Boyfriend with Asperger's almost cheated. Advice please!

[!!!]

Hi all,

I'm new to this site but I can across it while looking up if Asperger's can affect someone's sex life and their urge to cheat. Please read if you have time, I would appreciate some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend (who has Asperger's) for almost 6 years. We have a very loving relationship and we are best friends. We never really argue and we understand each other pretty well. Although he struggles to talk about his emotions, he always tells me he loves me and I know he does. However, we haven't had the most exciting sex life recently (for a number of reasons) and I found out a couple of days ago that he had contacted an escort and was thinking about cheating on me. Obviously I was mortified and completely broke down. When I asked him why, he said he was feeling frustrated and hadn't realised that doing this could affect our relationship and our future together. He said he never linked the two things together as doing something like that doesn't affect his love for me. He had texted the escort the week before but never went through with it. He said it is the only time he has ever thought about doing that and I believe him (he's incredibly honest).
I have come to learn over the years that my boyfriend never recognises the consequences of his actions. When he upsets me (even if it's something small) I have to explain why I'm upset and how his behaviour has affected me. Once I've explained it he realises what he has done, apologises and makes a conscious effort never to do it again. As soon as I found out I asked him to leave our home. He has been staying with his friend since and has been texting me telling me he's sorry and will not give up on us as it's too special. He has been totally distraught and even his Mom has been in contact with me to check I'm ok (he's openly told her everything).

I was wondering, could this urge to cheat be linked to his Asperger's in any way? I didn't think I could forgive him for this but at the same time 6 years is such a long time and I can't imagine having a future with anyone else. I am almost 29 and we were planning to have children in the next couple of years. If I took him back, is there a chance he has learnt his lesson?

I would like to hear your thoughts, especially from other Aspie's or people who have been through similar situations.

Thanks.

 

[Clintos]

I say take him back.

 

[Judge]

I'm inclined to think that some people are prone to infidelity while others are not. Regardless of their neurological profiles. And somewhat like substance abuse, that some can do it once and refrain from future encounters, while others simply cannot stop.

And that outwardly there's really no clear way to determine one from the other.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I think you'll find most autistic people to be incredibly loyal to the ones they love and their friends. I'm not saying there are autistic individuals out there who do sleep around for one reason or another but most wouldn't.

I cannot think of a connection to autism and why someone would cheat outside of just not understanding what it would do to a relationship. He sounds like he really lacks a Theory of Mind - the ability to tell what another person is thinking, as you are probably aware of if you know that you may need to explain to an autistic people why something is bad and what affect it has on others.

Most of us really do appreciate it when we're in a relationship and a lot of us wouldn't knowingly do something to compromise it like sleeping with another woman unless we didn't understand the consequences. Relations for us are not easily to initiate and we know that really well. When we're in one we want to remain in it even if we end up being distant, but that would most likely come down to being exhausted or not understanding how to handle a specific part in a relationship. I digress.

It's important to let the autistic person know what was wrong with their actions and the effect it can have and it sounds like you've done that. It sounds like you two have something special. As painful as it may be to find your loved one to think about engaging in that sort of behaviour I wouldn't throw it away on this account. But you two need to figure out what the root cause of what started this because it sounds like he isn't happy with his sex life for some reason.

 

[Nerdpride20950]

I'll play 'devil's advocate' for a minute and say maybe he thought getting an escort would take care of his sexual need without 'bothering' you with it. I could see this as a thought process an Aspie could have. You said that your sex life had not been the best recently, maybe he thought of this as a solution. PLEASE NOTE, IN NO WAY AM I BLAMEING YOU OR TRYING TO SHIFT THE BLAME! I'm simply trying to give an explanation for the actions he chose.

You say that he works on never making the same mistake twice. I would go to him and explain IN DETAIL how much this hurt you and how it affected you and your emotions. If, after this conversation, you feel that he understands and will NEVER take these actions again I feel good in recommending that you give him another chance.

I hope that this helps you to make your own decision on this difficult topic. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh, do take him back!

In truth, the guy did not actually go through it and was completely honest with you and said that he won't and once brought to his notice, realised.

He obviously loves you.

When my husband explains to me how much I have hurt him, I do not repeat it again.

