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Do you ever worry people will think you're hitting on them when you're not?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by scarletnymph, Jun 11, 2021.

  1. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    I don't get that line, but l have dealt with a man that wouldn't not stop following me for 4 years in another state. It really frighten me after year two, and l was alot older too. Dealt with very pushy men at my last position because we dressed in form fitting clothes.

    Maybe being on the spectrum, we attract others that identify with something in our personality and then it's a game changer.l have had this with several woman at different stages of my life where they start becoming a tab obtrusive and fixated on me.
     
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  2. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    What is wrong with people like that? Or, how does any man feel comfortable saying anything like that to a stranger? Am I from another planet?

    I cannot think of any woman doing anything as creepy to a man. The only thing for me was when a woman propositioned me. At that time I was so ashamed of my inexperience that I could never assent, I was that scared and wanted to get away.
     
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  3. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    That is sad to me, that at least half the people I meet/interact with, are taught, through experience, to stifle who they are lest a graceful ease is taken for more than it is.
     
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  4. _eri_bellehumeur

    _eri_bellehumeur Active Member

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    Yes, i have dealt with this since childhood. If I was nice to a guy there would be a peanut gallery of weird adults and other children making comments (even though my only crushes at that age were girls). I thought people would grow up but nope, the weird teasing/insinuating for the most basic interactions continued to follow me throughout adulthood and as a result I'm pretty distant from most people to avoid the awkward situations of having people think I'm interested in them.
    If he brings it up, I think it's an easy situation to correct- if you feel comfortable explaining an overview of the kind of BS you've been going through with others, i'm sure he's understand why you were so thankful for his help and friendship.
     
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  5. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    There's really nothing a woman can do as far as how a male may misinterpret their words or have an inflated ego to assume that every conversation initiated by them is sexual in nature.

    It's their problem- not yours. One often exacerbated by attractive women in general.

    Then again I'm reminded of a coworker who used to come to work with the ugliest and angriest look on her face. She laughed about it, and explained to us that if she didn't, she'd get endlessly hit on by guys on the way to work. And yes, she was quite attractive. In this context I suppose there is something you can do, but to adopt such strategies may alter that bubbly personality the OP spoke of.
     
  6. Trophonius

    Trophonius Well-Known Member

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    No, because I don't. And I ignore with when people do.

    It depends of the age of the guy. A younger man (late teens, early twenties) will likely see it as a sexual intent, but this is because young women are hardly straightforward in these matters. An older man (late twenties and older) will not think more than what was explicitly said.

    Most be noted that this can vary a lot from culture to culture. May be different in the US or wherever you're from.
     
  7. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    'Graceful ease'...I get asked 'why are you so free'? but I don't know why they see that.
     
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  8. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    Were you being what I call "confidently expressive"? I see that as being free to be themself. . . . . . and it is undoubtedly nice to be with such a person.
     
  9. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    @Gerald Wilgus

    Probably. er...I fall into 'entertainer' category too often, cos I had to earlier in life.

    I forget it's a world soaked in violent pron. me being stoopid again.

    Must remember to be boring.
     
  10. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Yes, and it affects how friendly I am.
     
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  11. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    A while back there was a widely publicized story about grocery store clerks being angry at being required to smile at customers. It was an actual work rule and supervision watched them for it. Turns out the male customers read this as a come-on by the mostly female employees.
     
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  12. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm a bit like this, (without the head covering, although I consider the hijab sometimes) too oblivious, too lacking in fear, but my mother destroyed my life a long time ago.

    I don't dress like this now, it's pants and a shirt, baggy. but I did when I was young.

    This is someone from before 'autism/aspergers' was a diagnosis. as I was, most of my life.
     
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  13. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    No. I'm quite succinct in my communication style.

    I have the opposite problem. Men don't seem to know I am interested.
     
  14. ForestGumpett

    ForestGumpett Well-Known Member

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    I had lots of male friends growing up because I liked to do the things they did. Power tools, guns, baseball were all a part of my life. Yeah the men flirted because there were men all around me but we had fun and I flirted back. No biggie if nobody is in a relationship - I would not and never flirted with a taken man, be he married or have a girlfriend cause that is just mean. If it ever got to where they were serious I’d tell them the truth; you’ll have me around a lot longer as a friend as opposed to a boyfriend. This worked well as some of these men and I are still good friends after over 30 years.
     
