does age matter?

[Butterfly_Lady]

I just wanted to start a new thread. First I wanted to ask those who are in a relationship or married what the age difference was between you and your significant other. Second I wanted to know if you actually thought it mattered and what kind of impact it may or may not have on your relationship.

Recently a guy that I met years ago at a karaoke party found me on Facebook and told me that he has had a crush on me since he saw me years ago. I would say it may have been around 6-8 years ago by now that we first saw each other. We never really became friends and rarely talked to each other until this past Sunday when he told me what he did. He is 10 years older then I am. Anyway, I am wondering if I should be concerned to start a relationship with an older guy. I was already wanting to take it slow but it doesn't seem to be the way things are going and I don't want to rush into another relationship. That, in the past, has proved to end disastrously in my life.

Anyway, thanks in advance for your input.

 

[Nolan1971]

My wife was only 1 1/2yrs older than me but my uncle/aunt next door are 12yrs apart in age. Anne is 12yrs older than him and they have a great relationship.
I don't believe age is a problem as long as you are both on the same page in terms of expectations. I am 41 and would date between 35-51.
As for the pace of my relationship with my wife we dated from 15-23 before becoming serious, were engaged for 2yrs and married for 13.
If he really wants to be with you he will respect your wanting to take it slower.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Thanks Nolan1971 for your input

 

[Bay]

My partner and I are 9 years apart, and we never even think about. As far as we are concerned, we are the same age.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Kool, Thank you Bay I haven't ever thought that age would be a problem depending the personalities and the "maturity" of each person. Then again I have never dated anyone 10 years older. Also who has been married and divorced twice as well as having a kid with another lady. Kinda makes you wonder if you should still try it.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I'm older than my husband by about four and a half years.

Honestly I don't really think it matters in the slightest about age gap unless its like a girl who is 14 or 15 with a guy who is like 40 or something that is potentially illegal. In this day and age what your talking about is nothing.

In past times a woman would usually marry an older man because he usually was in a better position to support her and her children. The only concerns you may have to deal with quickly is the same as me and my husband are facing. I'm reaching thirty now and realistically we have to make hard decisions about starting a family in the next couple years so that it is safe for both me and the child. I think there is more pressure because I'm starting to hear the biological clock ticking down. So that might be a factor ... the whole family vrs age thing. Generally though if a man is older its not as much of an issue but he might also have expectations around a family as well ... like my husband wants our children out the house by the time he is 55 for instance.

That is the one major issue I can see with dating someone you have an age gap with in the long term because of biology. But as long as your both on the same page and have the same goals who cares go for it and see what can happen. I'm guessing your in the early stages so the family thing probably isn't an issue. But as time its just one of the many things that will pop up if your relationship gets serious. Not much different to any other relationship.

 

[Csutelan]

My partner and I are 9 years apart, and we never even think about. As far as we are concerned, we are the same age.

My wife and I are 5 months apart (she is older than me). The age difference is really too much to overcome.

 

[Bay]

My wife and I are 5 months apart (she is older than me). The age difference is really too much to overcome.

ah hah hah hah!

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Dragon's Tooth- Thank you for the information that you posted. Yea I already knew that it would be illegal for an adult to be dating (and being sexual) with someone underage. I already had that thought go through my head about my "biological clock" and though I still have time, I need to decide if I might want kids (because I am not sure at this time) and go from there.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Age dosn't matter

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Another thing that worries me about a potential relationship with this guy is in October was released from a 4 year sentence in prison. It wasn't anything really serious. He had a suspended license, ran from the cops, and from what I gathered he could have been drinking (DUI). He claims that he has finally come to his senses but it wasn't the first time he was in prison (neither serious as far as I can gather). The first one was a 2 year sentence.

 

[dwc780]

I'm nineteen, but closer to twenty. It's been a few years since I seriously dated a girl "my age". They've all been at least a solid year older, if not more. I think as you get older the age gap gets less important, but I could never see myself dating a girl younger then me unless she had the same mindset as me. That being said, I have the mindset of someone a good bit older then me.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Another thing that worries me about a potential relationship with this guy is in October was released from a 4 year sentence in prison. It wasn't anything really serious. He had a suspended license, ran from the cops, and from what I gathered he could have been drinking (DUI). He claims that he has finally come to his senses but it wasn't the first time he was in prison (neither serious as far as I can gather). The first one was a 2 year sentence.

My 'Mom gut' would advise against a relationship with him.

 

[Divrom]

I've always liked the French Rule.

