Does anyone not like it when someone says they will make friends?

[Amethystgirl]

I'm in a new virtual group and it bothers me when my close friend tells me I will probably make friends in the group. Here's thing: I have some online friends but only 2 in person friends and I don't see them too often. So I recently started joining a online aspie group and and I feel like saying "what friends?" If I make friends the chances are for me are close to zero. I hate it when people tell me I will make friends. I have more acquaintances and strangers in my life than friends.

 

[Shamar]

I'm in a new virtual group and it bothers me when my close friend tells me I will probably make friends in the group. Here's thing: I have some online friends but only 2 in person friends and I don't see them too often. So I recently started joining a online aspie group and and I feel like saying "what friends?" If I make friends the chances are for me are close to zero. I hate it when people tell me I will make friends. I have more acquaintances and strangers in my life than friends.

In the NT world, friendship seems to just come naturally. In our world, as you know, not so easy or impossible. To this day, I have never had a friend (as I understand the concept). As a child, my mother would say "Just go out and make friends." She never had any idea of the trauma that statement induced. I liken it to teaching a paraplegic to walk. Tell him "Just stand up and put one foot in front of the other." As far as I am concerned, similar level of difficulty.

 

[Rodafina]

So I recently started joining a online aspie group

What was your reason for joining the group?

If one reason was to make friends, maybe the friend you wrote about is just offering their version of support for your goals. Sometimes, it is difficult to hear people's hopes and expectations for us when they do not align with our own.

I hear you that it can be annoying to hear something like, "You'll make friends," but I try to interpret such things as "Okay, this person cares about me and wants the best for me... even if they don't really get it." Nothing more to it than someone caring about you.

 

[Suzanne]

Understandable you would feel bothered. It is like saying: you really are not considered a friend to us and so, by joining the group, you will make friends and not bother us.

Of course, I suffer from paranoia and overthinking and thus, they actually may not think that way and it is their thoughts that you will be able to expand your friendships and thus, they want wants best for you.

I have also hated it when said to me, so truly get you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Just look at what that person told you as aspirational, that they are hoping you will make friends. You can frame it as positive.

 

[Judge]

I just see such things as one conveying nebulous optimism. Not really on a personal level. With no particular understanding of an autistic person's lifetime of struggle over human interactions.

Seems like just another classic superficial NT interaction that may well puzzle us.

Something to consider shrugging off rather than being genuinely offended by.

 

[Amethystgirl]

The group wasn't my idea. It was my support worker's idea and I would like to stay in the group to learn social skills. But it's not a guarantee to make friends.

 

[Judge]

The group wasn't my idea. It was my support worker's idea and I would like to stay in the group to learn social skills. But it's not a guarantee to make friends.

Perhaps the best you can do is to keep perspective. To be vigilant in understanding that whatever "social skills" you are being taught are going to come from a perspective of Neurotypical values.

Some of which you might be able to rationalize, while others not so much. I agree, from our own neurological perspective that there is never any guarantee one will make friends.

 

[paloftoon]

If a close friend tells me that, then I know they know me and care about me.

If an acquaintance or stranger tells me that, it's a turn off because I'm asking myself why that person won't initiate asking to hang out with me. It's like the appropriate positive response to push me off and hope I figure out something on my own that doesn't bother anyone else sort of thing.

 

[Amethystgirl]

I've had very little success at making friends so I've considered not trying to look for more friends. Is that weird?

 

[Amethystgirl]

Is it odd I don't like it when people encourage me? I'm not a hopeful person in a lot of situations. I don't like it when people say you will make friends or you will probably get a job, things like that that. Things very unknown and people say stuff that isn't likely going to happen, as the expressions say pipe dream or pie in the sky. I get upset when people encourage me.

 

[Levitator]

Well, if you boil it down to well-wishing it has some validity, but it can be annoying that they phrase it in a way that would require more knowledge or confidence than they can actually possess. It's just one of many things to get accustomed to reinterpreting.

 

[marc_101]

I agree with @Levitator Perhaps it's part of the ASD response to interpret things in a more literal of rational way. But when people say that, they are not doing an analysis of the situation based on probabilities or a literal statement but rather as a way to encourage you to act. It's a difference form of communication. If you think that doing A will be pointless, then it's more likely that you won't do A. If you are hopeful that A could change something, you may do it. Wishful thinking can be helpful.

Edit: To answer your question, it's not odd. I do the same because I'd like to point out the odds and the non-literal meaning of what people say.

 

[Au Naturel]

Cheerleading works when it hits the right emotional cord. The knowledge that others believe in you can draw out that extra bit of effort. In sports, it is the reason for the home-court advantage, especially in high school.
Kind of like listening to stirring music before doing something difficult.

Generally falls flat for me. I live in my own head too much for it to work. My approach to obstacles is slow and calculated. Too much enthusiasm is distracting. Just be quiet and let me figure this out. More subtle shows of support are good. Just let me know you've got my back. (Not that it ever happens. )

 

[Rodafina]

I get upset when people encourage me.

@Amethystgirl
What would you prefer people do when you talk/write about not having friends or a job?

 

[Forest Cat]

Is it odd I don't like it when people encourage me? I'm not a hopeful person in a lot of situations. I don't like it when people say you will make friends or you will probably get a job, things like that that. Things very unknown and people say stuff that isn't likely going to happen, as the expressions say pipe dream or pie in the sky. I get upset when people encourage me.

Maybe people are just being nice but you interpret it differently/ don't think it's nice. But they are still being nice, could be worse, they could be mean and awful.