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Do people with asperger's have a tendency to hate their ex-partners after break up?

R

rachelsp

Active Member
Do people with asperger's have a tendency to hate their ex-partners after break up?
If so, could this be due to their black and white thinking? You're either my girlfriend(love) or foe(hate)?

Hello all,

I am an NT and am deeply hurt and confused by my ex-boyfriend with asperger's.
(FYI, English is not my first language, so please bear with me if there's any spelling or grammar mistakes.)

It's a long story, but I will try to keep it short.

We broke up because he cheated on me.
I had been disappointed at him for quite some time and this incident drove me nuts.
So I broke up with him in a fit of anger.
I thought I was prepared for this break up, but I was in so much pain when I finally left him.
I left him on impulse. There were regrets on my side too.
So the next day, I sent him a long msg saying what I appreciated for and what I wanted to apologize for. In the msg, I blamed myself for his lost interests in me and his affair.
Although his affair was the major cause of our break up, I covered for him in the end.
I thought I left him with a goodwill.

However, when we met up again two months after our breakup,
he became such a different person. He became so cold-hearted and callous.
(When we were together, he occasionally hurt me with his blunt words, but he could never expressed his anger towards me.)
I asked him why and he was like "We broke up, should there be more love (than hatred)?"

Once again, I thought I left him with a goodwill.
Also, when we were together, I cared for him very much and he know this too.
I don't understand this. OK. He doesn't have to love me but there's no reason for him to hate me either.

Although not often, I still talk to some of my exes.
Of course, they are not as affectionate and friendly as the times they were my boyfriends, but still they sound kind enough.

I hope someone could answer my question.
It'd help me understand my ex and help me heal the wounds and forgive him.

Thank you for taking your time to read this thread.
 
It really depends on the individual; NT or ND; the nature of the relationship, and why they broke up.

Personally my take is - if you break up with someone, it's usually for a good reason, so I've never really understood the "I don't want to be around you but still want to be friends " deal- unless the relationship was for "convenience" if you know what I mean. Even then you have to have both parties in agreement or it goes awfully wrong.
 
I think it has a lot to do with the reasons and fallout of the breakup. Sometimes people split because they recognise they have differences that would prevent a long term commitment, but still also like each other for all the reasons they connected in the first place. I think it's possible to be friends in those circumstances, but in saying that there usually needs to be a period of no contact to let emotions settle down.
Women are usually better at being friends than men though and a lot of guys move on very quickly. Unfortunately many see no benefit in being friends unless there's a sexual component. I have been hurt many times by the apparent ability of someone to declare undying love one minute and within a couple of weeks be totally indifferent and have someone new.
It seems to be one of the fundamental differences between men and women in my experience.
 
Everyone is different. I am so loyal I will stay in stuff I hate simply because of the promise I made. I have this thing about breaking a promise. Once I see the promise was broken from the other side... Its not as hard to make logic of letting go... (yet that took 20 years to convince me).

I try not to ever "hate"... but its really hard at times. However once someone has discarded me... I have nothing left for them. It just becomes a blank space that mostly nothing can fill... So no I don't hate as much as that person just no longer exists IF I can get past the hurt and the words they crushed me with. I can but it takes a really long time.

I don't understand "breaking up" and being friends... It sounds like a good concept but I don't see much logic in it. A word dagger has already torn this apart... So now we sow it back up and be "friends" ???

Maybe, but overtime, but probably not. I just move on, and try to learn from it... BUT all this sticks in my head and makes for nice stumbling blocks for me to trip over.

So (once in a "relationship") the expectations get so high that people start demanding all this stuff... One usually does all the work while another feeds from it... I see no point in being friends so someone can continue to use me and take from me, which is what happened in my situation.

There is usually always a giver and a taker... If your the giver, (which I am) I have learned I am about to get taken for a ride that may be fun at first, but in the end I will not enjoy at any level.

NT's perceive things so differently and so fast... I cant compete and thats what a relationship with an NT often turns into. Not fun for a guy like me. So in the future... Thank you but no thank you. : )
 
I don’t hate any of my exes, because none of them have given me reason to hate them. Could I hate an ex? Possibly, but it doesn’t come standard with my ASD.

I very much dislike one of them though, because he turned into a psycho stalker after I broke up with him.
 
A breakup can hurt people on a deep emotional level when they are dumped. It’s easy to protect oneself by creating a level of hate as a shield of protection. Why would your ex open up to further hurts and emotional conflicts? I completely understand his POV.

