Does anyone project great vulnerabilty?

[Fino]

For a short time, I was reading the posts on a forum for those with anti-social personality disorder, and there were many descriptions of the violence they committed as children and teenagers. There really are "sociopaths" in schools tormenting other kids. I'm not claiming it's common, but it's out there.

 

[An Arctic fox]

For a short time, I was reading the posts on a forum for those with anti-social personality disorder, and there were many descriptions of the violence they committed as children and teenagers. There really are "sociopaths" in schools tormenting other kids. I'm not claiming it's common, but it's out there.

it is but that is also one of (I think) 14 personality disorders.

 

[Rectify]

There really are "sociopaths" in schools tormenting other kids. I'm not claiming it's common, but it's out there.

Yes, sociopathy is most like anti-social personality disorder. That and narcissistic personality disorder, whether diagnosed or not, are examples of ones in which other people can get hurt.

As @An Arctic fox mentioned there are a number of PD's. The point being, I think, that not all of them are problematic for others.

 

[Pats]

I was reading an article about autism and why autistics are more vulnerable to rape and domestic abuse, etc. Some of the reasons it suggested was lack of friends to warn us of someone's reputation. Gullability and naivety and inability to recognize dangerous situations and read peoples motives. And I'll add, at least for myself, inability to defend oneself or nicely fight off unwanted advances or treatment.

My mom pressured me into dating - because I needed to get out and be with others. She pushed me into dating M. I was 15, naïve, shy, no friends, didn't know how to deal with the world, immature in social aspects, etc, etc. Of course my mom didn't know I had these problems, when I was bullied or mistreated no one ever knew about it, I kept it to myself out of embarrassment. So I go out with M and all he's interested in is sex. I'm saying no over and over, I don't want to but he doesn't stop and I don't know how to physically fight him off. I don't tell anyone because I feel embarrassed and guilty and should have stopped it, even though I didn't know how. My parents like M, who happens to be my brothers best friend, and even my brother gets mad at me if I don't want to go out with M any more, so I'm pressured into continuing to date him. By the time I'm 16 I'm pregnant and my parents force me to marry M. I really didn't want to, but even M was making threats if I didn't like if I didn't he would kill himself. I was a little girl in maturity, what was I supposed to do?

So I guess I'm saying, we ARE more vulnerable to mistreatment because everything about us says we are weak and don't fight back and easy prey. I feel like if we could be taught from a young age how to defend ourselves and stand up for ourselves the worst part of being autistic would not be such a problem and everything else wouldn't be so hard to live with. Sure, we're taught to 'just say no', but just saying no doesn't work and we need to learn how to STOP the abuse. So far, the only thing we have as a solution is to get away. Think about it - every mention of mistreatment, every piece of advice is get as far away as possible. Yes, that's a feasible solution, but there has to be something else so we can actually live among this type of person because they are everywhere, and actually stop it instead of always just running from it. (And I'm guilty, too - I always advise to get away. But that's the first step of protecting self, not the only step).

 

[Running Girl]

"Humans are predators" . True, unfortunately. I was bullied at sleep away camp when I was 9. And also at home by my older brother. Also at a few jobs. But also want to say (to my shame & regret) that i bullied other kids both before and after the incedent at camp. I instinctively knew if i was the predator, i could avoid being the prey. I am always fearful of being bullied, especially at work, and wish i had tailored my employment choices to jobs where i worked alone. Knowing now that I'm on the spectrum actually helps me feel better, knowing it isnt that i am awful or unlikeable; just wired differently.

 

[All-Rounder]

I project it more in rl, and am weird in dressing, I stand out and as soon as i gained a few kg on my belly ppl started talking i dont work out while i was trying hard to but couldn't i think is bc of hormones. Strangers are really rude here, not sure if elsewhere. And i feel like its not happening to others which are fatter or wear non modern clothes or mens clothes. I also dont respond and make eye contact on the street and I noticed that may be a vulnerability but even if i look at the ppl talking they still do, dont care.

In my early age I was picked on by classmates for various reasons and treated them with silence, i was afraid to talk or fight them for the ugly things they did to me but also by my crush for my clothes but then mom couldn't buy expensive ones bc poverty and sometimes would buy boy ones.

 

[Fino]

it is but that is also one of (I think) 14 personality disorders.

You're so smart!!

