Do you tell someone new you have aspergers? And when?

[AsheSkyler]

kris Like my momma always said, "forget guys, get an apartment and a cat, 'cause you can at least get rid of the cat when it gets annoying". I still want that cat.

 

[kris]

kris Like my momma always said, "forget guys, get an apartment and a cat, 'cause you can at least get rid of the cat when it gets annoying". I still want that cat.

Yup! I do actually have a big dog.. she's a great cuddler and I never get sick of her.. and when she needs to go out, it's probably time for me to leave the house, too. I would def recommend getting a pet!

 

[kris]

Well, you are probably better off without them. If they would lie and make up flimsy excuses like that, then that reveals something about their character. Count yourself lucky that they aren't in your life.

I suspect the "moving" excuse is so that you won't contact them. It does seem pretty suspicious. But I have found that there are a lot of people out there who have hidden agendas when it comes to relationships and honesty is in short supply. I don't even bother any more. I don't have time or energy to play mind games. And especially from my view from the sidelines, I have seen way, way, way, too many bad relationships. I mean bad in terms of mental and physical abuse. There are things I know, that people have confided in me, about their marriages, that you would never dream of seeing those two people in public. So I have somewhat of a jaded view. Yes, there are good relationships out there but I suspect those are not very common--and becoming less so, for many reasons.

Yeah.. I'm sure it is too. Although I'm really not the key your car kind of crazy.. I'm not sure why people think I am. I really do let go of things and people easily once it's over. No hard feelings here.

I agree on the bad relationships thing.. I've had a bad marriage and one bad LTR..and that's it other than a handful of dates that haven't gone anywhere and a few things that have lasted about a month before the "surprise, i'm moving excuse". I'm really happy with being single and had been for a whole year.. it really is rare for me to like someone. But I do want to keep trying (though not at the expense of being in a bad relationship) and I think that if I continue to be myself and be honest with others despite bad experiences that it's the best way.

This is really the first time I've tried dating through this new lens of asperger's and it's been both frustrating and confusing. I've never met anyone else who I know might be on the spectrum and I'd really like to, I think. Just for the sake of knowing what it's like to talk to someone who at least speaks the same language so to speak.

 

[photoaddict]

Good relationships are very hard to find. I've had trouble finding relationships at all because I'm so often seen as "one of the guys". It's started within my current social circle, now. I love spending time with the guys and I love being accepted, but, hello!!! I'm a girl! The last time we hung out, I ended up being the only girl in the bunch and got to listen to them talk about the lack of single girls around. They turned bright red when I pointed out they were sitting with one.

I had one *really* bad relationship that pulled me completely out of the dating pool for several years because I just couldn't face the thought of it ever possibly happening again. I avoided guys completely. I'm finally to a point where I'm happy to try again, if I can just get someone to realize I'm here. I'm much more cautious than I was before, though, because I'm well aware of what can happen and how awful it really can be.

For the record, knowing someone else on the spectrum doesn't always mean speaking the same language. My brother and I are both on the spectrum. We still seem to speak entirely different languages most of the time. The way it affects each of us is so different that we have trouble communicating sometimes. And, if we're really lucky, we trigger each other's issues. We try, though, and we love each other in spite of it all. I recently met a super sweet couple who remind me a lot of my brother and me. I would guess that at least one of them is on the spectrum, but I'm not going to say anything because I hardly know them. I'm just trying to be encouraging because I see him in the same rough spot my brother was before diagnosis, thinking he just wasn't good enough for anything.

 

[kris]

Good relationships are very hard to find. I've had trouble finding relationships at all because I'm so often seen as "one of the guys". It's started within my current social circle, now. I love spending time with the guys and I love being accepted, but, hello!!! I'm a girl! The last time we hung out, I ended up being the only girl in the bunch and got to listen to them talk about the lack of single girls around. They turned bright red when I pointed out they were sitting with one.

Haha... yeah I can relate to that for sure! I definitely do much better with the guys than with other girls..I have the opposite problem, though. They mistake my friendliness for flirting :/

 

[photoaddict]

I'm apparently incapable of flirting. Not for lack of effort, though. I think it depends on the group of guys. The ones I'm around now are part of my Bible study group. After the study is over, some of us go out to eat. The girls are less likely to do so, which leaves me as the only girl most of the time. Switching from intellectual discussion where I can kick some of their butts to a social environment probably messes with their perception of me. I know at least one has a real issue with the concept of girls being as smart as guys. When he realizes he's losing a debate, he starts with "let's just agree to disagree because we know I'm right and you won't change your mind".

 

[kris]

I'm apparently incapable of flirting. Not for lack of effort, though. I think it depends on the group of guys. The ones I'm around now are part of my Bible study group. After the study is over, some of us go out to eat. The girls are less likely to do so, which leaves me as the only girl most of the time. Switching from intellectual discussion where I can kick some of their butts to a social environment probably messes with their perception of me. I know at least one has a real issue with the concept of girls being as smart as guys. When he realizes he's losing a debate, he starts with "let's just agree to disagree because we know I'm right and you won't change your mind".