You broke up with him. Not knowing exactly what you said to him in a fit of rage, I would surmise it was pretty hurtful (regardless of his cheating on you). I would just move on now, as the damage is done, and there is no hope of remaining amicable.
 
I can only speak for myself. No. I still think well of all of them that I remember actually.
 
This is going to hurt, but the truth is, that he wants you to just leave him alone. It is almost due to how much you care that you have chosen the "walking mat ie walk over me please".

What he is saying is: look, I cheated on you and this means I do not have any feelings for you; we are ex and I want it to remain ex. What am I supposed to do? Remain friends with someone I do not wish to have a relationship with? So, in that way, yes black and white. But not hate as in the pure hatred.

As for ex boyfriends. I am actually curious about some of them and it would be fun to regain touch and talk about how stupid we were. I did not have as many as this implies lol

It is always hard when one loves and the other doesn't; but hopefully you are not the kind who loves once and never again!
 
Personally I don't read such circumstances in terms of Neurological perspectives. Just human perspectives. That the person who breaks up a relationship is most likely to face some degree of animosity from their former partner. Period.

Some people might overcome such feelings sufficient to be friends, but I suspect most people simply choose to move on and have no further contact with the person who romantically rejected them.

With no need to further examine such a social dynamic. IMO that's all there is.
 
rachelsp said:
Do people with asperger's have a tendency to hate their ex-partners after break up?
If so, could this be due to their black and white thinking? You're either my girlfriend(love) or foe(hate)?

Hello all,

I am an NT and am deeply hurt and confused by my ex-boyfriend with asperger's.
(FYI, English is not my first language, so please bear with me if there's any spelling or grammar mistakes.)

It's a long story, but I will try to keep it short.

We broke up because he cheated on me.
I had been disappointed at him for quite some time and this incident drove me nuts.
So I broke up with him in a fit of anger.
I thought I was prepared for this break up, but I was in so much pain when I finally left him.
I left him on impulse. There were regrets on my side too.
So the next day, I sent him a long msg saying what I appreciated for and what I wanted to apologize for. In the msg, I blamed myself for his lost interests in me and his affair.
Although his affair was the major cause of our break up, I covered for him in the end.
I thought I left him with a goodwill.

However, when we met up again two months after our breakup,
he became such a different person. He became so cold-hearted and callous.
(When we were together, he occasionally hurt me with his blunt words, but he could never expressed his anger towards me.)
I asked him why and he was like "We broke up, should there be more love (than hatred)?"

Once again, I thought I left him with a goodwill.
Also, when we were together, I cared for him very much and he know this too.
I don't understand this. OK. He doesn't have to love me but there's no reason for him to hate me either.

Although not often, I still talk to some of my exes.
Of course, they are not as affectionate and friendly as the times they were my boyfriends, but still they sound kind enough.

I hope someone could answer my question.
It'd help me understand my ex and help me heal the wounds and forgive him.

Thank you for taking your time to read this thread.
Click to expand...

I don't ever hate an ex. That would be pointless, would waste a lot of energy, and wouldn't serve any useful purpose.

Because my process when a relationship ends is simply to switch it off as if it never existed, I imagine that to an ex if I met her later, I'd seem totally indifferent. For an NT that might have seen me in terms of a loving and caring partner, I imagine that could seem to be hate.

Your Aspie ex-boyfriend sounds fairly typical in that he is just being himself, and what you are now dealing with is your interpretation of what that is. He very likely thinks in simple black and white (many Aspies do), so that you are either in a relationship or you're not. If not, there is no need or expectation of any emotional connection or kindness that wouldn't be due to anyone else. Given that it was you who ended the relationship, more than likely the idea you'd expect anything further from him would be just confusing to him.

If you do want anything more from him, you will have to try and explain exactly what that is to him, otherwise he won't be able to make any sense of it, and won't reciprocate. Even when you have explained your expectations and reasons, he may still not be able to make any sense of it and reciprocate.

If an ex of mine had ever said she still wanted to be friends, I'd have asked her what would the point of that really be. What for. That wouldn't be for any reason other than simple curiosity, because the idea would be senseless to me without an explanation.
 
If you expressed that you didn't want to be with him any longer that might have been enough for him to end the relationship. Aspies sometimes have it as simple as not wanting or needing to investigate anything around why and how when you present an order. It could even be that the message you sent him afterwards was of no importance, because you already made a decision.

