Boyfriend with Asperger's almost cheated. Advice please!

[sarajay]

Please, please think long and hard about whether you want children with this man. Being 29 and serious with someone is NOT a reason to brush off would-be infidelity -- whether that partner is NT or on the spectrum. You have plenty of time to find another man you love, should it come to that.

Hi all,

I'm new to this site but I can across it while looking up if Asperger's can affect someone's sex life and their urge to cheat. Please read if you have time, I would appreciate some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend (who has Asperger's) for almost 6 years. We have a very loving relationship and we are best friends. We never really argue and we understand each other pretty well. Although he struggles to talk about his emotions, he always tells me he loves me and I know he does. However, we haven't had the most exciting sex life recently (for a number of reasons) and I found out a couple of days ago that he had contacted an escort and was thinking about cheating on me. Obviously I was mortified and completely broke down. When I asked him why, he said he was feeling frustrated and hadn't realised that doing this could affect our relationship and our future together. He said he never linked the two things together as doing something like that doesn't affect his love for me. He had texted the escort the week before but never went through with it. He said it is the only time he has ever thought about doing that and I believe him (he's incredibly honest).
I have come to learn over the years that my boyfriend never recognises the consequences of his actions. When he upsets me (even if it's something small) I have to explain why I'm upset and how his behaviour has affected me. Once I've explained it he realises what he has done, apologises and makes a conscious effort never to do it again. As soon as I found out I asked him to leave our home. He has been staying with his friend since and has been texting me telling me he's sorry and will not give up on us as it's too special. He has been totally distraught and even his Mom has been in contact with me to check I'm ok (he's openly told her everything).

I was wondering, could this urge to cheat be linked to his Asperger's in any way? I didn't think I could forgive him for this but at the same time 6 years is such a long time and I can't imagine having a future with anyone else. I am almost 29 and we were planning to have children in the next couple of years. If I took him back, is there a chance he has learnt his lesson?

I would like to hear your thoughts, especially from other Aspie's or people who have been through similar situations.

Thanks.

 

[ksheehan88]

Please, please think long and hard about whether you want children with this man. Being 29 and serious with someone is NOT a reason to brush off would-be infidelity -- whether that partner is NT or on the spectrum. You have plenty of time to find another man you love, should it come to that.

He didn't actually do anything wrong...

 

[paloftoon]

It sounds like the relationship with the OP is not working out. If that's the case, a good middle ground might be platonic friendship if you can make that work. No pressure of romance or intertwining lives, but keeping a connection where maybe you end up helping each other find other mates or just hanging out and doing fun activities.

 

[Persephone_]

My 2 cents here:

This has nothing to do with his Aspie mind. Most guys act like that. But as Molly Polly said, he was fixing a problem, possibly...
I guess the better solution is talk to him, on an effect way that he understood that this is not good for your relationship. AND if you decide to forgive, really forgive!