Conflict Resolution

[Ylva]

One of the things with allistics is their idea of "making up" or "making things good again" or whatever you want to call it.

And I don't know if this is an autistic thing or just a me thing, but I have alway found that redundant. You told each other how you felt about things when you were yelling about it (the yelling was also redundant, would have been easier to hear without the loudness and deliberate record scratch). So why rehash it? Why does it take a reenactment with a more peaceful interpretation for NTs to feel like things are okay between you? Why not just move on?

While we're at it, I don't really get the point of apologies either. They don't change anything, they're just another allistic ritual.

How do you feel about these things? Do you have a preferred way to solve conflicts? Does it work?

 

[unperson]

People who are genuinely sorry should be forgiven, but to most people 'sorry' is just a password for more of the same crap.

It's a go-along to get-along thing, I think.

Don't tell me, show me, is my approach to 'sorries'

 

[Progster]

I agree with what you say about apologies. They don't make it better, don't undo what is done or solve the problem. I don't need people to apologise for their wrongdoing, I want them not to do it again.

I think that the apology is for the wrongdoer to feel better, not the person offended or wronged. It's an ememe thing, sending feelgood messages to resolve conflict. It doesn't work for me and I find it hard to move on from a conflict. I forgive in time, but don't forget.

 

[Major Tom]

It's all about the innate drive for the dramatic I think. Also one of the reasons you rarely see any good news on the "news". In my opinion, if you've had a disagreement with someone, it's better to just part ways than to keep rehashing the same old drama. I refuse to do it.

 

[Progster]

In my opinion, if you've had a disagreement with someone, it's better to just part ways than to keep rehashing the same old drama. I refuse to do it.

Agree with this.

My partner has a very abusive family member. She is very unpredictible and unstable: one minute she is talking to you like she's your best friend, then later the same day she is sending you abusive text messages and insults without warning, without provocation. Followed by an apology and some excuse. My partner always lets her back into his life after she does this to him and after a while they are talking again, but I just can't do this. It's not ok to abuse me and then expect that you can just apologise and then it will be ok as if nothing ever happened - and then do the same thing again. I'm prepared to give someone a second chance, or even two chances, but after that, they're out. I don't want them in my life any more. I wish to protect myself: allowing this person into my life is opening myself to abuse.

Sometimes people genuinely are sorry and will take care not to make the same mistake again; other times accepting an apology is opening yourself to further abuse.

 

[SDRSpark]

Some of you remind me of a friend of mine...who never apologizes, but he will change his behavior, and just not mention the offense.

It actually bothers me (I want some acknowledgement that I was hurt by the behavior, especially where a breach of trust was involved). Maybe it should bother me less, because not everyone is wired that way. (I am pretty sure he's neurodivergent as well but I'm not going to bring it up to him.)

 

[Raggamuffin]

I don't like giving or receiving apologies. As the old saying goes - actions speak louder than words.

Ed

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Conflict resolutions and apologies should, ideally be done in a state of calm. The problem with emotions,...regardless of being neurotypical or autistic,...is that it leads to irrational thinking,...in some cases, a general lack of thinking and perspective taking. Things get said that really didn't need to be said,...old, pent-up BS get brought up,...anger rises,...things just "go off the rails". None of it is productive, in any way,...but can be quite destructive. Once the emotions subside, and you've been able to assess how the misunderstanding or conflict started in the first place,...then you should be able to have your wits about you. This is why you should revisit it,...it should not be a redundant thing. The nuance with this,...both parties need to be in a similar state of mind,...calm,...if not, it will just blow up again.

Here's the "sticky widget" with being of the autistic mind,...it can be difficult to imagine yourself in their shoes,...the perspective taking. You are, by default, taking the situation from your perspective,...which is not helpful. In this case, if you are dealing with a neurotypical, you might want to step back and allow them to speak first, giving you an opportunity to listen to their perspective before you begin making the "faux pas" of using an accusatory and derogatory perspective. It is a difficult thing to quietly listen and not interrupt another's train of thought when, in some cases, you might still feel like you are going to "explode". Mental discipline can be a challenge at times.

Many times, I have to remind myself,...and others,...that I have Asperger's. With that comes some potential for misinterpretation of behavior and communication. This does not imply that the underlying cause of the conflict was related to your autism,...in some cases, it was clearly their fault,...BUT, in some cases, you have to have some humility and be open to the idea.

 

[Aspychata]

To me and an apology says hey - l screwed up and l acknowledge it. If person B chooses not to accept - thats simply up to them. If l apologize for something several times then it helps me understand, wait minute, there is an issue here and l need to work and resolve this. l have had a whirlwind of issues dumped on me and l need to kind of be diligent because l juggle many ongoing issues. Part of narcissist abuse- constant chaos from my ex.

