Do you tell someone new you have aspergers? And when?

[kris]

Hi! I'm new here.. some of this might belong in the introduction thread, but I'm self diagnosed about 6 months ago and have been trying to start dating again.

Mostly, it's been horrible first dates that haven't led to anything, but about 3 weeks ago, I met someone on OKCupid and things have been going really well as far as I can tell.. He's picked up on a lot of my quirks and has been really sensitive to making sure I'm comfortable despite the fact that he's very obviously NT.. he just thinks I'm "cute" at this point. This is the first time I've really met someone since learning about Asperger's and it's pretty evident looking back how much it's affected my past relationships. I'm really worried about screwing this one up, too. At what point do you tell someone new about it? And how do you start that awkward conversation? :/

 

[AsheSkyler]

Good question. I'd already tied the knot when I found my self-diagnosis. I told my husband pretty quick because I was excited over some explanations. If I'd been dating, I'd probably have kept it to myself until we were both in the intimate conversation when we both start discussing what the heck all is wrong with us. I reckon my advice would be if your fella friend starts telling about his mental aches and pains, odds and ends, it wouldn't hurt to contribute yours.

 

[Cali Cat]

Yeah, I agree with AsheSkyler's advice. You want to know he's in the mood to "go there," and that it's not gonna be TMI for the stage of your relationship.

 

[Peace]

It makes no difference that you have it, only that he loves and accepts you for who you are. I would clarify things for him either when it begins to look serious, or when your instincts tell you the time is right. If this thing was meant to be, he will be there through anything.
Best of luck

 

[StephF]

Only if I trust them and there is a clear need to know

 

[Spinning Compass]

Three weeks is not much time to know someone, and especially if you've never met them in person. It is so much easier to hide things online than it is in real life. You don't really know this person yet and he doesn't know you.

I would wait until you really got to know this person a whole lot better, If, at the end of six months or so, you are still "together", then maybe I would say something. I don't know how comfortable you feel about others knowing you have Aspergers, but you could be taking a big chance that he might see this as something he can use against you.

I made the mistake of telling someone I worked with who I thought was my friend about my self-diagnosed Aspergers and my past history. She seemed to be understanding and sympathetic. But then things changed between us and I still don't know why. All of a sudden she is treating me like a three-year-old and she is my mother and little by little has worked herself into a place where she is acting as my supervisor and micromanaging me--and our supervisor does not seem to see what is happening. If I have a question I am not "allowed" to email the person directly, but must go through her. If I do it anyway, she jumps in (it's a shared mailbox) and tells me that I shouldn't be bothering that person with this question. I've been doing my job long before she came on the scene, and I resent having someone looking over my shoulder. It's like a chess game and a power struggle.

I realize you are talking about a relationship and not a work situation but the same principle applies. To tell him now, without knowing anything about his real character, is going to open you up. From this point on, anything that goes wrong between you, will be due to YOUR Aspergers. He may start treating you like you are not a competent person. On the other hand, if you do tell him now, and this does start happening, hopefully you will be able to recognize what this reveals about him, and find a way to get out of the situation.

 

[Judge]

For now I'd say let him get to know you as you are, rather than tag it with a label he may or may not understand.

If he likes who you are, the label coming later may not matter. Explaining you have ASD can be daunting...and very unpredictable.

 

[kris]

Thanks so much for all of the feedback! I haven't told any of my current friends about it.. mostly because they're either not close enough to need to know or have known me for years and it doesn't matter (all 2 of those). And I'm self employed so don't have coworkers anymore (thank god!) And also, I feel really weird telling people without an official diagnosis. Like it's an excuse or something or I'm looking for attention, and it's not.

But in this case.. I'm really struggling because I feel like I'm hiding something and worried he's going to think I'm hiding something else.. especially because of my difficulty with eye contact (I've had issues with this in the past with family members thinking I'm lying when I'm not). It's been such a struggle the past 6 months trying to decide if I should pursue an official diagnosis or not.. and struggling with how it's been missed my entire life but makes so much sense now. I was good at school and quiet (mute is more like it, but teachers just thought it was shyness)... and at home I was left alone alot and spent a lot of time with farm animals so maybe not that odd that it was missed. Or my parents knew and just never told me.. I still haven't asked them about it because we're pretty estranged at this point.

