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PinkPhilodendron

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
There are times I think I am making progress but then something bad will happen and undo it all. I always end up back to square one only with more wounds each time it happens.
Have you thought about changing your therapist? No progress is not really acceptable for 16 years of therapy, actually there should be progress after only a few months. I can't imagine being in therapy so long. I was already exhausted after 3 years.

Please don't misunderstand, I think that the therapist might be overwhelmed, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
 

Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
Have you thought about changing your therapist? No progress is not really acceptable for 16 years of therapy, actually there should be progress after only a few months. I can't imagine being in therapy so long. I was already exhausted after 3 years.

Please don't misunderstand, I think that the therapist might be overwhelmed, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

I forgot to clarify that I’ve had different therapists throughout these 16 years.
 

Shaddock

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I forgot to clarify that I’ve had different therapists throughout these 16 years.

would be interesting what they said. if they broke up with you, if they don´t cared at all, if they were overstrained, if they were not competent enough
 

Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
would be interesting what they said. if they broke up with you, if they don´t cared at all, if they were overstrained, if they were not competent enough

My mother stopped my appointments with some of them because she didn’t think they were helping and one called me a douchebag.
 

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
He asked me “When did you decide to be a douchebag?” and I didn’t realize he insulted me until later on.

Ah, I see.

He didn't flat out declare "You are a douchebag."
He used a common vernacular to describe what he saw
as your outlook. He wanted you to take a look at your attitude.

He could have said *helpless victim.*
*person who believes he's entitled.*
Those don't have the same provocative ring, though.

I can see what the therapist was trying to do, but
the attempt failed to communicate to you.

He was asking how you developed the belief about
achievements such as guitar playing, college graduation,
relationship with a female as *being denied* to you,
as if they were due, rather than results of effort.
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I think you mean well, but besides executive function difficulties and depression issues, too, you may struggle with understanding cause and effect issues. You may feel everyone else is responsible for how they treat you, and for the wrongs you face, with you feeling you are powerless to do anything about it, and with you feeling you are not causing that in any way. You seem to be in that rut regarding that line of thinking.

Good deeds and kindness to others, and especially surprises to them, too, often results in more kindness, good deeds or nice treatment back, if that other's maltreatment of you was because of feeling too much lack of appreciation from you or because of too much stress they had from feeling overwhelmed by their efforts, without much in return. Why not give it a chance, in terms of initiating some cool surprise/unexpected kind word/deed to a family member that could lift their spirits and see you in a more positive and good light?

This in turn could not only make them feel better, but you, affecting the whole family more positively, with a desire to build off that. Small steps like this can build more positive reinforcements and more trust in each other. When we understand cause and effect relationships, and when we are aware that we have control over many things in life, then we can focus on what we need to do, to get more good things to happen in our lives and stop doing those things that set us back.

Too often those with troubled mindsets and circumstances in life feel they are a victim to others and life events, when reality that is not true. We can head in that more positive direction by not pushing kinder persons away, by listening better, by prioritizing better, and by focusing on our targeted efforts to reach our goals, more so than obsessing about what we cannot control. It's easier said than done if our conditions are severe, but if your desire for a relationship takes priority, the energy can come there.

If you set realistic very small goals first, go step by step there such that you have belief there first and the energy and drive there, and if you can have assistance in planning for that, if need be, then once you accomplish that, set a bigger goal. Often persons want to jump over steps there, when they need a foundation to build on first. For instance, focus on being as kind and functional as you can be first, then others will naturally give you more chances or you will have others gravitate to you more, and you will naturally approach then others more. Focusing on negatives or being negative repels many, as does neediness shown.

Everyone deserves a relationship, but how easy you get one or sustain one, or the quality of others you will attract or get, will largely depend on you. This does not mean there is not some empathetic lady out there that would not give you a chance, or if she were very needy herself, but it just means you are reducing your opportunities if others sense more negativity, excuses or lack of functioning. I see many great traits in you, but truth is few are like me. I give everyone a chance, but in the end their actions, inactions, priorities, attitude often may determine the sustainability of my patient, understanding & caring attempts.
 
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Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
Ah, I see.

He didn't flat out declare "You are a douchebag."
He used a common vernacular to describe what he saw
as your outlook. He wanted you to take a look at your attitude.

He could have said *helpless victim.*
*person who believes he's entitled.*
Those don't have the same provocative ring, though.

I can see what the therapist was trying to do, but
the attempt failed to communicate to you.

He was asking how you developed the belief about
achievements such as guitar playing, college graduation,
relationship with a female as *being denied* to you,
as if they were due, rather than results of effort.

The beliefs developed back when I was 17 and it felt like none of my efforts to get a girlfriend and excel at the guitar as well as drawing and writing were going anywhere. I was still single, still the lonely kid sitting in his room on Friday night at his PC while his older brother was partying, and my dreams weren’t coming true.