 

[Judge]

To me, such communication dynamics are indicative not of any neurological divide, but rather a cultural divide. Something that I only recently learned about watching various cultural videos about how people act in Northern European countries. Some more humorous than others.

The OP resides in a country in which saying nothing to a stranger is allegedly considered more polite than saying much of anything at all. Persons from other countries like my own may take offense of such a response. Still others have a curt response of feigning an apology (sorry!/pardon me) that to other cultures is offensive in itself as it may come across as insincere.

In essence, many different nations and cultures have their own way of communicating conflict resolution which may be directly at odds with others. A social concern that isn't likely to go away any time soon.

Though I can see how the notion of saying nothing at all would be preferred by any number of those on the spectrum of autism. Though it's still a communications concern that goes far beyond the neurological divide.

Or as the saying goes, "Different strokes for different folks".

Are Norwegians Rude? - Life in Norway

https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/12004-apologies-around-the-world.html

 

[The Pandector]

What is the purpose in an honest apology? ‘I have misbehaved, which has unfairly caused you grief.’ Having acknowledged that, it only follows that the offender would make every effort to avoid such behavior in the future. Also, it might involve some sort of restitution (‘In my haste I knocked them from your hand. Please, allow me to pick them back up for you.’) which demonstrates sincerity. In short, it acknowledges both the misstep and responsibility for its consequences.

Maybe the problem comes when people think you have to accept an apology. If that’s so, then all that’s required is to utter some typical formulation and the problem is solved and the offender is thereby off the hook. When used under this assumption, the apology is an avoidance of responsibility.

Maybe I’m delusional on this, but I think it’s really easy to spot the difference between these two types of apology. I make best effort to immediately accept the first type; that person has found a place in my heart. The second type I refuse to either give or accept, and I am wary of this person—even to the point of excluding them from my life.

But here’s the rub. I’m autistic. I know what it is to have every good intention and yet deeply offend. My mistakes grieve me more than is healthy. Worse, no matter how sorry I am or how profusely I apologize, I am likely to reoffend. Soon.

So I’m uncomfortable with excluding people who’ve offended me because I know how easy it can be. Not to mention… my world is small enough already.

 

[OkRad]

Behaviour is much harder to change than just willing it. I apologize whenever i mess up because I am sorry I messed up. It does not mean my self-loathing, self-hatred, chagrin, and regret can make my brain synapses magically fire in a different way. Likewise, no matter how much someone did not want to get mad at me for my autism, I can't expect their brain just to suddenly pour new and different hormones in or that their amygdala can magically reduce to a normal size.

We love to judge but forget how horribly hard it is to change. But neuroscience tells us it's harder than we think. We want someone to change for us, but they are already trying to quit smoking or eat better or go back to school and we DEMAND they change behaviour for us. AND they want us to spend every brain cell and neuron on making hard changes to serve them or to stop x, y, or z when we are already firing off our neurons just trying to make sense of things that are already hard for us.

If anyone ever apologizes to me (rarely), I am SO HAPPY and so amazed and of course I forgive them if they are people I know.

That said, if someone just laughs off a harm done to me (happens a lot) then i don't take it seriously and consider them dangerous.

 

[Aspychata]

What is the purpose in an honest apology? ‘I have misbehaved, which has unfairly caused you grief.’ Having acknowledged that, it only follows that the offender would make every effort to avoid such behavior in the future. Also, it might involve some sort of restitution (‘In my haste I knocked them from your hand. Please, allow me to pick them back up for you.’) which demonstrates sincerity. In short, it acknowledges both the misstep and responsibility for its consequences.

Maybe the problem comes when people think you have to accept an apology. If that’s so, then all that’s required is to utter some typical formulation and the problem is solved and the offender is thereby off the hook. When used under this assumption, the apology is an avoidance of responsibility.

Maybe I’m delusional on this, but I think it’s really easy to spot the difference between these two types of apology. I make best effort to immediately accept the first type; that person has found a place in my heart. The second type I refuse to either give or accept, and I am wary of this person—even to the point of excluding them from my life.

But here’s the rub. I’m autistic. I know what it is to have every good intention and yet deeply offend. My mistakes grieve me more than is healthy. Worse, no matter how sorry I am or how profusely I apologize, I am likely to reoffend. Soon.

So I’m uncomfortable with excluding people who’ve offended me because I know how easy it can be. Not to mention… my world is small enough already.

Yes. My feelings also. Because sometimes triggers from past issues can cause us to lash out without realizing we have such a trigger in place. Then we have to moonwalk backwards and apologize and l end up feeling stupid, like whoa Bessie, where did that come from which then requires self-attendence and realization to check myself in the (gasp) moment. Apologies come with a dumptruck of guilt trips. Who knew?

 

[Tom]

I think 'conflict resolution' implies ending strife between 2 or more people in a mutually agreed way. Apologies may or may not be required but some sort of dialogue between the parties directly, using mediators or even 3rd party go-betweens is a required element.

