Concerns with sharing and personal space

[MBSeirra]

1. I didn't consider at all that it was an expression, or, if it was, that it being an expression would affect its meaning with any relevance.

2. If my either of my questions seemed rhetorical or seemed to imply anything beyond their direct meaning, then I conveyed myself not as I intended. I intended to clarify whether or not that was your goal and I intended, out of genuine curiosity, to ask if anyone here had experience with that being successful. I also considered editing the post to add that I want to learn how to do that, with a joke about at what dosage of Valium would I would attempt that at, but I ended up not doing it, obviously.

3. I am also higher functioning and generally have a somewhat normal life. I'm not entirely sure if that has anything to do with rigidity. I'm almost inclined to believe it's a point against it.

4. I do agree! Not just a valuable life skill, but something which would make happiness a heck of a lot easier to maintain.

Oh, and if any of the above doesn't seem to logically respond to something you said, then I misunderstood you. That feels like a possibility at the moment.

Fino, I apologize for the tone of my response last night. It was late, I was in bed, and I responded quickly and without an adequate amount of thought. I mistook your intent, and I apologize for being snarky.

 

[MBSeirra]

I understand that, we have often heard similar or the usual is “I don’t want it now, she has contaminated it!”

I’m interested to know something, does it work both ways with your daughter? What I mean is my eldest sees nothing wrong in helping herself to other people’s things if “no one was using it”, “I needed it”, “it’s not a big deal, it’s not deep etc” however like your child, she will have a major meltdown if anyone else borrowed or used something belonging to her for the same reason.

This strikes me as not only unreasonable but hypocritical. Just to be clear I’m not talking about prized possessions here or meaningful objects with sentimental value, that’s different. I’m talking about a pen, phone charger cable, a book she grew out of a few years ago and has no value to her etc, the expression ‘dog in a manger’ comes into play here. Of course much of this could be simply sibling rivalry I realise however her sister is happy to share, lend or trade.

I see what others are saying about why should children be made to share, but I think it is important for children with ASD to learn, or at least experience the concept of sharing at home in a safe environment where meltdowns can be handled safely. While a child may be able to control the environment of their room and possessions to some degree, once they are in a different environment things change.

At school, or work, a friends house etc things are different. Some people share and think nothing of it, and some people take what doesn’t belong to them and when confronted act offended and patronise with “I’m only borrowing it!” It’s not right but it does and will happen. A child with little or no experience of sharing is likely to be overwhelmed or incredulous to such common behaviour in the NT world. I do therefore think IMO it’s important to acclimatise and prepare children for sharing and other behaviours because while they don’t have to like it, they need to be able to cope with it when it happens, and like it or not it will happen!

Starfire, I agree entirely. The funny thing is that she honestly pretty much holds up the same standards for herself. Now, on its face I actually admire that, but it doesn’t take too much digging to realize that the reason she does uphold that standard is really to prevent us from using her hypocrisy as ammunition to force her hand. But, it is generally the things that she values. If it is an old book that she has no interest in she’s ok with it. But if she values it at all we have to tread lightly. Example, last night our son needed to borrow a marker. That’s dangerous territory because she is so artistic and values ALL of her art related items. Markers have been a big thing in the past, but her mother is the one that asked, and it was for a specific reason with adult oversight. So, it went ok.

I did speak to my wife last night about “collateral” as you mentioned. We’re going to bring that up today hopefully.

 

[Starfire]

Starfire, I agree entirely. The funny thing is that she honestly pretty much holds up the same standards for herself. Now, on its face I actually admire that, but it doesn’t take too much digging to realize that the reason she does uphold that standard is really to prevent us from using her hypocrisy as ammunition to force her hand. But, it is generally the things that she values. If it is an old book that she has no interest in she’s ok with it. But if she values it at all we have to tread lightly. Example, last night our son needed to borrow a marker. That’s dangerous territory because she is so artistic and values ALL of her art related items. Markers have been a big thing in the past, but her mother is the one that asked, and it was for a specific reason with adult oversight. So, it went ok.

I did speak to my wife last night about “collateral” as you mentioned. We’re going to bring that up today hopefully.

She now sounds quite reasonable to me based on your last post, especially as she holds herself to the same standards she expects from others regardless of the reasons. I was under the impression she would not lend anything and it was often the cause of a meltdown so perhaps I misunderstood.

Seeing as she’s ok with sharing her things that don’t hold value to her, I think that’s very positive. I’m a little confused now as to what you are you hoping to achieve. Do you want her to share her valued or personal possessions, or things which have a shelf life ie when a pen is used up it’s of no use?

Given what you said here -

And there have been times in the past where he damaged or broke something of hers and I know that this causes a great deal of anxiety for her.

I can understand where she’s coming from if there’s a past history of her lending things which were returned damaged or broken. I don’t think anyone would be happy about that ASD or not, and that would make me reluctant to loan anything to that person again, brother or not.

 

[Pats]

Being the youngest child I never felt like anything was my own and my oldest sister was the most unwilling to share. She never outgrew it.
As an adult the thing I have trouble with is territory and space. Like at church, if a visitor is sitting in my seat I go into a panic on the inside. I now do not know where to sit. I'd like to turn around and leave, but can't because everyone has already seen me come in. I find somewhere else to sit and uncomfortable emotionally AND physically the entire service to the degree I come home hurting from being so tense and with a headache from the tension and stress. I'm 61 so I don't act out, but it certainly does a number on me. It's my spot - my comfort zone and someone else is in it. Even as I wrote this, I realize my shoulders are touching my ears because the thought makes me become tense.

 

[MBSeirra]

You’re right, perhaps I should have been more clear in my expectations.

My hope is that when her mother asks her to share a book (insert any reasonable item here) that she considers hers, that she is more agreeable and not completely surrender ownership and state that she doesn’t want it if her brother is allowed to use it. Also, that it doesn’t elicit such an emotional response.

She now sounds quite reasonable to me based on your last post, especially as she holds herself to the same standards she expects from others regardless of the reasons. I was under the impression she would not lend anything and it was often the cause of a meltdown so perhaps I misunderstood.

Seeing as she’s ok with sharing her things that don’t hold value to her, I think that’s very positive. I’m a little confused now as to what you are you hoping to achieve. Do you want her to share her valued or personal possessions, or things which have a shelf life ie when a pen is used up it’s of no use?

Given what you said here -



I can understand where she’s coming from if there’s a past history of her lending things which were returned damaged or broken. I don’t think anyone would be happy about that ASD or not, and that would make me reluctant to loan anything to that person again, brother or not.

I guess I was hoping to prevent that strong, emotional response that occurs when her space is violated or her things are touched in a way that can sometimes upset her entire day. I believe now that I see the writing on the wall, based on what I have read. This is not usually a huge deal unless something is done thoughtlessly concerning property or space. It does not happen frequently, but she does have a little brother who knows how to push buttons. I just didn’t want it to be an issue at all if we could work on it, but I’ve got my own issues about fixing things. Maybe I’m projecting...

Thank you all for your thoughts and honest input.

Matt