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Bridge Burning - anyone else?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by barbarian, Jun 9, 2021.

  1. barbarian

    barbarian Member

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    I just replied to this thread:
    What do you struggle with the most?

    And realized this could be a nice topic of discussion to see if it's only me or anyone else relates as well.

    "Bridge Burning", from urban dictionary:

    1) The act of unpleasantly and permanently ending relations with another person, or an organization.
    2) To act harshly/disgracefully upon leaving a situation to ensure that you will not be welcomed back.
    3) To cut off the way upon which you came from, making it impossible to return or retreat.

    My major struggle is with social "bridge burning". You know all that talk about how you have to """network""" (I hate this stupid buzzword) to get things, e.g have a good relation to people you work with, worked with, and will work with?

    That's a huge one for me. When I'm done with something, I realize there is no point in maintaining a relation with anyone related to that "something".

    One of the things that terrify me is a future employer asking my former employers for reference. It's not that I ever treated anyone bad, but I was never warm or said "goodbye" when a job contract was over/when I quit, and in my country being over friendly is a BIG part of social interaction. It worries me the amount of people that hold grudges that could potentially damage me and I don't even know about.
     
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  2. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    The way in which an ASD person leaves their employment &/or relationship is potentially different than a person not ASD.

    Capabilities are diminished during times of high stress.

    Unfortunately, for most of us this isn’t understoood or well tolerated. The person under stress can flounder and even panic.

    Having a plan in place ahead of time which all parties agree to and acknowledge might help. People don’t necessarily carry through on what they’ve agreed on though.
     
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  3. RenameMePlease

    RenameMePlease Two lefts don't make a right, but three do...

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    I wouldn't say what you do is considered burning bridges. You seem to not have any sort of connection to a former workplace and former coworkers once you leave that job.

    Burning bridges is more severe. Like if you quit in a rage and told your boss to kiss-off or something. There's likely no returning from telling your boss to kiss-off, hence the idiom burning bridges. Once a bridge is burned, it's gone and will take a lot of work to rebuild.

    I'm similar in that any friends I make at work are work friends. Once I no longer work at a place, I don't really keep in touch anymore.
     
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  4. barbarian

    barbarian Member

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    I don't know if you understood it that way, but I don't do it on purpose. The "burnt bridge" only shows itself way after it happened, and the reasons why I left a bad impression are usually unclear, although I feel a weird atmosphere if I have to talk to some people involved in those past environments again.

    Maybe in other countries this is different, but the simple fact that you don't talk much and don't smile much can leave a bad impression here, specially if you don't make a huge speech about how great everything was when it's time to leave.

    It's all really weird.
     
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  5. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Huh, do employers actually do the whole "check up with the contacts" thing where you are? It's been awhile since I had a job of any sort, but around here (US, near Chicago sorta) they always WANTED contacts, but never really checked up on them. Well, even if they had checked up on them, the "contacts" I gave them were just friends who I knew would either A: say the right things, or B: just not pick up the phone, which accomplished the same thing.

    As it is, them getting ahold of one, or even attempting to, never happened though. I always wondered why they even bothered putting that section on the application forms if they were never going to use it. Or if they had enough braincells to know that the people applying were likely to do what I did. I guess I dont expect "smart" around this region though.


    But anyway... as to the overall topic, I always got around this by simply not building the bridges in the first place, due to a lack of giving even the slightest fart. Ya cant knock over the Jenga tower if you dont even bother opening the box first.
     
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  6. barbarian

    barbarian Member

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    Heyo, fellow fractal appreciator.

    To be honest, I have no idea how common that is around here, but the slight possibility that the thing may happen gives me the chills.

    Putting a few things in perspective: first internship ditched me because I was "not mentally healthy enough" (they didn't say it, but they meant that). I never fought, yelled, or not did my job, they apparently got this impression from the fact that I'd miss work for psychiatrist appointments once every two months.

    My second internship was a real mess, startup wannabe company full of forced social interactions and the whole "company family" BS. Besides, my department's goal was never really clear, so I had a really hard time doing anything. Every single lunch with colleagues and BBQ party was like hell on earth. Quit after 6 months experience period without saying a word.

    My first full-time job ended when the Boss' son treated me like I was a 5-year-old golden retriever. We had an argument and I quit the next week.

    Rest assured I'd NEVER want anyone to call any of the people who worked with me on those places, and that's concerning to a point if I have to put those jobs as work experience on my resume.

    Thankfully, I saved enough doing freelance work and from the gigs to be cool until the year's end, but then I'll be back to the working hell. God have mercy.
     
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  7. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Here's the thing: When you interview, simply tell them these things directly. Face-to-face, not on paper. "This place I worked at before was a hostile work environment because X". You can then follow it up with things like "So that's part of why I'm here, to work somewhere that clearly wont be bad like that" because many interviewers love that sort of garbage.

    I mean, the REAL reason anyone wants to work anywhere is "I need the money, you blazing twit" but you cant say that to an interviewer when they ask that inane question. You'd think they'd just know that asking said question is a waste of everyone's time, but nope, they always ask it.
     
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  8. _eri_bellehumeur

    _eri_bellehumeur Active Member

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    In my younger days I actively burned bridges pretty frequently. I was not stable emotionally and was very impulsive, so spent a few years hopping around the country, never staying too long and changing jobs without notice. The last 7 years I've been more stable, but in terms of being friendly with coworkers, it's just never been a thing i was good at. There was a few coworkers i got along with at various jobs, but my issues with authority figures (I'm respectful but I have had people try to use their position to take advantage of me, and that was something I flat out never allowed or entertained in any way) have made me very nervous about references given to potential employers. I'm actually really struggling to find a job now and i fear that that is why.
     
  9. barbarian

    barbarian Member

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    Thanks for replying.

    Yup, that is exactly the point I don't want to get to. That is why I'm trying to be cordial from now on so at least no one can say bad things about my behavior. The problem is the days you forget to do that. That's when things go downhill.
     
  10. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

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    So long as you were capable at your job, you should have no issue obtaining a reference. Just call previous companies and ask to speak to an old manager, or the human resources department.

    Ed
     
  11. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think it's wise in general to always try and keep your options open. Also as we age our way of thinking changes. What seemed crappy at first may not seem so bad later on. One just never knows how things will play out. You don't have to go overboard about it and be fake friendly. Just be professional and not disagreeable to people in your work. Having made a positive or neutral impression is fine. Just avoid having made a negative one.
     
  12. barbarian

    barbarian Member

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    That's a big issue for me. My nature is contradiction and non-agreeableness lol. I gotta get that fixed.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2021
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