Disclosing my autism to my church?

[autism-and-autotune]

Hello everybody; thank you for your input in advance.

I only put this question here because of my position in church. I like a lot of the people there, and have good connections with the other musicians. But lately I've been on the fence of disclosing my autism to the church--maybe not the whole church, but at least the pastor and some other officials. Not for accommodations, and not necessarily because my autism gets in the way of my duties, but simply because...maybe I'm just lonely offline and would like them to know. But why? For validation and recognition? To feel better about myself? Can anyone else relate to this sort of thing?

In talking about it with my fiance, they said that it's essentially useless information that some folks really don't need to know. Other than explaining a few behaviours--like showing up early to practice, masking (physically), being shy and not so talkative and never sticking around for coffee hour, for example. Although sometimes I get really thrown off when it comes to hymns on the fly, especially if I'm confused and can't hear it in my head and replicate it properly. I get really frazzled with certain other musical styles, too.

I guess I'm just getting hung up on the why I'd want people to know. Either I haven't fully identified why, or my reasons are very arbitrary and unconvincing. Is it unneeded information? Is it some sort of loneliness I'm going through? Or is it just an attempt at over-explaining, as I'm sometimes wont to do?

Thanks for reading.

 

[Outdated]

In talking about it with my fiance, they said that it's essentially useless information that some folks really don't need to know.

I agree with your fiance. 100%

Many of the most vindictive and bigoted people in the world hide behind the front of religion, in a church group is the very last place in the world that you should think of doing such a thing. All you will do is invite trouble.

I guess I'm just getting hung up on the why I'd want people to know.

This is a much more constructive line of thought. Why do you want people to know?

Don't imagine for a moment that people are going to start saying "Oh, you poor dear." and giving you hugs.

Or is it an apologist thing? "It's not my fault that I'm a bit strange, I'm autistic you see." To do such a thing is to proclaim that you are a victim and that instantly attracts predators. Every time.

Or is it a need to feel identified as belonging to a group that is not related to the church? Doing that is likely to be taken as insulting too.

In this listen to your fiance. In fact, let her read this.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It may come down to the fact that we want to be understood and to provide some context for those who interact with us.

I don't like the idea of being misinterpreted. I don't like the idea of people ignorantly thinking I am weird, odd, or not intelligent. I want them to know who they are dealing with, up front, so they can have that context. Whenever I have come out to co-workers and my students, it usually is in the phrasing of "I have an autism condition, so if you're wondering why I might seem "15 degrees off of cool", this is what you are sensing." "So what that means to you and I is...." and then I will rap off the top 3 or 4 things that may impact our communication. I try to introduce some humor and even elicit a laugh in order to get them to relax and be cool with it all.

Most people have very little knowledge of what autism is, let alone how it presents in adults, so I wouldn't go down that route of trying to explain autism, per se, but rather what that may mean when communicating with me. I usually get a better response and understanding.

 

[Outdated]

I don't like the idea of being misinterpreted.

I'm similar but have a different approach, and different attitude as well I guess. I grew up in an era that didn't know anything about autism. I also didn't know anything about autism myself until I was in my 50s.

I always did like explaining myself but as I just said my attitude was a little different - "Yes I'm a bit weird, get used to it.". I never had to make excuses or invent explanations, just "This is me and this is how I work.".

 

[AndyFBlues]

When contemplating whether to disclose one's autism to others, there are some questions to work through. Do you really trust this person? Does this person seem likely to understand? Does this person even need to know?

Some people can be understanding and supportive while others might not. Everyone here gets what autism is like because we live with it. That is not the case for the public in general. Some people might even be touched that you trust them enough to disclose something this personal. For others, it might be more information than they can handle or want to know.

There are a lot of aspects about myself that I don't discuss with others. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism on my part. I tend to be very cautious about who I allow to get close to me. Just my 2¢.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I'm similar but have a different approach, and different attitude as well I guess. I grew up in an era that didn't know anything about autism. I also didn't know anything about autism myself until I was in my 50s.

I always did like explaining myself but as I just said my attitude was a little different - "Yes I'm a bit weird, get used to it.". I never had to make excuses or invent explanations, just "This is me and this is how I work.".

Well, that's sort of how I approach this as well, but like I suggested, a bit of humor goes a long way towards having their brain relax and allow the message to sink in. If you come off as having a bit of a "chip on your shoulder", then their walls go up.

I am, in no way, a comedian, but if you do any sort of study on how comedy works, especially from the better stand-up comics, they are able to bring up some "edgy", controversial, and uncomfortable topics. They can discuss them within the realm of humor. If you can get brains to open up and receive information that they might not otherwise want to receive, or be able to handle, this is a good thing.

