During my private and shared experiences, asleep or waking, I am always calculating.
By this, I mean a few things. At the very least, I am taking in the current moment and doing my best to predict the next. This might include the way someone exhales, or even the way the sun filters through a window. Another layer would be the cascade of memories being lit up by my observations of the current moment, and I continue to calculate and compare those memories with the present, as well. At the head of this growing equation, is deciphering meaning in existence. It always boils down to this.
If I were to describe this in an abstract way, it is as if my knowledge and speculation of all-that-was, all-that-is, and all-that-might be, travel in erratic patterns through my field of vision. Closing my eyes or looking away does nothing to obstruct the flow. It demands my attention, and I fervidly respond by breaking the information down into a more tangible sum.
As a child, I used to stare for hours at the wall with the clock ticking aloud, or the washer and dryer chugging along, my mind spinning like a magnet, actualizing the idea of nothing (not darkness, simply nothing, not even thought), against existence, back and forth. I was four years old and remember (quite vividly) being alone with these thoughts.
Whatever I am doing, I am existing. And I am more often than not, thinking about things in terms of existence, the universe, linear and non-linear time. I'm often thinking about each moment and how it leaves as it arrives, and how that moment would be shaped under slightly different circumstances. Even looking in the mirror can cause an existential ponderance.
Words, colors, sounds, shapes. All of it comes to me begging for an answer. It's exhausting. Can any of you relate to this?
By this, I mean a few things. At the very least, I am taking in the current moment and doing my best to predict the next. This might include the way someone exhales, or even the way the sun filters through a window. Another layer would be the cascade of memories being lit up by my observations of the current moment, and I continue to calculate and compare those memories with the present, as well. At the head of this growing equation, is deciphering meaning in existence. It always boils down to this.
If I were to describe this in an abstract way, it is as if my knowledge and speculation of all-that-was, all-that-is, and all-that-might be, travel in erratic patterns through my field of vision. Closing my eyes or looking away does nothing to obstruct the flow. It demands my attention, and I fervidly respond by breaking the information down into a more tangible sum.
As a child, I used to stare for hours at the wall with the clock ticking aloud, or the washer and dryer chugging along, my mind spinning like a magnet, actualizing the idea of nothing (not darkness, simply nothing, not even thought), against existence, back and forth. I was four years old and remember (quite vividly) being alone with these thoughts.
Whatever I am doing, I am existing. And I am more often than not, thinking about things in terms of existence, the universe, linear and non-linear time. I'm often thinking about each moment and how it leaves as it arrives, and how that moment would be shaped under slightly different circumstances. Even looking in the mirror can cause an existential ponderance.
Words, colors, sounds, shapes. All of it comes to me begging for an answer. It's exhausting. Can any of you relate to this?
