ChrisC1983
Well-Known Member
So, I just got an idea in my head and had to write it down.. and this what it turned into. The other thing I was writing (only thing I ever wrote besides a few poems..) was around 17000 words and I was still adding to that up to a month or so ago. Maybe spent a few months on it. Trust me, it's worded far differently.
Have you ever had somebody.. a stranger.. tell you something that, looking back on, you could say literally changed your life? People like to say that when they do, it's a positive thing the person said to them. Go get that job, travel the country, find your soul mate and chase your dreams!
Right?
Well.. here's how it happened for me. I had been on SSDI for about 7 years at the time... which is a very miserable existence by the way... and I had an appointment with a state appointed therapist. You know, to prove I'm too mentally broken to fix. Remember now, at this time I just believe I'm a loser, too shy, too much anxiety.. all things that everybody else seems to be able to do fine, I mess up at every available turn or at least scare myself so much that I can't even get to that turn. So anyway, the therapist ends up explaining to me what “should” have happened when I was a child. They are a therapist but are only there to confirm if I have a problem or not. Not to diagnose me. I was told that I should have had therapy at a very young age as well as speech improvement classes. He seen that I was intelligent and did not believe I would have needed special education classes... and remember, this was only myself and the therapist in a 20 minute session, so this was all figured out by him within 10 minutes of talking to me.
He went on to explain that the speech therapy and psych would have followed through to college and, if I needed special accommodations to do my school work, the school would have needed to provided that for me. The state also would have had to been paying me since highschool because the school recognizing that I have a problem means so does the state so I would have had a monthly check, the amount would vary.. the number doesn't matter. But imagine the slew of programs the state would need to pay for to help a child through their college years.. it's comparable to the cost of rasing any child through their college years I'm sure, and moreso because of the high possibility of special classes, doctors, physical needs equipment whether that means special shoes to a wheel chair. So, while I do not remember his exact words for the conversation, what he told me afterwards was this; “They let you slip through the cracks”.
Pause to imagine how he looked. He was atleast in his late 60s, healthy looking, about 1ft taller than you.. and imagine yourself as a naturally taller person than those around you.. and dressed with white hair and a gray sweater vest with a voice that would rival Mr. Rogers for those of us who grew up with him on TV in our childhoods. So, the “They” of which he spoke, could have been anybody in our conversation. Maybe blaming “the system”, or maybe blaming myself and my parents. Again, looking back on things makes it easier to see multiple sides of the conversation. So I took it as his blame for the system.. which still didn't make me feel great. Especially since he followed up that line with something to the effect of “That was their cheapest way out” but worded much better. I do wish I remembered his wording.. trust me, watch Mr. Rogers, his voice is very similar.
So, him.. a professional, state level psychiatrist with clearly many years of experience and who is reminding you in each syllable of this guy who was one of your childhood heroes and possibly the last time you had heroes of any sort and who had spoken to me for 10 minutes of my life.. had been confirming what many online based friends, some family, and you yourself as you had looked into it since somebody first suggested it as a possibility more than 10 years ago.. had also been considering but giving little concern to. It's quite a scenario isn't it? I would need to say that is probably when I really flipped a switch in my mind to just be me.
I was feeling worse every day, depression wise.. so I knew even the seemingly best of things would only keep me content for a year at the most. You would think that would have happened with my ex girlfriend since it was also the same time frame, but she lost all credibility to me when she demanded that I move from my state to whatever state her and her mother were going to be living in next month. I won't jam it in here but I promise I'll bring that back up and explain it more later. Anyway, so I had to do something.. and for the past 30 years of my life, I did everything I could for everybody that I could. So, my last friend left from anything, online or in person, would still chat from time to time and he ended up mentioning “ted talks” to me. Of course, I had to research them. In short, a TED talk is a 20 minute motivational speech by various people. They are also very informative and can be based in science, arts, history, or just about anything. Some will be a story of a man simply helping his brother have a better life through healthy eating... and relax, I'm not a vegan. At this very moment I still need to force myself to have a grape. I do intend to eat better but, on top of other issues, I've spent the better part of a decade on boxed, canned, and frozen foods both out of financial necessity and depression.
Before that you ask? Not much better. I came from an Irish/Italian family.. 2 turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner was not unreasonable, and there was usually around 6-10 of us depending on who popped in. If you don't eat, you must be sick... trust me, for those who were not children in that situation.. it's just easier to eat. And I will explain more on the family dynamics later as well, so relax you few exception to the rule people. So as of these last 2 weeks, my diet has never seen a 100% organic food that was also healthy and still in the form it should be in as opposed to in a stew or a pie, and I wasn't a big pie eater.
