Days in my Life

[Aspychata]

Sorry. Call on Aloe and your blanket. Please go to your safe place that your therapist talked about. Don't let your emotions choke you. You are better then your emotions. You are in charge. We need you here at the forum. l enjoy reading your comments. You brighten up my day.

 

[UberScout]

This could be the last hurrah.

We fought again this morning, and it was the usual amount of anger.

So I went through with my plan and took five trazadones.

May God have mercy on my soul...

 

[AGXStarseed]

This could be the last hurrah.

We fought again this morning, and it was the usual amount of anger.

So I went through with my plan and took five trazadones.

May God have mercy on my soul...

Please tell me you're not going through with this?!

 

[UberScout]

Please tell me you're not going through with this?!

I did, Star. I did go through with it.

But it turns out, five wasn't enough. I'm still here.

And I may not find myself doing that again for a while because God DID have mercy on me. All I really got was a nap that made me feel like I actually did die.

I knew I wasn't dead. I was just on a deeper level of the Oasis; Aloe had taken me to her medical bay.

 

[AGXStarseed]

I did, Star. I did go through with it.

But it turns out, five wasn't enough. I'm still here.

And I may not find myself doing that again for a while because God DID have mercy on me. All I really got was a nap that made me feel like I actually did die.

I knew I wasn't dead. I was just on a deeper level of the Oasis; Aloe had taken me to her medical bay.

You genuinely had me worried there, UberScout.
I'll admit I'm more of a spiritual believer than a religious believer but when I read what you'd done, I did pray for your well-being.

If there's anything you think I can do to help, let me know.

 

[UberScout]

You genuinely had me worried there, UberScout.
I'll admit I'm more of a spiritual believer than a religious believer but when I read what you'd done, I did pray for your well-being.

If there's anything you think I can do to help, let me know.

You're a good friend, Star. Please understand I never mean any stress or worry on anyone upon this. I just feel like when this happens, if I don't tell anyone it will cause double the stress. So at least by telling people my thought process they don't have to scratch their heads. I don't like to make people guess my healthiness.

That, and I didn't know the Oasis went that deep. I didn't even create it to have hidden layers or anything of that sort. This can only mean one thing:

Aloe is trying to become real, somehow.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I poured out my heart in a post for you, did you see it? Suicidal ideation and momentum of ka, catchy huh?

You really can escape the looping thoughts. Did you sing anything today? I have an awesome life, it was not always so. Here is a happy thot, u can use it as the happy place, sit under the tree, listn to the birds, watch the clouds dance and

Get the fork out of that awful scene b4 it kills you, seriously.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Here is some more magic, try and trip on this, if you can. Three things
Unlimited rescources
Guaranteed success
All the time in the world

Like a djini trip, or a lottery trip, or you just won the nobel trip, its type of creative fantasy.

If those three things were tru, what would you most like to do? Its me, its not you. I freakin live that

 

[UberScout]

Thank you, Skittle. You and all of AutismForums are equally good people, you all have hearts of pure gold.

To be honest, things have changed a lot. Maddog isn't even like he was when we were homeless; he actually checks on me and asks me if I'm okay from time to time now. Not that he wouldn't anyway, he still did when we were homeless, but there were still bad days. We're just a crazy family. Not much I can do about that.

We've gone from a struggling household to a thriving kingdom, basically. So yeah, everyone in the house is...Cleansed, I guess.

I know I've scared you guys with my notifications about suicide attempts.... and I'm sorry. Realistically that would deserve some form of punishment in person, I'm aware.

I know I can't really show gratitude or return the favor because...well, you know, we're all talking over the internet. But just take my word for it that I am eternally grateful for all that you guys have done for me.

 

[UberScout]

I remember the very first time I watched my parents fight. I was 4 and I had just got back from preschool one day. I don't remember what the fight was about but I remember being extremely scared, and thinking things like "They're gonna hurt each other! Daddy's gonna hit mommy!" Over and over.

As the years went on, I saw more fights, being done for different reasons. Some of them were about my own wellbeing or Bailey's, even more were over trivial reasons like what's on TV. sometimes fights would stop at the end of the night and continue the next morning all throughout the day, and all I could do was hide in my room, listening to the yelling get louder until it turns to screaming. On really bad days i would hear things get broken.

