Cutting off friends

[Sportster]

. . .

 

[nowwhat]

I have. Human weakness, I'm ok with, but betrayal or bullsh!t is another matter. How can you have a relationship with someone you can't trust?

I had an old friend who screwed me by unilaterally changing an agreement we had made over some business matter. We had discussed it several times, and before proceeding with my end of preparations, I had gone back to him and clearly restated the particulars, of which there were only 3 or 4. It was a small, simple matter. He's married to an awful woman who berates him publicly and is a (bad) 2 faced liar. She pressured him to change the deal to his (her, really) advantage and when the time came to commence, he stated the new, unilaterally changed deal as if that was what we had discussed on several occasions. I put the brakes on and accused him of caving to his wife, but he wouldn't cop to it. That was it as far as I was concerned. He came up to me the next day like nothing had happened. I told him to shove off. He acted all incredulous and asked me if I was going to let a "disagreement" affect the friendship. I told him if he'd just admit that he'd caved to her pressure, we could move on. He continued to feign ignorance of our original terms. I told him, "Look, I have a wife, I know how it is. Just admit to me that's what happened, and I can deal with it. If you're going to stand there lying to me, though, I have nothing to say to you."

So, that was 8 years ago. Truth is, he is a coward. I knew him for over 20 years before he married, and he changed drastically afterwards. Watching him allow her to bully him constantly sapped me of any respect I once had for him. That he was willing to forward her rottenness to his friends, and not even have the grace to look sheepish or cop to it, sealed the deal. I haven't regretted it for one moment. I can be warm and generous and giving, but I can also be a terribly cold hard person, if i feel it's warranted. All the time, people try to manipulate me on some sentimental basis, only to find that they can get absolutely zero traction in my case. I guess the difference for me in how to deal with people, comes down to my BS detector. My longtime friends (yes, I have some), have a saying about me, "When he's done with you, he's done with you."

 

[Ereth]

So, that was 8 years ago. Truth is, he is a coward. I knew him for over 20 years before he married, and he changed drastically afterwards. Watching him allow her to bully him constantly sapped me of any respect I once had for him. That he was willing to forward her rottenness to his friends, and not even have the grace to look sheepish or cop to it, sealed the deal.

I'm not questioning your decision, but this person's behavior strikes me as that of a victim of psychological and emotional abuse. I don't know the guy, so obviously I lack the whole story. But being abused can really mess people up. He could have been so afraid of defying his wife that he felt helpless to oppose her rotten attitude.

I can't say I've ever been "cut off" from a friendship---I've just endured the natural drifting that occurs with time and absence and different lives. It hurts deeply, but at least I know it's really nobody's fault.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've lost most of my friendships through circumstances such as moving or (in the case of a coworker who lived far away and who's contact info I didn't have) being fired.

 

[Ste11aeres]

You didn't cut us off, Sportser. You disappeared for a while, but came back.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I do that a lot myself. I don't now why, i guess being AS/HFA probably has at least something to do with it - misinterpreting behavior/actions and not being able to tell something said in anger apart from something said with genuine meaning. My family probably has a lot to do with it too - as good of parents as mine are, they never acknowledged that everything i struggled with wasn't just in my head, that i couldn't just try harder and i would be fine. I credit both of those reasons as to why i cut people off so easily when they do something that i interpret as a major offense or wrong. Its meant as a form of protecting my own emotional health, i'd guess, but in the end it does just as much bad because once i think someone isn't trustworthy i get rigid in that way of thinking no matter how much they try to prove otherwise.

 

[Judge]

Looking back at my life, I was usually the one eventually "cut off". Especially having grown up in a military family where we moved so often. By late high school I kept pretty much to myself having given up on friendships. College was socially far better, although I gained no long-lasting friendships there either.

As both an adult and child, I've always managed to exist in transitory environments. Where your parents get transferred elsewhere, or your peers take and leave jobs, and move to other places, or get married and have children. All serve to strain or eventually end whatever friendships or acquaintances I've ever had.

