Dealing with lingering anger towards others

[Luca]

I can relate with the "flip being switched" situation - I can and often freely give out my time, assistance, and loyalty. I'm like a puppy who is eager to please. But if someone makes an accusation that I wronged them when I've gone out of my way for them, it can be hard for me to forgive. And prefacing the accusation with something like "I know you're a stand-up guy and you've done X, Y, Z for me/us" in some ways makes it worse, because if you're doubting me over something relatively minor when we've otherwise had a good relationship that you recognize has been valuable to you, I'm sorry, but I can't trust you.

Of course, how things are worded plays a part too. Asking me if I had put a lunch on a tab on a certain day from several months ago and forgotten to pay it was probably not the best way to approach things. I had never put things on tab and I wrote a rather colorful email making that clear. And several days later, I got a copy of a statement showing a charge to my card from that restaurant on that day, for that amount. You best I sent a "I told you so" email. In hindsight, probably not the best move, as that kind of destroyed the relationship. But in my mind, the relationship had already been broken the moment I was wrongfully (erroneously) accused of walking away from an unpaid tab of a very trivial amount.

I have been in a very similar situation. Sorry you dealt with it too.
You were right to end that friendship, imo.

And I agree, people wrongfully accusing me of things when I go out of my way to be honest, trustworthy, responsible, and empathetic… that makes me want to terminate a friendship.

Same goes for people starting intentional drama (I’ve used the “acting like their lives are a reality tv show” analogy), backstabbing me, lying about me, stealing, using me financially, and meddling in my relationships and turning people against me.

All of these things have been done to me, by people claiming that they were my friends
I think it would be really dumb of me to NOT have reservations about trusting or wanting to be friends with people, after all that

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I try not to hold grudges. But I cannot rebuild trust with people who have turned on me or betrayed me. They did it once, or multiple times, what’s stopping them from doing it again?

I try to forgive and forget, but it’s easier said than done. Especially because the things that my abusers did to me have caused me to suffer from permanent disabilities.

It’s almost impossible for me to build up trust with people irl, and the more things people do to me, the harder it gets. So I have my guard up most of the time and I don’t like to be vulnerable or talk about personal things.

But with that said, it would be really nice if I could find someone I could trust enough to be vulnerable with I just don’t know how to talk about the things that happened to me. I’ve had therapists say they couldn’t listen to it anymore because it made them nauseous.

I have been badly abused by people and I can be very cynical, but I won’t let the things that happened to me take away from thinking there is still beauty in the world, and I won’t let it make it impossible to see the good in people. And most importantly I won’t let it stop me from being kind. People can make me as mad as they want but I’m never going to be a bully. I do express distaste and dislike for some people but I still don’t want to hurt anyone.

I think we wouldn’t have to worry about holding grudges if people could just be respectful and empathetic to each other. “Kill them with kindness,” as they say.

I know you have written about that in the past, and it makes me sad. Hugs to you.

 

[Slim Jim]

Same goes for people starting intentional drama (I’ve used the “acting like their lives are a reality tv show” analogy), backstabbing me, lying about me, stealing, using me financially, and meddling in my relationships and turning people against me.

Sounds like school. I encountered this, many items, in classes, playground, after school in streets. Of course it's a pattern of behavior continues into adulthood. Dysfunctional. Immature. Most people grow out of it. Some don't.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I have been in a very similar situation. Sorry you dealt with it too.
You were right to end that friendship, imo.

And I agree, people wrongfully accusing me of things when I go out of my way to be honest, trustworthy, responsible, and empathetic… that makes me want to terminate a friendship.

Same goes for people starting intentional drama (I’ve used the “acting like their lives are a reality tv show” analogy), backstabbing me, lying about me, stealing, using me financially, and meddling in my relationships and turning people against me.

All of these things have been done to me, by people claiming that they were my friends
I think it would be really dumb of me to NOT have reservations about trusting or wanting to be friends with people, after all that

Its difficult not wanting to protect you.