 

[Outdated]

I am, in no way, a comedian, but if you do any sort of study on how comedy works,

Presentation is everything of course, the "Yes I'm a bit weird, get over it." was always presented as and accepted as self deprecating humour, but at the same time it got the message across. I was in a similar position to you as regards people respecting my skill and knowledge and I was a good teacher. Most people responded very well to me.

 

[1ForAll]

There is no right or wrong answer, as each situation can be different, and as sometimes it comes down to following the head or the heart, or there can be equal number of pros and cons there.

For instance, if one either wants more attention drawn to them, to be more who they are without masking, or to explain more why they act a certain way, they may be more inclined to reveal.

For others who are better at masking many things, want to not be treated differently, are more private or who could worry more about extra judgers, critiques, sympathy, rejection, or that news spreading, then they may less apt to disclose.

There usually is not a clear cut answer. I just know if I was in that setting and faced the same dilemma, I would not reveal. There would be more risks than benefits for me, and I would likely make more mistakes and feel more stress eventually by disclosing, after any temporary relief, and as it is not definite I have that condition despite 50% traits as my wife's mother likely definitely has Autism, and her father ADHD..

Do many professionals reveal ADHD, BiPolar, Borderline, Autism, or early on in their lives or careers? Heck no. They know that kills their career or taints how others view them dramatically. If they can hide much of that, why reveal it? It will be used against them more. Many music and other professionals I know have ADHD and Autism , by how they act and behave. It needs not even be disclosed.

If they cannot mask much of it, or need to be totally themselves, have far too much stress keeping that big part of themselves in, and have the strength to deal with what others think and in being treated much differently, go for it. That is thus our right too. Be proud of who we are. Just do not expect this very judgemental and cruel society to make it easy for us, as there is far more not loving and caring than caring and loving--even in churches!

 

[Masked Man]

I personally think it is a decision that each individual needs to make, for the reasons already mentioned.

Although I do not have a proper diagnosis, I very strongly suspect that I am autistic, and I have disclosed to a few people I work with. I work with medical professionals who are familiar with autism, so there was no surprise when I disclosed. Additionally, my disclosure was not a sort of "coming out" like the OP suggested, rather I disclosed it more in an off-handed sort of way - like "oh yeah, I do this because I'm on the spectrum, it makes me handle this task better." Don't know if that makes sense or not.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Hello everybody; thank you for your input in advance.

I only put this question here because of my position in church. I like a lot of the people there, and have good connections with the other musicians. But lately I've been on the fence of disclosing my autism to the church--maybe not the whole church, but at least the pastor and some other officials. Not for accommodations, and not necessarily because my autism gets in the way of my duties, but simply because...maybe I'm just lonely offline and would like them to know. But why? For validation and recognition? To feel better about myself? Can anyone else relate to this sort of thing?

In talking about it with my fiance, they said that it's essentially useless information that some folks really don't need to know. Other than explaining a few behaviours--like showing up early to practice, masking (physically), being shy and not so talkative and never sticking around for coffee hour, for example. Although sometimes I get really thrown off when it comes to hymns on the fly, especially if I'm confused and can't hear it in my head and replicate it properly. I get really frazzled with certain other musical styles, too.

I guess I'm just getting hung up on the why I'd want people to know. Either I haven't fully identified why, or my reasons are very arbitrary and unconvincing. Is it unneeded information? Is it some sort of loneliness I'm going through? Or is it just an attempt at over-explaining, as I'm sometimes wont to do?

Thanks for reading.

If they are a nice pastor and church, they should understand and be accommodating.
Autism is not a sin.
But I can understand fear of judgment. As long as they do not make you feel less then who you are. But hope you can feel comfortable enough to tell them and you will feel welcomed and validated in the church.

 

[Judge]

Something cited many times here, where most of us tend to agree.

A simple "rule of thumb". Keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only.

Does your church really need to know? - I don't think so.

 

[Gerontius]

Churches are not all alike and it's pretty tough to advise on this without knowing the people and the culture.
I would say maybe don't. Not all people are safe to trust with that sort of thing.

 

[GypsyMoth]

It sounds like you're just processing through it. It might help to write about it in a journal where you can explore your thoughts about the 'why' and 'what do you hope to achieve" in greater detail. Some further thoughts, aimed at avoiding being repetitious of the good advice above:

...maybe I'm just lonely offline and would like them to know.

What if you got to know them better? Are any of them in a Bible Study group you could join? Does anyone play in a band out of church? Maybe you could stop by during a weeknight and just jam with them as friends. It could cure the loneliness without putting you at risk of being mis-judged.