Haha.. yeah when I do try to flirt, I usually do something really stupid like walk into a wall
I dont think I could date someone who had a problem with me holding my own in an intellectual conversation.. total deal breaker for me haha. I've tried dating guys who were cute but not that smart a few times and it makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

 

[photoaddict]

I wouldn't be able to date someone who was bothered by it, either. The guy who gets upset is on my "not in a million years" list. There's one in the group that I really like, but he doesn't seem bothered at all that I can hold my own and has been known to engage me in discussions. He's quiet, but when he has something to say, he's well spoken.

I'm a little torn on intelligence. If I require that a guy be at least as smart as me, I may never find anyone. But I would die if I didn't have someone to engage in intellectual conversations with. I think I'd be ok with a guy not being as smart as me, as long as he's not bothered by it and he's not so stupid that I feel like I have to explain everything to him. My mom is pretty average, as far as intelligence. She says she often feels stupid because my dad and I are above average. At the same time, she really doesn't *act* bothered by it and she will listen and ask questions, so it's still enjoyable to talk to her about things. She's learned quite a bit from listening to my brother and I talk about our obsessions.

 

[AsheSkyler]

photoaddict It's quite possible to find a guy like that who doesn't already have a PhD in everything. (I had trouble finding the middle ground guys.) My husband swears I'm the smart one because I'm booksmart, but when it comes to the viscosity difference of 10W-30 and 10W-40 oil, first aid, wiring, soldering motherboards, and other such useful stuff, I'm bugging him constantly instead of the other way around. I still say he's smarter than me and that tests in college are rigged against those that aren't good at taking tests even though they know the subject matter.

 

[photoaddict]

I would love to find someone like that, where we're both smart, but in different ways. Then we can both be learning things from the other. It would keep life more interesting. I'm awful at tests, but I'm a writer, so I did really well in college. A lot of classes relied more heavily on writing than testing. Since I can learn the information and put it out, I'm generally perceived as being intelligent, even though I'd probably fail a test on things.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Oh goodness, me too! One reason I didn't cook at home when I lived with my parents was because I had to read the directions for Ramen noodles and Jello both. Repeatedly. Some things just aren't instinctive. Pretty much my only AS symptom they didn't accept (even though they didn't know I was autistic back then). Thankfully it was chalked up to the difference between booksmart and horse sense, and usually when somebody has one they don't have the other.

I got lucky by finding him at a computer class in college. I'm not sure if I'd ever known how to find guys otherwise that had a shared interest. I like farmboys a lot, but I confuse them too much. I guess I remind them of a hyper squirrel and they're more laid back like an old hound dog.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I'm apparently incapable of flirting. Not for lack of effort, though. I think it depends on the group of guys. The ones I'm around now are part of my Bible study group. After the study is over, some of us go out to eat. The girls are less likely to do so, which leaves me as the only girl most of the time. Switching from intellectual discussion where I can kick some of their butts to a social environment probably messes with their perception of me. I know at least one has a real issue with the concept of girls being as smart as guys. When he realizes he's losing a debate, he starts with "let's just agree to disagree because we know I'm right and you won't change your mind".

Don't know what kind of church you are in, photoaddict, and I am not trying to run down anyone's religion, but my experience has been that certain churches are not intellectually friendly, especially to women. You say that at least one of them has a real issue with the concept of girls being as smart as guys. And also that the girls are less likely to go out and eat afterwards. It sounds like these girls "know their place" and you don't, in terms of the power dynamics of how your group operates. I'm not saying that it is anything against you personally, because I'm a woman who doesn't know her place either in the sense that I think my place is anywhere I want it to be and that is not at all how some of these groups see it. If your Bible study is like the ones I have been in, that guy is not alone in his opinion and you will find that your ability to kick some of their butts intellectually will be a liability. They may tolerate it for now, but they may not tolerate it for long, and neither will the other girls. Sooner or later you may be taken aside for some "advice."

My question is, would you truly be happy in a relationship with any of these guys, knowing that at least some of them openly think as they do? My guess is that there is no one who comes to your defense when this guy who has a real issue with women's intelligence starts his BS with you. If so, that means that on some level they agree with him. You may want to do some hard thinking about what is important to you as a person and what you are and are not willing to give up. Because I think that this group is sending a message to you about what they consider acceptable behavior and attitudes for a female and it doesn't sound like you are willing to buy into it. You may have to make a choice between your Bible study group and your brains.

 

[kris]

I'm a little torn on intelligence. If I require that a guy be at least as smart as me, I may never find anyone. But I would die if I didn't have someone to engage in intellectual conversations with. I think I'd be ok with a guy not being as smart as me, as long as he's not bothered by it and he's not so stupid that I feel like I have to explain everything to him. My mom is pretty average, as far as intelligence. She says she often feels stupid because my dad and I are above average. At the same time, she really doesn't *act* bothered by it and she will listen and ask questions, so it's still enjoyable to talk to her about things. She's learned quite a bit from listening to my brother and I talk about our obsessions.

Oh there's definitely different kind of smarts.. I tend to really like the types of guys that know a little of everything because my brain doesn't work that way. I'm the "good at math tests" kind of smart... so I think a guy wouldn't have to be as "smart" as me but there has to be a lot more going on upstairs than smoking week and playing video games I guess.

