Digressed

[Kayla55]

I became more of a recluse over the years, disillusioned by shallow social systems and really not fitting in.
After my children I was in hibernate mode for about 5 years and slowly returning to society, finding just keep up brief appearances, go on more nature walks I suppose keeping safe distance, not saying or doing anything to upset the grain.
So I look back and find me watching teenagers doing their thing....
I am even less capable after these years and with isolation of understanding basic human guidelines. I feel not even inclined to want to understand what situation was, jealousy?
Is this autism, isolation or abuse that I had lost years of social development that I'm stunted, undeveloped.
I feel too tired, beyond to try follow what is going on and be able to say what I think.
I think I may for once really truly (not lack empathy) but just have stopped caring and not able to bring myself to connect on human level anymore.
Feel more isolated and alone

 

[Kayla55]

Also unresponsive to pick up lines, realising how many chunks of experience are missing in my life experience of relationships.
Continuously feeling numb or unreachable towards even lending to understand others. Being blunt, cutting people off...having no empathy for those receiving end rejection. Staring at situations as if
Is this disassociation

 

[Kayla55]

I think once I did have trauma bond, I felt hurt, sad wished people would include me....
But I severed these trauma bonds and replaced it with meet new people who appreciate my kindness, gentle, patience but I don't think I really had many close friends in life, family too.
So I marched off alone and I think over years stopped caring and now I really feel as if I'm in a coma, I stare at people amazed they talking to me, I don't think I have any empathy. Could say come back over and over and just doesn't sink in, I feel zilch, blocked....
Then I get home and am accustomed to my bi-polar. I get happy with research breakthru then rest of time I'm numb and dry floating around past life until I get happy over my research

 

[marc_101]

Socializing is also a skill. You could be rusty in the skills, so maybe good to start slowly?

 

[Aspychata]

I think not having a true desire to be very social isn't a defect. I don't beat myself up about it. When l am working, l can handle just about anything thrown at me. I feel lucky right now that l don't need to work, and l can just be on my own. I will eventually be living with someone, but we get along quite well. My mom wasn't happy about me staying home so much alone during high school. It bothered her. I mostly did artwork. I up and left for Europe for a year after graduation.

 

[Rodafina]

To combine the ideas above, maybe don't aim for being a social butterfly, but just focus on a way to build one or two social connections that might make you feel more connected to other humans. Maybe a social group that involves your interests could be a good start with the goal of connecting with one person there. Maybe volunteering could fill this hole. Perhaps, you would enjoy joining a gym, an art club, or a game group. Sometimes, we do better with structured social situations.

 

[Kayla55]

Reactive attachment disorder RAD
Well I have this due to social defects and it's deadened my senses for others. Maybe call it SRAD with s symbolising social problem of ASD

Maternal deprivation is very serious, sometimes it's compared with autism as symptoms look similar. This is almost exactly like the numbness I feel towards people and overhearing comments and deciding to avoid a social trauma bond.

I'm also not responding the way other people or women do, so either autism and isolation or my social development was badly stunted.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Is this autism, isolation or abuse that I had lost years of social development that I'm stunted, undeveloped.

Dunno if you meant this as a question or not but I'll treating it as such..

My guess is it's probably a mix of those things as that's how it was for me.

realising how many chunks of experience are missing in my life experience of relationships.

Yeah I feel you there, I've often felt the same I recent years due to my leg experiences.

For be I lost my teenage years, was a recluse throughout high school and while I did socialize with classmates it was really just the basics, perhaps just me masking so I didn't stand out as much.

It saddens me to hear others experiences and the things they did with their friends, the experiences they had outside of school with their friends, crushes and partners they had, etc.

But the thing I try and tell myself if said thoughts come up is that it's in the past and can't be helped now, and also I'm in a better place now as I now have friends that care about me and understand me.

 

[Kayla55]

Dunno if you meant this as a question or not but I'll treating it as such..

My guess is it's probably a mix of those things as that's how it was for me.


Yeah I feel you there, I've often felt the same I recent years due to my leg experiences.

For be I lost my teenage years, was a recluse throughout high school and while I did socialize with classmates it was really just the basics, perhaps just me masking so I didn't stand out as much.

It saddens me to hear others experiences and the things they did with their friends, the experiences they had outside of school with their friends, crushes and partners they had, etc.

But the thing I try and tell myself if said thoughts come up is that it's in the past and can't be helped now, and also I'm in a better place now as I now have friends that care about me and understand me.

My son caught a lobster and a homeless man refused to leave and insisted on swopping for mussels.
So now my son understands little more about life, and I now buy mussels from him from time to time because of my strange way of thinking. Mussels are not fish though, and I do eat these.
I am different and tolerant in many ways...I think being a mother really brought out more of my opinion than previously expressed. Just a way and tolerance for others, and their strife.

I was one of many who studied alone and it was later on that i did this, people don't realise that depriving a special needs person of education is to murder their soul, to leave them wondering and confused in world makes no sense.

If I had more open minded people around in my life, and shared viewpoints then I would have grown in a different direction, but I was stunted. I still can't relate to NT friends on farm, I can't relate to their system. I did want more friends but people who were different.

 

[Kayla55]

Socializing is also a skill. You could be rusty in the skills, so maybe good to start slowly?

Thats like passing a lie detector test...
But manual one, eye contact, sound sincere, not too sincere, try to convince someone you not lying despite having all the cludo evidence planted on you so that real McCoy was sitting nearby laughing.

Seriously, I reached point where everytime I try socialise I realise it's hollow, shallow and NT people never change, just hypocrisy. Tried over n over with no joy. So by my age you should've figured out what you auooont to do,

 

[Kayla55]

To combine the ideas above, maybe don't aim for being a social butterfly, but just focus on a way to build one or two social connections that might make you feel more connected to other humans. Maybe a social group that involves your interests could be a good start with the goal of connecting with one person there. Maybe volunteering could fill this hole. Perhaps, you would enjoy joining a gym, an art club, or a game group. Sometimes, we do better with structured social situations.

It's theoretical, in my lifetime of acquiring SRAD I hardly met others to click with..... So once lost interest sets in its more difficult to go back and look harder for handful nice, smart people to talk to because senses are deadened.
If I could live my life over.....
I've done volunteer work in my younger years, gym, studied and career but masking away at social and acting satisfied when you not, patting yourself on back for making appearances but not actually having meaningful experiences with like minded people.

i.e. if I went to a college full of other kids on spectrum, well my experiences would have changed. How would have having more asd people experiences have changed my perception of dull meaningless friends who kiss eyes open and date guys for cars
Replaced with
I have few friends at college, I'm not shunned for my unfashionable views and hey, we have tons in common to talk about.
So ye, we are social rejects who still desire attention...changed with I was reject who wanted company but failed to find or relate and ended up spending more time alone
Make any sense?

 

[Rodafina]

Make any sense?

Yes, it makes sense. We can get jaded and feel changed because of too many negative experiences.