Now in the present day, Mother's Day observed 2021, Maddog and my mother appear to have reached the event horizon of their own marriage, the bleeding edge of tolerance. Their most recent fight was so bad that it lasted...you're gonna love this...

Their most recent fight was so bad that it lasted a week

You read that correctly. Maddog and my mother have been fighting for seven days straight.

Drowning them out with earbuds is useless now, as their voices reach volumes I never thought possible. A really nice lamp was destroyed in the process, there is now a dent in the wall in the living room, and so much more.

This is it. This is the end of our family.

My mother and I were on Messenger last night discussing plans to find somewhere else to live because she suspects that Maddog is now beyond help. And I think so too. In all the eighteen years i've known him i have never seen him so angry.

And I'm stuck.

 

[Aspychata]

I remember the very first time I watched my parents fight. I was 4 and I had just got back from preschool one day. I don't remember what the fight was about but I remember being extremely scared, and thinking things like "They're gonna hurt each other! Daddy's gonna hit mommy!" Over and over.

As the years went on, I saw more fights, being done for different reasons. Some of them were about my own wellbeing or Bailey's, even more were over trivial reasons like what's on TV. sometimes fights would stop at the end of the night and continue the next morning all throughout the day, and all I could do was hide in my room, listening to the yelling get louder until it turns to screaming. On really bad days i would hear things get broken.

Now in the present day, Mother's Day observed 2021, Maddog and my mother appear to have reached the event horizon of their own marriage, the bleeding edge of tolerance. Their most recent fight was so bad that it lasted...you're gonna love this...

Their most recent fight was so bad that it lasted a week

You read that correctly. Maddog and my mother have been fighting for seven days straight.

Drowning them out with earbuds is useless now, as their voices reach volumes I never thought possible. A really nice lamp was destroyed in the process, there is now a dent in the wall in the living room, and so much more.

This is it. This is the end of our family.

My mother and I were on Messenger last night discussing plans to find somewhere else to live because she suspects that Maddog is now beyond help. And I think so too. In all the eighteen years i've known him i have never seen him so angry.

And I'm stuck.

So sorry. I have learned that constant arguments and yelling really take a toll on kids growing up. It affects how they view relationships also. My parents yell, but in my dad's case, it was a control tactic and l could see that very clearly. Hope your mom is okay. Domestic abuse does including screaming and yelling and does beat woman down. I am so thankful you can come here and discuss this. We are all here for you always.

 

[Aspychata]

Am I becoming bipolar or schizoaffective?
If this is actually happening to me, then that is not good at all!

Let me go through a list of what is going on with me mentally at the moment so you can see where my suspicion is coming from:

1. The noise/ambience of the world around me is bothering me more than it should. It's not even noises that are annoying, it's just people talking outside and going through the motions of their day, and yet it feels like the words people are speaking, the nature of all those noises, the way everything about life is just mingling together, colliding with each other in such an intangible way, it's like the mental factors of all those things are just burrowing into my mind, demanding my constant attention... Even though its not required of me to do so, it is now impossible for me to ignore.

2. Even though I have no qualms about paying attention to something like Sophia showing me a game mod for some trendy game she likes, or some video Maddog wants to show me (some of the stuff he finds is actually pretty funny), sometimes Sophia's demand for my attention and Maddog wanting me to see something he found happens together because of crappy timing, and I have to spend just as much mental energy to act calm as I do telling my brain to pay attention to everyone, and it's just as bad as 1. Above...

3. Because of 1 and 2 above, I'm seeking out snacks and junk food like an amateur treasure hunter, and i think this may be exacerbating 1 and 2, and i've noticed Maddog has these symptoms when his bipolar disorder acts up, and now that these symptoms are just now happening to me you can see the reason for my suspicion.

4. I've been looking forward to weighted blanket naps more often than I usually do and i've even started making wishlists of stimming toys from online shopping, much more so over my usual anticipation of getting, say a C64 Mini or some other form of gaming console, while I'm proud of myself for looking forward to something that's not a game, I'm not so proud of clamoring over it so hard.