Sometimes I do wonder if my experience having to move so often as a child upset me every bit as much as my less-than-social neurological profile. I could see that possibly "skewing" a potential diagnosis despite having so many symptoms of ASD along with diagnosed clinical depression and OCD.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

When I was younger, I cut people off without thinking twice usually for something they said or for not being trustworthy or loyal and most never saw it coming. These days I take time to list the positives and negatives of any relationship before terminating it. I also let the person know why I am ending the friendship/relationship. Last year I had to cut a 25 year friendship with 6 friends in which I did give it much thought before terminating and I also let them know why. I still cut people out of my life, but now I just do it differently - with more respect leaving me with no regrets.

 

[Andy R]

I cut people off who let me down badly, or prove dishonest. They are out of my life for good

 

[arthousesalem]

Sometimes you cut people out of your life because you outgrow them. NT's have always let me down. I don't get the double meanings, the power play, talking behind your backs and all that BS that they have. They aren't straight talkers. It's for this reason that I have little trust in there intensions half the time. Why allow problems and dramas into your life. I know I come across as cold and detached but honestly I can't handle all the BS! I am an island and a happy one at that!

 

[Stacey]

I cut people off so easily it frightens me. I don't do it because I wish to be alone. It's the only way I can cope with life. I find people exhausting, unpredictable, and ever changing. It's hard to keep up the pace, so I just switch off. Actually...now I come to think of it, 'switch' was another maddening nickname given to me by an ex! *giggles*

 

[tlc]

I had one friend in school who I considered my best friend. Only considered best because he was my only friend, we had our share of disagreements and lifestyle differences. When he moved far away later on, it didn't really bother me. Then I became better friends with a guy who was HIS friend to begin with. He lives in the same town I work and we cross paths on the road every day, but we hardly ever talk or see each other. Like maybe 2-3 times a year. So that's really all I got and I'm ok with it.

 

[nowwhat]

I cut people off so easily it frightens me. I don't do it because I wish to be alone. It's the only way I can cope with life. I find people exhausting, unpredictable, and ever changing. It's hard to keep up the pace, so I just switch off.

Could've said that myself. I do try to maintain some friendships, and have a couple of decades-old ones, but they are few.

 

[paloftoon]

If you cut off someone, do it 1-1 and let them know why briefly. You don't have to be completely honest, but it's generally good to be honest enough. Depending on the situation, you can either allow them to initiate and show them that they deserve your trust (unlikely to happen) or that you will just move on. It's a hard decision to make, because you know you can't go back. Sometimes, you just have to try something. If you aren't sure and you know you've given it a good go, then it's probably time to move on.

 

[Stacey]

I always inform people why I'm about to cut them off. I'm very open and upfront about it. Although If I've previously cut them off by face before and they cross my line again, a letter usually suffices. Why bother talking the same situation through over and over. I don't do shouting, it's loud, messy and horrible.

It seems to me that..."the only principle the people truly crave is honesty! Yet the only principle the people don't want is honesty!

Makes no sense to me. What a strange world we live in.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

I have ended many friendships over the years, as those people all treated me badly. For a while, I gave up on making friends, but eventually I came across really amazing friends.

 

[faithmclaine]

I am new to this but I think I have unintentionally done this however it seems lile everyone else leaves me not the other way around however I guess this could be self fulfilling prophecy

 

[Berianireth]

I've cut people off before by accident because I can just never think of what to say to them and I feel like I am being talked at when we do speak. It's odd because I always feel guilty when I realize I'm doing it, but I just continually "forget" to contact them because thinking about it makes me feel so stressed.
I've had to eject people from my life before because of head games, like the person that wanted to abuse me with an eating disorder because I was a loser that was good at stuff.
Luckily that doesn't happen often. I tend to lose people most often because they don't see me extending kindness to them... I don't attempt often enough?

 

[Imahigo]

I recently cut off a friend of mine I had since elementary school. She was my only friend I had at the time. She has proved to be loyal to me, but it wasn't until I got to college until I realize how toxic she is. She was very condescending. She would always make me feel bad because I'm "better" than her. She would throw temper tantrums when things don't go her way. She complains about me being "goody-two-shoes".