Anyways, enter new guy. I'll clarify that, despite how we met, it's not an internet relationship. We might right away after exchanging only a few messages and set up a date at a local museum (major bonus points!). Texted a ton before that day rolled around, had a great time and have been fairly inseparable since. Which isn't at all normal for me. I feel like he's been around someone like me before because he's picked up on so much. He asks first before trying to hold my hand, asks me if the music is too loud in a restaurant. Says he likes my directness and that I don't wear perfume or too much makeup and that I'm not like other girls. He delves into an explanation of his jokes when I either don't laugh or take him literally.. and when he introduced me to his running group (we're both runners) he gave me some suggestions for conversations.. I've never had anyone do that before and it was really nice knowing ahead of time who might want to see pictures of my dog. And one time he said he loved that he could see how happy I was to see him by the way my leg was bouncing around (I don't think I've ever been called out on my stimming like that before by anyone other than an irritated parent).

But all at the same time, it's only been 3 weeks and I *know* I'm not good at starting relationships. And I don't know if an explanation would make it easier or not. We're getting to that point where the "cuteness" tends to wear off.

 

[Judge]

But in this case.. I'm really struggling because I feel like I'm hiding something and worried he's going to think I'm hiding something else.. especially because of my difficulty with eye contact (I've had issues with this in the past with family members thinking I'm lying when I'm not). It's been such a struggle the past 6 months trying to decide if I should pursue an official diagnosis or not.. and struggling with how it's been missed my entire life but makes so much sense now.

I was never aware of my autism with my relationships with NTs. If I were in such a situation, I would probably bring up the issue of autism in a "third-person" manner, just to safely see what their feedback might be.

Say...to discuss autism in a nebulous way as if you were commenting about some other person...like Aspie/actress Daryl Hannah. Don't be surprised or disappointed if he knows absolutely nothing of such issues. However it might give you some insight into his compassion, which might also be a partial indicator for how he might take learning of your own autism.

I can only say that even in telling my closest relatives and friend, I had wildly diverse results, conditioning me to very careful about discussing such things.

 

[Cecile]

I feel like he's been around someone like me before because he's picked up on so much. He asks first before trying to hold my hand, asks me if the music is too loud in a restaurant. Says he likes my directness and that I don't wear perfume or too much makeup and that I'm not like other girls. He delves into an explanation of his jokes when I either don't laugh or take him literally.. and when he introduced me to his running group (we're both runners) he gave me some suggestions for conversations.. I've never had anyone do that before and it was really nice knowing ahead of time who might want to see pictures of my dog. And one time he said he loved that he could see how happy I was to see him by the way my leg was bouncing around (I don't think I've ever been called out on my stimming like that before by anyone other than an irritated parent).
But all at the same time, it's only been 3 weeks and I *know* I'm not good at starting relationships. And I don't know if an explanation would make it easier or not. We're getting to that point where the "cuteness" tends to wear off.

I am an NT women who dated an aspie man (who did not tell me). From what you are saying, the guy does seem like he has been around people on the spectrum, or has read/educated himself about it. It also looks like he is doing his best to ensure you are comfortable and OK in various situations. I think that some NTs have a personality /values/tastes that make them particularly understanding and appreciative of /compatible with aspies. I think I fit that description, yet I am certain that it would have been really helpful if my ex had told me, maybe after a month or so? Because I didn't know, there are things that I wrongly interpreted as "against me", and it led to misunderstandings that were frustrating for both of us. Example: some silences seemed like he wasn't being sincere / was avoiding -- in reality, he was unable to talk at that point. Communication can be challenging even in AS/AS or NT/NT relationships, yet it is the key... and I felt at times like I was with someone who wouldn't tell me what language he spoke.

 

[kris]

I was never aware of my autism with my relationships with NTs. If I were in such a situation, I would probably bring up the issue of autism in a "third-person" manner, just to safely see what their feedback might be.

Say...to discuss autism in a nebulous way as if you were commenting about some other person...like Aspie/actress Daryl Hannah. Don't be surprised or disappointed if he knows absolutely nothing of such issues. However it might give you some insight into his compassion, which might also be a partial indicator for how he might take learning of your own autism.