 

[Edward764]

What is interesting is that the three biggest bullies were disguised as friends, and were all brilliant and well known in various entertainment circuits.
My biggest bully became a radio personality. He was " The thing that wouldn't leave", as he would drive 65 miles to see me unannounced since he had no phone ( 1972-79). He would expect me to entertain him about 12-14 hours straight on weekends, and a few hours if he showed up during the week.
I tried to confront him about this, but he verbally defeated me, as his IQ was genius level. He was a D student because he did not care about school. I could not concentrate on college homework because i was afraid he would show up at any time, and I would not be able to get rid of him. This affected my concentration for seven years, and is a major reason I under achieved academically.
One day I could not take it anymore, and I threw my physics book on the ground and spit on it.
I last saw him in 1979, but in 1986 while at my health club, I heard his voice almost every night I was there, since his radio program was broadcast at the gym.
Bully number two was almost as smart and even more accomplished.
He became a television producer and politician, and was well known in the celebrity circuit.
The third bully, who dumped the trash can over my head and stole and ripped away my textbooks, became a punk rock musician.
I haven't seen bully # 2 since 1980, but he tried to get a hold of me on facebook this year AHHHH!
When things really got bad was when bullies 1 and 2 became friends in 1973.
They loved to tease taunt, and ridicule me.

 

[Fade2black]

In all grades, I never fully fit in. At an early age of about 7-8 years old, I recognized that other kids had much closer relationships than I did yet I was never sure why. Kids bullied me and in turn I bullied other kids, because I thought that was the way it worked. It didn't occur to me that the behavior exhibited toward me was malicious until I was much older.

Kids are cruel, for sure. And adults are too. The difference is that adults are more covert in their cruelness and it's more difficult to recognize. I'm often knee deep in conflict before I even recognize it leaving me at a distinct disadvantage to defend myself, which usually occurs in the workplace.

People have always preyed upon the weak. EG: Physical assaults occur unanimously when the bad guy is taking advantage of someone weaker. People are the same in everyday life.

I've dealt with this all my life and I still deal with it now. The difference is, now I know why they do it. As a result, I'm no longer surprised when it happens. I'm 57yo for reference.

 

[Rectify]

My parents like M, who happens to be my brothers best friend, and even my brother gets mad at me if I don't want to go out with M any more, so I'm pressured into continuing to date him. By the time I'm 16 I'm pregnant and my parents force me to marry M. I really didn't want to, but even M was making threats if I didn't like if I didn't he would kill himself.

That's awful. I really feel for you @Pats It must have felt so confusing - among other things.

One of the most important reasons I can see for early diagnosis would be so that those who care for you can take into account the late or slower maturation thing. Well, I say that looking back on my own life with the benefit of hindsight. I feel like this would be important for other people too.

there has to be something else so we can actually live among this type of person because they are everywhere, and actually stop it instead of always just running from it.

I have googled this many times... It seems like a lot of it is about projecting confidence and standing up to people. Dozen's of times I've tried to become that person but I can't keep it up for long. I wish I could be that person, but I can't.

And I'm guilty, too - I always advise to get away. But that's the first step of protecting self, not the only step

I can really relate to that (and I hope I havn't misunderstood what you were saying here). Some of the things I read on this forom - wow. I just really worry about some sweet posters who seem to be stuck in bad relationships. My pressing thought is they need to get away - don't waste any more time on these people. And the advice isn't necessarily wrong. But then I have to remind myself that not everyone is like the person who I was with for a decade who was awful to me, and not everyone is like me.

 

[Fino]

What is interesting is that the three biggest bullies were disguised as friends, and were all brilliant and well known in various entertainment circuits.
My biggest bully became a radio personality. He was " The thing that wouldn't leave", as he would drive 65 miles to see me unannounced since he had no phone ( 1972-79). He would expect me to entertain him about 12-14 hours straight on weekends, and a few hours if he showed up during the week.
I tried to confront him about this, but he verbally defeated me, as his IQ was genius level. He was a D student because he did not care about school. I could not concentrate on college homework because i was afraid he would show up at any time, and I would not be able to get rid of him. This affected my concentration for seven years, and is a major reason I under achieved academically.
One day I could not take it anymore, and I threw my physics book on the ground and spit on it.
I last saw him in 1979, but in 1986 while at my health club, I heard his voice almost every night I was there, since his radio program was broadcast at the gym.
Bully number two was almost as smart and even more accomplished.
He became a television producer and politician, and was well known in the celebrity circuit.
The third bully, who dumped the trash can over my head and stole and ripped away my textbooks, became a punk rock musician.
I haven't seen bully # 2 since 1980, but he tried to get a hold of me on facebook this year AHHHH!
When things really got bad was when bullies 1 and 2 became friends in 1973.
They loved to tease taunt, and ridicule me.

Maybe assertiveness training could help!

 

[An Arctic fox]

You're so smart!!

