I know you do.
You do deserve. You are not a bad person. You just hold a powerful belief that makes you feel that way. You hold many such beliefs.
I like being honest, and want to rectify all of the dishonesty in my life, and fear the consequences, as I want to live long, share my latent talents and be an asset to the world.
Here's the thing... you cannot rectify
all dishonesty, only recognise that you are willing to do things differently in the present and act that way.
It is very commendable you should want to rectify previous dishonesty, but it is my opinion that focusing on this idea only keeps you connected to, and in a state of, resistance from what you do not want to be.
You can go forward, from here, being the person you know you are, without judging or insisting that your life situation
has to look a certain way to confirm you are
. If you are truly sincere, that is enough. It is time to let go of carrying all that past.
Whether you live long is not relevant. You will always share your talents in moments when you are able to, but to want to be an 'asset to the world', puts too much pressure on who you would have to be. It is an idea of yourself you simply cannot live up to, and do not have to in order to BE such an asset.
That's the point...it is all in your head... a belief, and a very powerful one at that. It does not help you to move forward by having it. You will feel like yourself more easily if you let it go. Besides, the cream always rises to the top...it doesn't have to try to do so.