 

[Soup]

Age can either not matter, as Undiagnosed said, or matter a great deal. The deciding factors, IMO, seem to be the contexts that inform the age difference. For instance, if the guy is 70 and the woman is 80 (assuming they're both in reasonable health & neither has dementia that diminishes their capacity) that 10 yrs means nothing. If the girl is only 18 & the guy is 28, she just finished high school or doesn't yet have a GED, lives with their single mom in a trailer somewhere BUT he has already been married & divorced, has a kid with wife #1, has the money, means of transportation in the relationship, the power differential renders this 10 year difference HUGE. She cannot stand on equal footing with this guy. He holds all the power to dictate the parameters of the relationship & he also will have tremendous control over her since she is truly a pseudo-adolescent & he is a grown experienced man.

I can see where, for the girl, he can seem like a knight in shining armour (esp if things are rough at home & he seems to have all the answers & she can 'piggy-back her identity by fantasizing about being the next Mrs.__). I always ask myself what is in it for HIM. She isn't his intellectual/social/educational/life experience equal. Why does he want such an unequal parental relationship with this girl?

Sometimes even when potential partners are the same age there are power differentials that render the situation dangerous for one or the other. A case that comes to mine (it passed into court here) was that of a really drop-dead gorgeous woman who had the brains of a gnat but predatory "I SMELL MONEY" instincts. The guy she hooked her talons into was the same age, but a lawyer from a family with some money. He was also dreadfully unattractive. Soooo...she & him enter into a common law marriage, she spends like Paris Hilton, lives like a princess, he works like a dog, she has a baby, then dumps the guy & demands more money that you can count for spousal support & child support. It apparently hadn't occurred to the guy to ask himself what this 'Hollywood Barbie' girl wanted with a guy who looked like a dressed up bullfrog. Long story short, she won child support for the kid but no big cash-in for herself.

This time, age wasn't relevant at all but another form of power differential was.

In Butterfly's description of this guy, my Aspie Mom Spidey Senses were a-tingling like Undiagnosed's 'Mom gut'. What this guy was wanted for IDS serious: DUIs kill hundreds of innocent people every year. Also, I don't get the impression that he was being forthcoming about what he was really wanted for & what he's been caught for in the past OR what other dastardly things he's done but gotten away with. Like any exterminator will tell you:

"For every cockroach you see, there are 100 you don't."

He sounds like he may be one of those 'bad boys' who is now morphing into just a garden variety crook because it's long overdue that he leave his bad boy ways to his early 20s & late teens & grow up & become a real adult. Once you're a bad boy & you're 34, playing Dukes of Hazzard & out-running the law (Hillbilly blue grass car chase music here) it's time to stop your car, stop being an @$$, face the consequences of your idiocy & rethink your behaviour!

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

thank you Undiagnosed and Soup for your motherly instincts but there is no longer a potential relationship here. This is the guy I was with that I confessed about in the "I Confess (Adulthood Discussion Version)" thread. He has found another woman to pray upon (I don't like to say it like that and I hope that doesn't happen but I don't know her and I don't really want anyone local to know about what happened between me and him anyway).

 

[Soup]

Well....that dud has gotten as lucky as he'll ever get in his life!!! You nailed him & bailed: his eyeballs are probably STILL rolling around in opposite directions.

As for what his wagging tongue might say to the locals...who cares what the heck they think anyways? Next time they all traipse to church, remind any blabberers to re-read the part about how 'the tongue of the gossiper shall be cut out' & the 'judge not that they be not judged'. I'm sure those who whisper the most are the ones living the truly off the charts weird salacious double lives, have the most to hide & so they try to shift the focus away from themselves & onto other people. After all, who gets caught regularly in the most shocking scandals? People who parade themselves as 'pillars in the community': the 'beyond reproach' sorts.

As for this guy, he can read the part about 'he who diggeth a pit shall fall therein'. He set out to take advantage of you only to find himself straggling after you in church like a stray dog-only to NOT have the ButterflyLady give him the time of day: I love it!!! He thought he'd gotten one over on you but YOU have got your head high & he's sniffing your heels.

I hope he downloads the following song: Celine Dion - Misled (Live In Memphis 1997) - YouTube

 

[smith2267]

Maybe I'm missing something....I suppose I need to read the other thread to find out how this guy changed everyone's opinion of him so fast

 

[Soup]

@ Smith: You must've missed something somewhere. Just so you don't have to rummage through 350 posts to find it all, here's the abridged version: he turned out NOT to be what he presented himself as. He tried to take advantage of a sincere & vulnerable inexperienced person but things didn't work out the way he'd planned. After he got some of what he'd wanted, he did a 'presto-changeo' &...well...DIDN'T end up causing the heart-break he'd intended all along. Our Lady of the Fritillaries showed some mettle & handled it like a pro.

 

[Pella]

My boyfriend is 54 and I am almost 34. I think the issue is mostly if you are at different stages of your life. The priorities of an older person may be different from that of a younger person