But why? For validation and recognition? To feel better about myself? Can anyone else relate to this sort of thing?

Yeah.

In my brief experience with it, the consequences have been very negative, complete with empathetically stated denial about it and a refusal by the other person to talk about it any further.

Just from my own experience, I'd be very careful about who I told and why.

In talking about it with my fiance, they said that it's essentially useless information that some folks really don't need to know. Other than explaining a few behaviours--like showing up early to practice, masking (physically), being shy and not so talkative and never sticking around for coffee hour, for example.

You are not going to like this, but you should stick around for coffee hour. Find one person who you might like to get to know better and talk to just that person. Even if you only stick around for 15 minutes at first. After a couple of weeks, add a second person and add another 15 minutes. You might ask, what do you talk about? Easy. You don't talk about yourself; you go in with a script of friendly questions and let the other person do all the talking. Anticipate that they'll just be interested in common, public knowledge things about you, like how long you've been playing, what got you interested in music, and where you think you might to go with it in the future. So having a few pat answers pre-prepared as talking points can help you get through the 'small talk'.

BTW, no one on the outside knows what masking is. Besides, so many people are dealing with their own issues--problems at work or at home, or their own existential drama--that that doesn't really make for a good conversational starting point. It makes them too aware of their own problems. BUT, finding a topic that you both share a lot of common ground over makes for an excellent ice-breaker in making a new friend.

Although sometimes I get really thrown off when it comes to hymns on the fly, especially if I'm confused and can't hear it in my head and replicate it properly. I get really frazzled with certain other musical styles, too.

I get that. I offered to sing a song to a friend, to see if they had heard it before, but with the talking going on around me and feeling vulnerable for even stepping into the limelight, I froze and they decided to move on without whatever I might have contributed.

I guess I'm just getting hung up on the why I'd want people to know. Either I haven't fully identified why, or my reasons are very arbitrary and unconvincing. Is it unneeded information? Is it some sort of loneliness I'm going through? Or is it just an attempt at over-explaining, as I'm sometimes wont to do?

Yup, journal it. It might help.

 

[NB79]

Depends the kind of people they are, it could help them understand and treat you maybe better, or not if they don't understand about autism. If for them is just another mental illness you won't get much i guess.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I agree with your fiance. 100%

Many of the most vindictive and bigoted people in the world hide behind the front of religion, in a church group is the very last place in the world that you should think of doing such a thing. All you will do is invite trouble.


This is a much more constructive line of thought. Why do you want people to know?

Don't imagine for a moment that people are going to start saying "Oh, you poor dear." and giving you hugs.

Or is it an apologist thing? "It's not my fault that I'm a bit strange, I'm autistic you see." To do such a thing is to proclaim that you are a victim and that instantly attracts predators. Every time.

Or is it a need to feel identified as belonging to a group that is not related to the church? Doing that is likely to be taken as insulting too.

In this listen to your fiance. In fact, let her read this.

I wish that I was as smart as both you and my fiance are. In fact, both they and you practically share the same opinion and way of stating it.

Your statement about the vindictiveness of some religious folks is something that I initially did keep in mind when writing this. After all, some folks who are religious (trying not to generalize, but) simply aren't as...kind, shall we say, to those are are born differently.

Oh no, sympathy from them wouldn't be what I'd want--being infantalized would only be worse. And nor would I want to be a victim, either. But I agree with you that it may be something which attracts predatory folks.

Insulting? To whom, the church?

Thank you for setting my straight and saying the facts. I really don't know why I think this way and ask these things--as if I expect the best from people in a wistful way. I guess I'd just be setting myself up for failure.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It may come down to the fact that we want to be understood and to provide some context for those who interact with us.

I don't like the idea of being misinterpreted. I don't like the idea of people ignorantly thinking I am weird, odd, or not intelligent. I want them to know who they are dealing with, up front, so they can have that context. Whenever I have come out to co-workers and my students, it usually is in the phrasing of "I have an autism condition, so if you're wondering why I might seem "15 degrees off of cool", this is what you are sensing." "So what that means to you and I is...." and then I will rap off the top 3 or 4 things that may impact our communication. I try to introduce some humor and even elicit a laugh in order to get them to relax and be cool with it all.

Most people have very little knowledge of what autism is, let alone how it presents in adults, so I wouldn't go down that route of trying to explain autism, per se, but rather what that may mean when communicating with me. I usually get a better response and understanding.