 

[Nervous Rex]

If I feel that someone has wronged me, like doing something truly hurtful, or has betrayed me in some way, I will hold a grudge.

For a long, long time. Years, even.

...

Do any of you experience this at all? If so, what do you do about it?

This is a constant struggle for me.

I work soooo hard to keep all my interactions positive. Over the last 15 years, I have built a reputation at work for being one of the nicest guys around. Online, I carefully craft all my interactions to be positive.

But inside, I struggle with resentments. Sometimes, things that I had forgiven someone for and completely let go of suddenly come back and I'm filled with anger. I think, "I thought I was over that." But no, I apparently am not.

Or one negative thing will set me off and I will go from calm-and-passive to blood-boiling-anger in an instant. All negative emotions feel the same to me - anger, fear, hate, guilt, and anxiety all feel exactly the same, so when I get mad, I feel really really bad.

The thought of getting old and losing my mental faculties terrifies me because I worry about not being a nice person anymore. What if I lose the ability to carefully filter everything I think and feel? Suddenly everyone will see that I'm not a "good person." I just hope that if I fake it enough on the outside, then the inside will change.

My only - and therefore best - coping mechanism is to realize that when I anger easily, I am not emotionally well-centered. I stole the term "well-centered" from some tai chi exercises I briefly studied years ago. To me, it looked like a bunch of martial-arts-like poses and exercises, but in slow motion, so you have to maintain your balance at all times. It occurred to me that if you practice those slow moves enough, then you'll be able to do them quickly and never be off balance. Losing control of my emotions is like losing my balance.

When I recognize that I am not well-centered, I have to figure out what to do to re-center myself. That often means:

• Quiet time by myself.
• Spiritual exercises like reading scriptures and praying (if not religious, substitute meditation or anything else that calms you).
• Doing something constructive and creative for a bit to reset my emotions - something that requires my full concentration, to take my mind off the thing that set me off.
• Talking myself through the incident, e.g., "That was long ago - there are no lasting effects in my life from that incident." or "They didn't do anything physical to you - you're unharmed, so let it go.", etc.
• Making sure I'm never too tired, since being tired really reduces my ability to cope emotionally.
• Identifying other sources of stress or anxiety that have "destabilized" me and seeing what I can do to address them so that I'm not to the point where one little thing will set me off.

I still feel like I mask my emotions 50% of the time and only use healthy coping mechanisms 50% of the time. I hope to get better at it.

 

[Taylor Baker]

Well...

I'm a big fan of this one video game, and for the past twenty years it's been the victim of the biggest smear campaign. If someone is willing to grow up and realize that they are accomplishing nothing, I could ease up. Most of the time, however, I prefer to let them destroy themselves. I tried being kind, but only ended up being taken advantage of, so reaching out is a waste of time and resources.

 

[Darkkin]

I have a flash pan temper. It explodes and dissipates. Those emotional fluxes are some of the biggest muse rushes I've ever known. (I learned early to channel powerful emotions into my creative outlets or burn it out physically through motion. Bike when I was younger, swings since cardiology nixed my bike riding.)

I just simply don't stay mad. Piss me off once, I let it go. If I'm wrong I will apologize. Repeat the situation...pattern recognition kicks in and I ghost. No contact. I don't have spoons to waste.

My sister is a grudge holder and I hate it because I don't understand it. I know rage in the moment, but not a festering. And my relationships are better for it.

 

[Kalinychta]

So, as is probably obvious through a lot of my interactions on here and the things I talk about and describe, I'm usually very passive... I wont get angry at anyone, online or IRL, and will sort of just take the blows and keep standing there, not really responding. It takes quite a lot to ACTUALLY get me angry, so typically, I simply remain passive and try to work through whatever is happening.

Whaaaaat? I’ve never, in all the time I’ve been on the forum, thought of you for one instant as passive or not-angry. You’ve actually always struck me as being always in a state of DEFCON 2, of perpetual semi-pissedoffness. Which isn’t an insult by any means, because I’m the same way, generally.

