knew how to fix it... or at least improve on it.
Instead of people showing me ways around it, they showed me how to cope with it, and overcome the embarrassment of it, and live with it... THATS BS! Thats these ass hats focusing on my weaknesses to keep my checks going into their bank accounts. I literally had my counselor wordless the other day, now we are off on a very different journey as a team, not as me being the sick freak.
To fix anything is to face it. I'm not pretending I am gonna heal myself from any of my so-called limitations. I am not declaring I am going out and making a million dollars, or being some powerful being.
I'm simply wanting out of the this prison in my head... I don't think that is too much to ask... is it????
I'm so tired of struggling with stuff no others around me have to struggle with...
I KNOW there is more out there for me, and some of that is for me, and some for you too!!!
I dont want to go off on another lonely selfish journey in my head...
I want to get people involved who give a S--- about their lives who have this same deep down gut feeling inside... You KNOW there is more to this life than the limitations others have labeled us with, and caged us in. If you don't, they fully caged you, and I hurt for you.
I'm sick of playing the part of the messed up guy. This messed up guy might have proved he is smart at his job, but his actions always keep him in the messed up zone... Unless I change the process.
I may not have created the ASD, but I have allowed (even bragged on) every limit is has on me... Some of that can be changed, not for all of us on the Spectrum, but for those that cant change, we create a better picture of how they are to be perceived...
I'm not here to hide away, or get back the energy to fake being an NT again (that had me with a gun in my mouth)... Thank you, but no thank you.
No, I just want to fix what can be fixed in me, and be okay with what cant... If the world cant accept that then thats the worlds problem. I'm tired of everything being MY PROBLEM... I'm not big enough to handle that kind of load, none of us are.
ASD is taking on more, and more, and more, of some really bad exposure, and if someone don't get busy giving ways for it to get some good exposure - We and those after us, might be in for a very rough future.
Change of any kind starts within each one of us - no one can force it on someone else... We have to want it, and want it more than we want the air we breathe... Find a way to change, and that change will find its place out in a real world. I don't just believe this... I KNOW IT!
I'm paying out massive amounts of money for the counseling I get... I give what I learn from it freely to anyone who I might be able to help from it. I'm not here just for me. I'm here because this is the first place I have ever had that remotely felt right inside me.
I'm not here to gloat, or to make claims that are impossible. I'm telling you there is hope (even though hope is a beggar)... A lot of what we suffer can be changed by our own mindset... I don't just believe that I KNOW that.
I see it this way... I am in a place where I was shutting down more and more... It was becoming very worrying to my counselor who was advising me back to meds, more counseling, more, more, more...
It hit me... None of this has done anything but make me WORSE!!!! It was like GOD slapped me and said, "Wake the hell up!" And I did wake up and now I feel more alive than I have ever felt in my entire life...
Yet my body is screaming no to all of it... It too must follow. My body and all it wants have been playing the part of my brain. My brain just took that narrative back over and oh hell... I'm not sure whats next?
I hope you watch the video... It says more than I can write, but probably on a much more expanded goal set than I have... It makes no difference, its all the same.
Thank you all for putting up with me... I'm a roller coaster and I know that, but its one hell of a ride and its going to get better.
I did it because "I Am In" . So for me, I will be reporting after the fact because if I list it, I will freak and feel like a failure and not do it. Maybe one day I will share my YT channel w AC.