Thank you

 

[Rectify]

Maybe assertiveness training could help!

I think it can.

Though, it can be hard for those who are more inclined to moving through the world gently, to keep that up on a long term basis.

 

[Pondering]

Looking back on it, for how obviously vulnerable I was as a child, I was never bullied as severely as I might have, had I been surrounded by different people. I don't think it comes down to luck, so much, but if I had to guess, the people around us is likely a big factor. The people around me were - and are - generally respectful enough not to use my vulnerability against me.

As for vulnerability into adulthood, I've found it helpful to embrace the things that make me vulnerable, without allowing room for disrespect, so that even if someone does try to use it against me, it won't hurt me.

I would also like to mention that vulnerability is not the same thing as insecurity. For a lot of people, the first tendency is to get defensive the second their vulnerability is put on the spot. But if you drop that tendency, vulnerability can be a strength, and a beautiful thing. It's insecurity that people tend to question and sometimes attack. But, if you are secure with your vulnerabilities, without getting defensive about it, you will project a strong, healthy, stable mentality: 'I am vulnerable, but I am not weak. I am not a coward. And if you try to use these things against me, joke's on you; it won't work." It will be like trying to cut through a concrete wall with a pair of scissors; it's a poor refection on them, not you.

If anything, I'd say someone who attacks another person's vulnerability is doing it because they themselves are insecure about something (trying to hide their own vulnerability/doesn't have the courage to expose their own). In that case, the goal isn't to make them feel bad about themselves, but instead, to encourage them to open up about it (and thank them if they do), be a good listener, and assure them that you're not going respond harshly, critically, or with judgement.

TIP: Human beings like receiving positive feedback, and dislike criticism. Offer positive feedback to reinforce good behavior from other people, and be clear about habits you don't want. For example: 'Thank you for doing this(+)' or 'I don't like that you do this(-)'

I recommend watching 'How to be Nice Without Being a Pushover' on YouTube from the channel 'Charisma on Command' at 6:01

 

[Rectify]

I've found it helpful to embrace the things that make me vulnerable, without allowing room for disrespect, so that even if someone does try to use it against me, it won't hurt me

That sounds good, but how to do that (for many of us) is the difficult part.

someone who attacks another person's vulnerability is doing it because they themselves are insecure about something (trying to hide their own vulnerability/doesn't have the courage to expose their own). In that case, the goal isn't to make them feel bad about themselves, but instead, to encourage them to open up about it (and thank them if they do), be a good listener, and assure them that you're not going respond harshly, critically, or with judgement.

Probably. Like if someone is an arsehole to you it's probably because they are hurt blah blah. But I find myself thinking...'don't be an arse****.' Full stop.

I recommend watching 'How to be Nice Without Being a Pushover' on YouTube from the channel 'Charisma on Command' at 6:01

@Pondering I've looked at that sort of thing before. I get it on some levels, and I’ve even said to my daughter that James Corden has a way with people. But … these are tricks and I feel like they are not going to work on a person who is a fricking arse****.

But I do appreciate that this is one way you can try to get around how some people are. Using tricks.

 

[Rectify]

I recommend watching 'How to be Nice Without Being a Pushover' on YouTube from the channel 'Charisma on Command' at 6:01

Some of the comments underneath that video were gold though. Particularly the person who complimented someones arm veins.

 

[Pondering]

Some of the comments underneath that video were gold though. Particularly the person who complimented someones arm veins.

Hahaha! I saw that too.

 

[Pondering]

I've looked at that sort of thing before. I get it on some levels, and I’ve even said to my daughter that James Corden has a way with people. But … these are tricks and I feel like they are not going to work on a person who is a fricking

Yeah. It really depends on the person. Some people are cruel, and won't be reasoned with. But at least what they do and say doesn't have to dictate your own words, actions, and emotions.

 

[Rectify]

Yeah. It really depends on the person. Some people are cruel, and won't be reasoned with. But at least what they do and say doesn't have to dictate your own words, actions, and emotions.

Yep, some just are.

But damn that James Cordens an amazingly personable fellow!

 

[Pats]

I can really relate to that (and I hope I havn't misunderstood what you were saying here). Some of the things I read on this forom - wow. I just really worry about some sweet posters who seem to be stuck in bad relationships. My pressing thought is they need to get away - don't waste any more time on these people. And the advice isn't necessarily wrong. But then I have to remind myself that not everyone is like the person who I was with for a decade who was awful to me, and not everyone is like me.

No, I agree and also strongly feel that these victimized sweet posters need to get away. As I said - that's the first step and the priority. Now needs to come how to prevent it from happening again.