Do you think you can be genuinely interested in other people?

[epath13]

As I might have mentioned already in many different places, there's a moment in my life, when I was about 5 years old, when I decided that I was going to be interested in life and other people. The concept took its time to grow on me but it seemed very exciting. Later I realized that it wasn't that hard actually. What was hard: to be interested in people's emotions. I'm still working on it In the beginning I was interested in people's qualities and differences. I was fascinated by unusual color of their eyes, hair, skin, what they were wearing, their voice. And could easily complement them... or should I say really wanted to complement them, unfortunately I didn't know how it wasn't an easy process to learn, how Later I became fascinated by people's abilities to move, dance, walk, study, then in their hobbies, interests. I didn't have to want to do the same thing I just found it interesting that they found it interesting. I can't say, I found equally fascinating every single thing, but, what I think, I found the most fascinating is people's nonjudgmental passion about a subject. As for looks, I guess I've always appreciated lack of pretentiousness, certain quiet innocence shining through. And in childhood it was more about finding something exotic I hoped that other people would share my interest, but somehow, when I tried to see if they want to hear, what I have to say, or will be interested in me as much as I'm interested in them, I realized that this quality is quite rare not that many people genuinely interested in others unless it is something related to them.
I think it has to do with just being generally curious about many things in life, some people's curiosity sort of narrowed down to a certain subject and some people are interested in a variety of things.... I guess.
So for me it's like this, if somebody is going to talk about some sort of an experience from an action perspective I would be more interested than if a person talks about something from I felt this and that perspective I am more interested in action that reaction, unless your emotions are connected to the action, for instance if you're describing the magnificence of the mountain you've been climbing not how much struggle you've gone through while climbing weird

what about you?

 

[Mark_D]

Is this a subject that people here avoid, or what? I posted something similar, a confession of sorts. I seem to be disconnected from other people's feelings. I see NTs get upset when things happen to other people, but I just have no reaction in a similar situation.

It's not that I don't care about the person, I just don't understand their reactions.

Do you think our thoughts are similar at all? I replied here because your post seemed related to mine and even though we've both had people read them, no one is commenting on either. I'm worried that I brought up a taboo subject.

Yes, I think I get what you're saying. I think I feel like that, too. I just started being introspective about AS and I'm not comfortable about knowing certain things about myself, plus I'm worried that people here will avoid me because I sound very cold and callous.

 

[epath13]

Yes, I guess, I can relate to confusion with people's reactions but I've spent my entire life observing people behavior, so it's not that I don't or can't understand where it's coming from, sometimes I wonder why can't it be different or why can't they accept different reaction as valid.

I don't think you should worry about sounding "cold", I think a lot of people can understand how "normal" it is for AS

I actually didn't expect much of a reaction to this thread, but still I was curious I would get any response. I've been interested in exploring people's differences and in learning how to communicate since I was a toddler, so to me, it is an interest, no matter how challenging it can be sometimes, but for a lot of people of the spectrum it might seem more like a burden. I had always be wondering, why should people be interested in what I was doing if I wasn't interested in them, that's why I wanted to see if I could turn my view from being directed inwards to outwards from time to time. I made many wonderful discoveries that way.

 

[Loomis]

It is curious that these threads about aspie coolness and emotional communication deficits do not attract more attention. It is our trademark characteristic; even the name autism defines the withdrawal into self away from the world's intense intrusion.

Understanding what is going on in my psyche has proved to be immensely beneficial to my peace of my mind. Knowing why I react the way I do and understanding that my brain is wired differently provides a firm foundation for living in the world. Before my diagnosis I was a lost soul and totally confused. Now I get it. Other people do not interest me very much and I am not good at forming friendships. I am quite satisfied having acquaintances that come and go. I have no friends and the truth is that is the way I like it. I have a social life and enjoy being with people sometimes.

I was at a Memorial Day event on Sunday with three acquaintances. Two were normal females my age whose company I enjoy. The third is a male sociopath. He is someone I have come to know and it is interesting to watch him. He is superb at having all of the correct responses but he completely lacks depth. I feel sorry for him and also know he would be a dangerous person to interact with at any level other than superficially. I, on the other hand, make lots of social mistakes but I do not take advantage of people or pretend to feel something not real. My interactions with people are based on honesty and I would not trade places with the socially skilled sociopath for anything. It is quite satisfying for me to look at a room full of people in bewilderment and work on calming my anxiety. In the past I used to wonder what was wrong with me and try to figure out how to fix it. Now I accept who I am, an aspie, and do my best to live in the world with my deficits.