I can only say that even in telling my closest relatives and friend, I had wildly diverse results, conditioning me to very careful about discussing such things.

Ah... were you not aware because you hadn't been diagnosed yet? I haven't been aware of it before either because not only did I not know about it, I was also totally unaware how much I miss. If this guy didn't stop and explain a joke, I wouldn't even know he'd made one. It's been a really interesting experience in light of everything I've read recently.

I really like that 3rd person idea.. he's always asking me about obscure documentaries if I've seen them so I could easily ask if he's seen Temple Grandin or something like that.. not that my life is anything like hers but it would be a way to see if he knows anything about it. And just leave it at that for awhile. Honestly, though, his dad was a NASA engineer and I'm half expecting him to have at least a little oddness in his family.

 

[kris]

I am an NT women who dated an aspie man (who did not tell me). From what you are saying, the guy does seem like he has been around people on the spectrum, or has read/educated himself about it. It also looks like he is doing his best to ensure you are comfortable and OK in various situations. I think that some NTs have a personality /values/tastes that make them particularly understanding and appreciative of /compatible with aspies. I think I fit that description, yet I am certain that it would have been really helpful if my ex had told me, maybe after a month or so? Because I didn't know, there are things that I wrongly interpreted as "against me", and it led to misunderstandings that were frustrating for both of us. Example: some silences seemed like he wasn't being sincere / was avoiding -- in reality, he was unable to talk at that point. Communication can be challenging even in AS/AS or NT/NT relationships, yet it is the key... and I felt at times like I was with someone who wouldn't tell me what language he spoke.

Thank you so much for this perspective! This is exactly it.. we've already had a few misunderstandings that have led to me being mute and staring at the floor because I didn't have an answer ready for a question. And a few other things that have been a little awkward like when I stare at him a little too long and he calls me out on it. I know that I'm not *quite* ready to tell him but I feel like a few more weeks and he might start thinking something's wrong with him. And maybe telling him earlier than say 6 months in would be a huge benefit, communication-wise. And also, if he's not ok with it, I'd rather he opt out now rather than 6 months in...or if he starts treating me like I'm a kid then I know it's time for me to get out of it as well..and it's a lot easier to end things before getting too attached. We don't have any common friends so it's not like he'd have anyone to tell that would affect me.

 

[Judge]

I really like that 3rd person idea.. he's always asking me about obscure documentaries if I've seen them so I could easily ask if he's seen Temple Grandin or something like that.. not that my life is anything like hers but it would be a way to see if he knows anything about it. And just leave it at that for awhile. Honestly, though, his dad was a NASA engineer and I'm half expecting him to have at least a little oddness in his family.

Temple Grandin....that's even better! Go for it.

 

[Balkan1996]

I usually start of by saying I have ADHD since I have a tattoo on my arm. When I tell that to people who don't know me well, they immediately consider me as a retard. If I told them about everything, they would probably think I'm a psycho-cannibal-killer...

I prefer to keep those things to myself until I get to know people a bit. Sometimes it's several days, a week or a month. It depends.

You shouldn't keep that away from your potential soul mate. He will understand.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Thanks so much for all of the feedback! I haven't told any of my current friends about it.. mostly because they're either not close enough to need to know or have known me for years and it doesn't matter (all 2 of those). And I'm self employed so don't have coworkers anymore (thank god!) And also, I feel really weird telling people without an official diagnosis. Like it's an excuse or something or I'm looking for attention, and it's not.

But in this case.. I'm really struggling because I feel like I'm hiding something and worried he's going to think I'm hiding something else.. especially because of my difficulty with eye contact (I've had issues with this in the past with family members thinking I'm lying when I'm not). It's been such a struggle the past 6 months trying to decide if I should pursue an official diagnosis or not.. and struggling with how it's been missed my entire life but makes so much sense now. I was good at school and quiet (mute is more like it, but teachers just thought it was shyness)... and at home I was left alone alot and spent a lot of time with farm animals so maybe not that odd that it was missed. Or my parents knew and just never told me.. I still haven't asked them about it because we're pretty estranged at this point.