 

[Thinx]

Ok well as usual I'll talk about attachment security. The more secure I am, the likelier it is I can see what's happening for the other person, and make allowances for them. And that I can largely refrain from getting into a shouting match or upsetting spiral of tit for tat.

Because if I have developed attachment security, I don't take their being upset or unfair personally, but I know it's about them not me. However, if they are being abusive, if I have attachment security, I will usually recognise that, and make realistic decisions about what's best for me in terms of relating with this person.

Mostly attachment security levels in childhood depend on the quality and availability of caregiving/parenting. Children whose caregivers are unavailable or lacking for whatever reasons that can happen, may become anxious and insecure, which can show itself as being overly independent/detached/avoidant, being overly dependent/needy, or a mix of such behaviours. Around a third of people at least will be in this category, it's extremely common.

If I then work on my levels of security in adulthood perhaps through therapy or self study, I can gradually improve my ability to feel secure, to soothe myself when agitated, to manage my own feelings, and not take responsibility for the feelings of others. This makes it easier for me to do well in relating, and irrespective if I find it easy to get into relationships, once I am in a close relationship I can manage quite well and be supportive aswell as letting my partner support me.

In tems of relationship therapy, a significant amount of people who are really struggling are (both) significantly insecure, aswell as possibly having other challenges, so this is always a useful area to work on, assuming neither person is abusive.

But even in everyday life, the ability to both offer support to others aswell as to seek and accept support when needed for themself, and to make allowances for others aswell as not taking responsibility for others feelings, usually means the person is fairly secure. I should add, attachment security is a developmental system that research has found to be similarly applicable to people who are autistic as to NTs.

 

[Gift2humanity]

People who are genuinely sorry should be forgiven, but to most people 'sorry' is just a password for more of the same crap.

It's a go-along to get-along thing, I think.

Don't tell me, show me, is my approach to 'sorries'

True.

I agree with what you say about apologies. They don't make it better, don't undo what is done or solve the problem. I don't need people to apologise for their wrongdoing, I want them not to do it again.

I think that the apology is for the wrongdoer to feel better, not the person offended or wronged. It's an ememe thing, sending feelgood messages to resolve conflict. It doesn't work for me and I find it hard to move on from a conflict. I forgive in time, but don't forget.

Good that you can forgive.

What is the purpose in an honest apology? ‘I have misbehaved, which has unfairly caused you grief.’ Having acknowledged that, it only follows that the offender would make every effort to avoid such behavior in the future. Also, it might involve some sort of restitution (‘In my haste I knocked them from your hand. Please, allow me to pick them back up for you.’) which demonstrates sincerity. In short, it acknowledges both the misstep and responsibility for its consequences.

Maybe the problem comes when people think you have to accept an apology. If that’s so, then all that’s required is to utter some typical formulation and the problem is solved and the offender is thereby off the hook. When used under this assumption, the apology is an avoidance of responsibility.

Maybe I’m delusional on this, but I think it’s really easy to spot the difference between these two types of apology. I make best effort to immediately accept the first type; that person has found a place in my heart. The second type I refuse to either give or accept, and I am wary of this person—even to the point of excluding them from my life.

But here’s the rub. I’m autistic. I know what it is to have every good intention and yet deeply offend. My mistakes grieve me more than is healthy. Worse, no matter how sorry I am or how profusely I apologize, I am likely to reoffend. Soon.

So I’m uncomfortable with excluding people who’ve offended me because I know how easy it can be. Not to mention… my world is small enough already.

Actions speak louder than words.
Sorry is easy to say, except for toxic people, if they do apologise, it is insincere.

I think 'conflict resolution' implies ending strife between 2 or more people in a mutually agreed way. Apologies may or may not be required but some sort of dialogue between the parties directly, using mediators or even 3rd party go-betweens is a required element.

View attachment 66709

Some people cannot admit wrongdoing.
These are the damaged people.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I forgive but I don't forget, forgiving is to relieve you!!! of the damage unforgiveness does ,unforgiveness has been recounted by psychologists ,to cause a form of breast cancer,researchers at Stanford university, found that women who repressed their emotions ,were more likely to show an imbalance in the hormone cortisol than those who did not.

Yikes hope I forgive everyone, I say I do, just have to master bitter thoughts. I’ll make it.

 

[Ylva]

I forgive but I don't forget, forgiving is to relieve you!!! of the damage unforgiveness does ,unforgiveness has been recounted by psychologists ,to cause a form of breast cancer,researchers at Stanford university, found that women who repressed their emotions ,were more likely to show an imbalance in the hormone cortisol than those who did not.

Isn't forgiving just no longer caring?

 

[The Pandector]

One useful definition of forgiveness—
Relinquishing the right to any retribution.

I guess if we get that part right, the road to restoration is open.