But anyway, I took her to school with me one day to meet one of my new friends I met from college. I've told her that I had a major crush on him, and that I possibly loved him a lot. I told her he wasn't interested in dating me, which is okay. It hurt at first, but he was my friend before I started falling for him. But yeah, She would flirt with him. Touch him in inappropriate places, and even kiss him. She had him carry her. They'd both sit in the back seat to hold hands. She did all of this in front of me. I honestly don't mind her wanting to date my friend, but she didn't have to shove it in my face. Soon, I heard a scream coming from his bedroom (he has an apartment and I was chilling out with his roommate whom I am very fond of). I walked in and saw them two laying down in bed together. My friend, the girl demanded that she go home immediately. She told me that he tried to rape her. I couldn't believe it.

So I asked my guy friend. He said he just tried to kiss her, because she kissed him, and then she screams and kicks him away. He also said she let him touch her breasts after she took off her shirt (She was wearing her shirt when I saw her). He assumed that she wanted to have sex, so he took off his shirt, too, but she told him no. He understood that.

I then explained to my lady friend that what she did was unacceptable. I know, women say that just because they run around topless doesn't mean she's asking for it, but the problem is... if you found a guy very sexually unattractive, you wouldn't let him see you topless and touch your breast? Or let alone hold his hands, or even kiss him several times. She never admitted she was wrong. Kept telling me he was the problem. He was the rapist. I should not be his friend. Or he will rape me. Finally, she gave me an ultimatum. Him or her. I chose my guy friend. She was mad and we didn't talk again for 6 months until she finally came out and apologized for what she did. I forgave her, but I refuse to hang out with her in public again. I mean I'm not only mad at her for making me choose between the two, but also, she hurt my friend a lot. He said he's even more terrified of approaching women now. He said now he doesn't think he can trust an extremely attractive woman who wants him, because he doesn't think he's good enough. I felt terrible about this whole thing. I even started blaming myself. I should have said something earlier. Maybe this probably would not have happened. But I also notice a difference between my lady friend and my guy friend.

My guy friend would always make me happy and smile. He would even congratulate me for doing well. He doesn't get mad at me for living in "luxury". He sees me as an equal. Sadly, he's the nicest human being I've met other than my parents. Now my lady friend, sometimes she makes me mad and she would always make me feel like garbage because I'm "rich" and she's poor. She also gets mad at me for doing better than her in school. I realized that it was for the better. Sometimes in life you have to cut people out.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I have had people cut me off before; in fact, it is happening right now with a co-worker. She says she doesn't want to talk right now but she feels betrayed and unable to trust. But she will not say why. She knows I am Aspie, she knows (or said she knows) about Aspergers, so I don't get it. I said I would be available if and when she wanted to talk, but thinking about it, that's not strictly true. This started shortly after my graduation. The boss called her into the office and I don't know what was said, but she went into major shutdown mode and has basically remained that way. Last week I finally got tired of it and said that I had given her her space but now I wanted to know why things had changed, and this was the answer I got, I don't want to talk about it. The thing is, there are two different kinds of available. One is that I will be physically there, I will physically hear what she has to say, but I will not be committed to or interested in restoring the friendship, and I think this is where we are headed. The other is where I will listen because I am interested.

My emotions have run from hurt, betrayed, confused to anger and now indifferent. I've been through this before and it always boils down to me taking the blame. Either I did something or I did not do something that I should have known to do or not to do. Of course this is never pointed out to me while there is time to still repair the damage, only when it is too late. What my friend does not realize is that on one level I have been expecting this from the first day she approached me, so it is no surprise. This is life with Aspergers.

On the other hand, there have been friendships that I have ended because I did not want to go where the other person wanted me to go. I did not want to be the kind of person that they wanted me to be. I recently wrote a blog about two women who quit the play I am now rehearsing because they were offended by the phrase "by God stubborn" in one of the songs. They said that it was a matter of their eternal salvation. The rest of the cast were dumbfounded. When a person is religious to that degree where they find offense in a play like "Music Man"--one of the most family-friendly plays around!--I am sorry, but I can't and won't go there with them. Over the years I've run into quite a few people like that who want my friendship, who are eager for my friendship but only if I narrow myself down to fit their narrow little world. They talk God, God, God all day long but their God is a God who is easily offended by the slightest thing and demands that His followers give up everything for Him. I have found there's no reasoning with such people, there's no bridge that can cross the gap between us.