Anyways, enter new guy. I'll clarify that, despite how we met, it's not an internet relationship. We might right away after exchanging only a few messages and set up a date at a local museum (major bonus points!). Texted a ton before that day rolled around, had a great time and have been fairly inseparable since. Which isn't at all normal for me. I feel like he's been around someone like me before because he's picked up on so much. He asks first before trying to hold my hand, asks me if the music is too loud in a restaurant. Says he likes my directness and that I don't wear perfume or too much makeup and that I'm not like other girls. He delves into an explanation of his jokes when I either don't laugh or take him literally.. and when he introduced me to his running group (we're both runners) he gave me some suggestions for conversations.. I've never had anyone do that before and it was really nice knowing ahead of time who might want to see pictures of my dog. And one time he said he loved that he could see how happy I was to see him by the way my leg was bouncing around (I don't think I've ever been called out on my stimming like that before by anyone other than an irritated parent).

But all at the same time, it's only been 3 weeks and I *know* I'm not good at starting relationships. And I don't know if an explanation would make it easier or not. We're getting to that point where the "cuteness" tends to wear off.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I'd still hold off on telling him until you have known each other at least six months. A lot can happen in this time.

I've seen guys who seem considerate and caring in the initial stages of a relationship change once the relationship progresses further. As people on the spectrum we need to be aware there are people who deliberately seek out people like us because we can be taken advantage of and controlled. They are looking for people who give off certain "vibes".

You say that it sounds like this guy has been around people on the spectrum because he seems to instinctively know how to act around you without asking. This can be a two-edged sword. He may indeed be the real thing, a genuinely caring, considerate guy who is sensitive to others and aware of differences. Or--he may be a manipulator. I'd be asking myself where and how he learned this apparent sensitivity and knowledge of spectrum issues. You may be the latest in a line of targets.

Keep your eyes and ears open. I know that it is hard for some of us to pick up on subtexts and non-verbal cues. What is his reputation among his friends? What is his reputation among YOUR friends? Sometimes friends can see things others can't.

I hope indeed that he does turn out to be as good as he sounds.

 

[kris]

And that all is now a completely moot point.. he just called to say he's going to reapply to the FBI and moving out of town. Truth or elaborate ruse to break up with me? I'll never really know. I get the "I'm moving away" excuse more often than is probably normal.

I can't say that I'm terribly upset, but I kind of want to bang my head against the wall out of total frustration. Why are people so hard to understand?

Thank goodness for the dog to cuddle.

 

[photoaddict]

You didn't know him long. I doubt it was long enough for him to think there's anything "bad" about you. I don't tell people much, until it's necessary or I'm very close to them. I have family who don't know. For me, sharing that information is on a need to know basis, so I wouldn't have mentioned it yet. If, and this is a big if, he's lying to get away from you, that means he wasn't good enough for you, anyway. If he can't handle 3 weeks with you, he can't handle much at all. I can appear "typical" for 3 weeks. A guy wouldn't even know how different I was yet.

 

[kris]

You didn't know him long. I doubt it was long enough for him to think there's anything "bad" about you. I don't tell people much, until it's necessary or I'm very close to them. I have family who don't know. For me, sharing that information is on a need to know basis, so I wouldn't have mentioned it yet. If, and this is a big if, he's lying to get away from you, that means he wasn't good enough for you, anyway. If he can't handle 3 weeks with you, he can't handle much at all. I can appear "typical" for 3 weeks. A guy wouldn't even know how different I was yet.

Oh I completely agree That said.. it's pretty silly how many people have broken up with me by saying they are moving. Sometimes, it just makes me wonder lol.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Well, you are probably better off without them. If they would lie and make up flimsy excuses like that, then that reveals something about their character. Count yourself lucky that they aren't in your life.

I suspect the "moving" excuse is so that you won't contact them. It does seem pretty suspicious. But I have found that there are a lot of people out there who have hidden agendas when it comes to relationships and honesty is in short supply. I don't even bother any more. I don't have time or energy to play mind games. And especially from my view from the sidelines, I have seen way, way, way, too many bad relationships. I mean bad in terms of mental and physical abuse. There are things I know, that people have confided in me, about their marriages, that you would never dream of seeing those two people in public. So I have somewhat of a jaded view. Yes, there are good relationships out there but I suspect those are not very common--and becoming less so, for many reasons.