Does this happen when you try to socialize?

[Tony Ramirez]

You try to get into a conversation with someone. Then someone butts in and then that person focuses on that person and the conversation is over because they are talking to the person who butted in.

 

[Progster]

Yes. All the time. One of the many reasons why I don't socialise much.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I have to socialize with others outside my family otherwise I get depressed of course I still get depressed when what I posted happens too which was yesterday. Then I watch Spongebob Squarepants to cheer me up. I normal watch that after feeling depressed.

So it is a no win situation.

 

[Phlogiston101]

Yeah, that happens to me too. Sometimes when the person who butts in takes over the conversation, I'll get distracted looking at something, I think it's a way I have of dropping out of the conversation but still being physically present. Other times I'll just walk away and find something else to do.

 

[Rasputin]

You try to get into a conversion with someone. Then someone butts in and then that person focuses on that person and the conversation is over because they are talking to the person who butted in.

You might be trying too hard, and that leads to more anxiety. I never had friends that I hung out with when I was single. However, I am very good at observing people, how they dress and groom themselves, where they go to socialize, how they interact, etc. What I am suggesting is that you temporarily forget about trying to meet someone. Instead, go where other people go to socialize, order yourself a drink to relax, listen to music, and just watch people. By doing this you can learn how to meet people, and you may appear intriguing to others who want to meet people. Instead of you chasing others, appear relaxed and secure in yourself. Eventually, someone will become interested and they will start up a conversation with you, and perhaps will ask you to join them. I became very good at this, and in fact met my wife in this way.

In case you are wondering about me, I had so much anxiety in high school and college that I could not even talk to a girl I liked. It wasn't until I was around 27 years old before I overcame the anxiety enough that I was successful in socializing. One of the keys to my success was just going out on a regular basis without trying to meet anyone. Just focus on enjoying yourself and watching other people, and learn.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Yesterday Church meeting went much better. I socialize with my friend Brian. We talked for about 15 minutes. I told him I have Asperger's and he understood.

I prayed with Josh the associate pastor who I told I have Asperger's so the prayer helped.

Also talked to my friend Justin who knows I have Asperger's and said on a social scale I was around a 5 out of 10 better then when I did not socialize and I was an 0 (not going) or 1 (avoiding people).

I talked to this new guy for a few minutes until the lights went out as it was closing time at the Church.

Then on my way out I also talked to this girl Kate from life group which lasted a few minutes which is a record with girls I know. She did most of the talking but I talked too until she got an alert on her phone telling her it was time to go home to sleep as she gets up early for work. Also during these conversations no one butted in.

It was a good but I was tired when I got home so after watching television for a hour I went to bed and fell asleep right away.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thanks Rasputen. As for talking to girls I don't know that is a 10 on my scale which is the most difficult thing to do. Me and my therapist created the 0 to 10 scale that I shared with Justin.

Talking to a girl I know is a 7 but I did it last night so it's not impossible.

I also like listening when they talk. They can talk about there life story and I won't get bored actually that's less talking for me except when something comes up that is related then there is more talking.

 

[tducey]

Happens to be as well, yeah it's annoying for sure.

 

[Progster]

My partner and I used to eat out a lot more than we do now, and we sometimes went to a fast food place whose owner my partner was friendly with. This guy used to come over to our table, start up a conversation with my partner, completely ignoring me. Rude!!! So I would soon get bored of staring at the scenery and watching the other customers and want to wander off or go home.

I wasn't very good at standing up for myself, now if this happens with this guy again, I'm going to tell him how rude I think he is.

Part of the problem is with having ASD - they expect you to join in the conversation and be able to do so, but I can't - never could. And if you don't join in, nobody really cares, not in this culture I live in.

In some ways it's a relief, because I never really was good at making conversation socially and it's a huge effort to do so, but on the other hand, it's disheartening and frustrating. It used to bother me A LOT, now I don't care so much, don't have expectations of others - I have my phone and I can just pass the time with that.

 

[joe2006]

That happens to me all the time. Usually they talk about something that I am not even interested in. I usually wait until they are done talking and then try to pick up where I left of before the interruption.

 

[Judge]

To me when I read of such things, it reminds me of a basic social dynamic for those of us on the spectrum. That many of us have the capacity to engage and maintain a "one-on-one" conversation with another person. However when that discussion suddenly involves yet another person, we lose our ability to focus and multitask, requiring an ability to follow not one, but two conversations at the same time.

Worse when yet another person suddenly walks up and begins to engage the others. There's a word I have for these circumstances...called a "party". Just another reason why I tend to avoid them altogether. Where my ability to socialize and multitask goes to "hell in a handbasket".

Quite often where too many people talking at once, and too difficult to focus on what any of them are saying. Compounded even more given in most instances, this process also involves mindless small talk to begin with.