Well yes, exactly! what you write in your second paragraph is exactly what's been spinning in my head. And it's good that you mention too that folks just might have a lot of misinformation and biases against autism. But who would I be to say what autism is or isn't--just merely how it affects me?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm similar but have a different approach, and different attitude as well I guess. I grew up in an era that didn't know anything about autism. I also didn't know anything about autism myself until I was in my 50s.

I always did like explaining myself but as I just said my attitude was a little different - "Yes I'm a bit weird, get used to it.". I never had to make excuses or invent explanations, just "This is me and this is how I work.".

I like your bluntness.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Well, that's sort of how I approach this as well, but like I suggested, a bit of humor goes a long way towards having their brain relax and allow the message to sink in. If you come off as having a bit of a "chip on your shoulder", then their walls go up.

I am, in no way, a comedian, but if you do any sort of study on how comedy works, especially from the better stand-up comics, they are able to bring up some "edgy", controversial, and uncomfortable topics. They can discuss them within the realm of humor. If you can get brains to open up and receive information that they might not otherwise want to receive, or be able to handle, this is a good thing.

Yeah, I can resonate with that a bit too. I'd say I moreso come off as being uptight and 'not fun' at times, or shy and quiet at others.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

There is no right or wrong answer, as each situation can be different, and as sometimes it comes down to following the head or the heart, or there can be equal number of pros and cons there.

For instance, if one either wants more attention drawn to them, to be more who they are without masking, or to explain more why they act a certain way, they may be more inclined to reveal.

For others who are better at masking many things, want to not be treated differently, are more private or who could worry more about extra judgers, critiques, sympathy, rejection, or that news spreading, then they may less apt to disclose.

There usually is not a clear cut answer. I just know if I was in that setting and faced the same dilemma, I would not reveal. There would be more risks than benefits for me, and I would likely make more mistakes and feel more stress eventually by disclosing, after any temporary relief, and as it is not definite I have that condition despite 50% traits as my wife's mother likely definitely has Autism, and her father ADHD..

Do many professionals reveal ADHD, BiPolar, Borderline, Autism, or early on in their lives or careers? Heck no. They know that kills their career or taints how others view them dramatically. If they can hide much of that, why reveal it? It will be used against them more. Many music and other professionals I know have ADHD and Autism , by how they act and behave. It needs not even be disclosed.

If they cannot mask much of it, or need to be totally themselves, have far too much stress keeping that big part of themselves in, and have the strength to deal with what others think and in being treated much differently, go for it. That is thus our right too. Be proud of who we are. Just do not expect this very judgemental and cruel society to make it easy for us, as there is far more not loving and caring than caring and loving--even in churches!

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think in my case...I'd like to be understood more, but certainly not the center of attention. I think what plagues me most is what people might assume about me. But how can I know what folks assume about me in the first place, unless it's all just a projection from my brain?

I think you're right about stating the risks versus benefits. At utmost worse I'd lose my job because, well, religion (and that's just my mind spiraling out of control). At worst they'd view me as different and less because, well, autism, and maybe their lack of knowledge on it.

No, you're right; folks don't have to reveal what is going on with their brains. But I also think that I get hung up on is the 'how others view them' bit. Maybe there's just stereotypes about autism which I'd like to challenge? But then I'd get the endless, "Well my nephew/niece has autism and you're nothing like them!"

I think also what your final paragraph says sums it up for me too. It's a part of me that at times is stressful to keep closed in. I want to be proud of my autism, even in the times where it makes my life hard...but as hard as autism is, folks can be harder and as you say, crueler. If only I could just say to the judgemental folk, "Well that's how God made me, so" *shrugs*

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I personally think it is a decision that each individual needs to make, for the reasons already mentioned.

Although I do not have a proper diagnosis, I very strongly suspect that I am autistic, and I have disclosed to a few people I work with. I work with medical professionals who are familiar with autism, so there was no surprise when I disclosed. Additionally, my disclosure was not a sort of "coming out" like the OP suggested, rather I disclosed it more in an off-handed sort of way - like "oh yeah, I do this because I'm on the spectrum, it makes me handle this task better." Don't know if that makes sense or not.

Yes; I agree with a lot of the reasons already mentioned. Maybe...well this may be irrelevant, but I think lately about the pride and courage it takes for folks in the LQBTQA+ community who are in religious fields to disclose about themselves. It's scary and some are persecuted for it--wrongly so--but isn't this similar pride in the neurodivergent community facing the same sense of trepidation? Or am I comparing apples to oranges? Is it silly to even bring this up in the first place?

Hey, well I'm glad that you can recognize that within yourself! You're welcome here.

I wish that I too might be able to mention it merely casually.