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Does your physical appearance match your inner view of yourself?

Ken

Ken

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Anytime I see a picture of myself or see myself in a mirror it is always a jarring shock, because that image is not how I feel inside. The shock is greatest when seeing myself in a department store mirror as I walk past or my reflection in a window. I always think, “who is that!” As soon as I realize it’s me, I feel revolted.

That has always been the case. Makes me basically hate what I look like. I generally don't obsess over it, but it is still always a shock.

I’m curious if that's just me, and if it's an autistic thing. Anybody else feel that way?
 
I try to actively avoid mirrors. I wouldn't say I hate it, I look alright, but I don't like to see myself getting old. I look more grown up and serious than I feel.
 
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I personally believe no one imagines themself to be the way they are physically. But most make best out it. Personally. I do feel like my body isn't mine at all. That it never did match the spirit.
 
No. My whole life I am hoping that one day I will wake up as a tall, strong, handsome man. Alas the body I have is the one I have to live with. And while I know that I am a gorgeous woman, because I can see myself in the mirror and I can see how much men and even women are interested in me, this is not the body I wish I had. But I work with what I have now. At least I don't feel disgust towards it anymore, only sad acceptance. And I do take care of how I look, of course, because I have a partner and he deserves the best version of me.
 
I have a guy personality in a girl’s body. Lol

I also struggle a lot with self-esteem issues and body image issues, and I don’t think I look as good as other people seem to think I do. Sometimes I wonder if my husband has good eyesight…
 
My inner and outer self do not match... and no... I do not like photos or video of myself. Furthermore, if we listen to audio recordings of ourselves, it won't match either... what we "hear" is influenced by bone conduction, whereas what other people hear is something different.

I know it is all a bit of an illusion that our mind is playing on us... but on the other hand, I also believe that our consciousness is something separate from the "meat suit" we are temporarily occupying. We are the energy that makes it all do what it does, but we are not our body, per se.
 
In my mind's eye I look like 90s Andrew Eldritch. In reality I look like walmart version of Danny DeVito.

Like thejuice, I don't like seeing my face. I actively avoid mirrors. I used to cover them with a blanket at some point, when I was staying with a relative, but had to stop because once I forgot to remove the blanket and it was hard to explain... he thought I was afraid of ghosts.
 
When I was young my looks were an asset that I managed quite carefully most of the time. As I aged my looks diminished but so too did my ability to care about that. No, I never felt uncomfortable seeing myself in the mirror and I still don't.
 
People kept telling me I looked like John Denver, asked where is my guitar. Noticed later they were right could be his twin brother. No wonder I attracted women like flies, never took advantage of it. Not really into country or folk music.
so never noticed.
 
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If I could be 100% honest. I avoid looking in mirrors as much as possible. The only time I have to be face to face in the mirror with myself is when I brush my teeth. Just looking at myself. I find a profound disappointment. I am not unattractive by any stretch of the imagination. But my ideas of who I think of myself as, and what I see in the mirror, are two completely different things.

Personally. I feel like a mix between a masculine and feminine enitity. Being not one or the other entirely. But my body is hard bound to being male. I feel more like a undefinable being. But, I'm stuck in a definable form.

My pfp is more representative of something I see about myself. Notably feminine but still having some semblance of masculine traits.
 
My inner view is of a landscape of ideas. My outer appearance has good and bad aspects. A photographer could easily emphasize either one. If you struggle, you might want to invest in a professional portrait.
 
I could not believe I married my wife Marsha Brady lookalike, I guess you could say Masha hooked up with John,
Never thought of that before. Probably what others see. No wonder my oldest son looks like a Movie star. Maybe could of had a second career as celebrity lookalikes.
 
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I have noticed that I am pretty much minority in this issue. Both among this forum, and among the general population. Appearance seem to matter people way too much :D

Now that I think of it, when I was at my teens, I did worry what other people think of me. That included appearance worries. However, I never wanted to impress anyone, just to maintain some standard level to fit in and to not be considered too weird or misfit. I don't remember observing myself from a mirror asking philosophical questions like "Is that me?" or "Does that represent me?" or thinking thoughts like "I am not that, not really" or "I wish I would be (insert your favorite physical quality)" (well, I have wanted to be more muscular, but that wasn't appearance thing, more like practical as I wanted to be able to do more physical labor).