  15. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

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    I know I've had people believe I'm flirting with them, when I feel like I'm just being friendly. When my boyfriend still owned a bar I got a reputation, because people felt I was flirting with patrons in front of my boyfriend and this was frowned upon. No, I was just being friendly and interested. But oh well. Most people just call me friendly and approachable and I'm fine with that.

    I haven't been accused of flirting in a while. Maybe it's because I haven't been in bars - or any social gatherings - for over a year, or maybe it's because my coworkers appreciate that I'm too much of a professional to flirt with people on the job. Or, alternatively, the rumors just haven't reached me yet :p
     
  16. RenameMePlease

    RenameMePlease Drinking Coffee

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    Sometimes. I've talked to some woman that I don't know too well (classmates, coworkers, whatever), but know well enough to say hi to them in passing. Sometimes they'll mention their boyfriend in the conversation like some subtle hint that they're not interested in dating. The funny thing is, I'm not interested in dating them, I'm just looking to talk and get to know them better. You can't make friends unless you try and put yourself out there, so that's what I sometimes do. :)
     
  17. VernalSole1355

    VernalSole1355 Active Member

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    Yes, I do worry about this, but I don't necessarily let it stop me from having a conversation with those people. For me, I'm going to tell you as it is. In simpler terms, if I like you, as a friend, potential partner, or otherwise, I'm going to tell you and not beat around the bush. Same for if I dislike you, I'll tell it to you and why. A lot of times, the issues I have with people are misunderstandings, usually from a lack of time with them. I will address it to them directly and we will usually get it sorted out. If they don't and decide to worsen the situation, then I separate from them.

    In conclusion, a good way to combat this is to tell people your feelings for them, positive or negative, as plainly as possible directly & VERBALLY to the source of those feelings. Don't use a messenger, don't do it over the phone, and ESPECIALLY don't text it.
     
  18. GBWest

    GBWest Active Member

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    Not at all. Because I don't flirt with any one. I also almost never compliment any one. And I never reveal my feelings.

    The real problem is the opposite direction.
     
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  19. dylan_gnome

    dylan_gnome Cat and Guinea Pig mom

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    I didn’t used to, until some friends in school started teasing me because I was “totally flirting with (our friend)!! do you like him???” which resulted in extreme confusion on my part because I thought I was just being friendly. This happened multiple times and to this day I do not know how to flirt or if I am flirting, either on purpose or by accident, and it is incredibly frustrating.
     
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  20. scarletnymph

    scarletnymph Active Member

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    Thank you everyone for all these wonderful responses. I really appreciate you guys taking the time and it is nice to know that other people struggle with these things too.

    I did find it interesting that most people focused on the idea that my concern was that if he thought I was flirting with him that he'd try to pursue me romantically - which isn't the case. I was actually more concerned he'd be offended and things would get uncomfortable between us. However, that wasn't really relevant to the question, as I think the same problem applies either way.

    I have the double problem of being pansexual and so I have to worry about how both men and women take what I say or do.

    I often not only worry about the times that I gush about some emotion to someone but also other times ... telling someone if I like their outfit ... or if I am to overly polite to someone a store ... or if I get caught staring at someone who has something visually interesting about them ... or lots of other social interactions that I 'overthink'..

    It sounds strange now that I write it down ... but despite receiving lots of unwanted romantic attention in my life and even being 'taken advantage of' multiple times ... I tend to worry more about offending people than people deciding to pursue me as a result of a smile or complimenting their shirt.

    I'm not really sure why that is. You'd think I'd be more worried about unwanted attention. It could be that I have a fairly low self esteem and generally expect people to not be interested in me romantically.

    It might also be that it often feels like people who are going to give me unwanted attention are a little more random and out of my control. Many times their logic seems to defy ... well logic. Taking me to the store to get groceries is not a date, simply hanging out together instead of with the rest of our friends is not a date, saying hi to someone at a bar after they say hi to me is not an invitation, etc. Its like they decide they are interested in me and are using what I did as an excuse to justify their behavior or make me feel responsible so I'm easier to manipulate.

    Although, I also can almost never tell when someone is interested in me unless they are overt ... so I guess its possible "unwanted attention" misunderstandings occur because they have been flirting with me and think I know their feelings ... so asking them to take me to the store is seen as me asking them because they like me ... not because their my friend and they have a car. Like if you are asking someone that you know likes you to do something normal it instantly becomes a romantic activity. I guess I can see that. Hmmm ... that still seems like its not something remotely predictable or directly related to my actions. Rather it seems more related to their assumption I know something I don't.
     
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