It could be that he still hasn't processed and regulated you as someone who is not a part of his life. In order to make sure he doesn't fall in the same emotional loop he could have decided that keeping his distance is the best until he figures it out. It doesn't have to be that he hates you, he might just not want anything to do with you at the moment.

Also there is no one way all aspies or NT feel. We're all human beings and different. It's not like Aspies have a certain guideline as to how we feel about our exes our why we end relationships. The answers to these questions lies with each individual it concerns.
 
I don't know how exactly it is with relationships but I have a habit of 'burning the bridges' overall. Especially cutting on all contact after someone hurt me. It's not hatred - hating someone is a really strong emotion and very exhausting to yourself, too much so to keep it going for too long. It's kind of... exhaustion mixed with bitterness and shame/regret/relief depending on situation.
 
rachelsp said:
Do people with asperger's have a tendency to hate their ex-partners after break up?
If so, could this be due to their black and white thinking? You're either my girlfriend(love) or foe(hate)?

Hello all,

I am an NT and am deeply hurt and confused by my ex-boyfriend with asperger's.
(FYI, English is not my first language, so please bear with me if there's any spelling or grammar mistakes.)

It's a long story, but I will try to keep it short.

We broke up because he cheated on me.
I had been disappointed at him for quite some time and this incident drove me nuts.
So I broke up with him in a fit of anger.
I thought I was prepared for this break up, but I was in so much pain when I finally left him.
I left him on impulse. There were regrets on my side too.
So the next day, I sent him a long msg saying what I appreciated for and what I wanted to apologize for. In the msg, I blamed myself for his lost interests in me and his affair.
Although his affair was the major cause of our break up, I covered for him in the end.
I thought I left him with a goodwill.

However, when we met up again two months after our breakup,
he became such a different person. He became so cold-hearted and callous.
(When we were together, he occasionally hurt me with his blunt words, but he could never expressed his anger towards me.)
I asked him why and he was like "We broke up, should there be more love (than hatred)?"

Once again, I thought I left him with a goodwill.
Also, when we were together, I cared for him very much and he know this too.
I don't understand this. OK. He doesn't have to love me but there's no reason for him to hate me either.

Although not often, I still talk to some of my exes.
Of course, they are not as affectionate and friendly as the times they were my boyfriends, but still they sound kind enough.

I hope someone could answer my question.
It'd help me understand my ex and help me heal the wounds and forgive him.

Thank you for taking your time to read this thread.
Click to expand...

Sounds more like your boyfriend is a jerk (especially given that he cheated on you).

He might have aspergers, but I don't think that's the cause of his actions.
 
If there are deep feelings for someone in a relationship
and I have been told they feel the same for me,
then I do expect being true to each other as an important thing.
The hurt of finding out they are cheating on you is deep
and I can feel an anger that is akin to hate for a while.
Distancing myself from them and time is needed for the
wounds to start healing.

I can't understand why anyone would say let's be friends
after that type of hurt. Move on and in time the anger and hurt subsides. Other interests hopefully come along.
 
Friendship and relationship are two different things, in the sense that a relationship involves romance (almost always.) So, while difficult, it is possible for two people who were in a prior relationship to be friends or even good friends. Most people just say hi and are amicable to each other, so they are really just acquaintances now.

There's nothing wrong with trying to be friends instead. It usually takes a lot of time if it's a possibility. At least one side may need time to heal. Communication is likely a problem too if the breakup happens and the two of you aren't friends after that. Becoming friends is a bit like starting a relationship over again, but without the romance. It's not a competition necessarily as someone had said earlier unless the people in the situation make it as much. I just simply try to be a human being to everyone and I try to avoid hate and right my wrongs as much as possible.
 
i had so much hatred for mine after what she did.she even tried to apologize afterwards,but i let the hatred consume me so much,that i had nothing to say to her afterwards.my other partner after her ended up using me to make her ex-boyfriend jealous at the time.the last 6 months with her since then were torture.i almost had a meltdown at the time because of her the person who i was pressured to go out with by,because of her.i've been avoiding her like a ninja afterwards,along with having nothing to say to her,even when she tries opening up to me.
 
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I'd get back in touch with mine in a shot, I once talked to her brother on Friends Reunited, he said she was working at B and Q at the time in Darnall, Sheffield but told me to stay away.
 
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