 

[Marianna Jimenez]

I get easily annoyed when someone shoves themselves in the convo. More often than not, when I'm getting super into a topic with another person, someone else cuts in and my train of thought crashes and piles up inside my closed mouth. If someone adds something to the convo I can easily focus my attention on both, but sooner or later the other feels left out. I think the saying "Two's a party, but three is a crowd" definitely fits the situation.

 

[Rasputin]

My partner and I used to eat out a lot more than we do now, and we sometimes went to a fast food place whose owner my partner was friendly with. This guy used to come over to our table, start up a conversation with my partner, completely ignoring me. Rude!!! So I would soon get bored of staring at the scenery and watching the other customers and want to wander off or go home.

I wasn't very good at standing up for myself, now if this happens with this guy again, I'm going to tell him how rude I think he is.

Part of the problem is with having ASD - they expect you to join in the conversation and be able to do so, but I can't - never could. And if you don't join in, nobody really cares, not in this culture I live in.

In some ways it's a relief, because I never really was good at making conversation socially and it's a huge effort to do so, but on the other hand, it's disheartening and frustrating. It used to bother me A LOT, now I don't care so much, don't have expectations of others - I have my phone and I can just pass the time with that.

@Progster, this happens to me all the time whenever I accompany my wife to any family social function. I am obviously different than they are, and find it difficult to jump in and join the discussion. I don't like it, but don't know what to do about it.

 

[Rasputin]

To me when I read of such things, it reminds me of a basic social dynamic for those of us on the spectrum. That many of us have the capacity to engage and maintain a "one-on-one" conversation with another person. However when that discussion suddenly involves yet another person, we lose our ability to focus and multitask, requiring an ability to follow not one, but two conversations at the same time.

Worse when yet another person suddenly walks up and begins to engage the others. There's a word I have for these circumstances...called a "party". Just another reason why I tend to avoid them altogether. Where my ability to socialize and multitask goes to "hell in a handbasket".

Quite often where too many people talking at once, and too difficult to focus on what any of them are saying. Compounded even more given in most instances, this process also involves mindless small talk to begin with.

@Judge, this happens to me all the time at group functions. When someone does talk to me I can not tell what they are saying because I hear 10 conversations blended at once.

 

[Progster]

@Progster, this happens to me all the time whenever I accompany my wife to any family social function. I am obviously different than they are, and find it difficult to jump in and join the discussion. I don't like it, but don't know what to do about it.

This is one of the reasons I've stopped going to these social functions. Before I was diagnosed I thought that something was wrong with me, I couldn't understand why it was that I couldn't participate in conversations the way other people can, and nothing seemed to work. Now I just accept that this is the way I am, I'm different and there's nothing I can do about it except to avoid these situations. But now I have my phone, I can just look at stuff on my phone to pass the time.

 

[Rasputin]

This is one of the reasons I've stopped going to these social functions. Before I was diagnosed I thought that something was wrong with me, I couldn't understand why it was that I couldn't participate in conversations the way other people can, and nothing seemed to work. Now I just accept that this is the way I am, I'm different and there's nothing I can do about it except to avoid these situations. But now I have my phone, I can just look at stuff on my phone to pass the time.

Passing time with my phone is what I do also.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I socialize with this girl I know Kate for over 20 minutes with no interruptions. I actually approached her which is not normal especially with a girl. We talked about various topics including how I came to the Church. Even asked her to exchange WhatsApp chats and showed her how to use it.

Yes I was sweating buckets at times of course I was wearing an heavy coat and sweater which did not help.

But my social social skills are improving.

 

[Phlogiston101]

I do something similar, at work I tend to socialize with a couple of our female lab techs, it seems to have helped me a lot with small talk with people. And it's free. I still at times either don't have words to say, or sometimes just don't feel like talkiing. I think they have probably figured me out a bit since that doesn't seem to bother them.

 

[Buzzerfly]

Don’t feel invalidated by such manipulation. The butt-er is usually trying to take the original persons focus off of you in order to keep that person from experiencing your light.

Butt-er will also silently sell that you’re the wicked one. Just give him or her a big, dramatic sigh, a look of “You’re so rude” and walk off.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I told her I had some of what my sister has which she had to know I had Asperger's as she is a pre-K teacher so she had to encounter kids with Highly functioning Autism. She committed that I was doing a great job talking to her despite my awkward social skills which are improving as I asked her for her What's App so we can chat something last year I could not even speak. It also helps that I back on Seroquel and Prozac which reduces my anxiety and makes it easier to speak to people.

I also chatted with her yesterday using What's App.

So my anxiety scale me and my therapist created where a 10 is approaching a girl I don't know for an conversation what was a 8 approaching a girl I do know for a conversation is now a 6-7.