Have you ever had somebody.. a stranger.. tell you something that, looking back on, you could say literally changed your life? People like to say that when they do, it's a positive thing the person said to them. Go get that job, travel the country, find your soul mate and chase your dreams!
Right?
Well.. here's how it happened for me. I had been on SSDI for about 7 years at the time... which is a very miserable existence by the way... and I had an appointment with a state appointed therapist. You know, to prove I'm too mentally broken to fix. Remember now, at this time I just believe I'm a loser, too shy, too much anxiety.. all things that everybody else seems to be able to do fine, I mess up at every available turn or at least scare myself so much that I can't even get to that turn. So anyway, the therapist ends up explaining to me what “should” have happened when I was a child. They are a therapist but are only there to confirm if I have a problem or not. Not to diagnose me. I was told that I should have had therapy at a very young age as well as speech improvement classes. He seen that I was intelligent and did not believe I would have needed special education classes... and remember, this was only myself and the therapist in a 20 minute session, so this was all figured out by him within 10 minutes of talking to me.
He went on to explain that the speech therapy and psych would have followed through to college and, if I needed special accommodations to do my school work, the school would have needed to provided that for me. The state also would have had to been paying me since highschool because the school recognizing that I have a problem means so does the state so I would have had a monthly check, the amount would vary.. the number doesn't matter. But imagine the slew of programs the state would need to pay for to help a child through their college years.. it's comparable to the cost of rasing any child through their college years I'm sure, and moreso because of the high possibility of special classes, doctors, physical needs equipment whether that means special shoes to a wheel chair. So, while I do not remember his exact words for the conversation, what he told me afterwards was this; “They let you slip through the cracks”.
Pause to imagine how he looked. He was atleast in his late 60s, healthy looking, about 1ft taller than you.. and imagine yourself as a naturally taller person than those around you.. and dressed with white hair and a gray sweater vest with a voice that would rival Mr. Rogers for those of us who grew up with him on TV in our childhoods. So, the “They” of which he spoke, could have been anybody in our conversation. Maybe blaming “the system”, or maybe blaming myself and my parents. Again, looking back on things makes it easier to see multiple sides of the conversation. So I took it as his blame for the system.. which still didn't make me feel great. Especially since he followed up that line with something to the effect of “That was their cheapest way out” but worded much better. I do wish I remembered his wording.. trust me, watch Mr. Rogers, his voice is very similar.
So, him.. a professional, state level psychiatrist with clearly many years of experience and who is reminding you in each syllable of this guy who was one of your childhood heroes and possibly the last time you had heroes of any sort and who had spoken to me for 10 minutes of my life.. had been confirming what many online based friends, some family, and you yourself as you had looked into it since somebody first suggested it as a possibility more than 10 years ago.. had also been considering but giving little concern to. It's quite a scenario isn't it? I would need to say that is probably when I really flipped a switch in my mind to just be me.
I was feeling worse every day, depression wise.. so I knew even the seemingly best of things would only keep me content for a year at the most. You would think that would have happened with my ex girlfriend since it was also the same time frame, but she lost all credibility to me when she demanded that I move from my state to whatever state her and her mother were going to be living in next month. I won't jam it in here but I promise I'll bring that back up and explain it more later. Anyway, so I had to do something.. and for the past 30 years of my life, I did everything I could for everybody that I could. So, my last friend left from anything, online or in person, would still chat from time to time and he ended up mentioning “ted talks” to me. Of course, I had to research them. In short, a TED talk is a 20 minute motivational speech by various people. They are also very informative and can be based in science, arts, history, or just about anything. Some will be a story of a man simply helping his brother have a better life through healthy eating... and relax, I'm not a vegan. At this very moment I still need to force myself to have a grape. I do intend to eat better but, on top of other issues, I've spent the better part of a decade on boxed, canned, and frozen foods both out of financial necessity and depression.
Before that you ask? Not much better. I came from an Irish/Italian family.. 2 turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner was not unreasonable, and there was usually around 6-10 of us depending on who popped in. If you don't eat, you must be sick... trust me, for those who were not children in that situation.. it's just easier to eat. And I will explain more on the family dynamics later as well, so relax you few exception to the rule people. So as of these last 2 weeks, my diet has never seen a 100% organic food that was also healthy and still in the form it should be in as opposed to in a stew or a pie, and I wasn't a big pie eater.