 

[Flinty]

It's quite difficult to - how to say this - match the depth of another. I've found it near impossible; most are in error on the shallow side, but not all.

If someone is too shallow, then their emotions matter somewhat less (whether deserved or not). If someone is too deep, they can be illegible when getting emotional - even more so than originally thought.

Somewhere there is a sweet spot where someone can be fully interesting.

 

[Athena]

I'm interested in certain people, but not in everyone. It really depends on the person and also how alike we are and/or how much they understand of me / respect me, I think. For example, I'm not very interested in what's called "the typical student", ie. someone who parties all night long, drinks too much, spends a lot of time socialising and not much time studying. This type of person is so far away from what I believe in and how I think about things, I'm generally not very interested in them, unless we share a similar hobby or something. I find it hard to talk with someone about the things I'm not interested it, such as parties and heavy drinking. I just don't see the fun. However, talking about something that I can see the fun in, even if I don't like it myself, that I can do (of course talking with most people is pretty tiring anyway, for me at least, but that wasn't the question). So, in short, I'm interested in some people but not in others.

Even with some people I know well, if they talk about certain subjects I find it hard to be genuinely interested. However I am genuinely interested in other things they talk about. The following may be biased, but I'm interested in anything my boyfriend has to say, for example. With my siblings, I'm interested in certain parts of their lives but not other parts.

 

[Aspieistj]

I think NTs are more emotional about the plight of their peers because they depend so much upon being a part of that group. They are less "me" and more "us." I do feel sorry for anyone who has something terrible happen to them. However, I don't strongly identify with many people so I don't dwell on many other people's misfortunes. I don't deliberately hurt anyone and I do abide by Judeo-Christian morals. I simply don't have much of a group identity. Since I don't have a strong interest in the things that seem very important to NTs, I don't enjoy their company. They usually seem very trite to me. No interest--no bonding. I have never been lonely in my entire life. Bored maybe, so for that reason I might choose to interact with people for a while, but I can't stand large doses of NTs' frivolity. Another thing I don't understand is why so many people who were born in the US care so much about the country their ancestors were born in. For whatever reason, those people left the "old country" and came to the US. If the "old country" is so wonderful, why not move back there???? I'm told I have ancestors from seven different European countries. Which one should I decide to identify with? They have all fought against each other at some period in history. I don't need to be part of some contrived group other than humanity. However, I am told that as an Aspie I am anti social. Ironic, isn't it?

 

[Loomis]

Another thing I don't understand is why so many people who were born in the US care so much about the country their ancestors were born in.

I grew up in an Italian neighborhood in Chicago in the 1950s. I was surrounded by vestiges of Italian culture. Across the street from my house was the Pompei bakery and within walking distance were cheese shops, pizza parlors, Italian lemonade stands, and specialty stores of every imaginable variety. Although I am only Italian on my mother's side and do not speak the language I grew up hearing Italian spoken and it became part of my identity. So, for me it is clear that although I am thoroughly American and only 1/4 Italian I feel a very real and profound connection to Italy. I take great pleasure in my childhood memories of the "old neighborhood."

 

[Minuet]

This is an interesting topic, and I definitely agree with some of the things being said.
To answer epath13's original question, I do think that "we" (referring to people with autism and Asperger's) can be interested, at least on an intellectual level, in other people's emotions and experiences. However, it is hard for us to empathize with emotions that we don't understand or that we disagree with... if that makes sense.
Society tells us that this is something we need to "fix", because our society favours extroverted people that adhere to a group mentality.

Do we lack empathy altogether? Or do we just have difficulty understanding and interpreting the emotions of others? Or, does this vary for all of us? I care deeply for my family and friends, and when I understand that they are hurting I become upset. But I often have trouble with: a) interpreting their feelings at any given moment, and; b) understanding what made them feel that way.