 

[Misery]

Whaaaaat? I’ve never, in all the time I’ve been on the forum, thought of you for one instant as passive or not-angry. You’ve actually always struck me as being always in a state of DEFCON 2, of perpetual semi-pissedoffness. Which isn’t an insult by any means, because I’m the same way, generally.

Well, sort of.

I can be "irritable" but that's more just a sort of undirected thing... no target. And usually the cause is pain, boredom, anxiety, stuff like that.

I can *sound* particularly agitated due to the constant sarcasm that I never stop using, but... well I always sound like that even if my mood is great.

Aside from that though, yes, I'm generally passive. As long as busted tech (AKA, Windows and such) isnt involved.

Note though that I also think of "anger" and "frustration" as very different things.

 

[Kalinychta]

Well, sort of.

I can be "irritable" but that's more just a sort of undirected thing... no target. And usually the cause is pain, boredom, anxiety, stuff like that.

I can *sound* particularly agitated due to the constant sarcasm that I never stop using, but... well I always sound like that even if my mood is great.

Aside from that though, yes, I'm generally passive. As long as busted tech (AKA, Windows and such) isnt involved.

Note though that I also think of "anger" and "frustration" as very different things.

This actually reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister a few hours ago. We were talking about how when we get pissed off, like really red-hot raging pissed off, it’s always because of an injustice that has transpired. Whether against ourselves or another. We both agreed that we’d like to become more emotionally disciplined, however, but why?? Seriously, why is it so ideal to experience blunted, soft-core emotions??

 

[Forest Cat]

This actually reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister a few hours ago. We were talking about how when we get pissed off, like really red-hot raging pissed off, it’s always because of an injustice that has transpired. Whether against ourselves or another. We both agreed that we’d like to become more emotionally disciplined, however, but why?? Seriously, why is it so ideal to experience blunted, soft-core emotions??

In my experience, I make bad decisions when I'm angry. More impulsive decisions, not thinking things through. Acting on feelings. So it can be smarter to be emotionally disciplined, more controlled. And I always feel a little bad afterwards if I get very angry, I feel childish in a way, embarrased that I wasn't able to keep calm and be more rational. In an argument, he who gets the most angry usually lose the argument and looks silly. So that's not great.

 

[Kalinychta]

In my experience, I make bad decisions when I'm angry. More impulsive decisions, not thinking things through. Acting on feelings. So it can be smarter to be emotionally disciplined, more controlled. And I always feel a little bad afterwards if I get very angry, I feel childish in a way, embarrased that I wasn't able to keep calm and be more rational. In an argument, he who gets the most angry usually lose the argument and looks silly. So that's not great.

If you’re basing winning or losing on who’s the calmest, I suppose. When I’m speaking in the height of emotion, I find that I’m really saying what I truly think and feel. I only feel guilty afterward because emotion is misused and misunderstood in the world today, and I don’t think the person I spoke to will understand.

 

[Forest Cat]

If you’re basing winning or losing on who’s the calmest, I suppose. When I’m speaking in the height of emotion, I find that I’m really saying what I truly think and feel. I only feel guilty afterward because emotion is misused and misunderstood in the world today, and I don’t think the person I spoke to will understand.

No, I just mean that it's more difficult to be rational and clever when angry. So when someone gets very angry, they don't think things through as much as a calm person would. Things happen a little faster when angry, words often jump out of peoples mouths before they think.

 

[Kalinychta]

No, I just mean that it's more difficult to be rational and clever when angry. So when someone gets very angry, they don't think things through as much as a calm person would. Things happen a little faster when angry, words often jump out of peoples mouths before they think.

Yeah, I totally get what you mean. It’s weird, though, because it seems like overly emotional people aren’t rational enough, but overly rational people aren’t anywhere near emotional enough. There’s no balance.