I don't have imaginary friends. But I do use my imagination. I'm in a wheelchair, and a lot of people I know live in places with stairs. Although I can climb stairs quite well, I can't ever hope to visit anyone, and it hurts so bad.
People don't often come see me. It's not their fault or mine. It's just a post-covid fact of society. I feel indescribably crippled and lonely because of it. All I have is my imagination. So, quite often, I'll hold with all my heart, onto an idyllic image of visiting. Maybe a living room scene, or back yard. It's a painful practice, but it's all I have, usually.
I do have crutches of different kinds, and can walk really well with them. But not far enough to catch the bus. So, the only way I can see my loved ones is if they come to visit me, or pick me up.
Even with my father, who was in the hospital for a long time. Unless my parents take a long drive, and come pick me up, I can't go see him in my wheelchair. My mom works every day, and they live on the second story. So, what I do to visit my dad, is I drive my power chair to their stairwell, and he can come downstairs and visit with me. I could, quite easily, go up the stairs. But I can't leave my 2000 dollar power chair just sitting on a sidewalk. And I feel so crappy having to settle for that. Especially with my father's illness.
I wish I had a manual wheelchair. Or better yet, I wish I had a car. All I'd have to do is take my crutches down to the car, and then drive wherever. The whole world would open up. I would be able to take my daughter where she needs to go, I could go to any grocery store, visit my family, it'd be wonderful.
Crying right now, thinking about how lonesome I am. I hate this so much. Even right now, I'm holding fast to images of people I love, idyllic settings. I can feel sort of a physical pain in my heart, like It's being torn apart, when I do it. But the painful reality of being away from people I love hurts so much worse.
), it's people I know and look up to.