 

[epath13]

People on Autism spectrum do perceive socializing differently, but despite of apparent outgoing characteristics of some so-called neurotypical people, I still don't see much difference between both types of people when it comes to genuinely being interested in one another I've noticed so many people who are not on the spectrum don't listen to each other but only listen to their own thoughts... It is really not an Autism trait I'm fascinated with people because I've developed the interest (still developing) and because I try to look beyond the surface as much as my time allows me, but sometimes I wish others would want to develop similar fascination... Why not? And then I think... Why would I want to have a world that only have maple trees in it... or fur trees ... Or whatever... Of the same kind... Again, feeling like a... Well... Tree, I guess a lone pine on an edge of a cliff I'm too sick to explain myself right now so I just speak the way it comes to me

 

[Aalo]

For now I don't feel like comparing AS and nT-people. I just have a question brought up. What else is there in an individual besides their looks, how they carry themselves, what they talk about, are interested in, like to do, in what manner and with which temper. I mean, what is this depth supposed to be?

When I was younger I classified people by their willingness to take part in meaningful conversations. I wasn't interested in people that gossiped about celebrities or hardly knew difference between Hemingway and Lenin, but was really interested in those who could analyze even a bit about impacts of colonisation and environmental change have for economy and welfare of some assumed country, for example. After all, that's nothing else than being interested in topics someone is showing intelligent in, and not many people can do that to issues they're not interested in the first place. Because of that I've been thinking whether we never really care about other beings, but just their mind and phrases. Or even better, the ways we interpret those said out aloud as they felt like in some situation in particular. If it is a reasonable concept, I should at least be able to understand it, if not being able to act by it, but yet I don't.

Some might say that the whole is more than value of it's parts, but I personally can't think of what that "more" might be - other than some immaterial "awesomeness" that's just about how cool and how interestingly those differing pieces happen to come together in a certain person. But as it is nothing we can see or hold, can we have a special relationship with that part of them? It of course can be liked, but not really adored in a way that other person could tell what's it all about, it's just liking that person, there's no scale on that, I think.
I also have somewhat strong fear that people really don't understand others, but grow having likes on projections on how they see others. That might not really meet the true nature of how they really are, and can lead to really destructive situations in longer perspective.

 

[epath13]

When I meet someone, I'm curious where person's behavior comes from, what person's beliefs are and where those come from, whether I agree with a person or not. I don't always have time or energy to "dig" and some people don't like the "digging", they prefer live a life of the shell they've created. and that's fine, I can leave it alone. I've been told I can be quite aggressive and even offend people when I try to look underneath it all, but that's where social skills come in. I prefer not to offend people, because I never intend to (unless I'm attacking someone in a threatening situation, even though offence is not the best strategy but sometimes it just comes out it is probably 1/2 instinct 1/2 habit kind of thing ) that's why I try to watch my mouth and be as diplomatic as possible.
When I talk about depth, I talk about the entire person, what else is there besides what person is showing, I'm talking about person's passion for something. I usually appreciate and highly interested to hear what people who truly passionate about their jobs, hobbies etc say. I'm curious to find out where it originates, how it has developed.
But when people endlessly talk about their love for their children, spouses, ... pets... or wen they talk about their frustrations, fear, anger... sometimes it's hard for me not to think or say, ok, we've got it, why would you want to talk about something else but I know it simply because I have hard time relating to their perception of emotions, that's why to me it feels like... people sort of start talking in a different language, that I have hard time understanding but then again, I can make it interesting as well

guess this kind of "depth" I've been talking about... not an intellectual one but more ... human value, I guess... let's say if I had an ability to look at each human, only see their genetic code and to understand what it meant, I would experience similar fascination. Some might say it is cold, impersonal, but to me, it is extremely personal

I think this interest in people has helped me tremendously to become more sociable, the curiosity gave me energy to go on when I was confused and felt rejected, it still does.

as about this:

I also have somewhat strong fear that people really don't understand others, but grow having likes on projections on how they see others. That might not really meet the true nature of how they really are, and can lead to really destructive situations in longer perspective.

I guess that's why I always try to give people a benefit of a doubt (bad or good) I've met quite a few very charming and fun people, who ended up being very close-minded underneath... it's always a learning process. Now I end to ask more questions if I want to learn more about a person. Sometimes I'm fine with outer-shell though. I don't have time to figure every person out Sometimes I feel sort of... sad.. I guess, when seeing other people close-mindedness, sometimes... I see anxiety, I see possible rejection when they were younger, I see anger, fear... It's not that I want them to "break through", I can't really do anything about it, it's their responsibility... but it just gives me this feeling... I have no clue how it is connected but I think this piece from a book I've written matches the feeling pretty well, it's pretty long, not even sure if I should post it, but anyway, a dialogue about death (if anyone have patience they might want to read it )

" Arie finds himself on a freshly plowed field. The skies are grey and cloudy, you could not see anything beyond the field because of a dense fog. He sees TJ walking in a distance. Arie shouts, "TJ, wait", but the boy doesn't hear him. Arie transports himself to a spot right behind TJ and tries again, "TJ", he says. The boy turns.