Your mom sounds really cool!

 

[kris]

Oh goodness, me too! One reason I didn't cook at home when I lived with my parents was because I had to read the directions for Ramen noodles and Jello both. Repeatedly. Some things just aren't instinctive. Pretty much my only AS symptom they didn't accept (even though they didn't know I was autistic back then). Thankfully it was chalked up to the difference between booksmart and horse sense, and usually when somebody has one they don't have the other.

I'm 32 and *still* read the instructions on ramen noodles :/

 

[photoaddict]

Oh goodness, me too! One reason I didn't cook at home when I lived with my parents was because I had to read the directions for Ramen noodles and Jello both. Repeatedly. Some things just aren't instinctive. Pretty much my only AS symptom they didn't accept (even though they didn't know I was autistic back then). Thankfully it was chalked up to the difference between booksmart and horse sense, and usually when somebody has one they don't have the other.

I have to read the instructions for things like that, but do great with things that are "a bit of this and a bit of that" because I know how it should look/taste.

Don't know what kind of church you are in, photoaddict, and I am not trying to run down anyone's religion, but my experience has been that certain churches are not intellectually friendly, especially to women. You say that at least one of them has a real issue with the concept of girls being as smart as guys. And also that the girls are less likely to go out and eat afterwards. It sounds like these girls "know their place" and you don't, in terms of the power dynamics of how your group operates. I'm not saying that it is anything against you personally, because I'm a woman who doesn't know her place either in the sense that I think my place is anywhere I want it to be and that is not at all how some of these groups see it. If your Bible study is like the ones I have been in, that guy is not alone in his opinion and you will find that your ability to kick some of their butts intellectually will be a liability. They may tolerate it for now, but they may not tolerate it for long, and neither will the other girls. Sooner or later you may be taken aside for some "advice."

My question is, would you truly be happy in a relationship with any of these guys, knowing that at least some of them openly think as they do? My guess is that there is no one who comes to your defense when this guy who has a real issue with women's intelligence starts his BS with you. If so, that means that on some level they agree with him. You may want to do some hard thinking about what is important to you as a person and what you are and are not willing to give up. Because I think that this group is sending a message to you about what they consider acceptable behavior and attitudes for a female and it doesn't sound like you are willing to buy into it. You may have to make a choice between your Bible study group and your brains.

There are good people and bad people in every church. What matters in choosing a church is what the leadership believes and what the majority of members believe. If the majority is good, you ignore the bad ones. The guy who's a bit of a jerk is the only one I've met like that. As surprising as it may seem, the other guys actually do back me, more often than not. They're not stupid and know when he's being a pain. I've made really good friends there, which is really hard for me, so I'm not going to give them all up over one guy who many see as immature and stupid. Amazing as it may seem, it's not possible for me to tell you all I've experienced completely enough for you to determine whether it's a healthy group for me or not. I'm smart enough to look and find groups where I am comfortable and happy. And, trust me, I've turned down a *lot* of groups of people because they were not for me.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Well, then it sounds like you are in a fairly good church and that you are comfortable there. You are right, there are good and bad people in every church. But my experience has been that women need to ask questions and keep their eyes open because there are some churches that do not value female intelligence and leadership ability even though they may say they do. I have had the experience in more than one church of being taken aside for "advice" which generally boils down to I need to stay in the background more and hide my intelligence. That I should stay with the other women and not mingle with the men. If you've ever seen "Stepford Wives" (the one with Bette Midler and Glenn Close) you will know what I mean,

 

[photoaddict]

I've certainly been to churches where I'm not valued. I moved and have to drive quite a distance to this one, so I'm only able to go for my Bible study group. I've been attending a local church since moving, but I don't think I'm going to stick around. I don't feel welcome there at all. I'm too loud, too awkward, to ME to belong. I spent most of my life in that place and I don't want to go back. I'd rather drive almost an hour to church than go through that again. It is *really* hard to find a church that values women who aren't quiet, passive and submissive. The one I found is the only one within 3 hours in any direction of its denomination. The other nearby churches are all denominations with reputations for seeing women as less than men, so I don't have much hope for them.

 

[epath13]

I started telling everyone after being diagnosed. Finally I could put the name on it! Now I only tell people if I think we are going to communicate for a long time. It's easy for me, I have 2 kids, both are on the spectrum, so I just talk about them and then add myself. Like... "we have 3 people on the spectrum in the family..." etc

 

[Warmheart]

How are you feeling, Kris? I hope the dog is enjoying some nice cuddles with you, and that you are doing some great self-care stuff like hot baths or indulging in your favorite special interests. I am sending you good thoughts for today.

 

[Jambo_nick]

I'd highly recommend getting to know someone well first as the general knowledge of AS among NT's is pretty dreadful. Some NTs may also use this against you also. If you wait, they'll base their opinion on what they know of you rather than what they think of AS. Same goes for relationships especially because if they don't know you well they'll assume the worst and may put some off. I also find if people don't know, I don't think about it and as a result don't feel the pressure of it. For me personally, most people don't have to know with my employer as an exception.