Confusing Social Situations

[jack_attack]

Hey awesome people,

I've noticed lately that there are a couple of social situations in which people interpret me as irritated or offended when I really just don't know how to respond. Any chance you guys know how NTs expect one to react in these specific scenarios?

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

Thanks!

 

[Outdated]

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

This one I can help you with. In actual English English the word "sorry" is not a form of apology except when trying to teach the concept to toddlers. Sorry is simply an expression of sorrow or sadness.

It's used as a polite response when people don't know what else to say and your normal and expected response to that should be to shrug off the sympathy with an expression like "Nah, it's all good.".

 

[Kitsuna]

Although I personally couldn’t tell you how to phrase it, I think in the first scenario they are expecting a comeback, whether you’re offended/find it funny or not. And I think expressed in good-natured way to show you’re not picking a fight.

 

[Shamar]

Hey awesome people,

I've noticed lately that there are a couple of social situations in which people interpret me as irritated or offended when I really just don't know how to respond. Any chance you guys know how NTs expect one to react in these specific scenarios?

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

Thanks!

I may be one of the least qualified here to comment, but I think that in this context, "sorry" is an expression of sympathy. I believe just "Thank You" is sufficient.

I don't know about the first example. In my experience, jokes against me have almost always been malicious and designed to embarrass or humiliate me. If someone makes a joke that is not funny, at my expense or not, I just don't smile. And frequently don't even react.

Having spent my entire life observing NT behavior, I have decided two things. First, I have not been able to figure them out, and probably never will. Second, I have decided I do not want to be like them. After a most of a lifetime of masking, I decided I am much more comfortable being me, and don't care what they think.

 

[Tired]

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

Without seeing your face (to see what kind of smile you actually made) it's hard for me to tell you, what you did wrong. A small smile is just fine, and maybe they found a joke unfunny or cruel after all, so this is why they apologized. Normally you're expected to make some type of a joke back, but I wouldn't do that on a command in a situation like this, because I don't allow people to make a joke at my expense, so people around me don't joke like that about me.
And with another situation I agree with what Outdated wrote.

 

[Misty Avich]

I just laugh when people make a joke about me, even if it is malicious (which isn't usually in adulthood, in my experience). If you look offended or haughty or whatever, people will continue to use you as a target rather than a person to have a laugh with.
As a kid I used to scream and cry if other kids made fun of my name, probably because I hated my name and felt insecure about it. But their intent probably wasn't malicious to begin with, and what I should have done was laugh. But because they saw how upset I kept getting, they turned it into a game to egg me on.
It wasn't until I was a teenager was when I'd learnt to laugh at people's jokes, even if it is about me.

I remember when I was on a field trip one time when I was 11, and a boy in my group kept making fun of me. We were near a graveyard and were going to look around there but then our group leader changed her mind and said we didn't have time - to which the boy said "yeah, Misty might have got scared!" I reacted by yelling at him and getting all upset. But, looking back, his jokes were harmless, and I think he was actually just trying to get my attention, because maybe he liked me or something. So I wish I had of just laughed along with him, then I probably would have made a friend out of him.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Hey awesome people,

I've noticed lately that there are a couple of social situations in which people interpret me as irritated or offended when I really just don't know how to respond. Any chance you guys know how NTs expect one to react in these specific scenarios?

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

Thanks!

I experience things similar to (1.)myself.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

We are well known up here for saying sorry all the time as social lubricant. Part of our culture, really confuses our southern neighbours.

 

[Outsider]

Hey awesome people,

I've noticed lately that there are a couple of social situations in which people interpret me as irritated or offended when I really just don't know how to respond. Any chance you guys know how NTs expect one to react in these specific scenarios?

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

Thanks!

Regarding the first situation: The joke was really silly for my taste, I wouldn’t even smile if I heard it. Occasionally people make jokes at my expense, all their jokes are funny, so I laugh with them. They know that I have a sense of humor, so seeing me not laughing would show them that the joke is too primitive and childish. Apologizing for it would be kind of awkward for them.

The word “sorry” has multiple meanings. Usually it is used as a form of apology. But sometimes people use it as an expression of sympathy. However, when it is an expression of sympathy or empathy people use it as a part of sentence. For example, when somebody tells me that she is sick, I say,” Sorry to hear that,” instead of saying simply, “Sorry.”

Similarly, when someone tells me that a person close to him had passed away, I usually say, “I’m so sorry,” instead of “sorry.”

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I am Canadian, we are know for our use of sorry.

 

[Outsider]

I may be one of the least qualified here to comment, but I think that in this context, "sorry" is an expression of sympathy. I believe just "Thank You" is sufficient.

I don't know about the first example. In my experience, jokes against me have almost always been malicious and designed to embarrass or humiliate me. If someone makes a joke that is not funny, at my expense or not, I just don't smile. And frequently don't even react.

Having spent my entire life observing NT behavior, I have decided two things. First, I have not been able to figure them out, and probably never will. Second, I have decided I do not want to be like them. After a most of a lifetime of masking, I decided I am much more comfortable being me, and don't care what they think.

When a person says that he/she is not able to figure something out, I put the blame not on him but on his instructors, books and articles that are supposed to help him improve communications with everyone.

I’m NT, and I know how incredibly stupid some NTs can be even if they are acclaimed writers and instructors.

When I was in college I took a course on linear programming. Our professor was a pompous idiot and the textbook that he chose for the course was written by an imbecile. The majority of students dropped the course, but I decided to suffer till the end, and paid for my decision. I got an F for the course and had to repeat it.

In preparation for the course I read the best book on the topic written by the scientist who invented linear programming (this is not a computer programming, it is used for optimal scheduling of manufacturing procedures and logistics).

This is time I aced the course and got an A.

Similarly, if you are an autistic person and struggling to communicate with NTs don’t be hard on yourself and don’t jump to conclusion that you cannot understand them. The fact that you can think logically and write posts that everyone, except for my professor, can understand proves to me that you are capable of effectively communicating with NTs.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I had many situations I don't understand at my retail job. One example would be when someone else pulls their cart of freight ahead of yours at an intersection to leave the back room. You stop so they can adjust something and are not upset at all in fact perhaps you are even a bit grateful for a moment to catch your breath. Suddenly they whirl around at you and start snapping something like "CUSS AT ME! Just GO AHEAD! CUSS AT ME!" You're left totally stunned with no idea what you did to cause their outburst.

 

[tlc]

As others said, people say "sorry" in situations like that, to show sympathy but don't really know what to say.

Being a bass player myself, my first thought was secretly a complement. The bass player is part of the foundation of the band. A reindeer toenail is the hoof, which is the foundation of the reindeer. Won't be getting the sleigh off the ground without that. However I wouldn't expect any of them to understand the irony in their insult.

 

[Outsider]

I had many situations I don't understand at my retail job. One example would be when someone else pulls their cart of freight ahead of yours at an intersection to leave the back room. You stop so they can adjust something and are not upset at all in fact perhaps you are even a bit grateful for a moment to catch your breath. Suddenly they whirl around at you and start snapping something like "CUSS AT ME! Just GO AHEAD! CUSS AT ME!" You're left totally stunned with no idea what you did to cause their outburst.

If a fellow NT goes in front of me, which is a violation of rules, I would say, "What is wrong with you?" or "What the hell are you doing?" I don't feel obligated to be polite because he should know the rules. If this Is a woman, I would be more polite and say, "Are you in a hurry?"