"Who are you?", he asks.

Arie waits for a moment, wondering if he should mention the real name or not. Then he notices that his clothing is different: a long robe made out of thick brownish-grey untreated linen, a plain rope tied around his waist. Arie tries to touch his face and immediately notices that his hands look like human hands but plain white and transparent, and that his face does not really have any features: as if he is made out of the same fog that surrounds the field. Arie lowers his head and decides not to answer.

TJ looks at Arie and asks another question, "You are Death, aren't you?"

This gives Arie an opportunity to respond, "Yes, I am." Somehow the answer feels right to him.

"Why did you take my father?"

Instead of answering Arie decides to get on with his own plan.

"You father's death is one of the possible consequences of many programmed decisions," Aries says in one breath.

TJ sighs and responds sarcastically, "Well... that's comforting".

Suddenly, something changes. Arie's plan to learn more about the father does not seem relevant any more.

He stops and asks TJ to sit down.

"What, right here?!" TJ protests.
"Yes, right here", Arie replies putting his hand on TJ's shoulder. The boy listens.

After they both sit down, Arie says, "Tell me, what's going on".

TJ does not question the meaning of Arie's statement and responds, "I just don't understand why... why can't it be someone else? Why him, why us? We don't deserve it!"

It is hard for Arie to believe that TJ asks all those questions, but when he remembers what he has learned about human nature, he accepts the truthfulness of TJ's words.

"I can't answer you, because the answer will not mean anything to you. You will keep asking the same questions until you find someone who you think is responsible for your father's death. Then you might get angry at whoever that is. Then you will realize that your anger doesn't solve anything and will have to accept..."

Arie notices that TJ becomes slightly annoyed, the boy does believe that Arie is the Death and Arie is concerned TJ might start blaming him for everything that has happened.

Arie decides that it might help if he tries to explain, "TJ. I want you to listen to me carefully... if you can. Have you ever played chess?"

TJ scrunches his eye brows and replies, "yeah, a few times."

"OK", continues Arie, "Imagine that you are playing against the world. You and the world both have equal set of figures. In reality it doesn't really matter if you get the ones that start the game. Whether you know the rules well or not, whether you think you've calculated every single step, whether you're convinced that you're going to win... or not... you might still win or you might still loose. You are not the only one playing and you are not perfect... TJ... winning or losing, it's all the same. You can just start another game."

Arie moves closer to TJ, looks at his face trying to figure out if he understands and notices tears in his eyes.

Finally TJ says, "My father can't. He can't start a new game!"

"But you can", says Arie.

TJ gets up and shouts, "You are so cold, Death, just like you supposed to be, right! You are cruel!"

TJ starts walking away, faster and faster, he almost disappears in the fog. Then Arie screams, "Wait! Do you want to say good bye to your father?"

Arie is not sure where those words are coming from, they seem meaningless but somehow he feels this is more human than anything he has said before, no matter how true it might have seemed to him.

TJ stops and replies softly, "Yes... can you?"

Arie is not sure if he can or not. He starts wondering if it is possible to recreate the image of TJ's father in this dream but then something unexpected happens. A bright beam of light appears in the fog and a lonely figure comes out of it. It is, as you might have guessed, TJ's father.
TJ runs and gives his father a hug. Arie comes closer. He observes everything that happens, then asks, "Where did you come from?"

"TJ's father seems as confused as everybody else. "I don't know", he says, "I really don't".

Then he lets go of TJ's arms and asks, "I'm dead, ain't I. I didn't make it"

Nobody replies.

TJ's father continues, "You seem like a kind being, will you take care of my son?"

Arie is surprised to hear this and asks to make sure he understands, "A kind being?"

"Yes", the father says, "I can feel love and kindness in you... Do you mind if I spend a few minutes with my child before I need to leave. I feel I don't have a lot of time."

................. "

yeah it might be clear to some, might confuse the hell out of others