Now as I get old, I still have "bad hair days" when I look at mirror, but I think it as an amusing event, not something that should trouble me or anyone else. I see some gray hair and droopy eyelids, but I am more worried about aching, or soon in decade or two aching, bones as they directly affect my life. I don't remember ever having a feeling, that I am not satisfied with myself and that I would want to be someone / something else. Even thought I do daydream, even to the point of power fantasies, I don't feel that I do it to dream of being something else, it is just "what if"-thinking, not "I wish"-thinking, or just fuming to get rid of temporary thoughts. I have few personality traits that I would like to get rid of, or change, but I don't think I have ever disapproved myself as a whole. I don't approve myself either, I just am. (Disclaimer: At least, this a way how I would like to see my attitude - in the reality I could be a very insecure person, but I just don't realize it or accept it)

Probably this has something to do with the fact, that a) I have (almost) never felt any real need to connect with people, so I have taken only little pressure from the said people and their expectations, b) my mind has a habit to strictly categorize things as separate issues, meaning that if I see a fault in myself, that is just a one fault and I, meaning a whole person, is a different, only weakly related abstract thing, c) I don't see people's disapproval from their face, posture, or tone, d) I am a white privileged male with no physical defects :rolleyes:.

Neonatal RRT said:
Furthermore, if we listen to audio recordings of ourselves, it won't match either... what we "hear" is influenced by bone conduction, whereas what other people hear is something different.
Click to expand...
Ok. From that perspective, I totally agree that what others hear from me is not same that I hear from me. Same thing with conveying my internal life thru limited communication abilities. :)
 
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My inner personality has always felt like a guy or just neutral.
There were many things I disliked about being in a female body.
Now that I am old, it doesn't matter that much except for a couple of frontal lumps I wish weren't there.
Just an aggravation.

Physical looks for a female were good, and I still take care of my body.
But, at 69 and failing health, having a body like Dwayne Johnson wouldn't help much now. 😣
 
:) I don't have any particular image of myself that I refer to at all.
I just walk around in this meat puppet and I can make it into whatever I want. It's quite good fun sometimes.
 
I'm trans (MtF specifically) so... no. Sometimes?

I was about as masculine as a flower to begin with. So I can pass without much trouble. Bought a whole ton of makeup for it, turns out I only need a little of it. Bloody impulse purchases, very bad habit, gotta stop doing that.

The trouble then isnt whether or not I CAN look the way I want. I can do that, and have done it before. The trouble is making myself actually perform the steps.

It seems like half of my problems go back to my school days, and that's one of them. I spent so much time being shoved into a little box of conformity (not just because of my gender issues, I mean because of EVERYTHING), because NOT doing that meant more bullying, also my mom thought if I fit in more I'd make more friends (no). College wasnt much better, there were no bullies or anything but it was a "business" college, so you gotta look proper because... learning? That one never made sense to me. I didnt learn a bloody thing there either... like thank you, you definitely taught me all the computer stuff I already knew, golly how productive...

*ahem*

My work days were the worst though. Fit in this EXACT box, wear this EXACT outfit, dont let your hair hang down because... er... because, DONT HAVE A FREAKING PERSONALITY. I always hated mirrors even before this, but work days, that was the worst time to look at one. And then on top of that you have to even ACT a particular way. Like... me, go through the day without making sarcastic comments? Torture, I tell ya.

Decades of all of that nonsense and... well, I can say, it's very hard to break out of old habits. Unless I get frustrated enough.

Funny thing is, I'm not actually very good at conforming so I default to looking androgynous, erratic, and ragged, so I stand out regardless of those habits. So that makes it even dumber.

And ya know, my chronic pain doesnt help with any of this. It's like an amplifier. If I'm already feeling bad about myself, self-esteem in the gutter, that'll get multiplied at times when the pain is acting up. Not sure why, but that's how it works.

I'm getting better though with all of this over time. Even the pain. Though much to my annoyance, the solution to that, which is physical therapy, often hurts a lot worse than the chronic pain itself. Buncha nonsense, I tell ya.
 
Same situation as @Misery with the MtF situation. Thank goodness for medical transition/hormone therapy. I don't think I would be functional without it.

As for looks, I'm nothing remarkable, still look extremely mannish. I am okay with that, for now, as my body is doing exactly what it wants to do with itself. We're growing different skin textures now? Fine. Body hair that used to disgust me is now growing completely different and I can accept it... not shaving my arms and legs just okay with letting them exist. Small and unfortunate-looking breasts? Who cares. You should wear a shirt anyway so nobody will see them. Too tall, massive manly hands, big feet? Hey - I'm doing a man's job at work so might as well be able.

Life's a journey and I am finally starting to accept the weird little flesh-vessel for the first time since middle school. I'm happy now.
 
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