Complicated friendship with someone on the spectrum - Help!

[jamie5136]

I am a 51 yo female and I have a friend (male) who is 22 years old. We have had a most unusual friendship over the course of 2+ years. I have some disabilities and live alone, he has had some physical issues as well as some emotional over the years and was unable to go back to college.

So, at the end of the day we were both bored and began speaking on Skype. We both live in different states. I found him to be both intelligent and kind. So, this oddly developed into something more. Feeling developed on that level.. probably more on my side. But, there was flirting, etc. that went on.

He has told me he has loved me on several occasions and wanted to live with me for a few years, etc. Again, I think could be because he was bored, confused and then on the spectrum. So, in an effort to save our friendship and disregard any sex/love feelings we had for each other, we have tried to remain friends, but this has been a struggle and very one-sided. I communicate with him and he primarily gives me one sentence answers or ignores me entirely.

So, this makes me very, very angry. I don't even think I can chalk this up to his autism (high-level), rather the fact that he is just not that into me anymore and only throws out a few sentences here/there as a courtesy, but it's irritating as heck.

I don't know what to do. I have told him that we can stop being friends as it is too hard for me, but he wants to continue, which only leaves me more and more angry. I don't want to lose him, but I think trying to remain friends is way to hard.

Ideas?

 

[LearnedCoward]

@jamie5136

It sounds like he wanted something more out of your friendship than you did. Not much of an autism thing, but more of a human thing.

I'm not a fan of unusual friendships myself. I believe in calling everything by its proper name.

 

[BraidedPony]

Maybe meeting in person would be a way to know where to go next, if anywhere, with your relationship.
I think if you guys keep on the way it is, the relationship will eventually fade away. But that is the way some things go and you will make new friends and he will too.
If the guy wants to end your relationship then I would suggest you just let him go with dignity and grace.

 

[Suzanne]

He is young enough to be your son!

Not sure how you can get angry with him, when you are the much older one?

I know that many say: it is just an age, but in fact, if that were the case, then we would not age alongside the age we are and albeit, ones can look younger and their bodies react the same way, there has to be boundries in place.

 

[Judge]

Unfortunately there's nothing remarkable about dysfunctional relationships. They can go on and on and on...until one or both parties realize they're just going in vicious circles.

The choice isn't whether or not he's going to change, but rather when you choose to withdraw from a situation that is otherwise likely to remain "impossible" for you.

Otherwise codependency isn't a good foundation for much of any relationship.

 

[MrSpock]

@jamie5136 I find your post confusing. It appears that at times you have each wanted friendship, you have each wanted more than that at times too. Somebody, maybe both of you, have wanted to continue the friendship without anything more. "...we have tried... ...one-sided..." Is it 'we', as in both of you, or is it one-sided? In what respect is it one-sided?

If you have mutually decided to continue as only friends then I don't see how you could have a problem with him being 'not that into you anymore'. I feel sure that I'm missing some key information here, or have misunderstood something.

 

[LearnedCoward]

@jamie5136 I find your post confusing. It appears that at times you have each wanted friendship, you have each wanted more than that at times too. Somebody, maybe both of you, have wanted to continue the friendship without anything more. "...we have tried... ...one-sided..." Is it 'we', as in both of you, or is it one-sided? In what respect is it one-sided?

If you have mutually decided to continue as only friends then I don't see how you could have a problem with him being 'not that into you anymore'. I feel sure that I'm missing some key information here, or have misunderstood something.

Thinking like a true Mr. Spock...

 

[Tom]

I think it was the right call to hold the line at friendship. Didn't sound like a situation with good potential. But often, that will also be the break off point, particularly with guys. Trying to keep the friendship going is likely a dead horse situation, and will just drag things out.

 

[jamie5136]

@jamie5136

It sounds like he wanted something more out of your friendship than you did. Not much of an autism thing, but more of a human thing.

I'm not a fan of unusual friendships myself. I believe in calling everything by its proper name.

No, it was both of us; we both equally got into this in that respect. I think it just gradually went in that direction due to both of us being lonely.

 

[jamie5136]

Maybe meeting in person would be a way to know where to go next, if anywhere, with your relationship.
I think if you guys keep on the way it is, the relationship will eventually fade away. But that is the way some things go and you will make new friends and he will too.
If the guy wants to end your relationship then I would suggest you just let him go with dignity and grace.

He does not want to end it; but I see it going nowhere based on the huge age difference. He sees this too. As the older person, I think I have to make a very hard decision. I really can't remain his friend at this point as it is just too hard.

 

[jamie5136]

He is young enough to be your son!

Not sure how you can get angry with him, when you are the much older one?

I know that many say: it is just an age, but in fact, if that were the case, then we would not age alongside the age we are and albeit, ones can look younger and their bodies react the same way, there has to be boundries in place.

Yes, I know this... it's quite awkward. I never thought I'd find myself in such an odd situation. I'd never go for someone so young.

 

[jamie5136]

Unfortunately there's nothing remarkable about dysfunctional relationships. They can go on and on and on...until one or both parties realize they're just going in vicious circles.

The choice isn't whether or not he's going to change, but rather when you choose to withdraw from a situation that is otherwise likely to remain "impossible" for you.

Otherwise codependency isn't a good foundation for much of any relationship.

It is quite co-dependent and does not make me feel good on any level.

 

[jamie5136]

@jamie5136 I find your post confusing. It appears that at times you have each wanted friendship, you have each wanted more than that at times too. Somebody, maybe both of you, have wanted to continue the friendship without anything more. "...we have tried... ...one-sided..." Is it 'we', as in both of you, or is it one-sided? In what respect is it one-sided?

If you have mutually decided to continue as only friends then I don't see how you could have a problem with him being 'not that into you anymore'. I feel sure that I'm missing some key information here, or have misunderstood something.