Am I really starting to develop what Maddog has?! You know that South Park episode where Cartman was making fun of people with Tourettes syndrome and mocking them, then he started faking it himself and he did it so much that he actually started to develop it?

Whatever's going on in my head, this is kinda starting to feel like that.

I'm so worried about this and it's freaking me out! Is it because i've been around Maddog so long? Has that even been scientifically proven to be true?

If i've been bipolar/schizoaffective this whole time and it just didn't activate until today, or if I actually am developing this somehow, what do I do?!

Somebody please help me out!!

I lived 18 year with a bipolar person. The anger was nonstop. They controlled my things. My things were their things. They still try to control me 5 years after the divorce. They have a bunch nites they don't sleep then they crash and burn. But so much anger. I like you couldn't wait to get away. But l had to raise my daughter and take care of her until she almost finished high school. He commuted over 90 mins away and l didn't feel right leaving her alone. She didn't want move to Cali because she was afraid of being bullied. Yes, we yelled, because he gaslight me and he was a compulsive liar. I was pretty battered by the time l left. He wouldn't allow me to work jobs either.

So l get you. You might be eating your emotions, it's when nobody listens to us, we are stuck in a situation we have no control over, food becomes our friend. Anyways, l hope you are staying strong. And l hope your mother is okay. And l hope Bailey is okay.

 

[UberScout]

I have hit a major, major dilemma with my endless quest to cope with life.

I'm bored with it.

I've played every game in our Steam library, every game on my phone, I've watched nearly every stream on Vinesauce that has my favorite moments in them, I've watched every episode of Futurama, American Dad, Family Guy, Rick and Morty and Solar Opposites on Hulu because our cable's out and I can't get interested in any other shows,

My attention span as of recent really just amounts to clicking random things on a game I'm playing or just playing the same SEGA game over and over again till the D-Pad's worn out.

What the heck is wrong with me? Am I not challenging myself enough?

 

[Amy Stone]

Sounds like it. Games are movies are just entertainment...things to do to relax and unwind. You need to find and set some goals that are not "online". Maybe it is work related, or physical fitness, or learning a new skill, or traveling. What could you do if all that time online was spent learning?! Good luck!

 

[unperson]

I play the same set of about 12 zelda or zelda style games, take a break to forget, then repeat. I like retro games.

Everything palls.

Coping with boredom is a big part of adulting, and boredom is a big segment of life.

The need for stimulation/entertainment well... It's stupid and contagious.

 

[ForestGumpett]

Can you get outside where you live, or go to a gym? I find even taking a walk or doing anything physical works best for boredom. Gardening is a favorite thing to do and not only do you get to enjoy the flowers or food (or both) it is good exercise to you get two bonuses out of one hobby. Maybe get a bike? Find something to do that is more physical is what I’m thinking.

Hope it helps. Don’t sit and eat, unless its healthy that will only make it worse.

 

[UberScout]

Thank you, unperson!

ForestGumpett,

1. Unfortunately the neighborhood I live in is pretty shadowy, so taking walks isn't really an option unless I pick a *really* good day. I would try gardening if I knew anything about it, though last time we were at BigLots I saw a lavender growing kit I wanted to get, had I not been so intent on attempting to grow the cannabis seeds I found.

2. I have been making *several* attempts to eat healthy but unfortunately my stupid taste buds hate anything healthy that looks even remotely good. I have no idea what's wrong with me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That makes me sad. While I have issues, I find life, and especially our world, endlessly fascinating. And there sometimes are beautiful surprises in ambush. Took a hike near the Straits of Mackinac today and came across these beautiful orchids.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe find a online course that's free to take. Duolingo has free language courses right on your phone. I am learning 2 languages. These are university courses by the way. Google free university courses, a lot comes up.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Maybe get a bike? Find something to do that is more physical is what I’m thinking.

Exactly. I was able to finally make progress with social maturity when I got involved with the Sierra Club outings and the Michigan Minerological Society. Fed my hobbies and got some exercise while practicing socializing in small groups. That made a big difference in my life.