He wanted me to go up to people and say “Hi, my name’s Mark! What’s yours?” I did that to a patron and she complained about me to my former supervisor.
 

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
He wanted me to go up to people and say “Hi, my name’s Mark! What’s yours?”

Who thought that was a good idea?
Your brother?

At work at the library it wouldn't be necessary to ask a patron's name.
I'd find that intrusive, if somebody did that to me at the library.

More suitable at a social function.
 

Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
He wanted me to go up to people and say “Hi, my name’s Mark! What’s yours?”

Who thought that was a good idea?
Your brother?

At work at the library it wouldn't be necessary to ask a patron's name.
I'd find that intrusive, if somebody did that to me at the library.

More suitable at a social function.

The therapist thought it was a good idea.

My older brother’s advice was to be a donkey’s buttocks because he was a “bad boy Alpha male” (Both self-proclaimed and labeled by others.) and I was a “dainty and possibly gay loser.”
 

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
The therapist said it was a good idea to
ask people's names in the library?
As an employee, asking patrons their names....

That seems pushy to me.

What was it supposed to accomplish?

My older brother’s advice was to be a donkey’s buttocks because he was a “bad boy Alpha male” (Both self-proclaimed and labeled by others.) and I was a “dainty and possibly gay loser.”
This seems like total nonsense.
Sort of standard material from a YA sit-com, the relationship
between an older and younger brother.
Nothing to take seriously.
 

Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
The therapist said it was a good idea to
ask people's names in the library?
As an employee, asking patrons their names....

That seems pushy to me.

What was it supposed to accomplish?

My older brother’s advice was to be a donkey’s buttocks because he was a “bad boy Alpha male” (Both self-proclaimed and labeled by others.) and I was a “dainty and possibly gay loser.”
This seems like total nonsense.
Sort of standard material from a YA sit-com, the relationship
between an older and younger brother.
Nothing to take seriously.

The therapist thought it would improve my social skills and potentially cause me to meet a girlfriend.
 

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
How many therapists ago was this?

The ability to introduce yourself is useful.
Knowing when and where to do so,
equally useful.
 

Aneka

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
1) I am prone to strong depression episodes due to being bullied in my developmental years, feeling like I mess up everything I do, and being socially isolated. It ruins my motivation to do things and life feels hopeless. I feel like I am going to just struggle and suffer until I die.

2) I already know I don’t fit in with the culture I live in and so I try to go to places where I think I will do better socially. I always have high expectations and when they aren’t met, I feel disappointed and discouraged.

3) I have an innate difficulty with math and it’s always been misinterpreted as being uninterested in math itself. Instead of getting treatment (Not because I didn’t want it, my parents and teachers just kept thinking it was simply me not being interested in it.), I just got it constantly shoved down my throat. I was also told math is required for every job and getting a degree requires high level mathematical abilities.

4) I feel bad all the time physically due to being overweight, sleep apnea prevents me from getting proper sleep (I use a CPAP.), and exercise is both confusing and overwhelming to me.
Try cardiovascular training or simply long walks. If it helps, take someone with you.
You don't have to do a lot, just stick with what you have started.

I've also been bad at maths. Math teachers are often under the delusion that anyone can follow their explanation and who can't is lazy (or stupid). Some speed through lessons like dogs hunting rabbits. So it was sometimes up to youtube to teach me maths. I actually started to get better at it after school, during professional training, with no pressure on me.

I can relate to the bullying. I suffered through this for all of my school years. I simply could not figure out how to deal with my peers. Teachers also ignored when someone got bullied, as a result I ended up being the lone wolf.
It will get better in adulthood. Whenever you find yourself in a group setting, remain polite, ignore quarrels and fight for what is important. I've been treated unfairly but showing them the cold shoulder is pretty effective :)
And not all people are assholes but it does happen.
The problem with people like us is that others will immediately recognize us as the odd one out. They don't know how to deal with us, we put them off. Two people trying to communicate with different languages.
I had people describe me as unempathetic, cold and aloof. I'm none of those things.
 
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Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
The therapist thought it was a good idea.

My older brother’s advice was to be a donkey’s buttocks because he was a “bad boy Alpha male” (Both self-proclaimed and labeled by others.) and I was a “dainty and possibly gay loser.”
Anyone who goes around proclaiming to be a "bad boy alpha male" is probably not someone you should be taking relationship advice from.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Anyone who goes around proclaiming to be a "bad boy alpha male" is probably not someone you should be taking relationship advice from.

Really? So do you think my "Bad Boy Alpha Male" tattoo was a bad idea? :confused:

I'm just kidding. ;) Markness, if you look at the math, you live in a very big country with hundreds of millions of people. So I think your odds are pretty good. I think you need to meet many people, the more people you meet the better chance you have. I think. Does that make sense? And remember to be positive, if you go out and meet people, don't tell them about things you feel bad about. Try to keep a positive vibe.
 

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