Yes, I can be confusing as I am confused overall. I'm wondering if I can be his friend w/out being jealous? I'd not say we are not into each other anymore, rather we both see the impossibility of it. It's a crappy situation as I love him as a person, even if he has AS.. me being a hyper NT, it is challenging.

 

[jamie5136]

I think it was the right call to hold the line at friendship. Didn't sound like a situation with good potential. But often, that will also be the break off point, particularly with guys. Trying to keep the friendship going is likely a dead hose situation, and will just drag things out.

I totally agree. This is going to be hard.

 

[AO1501]

Yes, I can be confusing as I am confused overall. I'm wondering if I can be his friend w/out being jealous? I'd not say we are not into each other anymore, rather we both see the impossibility of it. It's a crappy situation as I love him as a person, even if he has AS.. me being a hyper NT, it is challenging.

AS/NT relationships can be very hard, but can be made to work, and the age gap really need not a problem in itself, but the maturity gap certainly could be.

I think you're right that the point at which friendship could be fraught with problems, is as and when either of you see the other engaging in a relationship with someone new. The potential for problems at that point are just too great to take a risk for the sake of a friendship that would likely never be easy to sustain, and could be rather one-sided.

It might seem harsh, but in this situation I'd be fairly brutal and take an abrupt and final axe to the relationship/friendship and walk away from it. That's probably the easiest way to help overcome the emotional consequences of ending it..... though I say that as an Aspie, so that might actually make it easier for him than you.

 

[jamie5136]

AS/NT relationships can be very hard, but can be made to work, and the age gap really need not a problem in itself, but the maturity gap certainly could be.

AO1501, You're right that the friendship could be fraught with problems, such as the other engaging in a relationship with someone new. The potential for problems at that point are just too great to take a risk for the sake of a friendship that would likely never be easy to sustain anyway, and could be rather one-sided.

It might seem harsh, but in this situation I'd be fairly brutal and take an abrupt and final axe to the relationship/friendship and walk away from it. That's probably the easiest way to help overcome the emotional consequences of ending it..... though I say that as an Aspie, so that might actually make it easier for him than you.

I actually like your answer. I believe we are both mature, but he has made it fairly clear that the age difference is simply too great, and I understand that. And, you are right, it may not be worth it to maintain a friendship as the emotional consequences are simply too great. I asked him if ending this whole thing is ok.. he said it would suck, but he would move on with life. So, this told me it needed to end. As much as I'd like to keep him as a friend, the one-sided nature of it and the fact that it bled from a friendship into love and sexual expressions makes it virtually impossible w/out me being hurt. I am disabled with a host of conditions and I certainly can't have him on my mind all of the time or being jealous of a new love he has found. Perhaps some time in the future, we can say, "hi," otherwise, it's too risky for me.

 

[AO1501]

I actually like your answer. I believe we are both mature, but he has made it fairly clear that the age difference is simply too great, and I understand that. And, you are right, it may not be worth it to maintain a friendship as the emotional consequences are simply too great. I asked him if ending this whole thing is ok.. he said it would suck, but he would move on with life. So, this told me it needed to end. As much as I'd like to keep him as a friend, the one-sided nature of it and the fact that it bled from a friendship into love and sexual expressions makes it virtually impossible w/out me being hurt. I am disabled with a host of conditions and I certainly can't have him on my mind all of the time or being jealous of a new love he has found. Perhaps some time in the future, we can say, "hi," otherwise, it's too risky for me.

You should know that if he is 'typical' AS, a clean and swift break would usually be easier (for him) than anything else, because many of us can simply disconnect and walk away, and that is quite possibly going to help him do that.

Your issues may dictate an alternative way is necessary instead, but if you can steel yourself to the short-term sense of loss, it likely would be better for you too. Observably, the greatest impediment to moving on in a situation like this, is continuing to linger in the past. That may make the short term easier to contend with, but the longer term would become much harder.

 

[Judge]

It is quite co-dependent and does not make me feel good on any level.

Seems the most logical move is to simply terminate the friendship in your own best interest.

Rather than "crash and burn", eject-eject-eject.

 

[jamie5136]

You should know that if he is 'typical' AS, a clean and swift break would usually be easier (for him) than anything else, because many of us can simply disconnect and walk away, and that is quite possibly going to help him do that.

Your issues may dictate an alternative way is necessary instead, but if you can steel yourself to the short-term sense of loss, it likely would be better for you too. Observably, the greatest impediment to moving on in a situation like this, is continuing to linger in the past. That may make the short term easier to contend with, but the longer term would become much harder.

I agree with you. He is the only person I have really ever met in all of my years with AS, so sometimes his coldness can be very hurtful, to be honest. This also makes our friendship strained at times. No, the sad part is that he won't even lose a night's rest whereas I will cry for weeks and then hopefully move on. Honestly, I wish that we would have remained ONLY good friends, like a big sister or just an older friend. These feelings of love and a sexual connection had to creep in and mess it all up. Now I have to lose a really special person to spare my own feelings and his feelings of frustration too. This is going to be a huge loss. My father is dying, I live alone and he is one of my only friends. I can only connect with people who are on the spectrum as I enjoy their honesty and intelligence. I don't see this much with NT's. I would say I may be on the spectrum myself, but as an empath, I really related to people with AS. I find most NT's to be dishonest and confusing. The only part I don't like is their coldness. I hope I am making sense. Thanks.

 

[jamie5136]

Seems the most logical move is to simply terminate the friendship in your own best interest.

Rather than "crash and burn", eject-eject-eject.

Yes, I know. We are going to discuss it. He is not going to be happy, but he is very matter of fact and never seems to get upset, unless it's anger. I am going to miss him so much. I'm crying just thinking about it.