Do You Think It Might Be Because I Am A Christian, or did I cross a cultural line?

[Yeshuasdaughter]

My area has a very high population of refugees from Islamic nations.

My old neighborhood was mainly Somali, but also Iraqi, Kurdish, and Persian. I have made many close friendships with Muslim women, gone to Masjid (Mosque services) with them, and watched their children grow up. My daughter has grown up with a group of veiled girls as her very best friends.

We celebrated Eid together, and many nights of Ramadan, I would be presented with a platter of the most delicious delights from the Levant. I still hold the line that African food is ten times better than Mexican or Italian. I even had a cottage industry in my old neighborhood, sewing and altering curtains, dresses, hijabs, and burqas for my female friends.

In my new neighborhood, there are a lot of Afghani refugees living as neighbors to me. They go to the same mosque as my other friends, so I thought it'd be neat to get to know these families too.

I really love the Islamic cultural tenets of welcoming strangers, befriending neighbors, and taking care of each other's children. My Somali, Kurdish, Iraqi, and Persian friends are the bomb. I have been invited to so many henna parties for weddings and baby births, etc. I miss my old neighbors.

But the Afghani families in this new neighborhood seem much more insular and sort of frightened. Is it maybe a cultural thing, or is it me?

They smile and say hello. Especially the men more than the women. Most of the Afghani men are more than happy to carry out a conversation and are very polite. The women look away from me, as if they are afraid. Sometimes they even pull their veils up when they see me. But once I say hello, or ask about their children, they warm up. But when we do greet each other, there's a quickness to get away from the situation, that I sense with the ladies my age.

It seems like there's never been a bridge, where I could make true friends with any of the women. They are all about my age, and have children. But other than quick greetings, they turn their heads and walk away quickly. Meanwhile the men seem to stop, smile, look me in the eye and have long conversations. It's strange.

And the children, started out as curious and friendly. Most of the little girls are polite. But the boys now curse me out. Like for instance, I got flipped off this afternoon, coming into my apartments by a three year old. His tween-age babysitter chided him for it, but he was so happy to do so, and sat back and smiled about it.

It's this weird paradox. Where it's like Adult women-cold, adult men-friendly, young girls-friendly, young boys-rude. There are some exceptions, as everyone is unique.

I have a cross hung outside my front door. Do you think that's part of it? Am I seen as the 'other'? Do they think I don't like them?

Is it my westernized-style friendliness with the adult men? I mean it's all fraternal. Just, like, "Hi, how are you? How is your wife? Nice weather. Did you guys go see the fireworks?" kind of stuff.

Is there a cultural taboo that I am crossing?

I just don't get it. I'm just this mom in a wheelchair that's trying to be friends with everyone in the neighborhood. And I don't really have enemies. So I don't get it.

My other neighbors are all super chill people. Just friendly folks, regardless of background, we are friendly with each other. It's just I've noticed a pattern with my Afghani neighbors. And I don't know how it started, or what I did.

 

[Forest Cat]

You say you don't know how it started or what you did. I don't think you did anything. You're polite and friendly.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I don't have any special insight into Afghan culture, but I can see two potential reasons.

Firstly, it's possible that Afghan people really are more insular than people from other muslim cultures. Afghanistan is very mountaneous and rural, which might influence how social people are with strangers or outsiders. Muslims live all over the world, just like Christians, and I suspect culture might be influenced more by geography and landscape than it does religion (though that's a personal view).

Secondly, though I realize all the people you speak of are refugees, Afghanistan in particular has been in deep turmoil for a very long time. Though I'm sure most of the muslim people you know have experienced trauma, it might have manifested differently in afghan women. It might also be that the women have experienced deeper trauma than the men. Perhaps the women have also experienced more xenophobia if they dress noticeably more conservatively than the men or other muslim women.

I would personally doubt your religion matters too much unless you see them socialize more freely with other US citizens who are not outwardly Christian. I think it's more likely to be a general feeling of distrust, whether due to culture, experience or both. I really doubt it's personally directed towards you.

My current partner is muslim so I like to learn what I can about her culture. I also used to volunteer with immigrant teens, one of whom is Kurdish, and he is very friendly and outgoing. I think it's a shame, but if the women don't want to socialize, you can't make them. The best you can to do is be kind towards them, and maybe they will open up some day.

 

[Rodafina]

Not to simplify too much, but maybe it’s just cultural differences and you will build relationships slowly over time. The immediate bond may not be there, but a slow and steady one can always grow.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Think about how women were treated in Afghanistan. I have traveled in the muslim world, from Morocco to Indonesia and there is a great variety of freedom among women. I have seen the fanatical oppression of women in Saudi Arabia and believe things were worse in Afghanistan. Outside of the northern cities in Morocco, one rarely interacts with women as a westerner. I have not yet figured out Berber social norms.

 

[Outdated]

Is it my westernized-style friendliness with the adult men? I mean it's all fraternal. Just, like, "Hi, how are you? How is your wife? Nice weather. Did you guys go see the fireworks?" kind of stuff.

If their culture is one of very conservative Islam then they probably have quite strict protocols for interactions between men and women, this may well be why you get strange reactions. Just the simple fact that an unescorted woman would boldly talk to a strange man without proper introduction or invite.

That doesn't mean they think that you're flirting with their husbands, it's just something that they're not used to and will have trouble getting used to. I grew up with Turkish friends who told me they had a little trouble adapting to the same and it took them a long time to get used to it, even though for the first 10 in years they lived Australia they lived in a remote community with no other Turkish people around.

Eventually they learned to relax around Aussies, both men and women, but all the traditional protocols drop back in to place as soon as there is another Turkish family around.

You'll find that the girls both young and old are envious of your courage and your freedom. The older women will find it disturbing where as the younger ones won't really be able to relate to that aspect of their culture, especially seeing girls their own age talking to boys and playing sport, etc. The younger ones will want to fit in with their surrounding social groups and do the same things, to them your behaviour will appear almost rebellious. Their local inspiration.

 

[Crossbreed]

It sounds like these particular Afghanis are being two-faced toward you; that dads are friendly to your face but maintaining racist atmospheres in the privacy of their homes.

With you being Jewish and Messianic, I am surprised that any Muslims would be friendly toward you. Could it be a Sunni vs. Shi'ite thing?

 

[Judge]

But the Afghani families in this new neighborhood seem much more insular and sort of frightened. Is it maybe a cultural thing, or is it me?

Sound similar to a different time- the mid seventies. But they weren't Afghanis, but Vietnamese. Not because they wanted to be here, but because they were forced to leave their homeland and our country and people had culpability in it happening. And for many of them, it remains too fresh a memory. For every one that is grateful to be here, conversely there are those who are intensely bitter about it, apart from intense culture shock.

In essence, it may be about them, and not you personally. An issue that perhaps might melt away in time. -Or not.

A social dynamic I experienced while working long-term in an office in San Francisco. With political refugees from multiple nations from the Mideast to Southeast Asia and even Haiti. Some being more friendly than others.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Having worked with a few Afganian men, its cultural His wife would leave the room if another man was present, he expected this as the norm.at work previously there was a few debates about this with him. His wife never left the house alone. We are very multicultural up here Toronto area.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Interesting you mention the Vietnamese two of my brother's married members from this community.

 

[Tom]

Sounds cultural. You might ask your other non-afghan islamic friends about afghan cultural differences.

 

[AprilR]

I don't think you did anything wrong or it is something related to Islamic culture. Some people are just not talkative or friendly especially if the other person is from another country or culture. It does not have anything to do with Islam in particular.