 

[midlife aspie]

At the risk of being pilloried, I will admit that I actually did something like this about three years into our relationship. In my case, I was questioning whether I wanted to continue with my GF (wife now) or breakup, when a coworker started coming on to me very strongly and was very explicit about what she wanted. I caved, had one encounter, and put my foot down after I realized that it wasn't right and I wanted to stay with the GF. The coworker continued to send me emails and that is how my GF found out (for the record, she was not snooping, but had access to my account and was trying to see if something she had sent made it thru). My GF was devastated and it took a LONG time for things to settle down and routines to return. This Aspie learned a valuable lesson, and I have not repeated it nor will I, as long as the wife and I remain a pair.

 

[Suzanne]

ake care of his sexual need without 'bothering' you with it.

That is very similar to what I did. I got into cybersex and thought that at least it is not committing adultery physically. Only after sadly, did I see how wrong I was and how much it hurt my husband.

 

[!!!]

That is very similar to what I did. I got into cybersex and thought that at least it is not committing adultery physically. Only after sadly, did I see how wrong I was and how much it hurt my husband.

I actually found out my boyfriend sent sexual messages to another girl around 3 years ago, it was after we had an argument. I confronted him about it...he was honest and said he would never do anything like that again. Whether he has, I don't know. This is one of the issues I'm having though, he broke my trust then and has broken it again. I'm worried I will never be able to trust him after this and will never want to be intimate again, as there will be too many negative thoughts popping into my head.

 

[!!!]

At the risk of being pilloried, I will admit that I actually did something like this about three years into our relationship. In my case, I was questioning whether I wanted to continue with my GF (wife now) or breakup, when a coworker started coming on to me very strongly and was very explicit about what she wanted. I caved, had one encounter, and put my foot down after I realized that it wasn't right and I wanted to stay with the GF. The coworker continued to send me emails and that is how my GF found out (for the record, she was not snooping, but had access to my account and was trying to see if something she had sent made it thru). My GF was devastated and it took a LONG time for things to settle down and routines to return. This Aspie learned a valuable lesson, and I have not repeated it nor will I, as long as the wife and I remain a pair.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry to be personal, but did your sex life return to normal with your wife?

 

[dave_at_edi]

I'm a little baffled that you took a non-event so hard, after 6 years together. All he did was inquire, after all.

He clearly didn't realize that it would hurt you. "...doesn't realize the consequences of his actions."

You, on the other hand, know that the consequences of your actions are causing him tremendous hurt, yet you continue to punish him. Doing this to an Aspie is shameful, akin to beating a puppy who poops on the carpet.

How can you do this to someone you profess to love?

 

[Granny17]

For what it's worth, I think you should forgive this and forget it. Aspies truly don't do the "cause-and-effect" thing like we do, he didn't even go through with it. Sometimes I think we get so upset because society has pounded into us that we need to. There are extenuating circumstances with this situation. You obviously care about him, and he you. Call him back, ask him to talk to you next time if something troubles him so you can try to help, forgive, marry him, and have beautiful babies together! That's what partners and best friends do for each other. You become a team.

 

[!!!]

I'm a little baffled that you took a non-event so hard, after 6 years together. All he did was inquire, after all.

He clearly didn't realize that it would hurt you. "...doesn't realize the consequences of his actions."

You, on the other hand, know that the consequences of your actions are causing him tremendous hurt, yet you continue to punish him. Doing this to an Aspie is shameful, akin to beating a puppy who poops on the carpet.

How can you do this to someone you profess to love?

How can I do what to him? He has been staying at his friend's house for 3 days while we take some time apart. It's the best thing for us both, we need to decide if this relationship is what we both want. As I mentioned earlier, this is not the first time he has broken my trust.This is why I am finding the situation difficult. Also, the main reason he didn't go through with it is because the escort never texted him back! If she had texted him back then this might be a different story!

 

[midlife aspie]

Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry to be personal, but did your sex life return to normal with your wife?

Normal for that time. She felt inadequate for a short time and went into overdrive sexually. It didn't last, and in fact it started to go downhill during the honeymoon (actually got turned down several times) and really went south after our son was born. My imagination is better now. I'm in it for the kids essentially. We are in counseling now, and she is still bothered by that incident 15 years ago. In hindsight, I probably should have moved on myself. She's not a bad companion, but companionship is all I'm banking on for however long we remain together. A situation further complicated by financial issues. Sorry if I've been too thorough, but I am still wondering if that long ago incident is a factor in some of our issues.

 

[Suzanne]

I actually found out my boyfriend sent sexual messages to another girl around 3 years ago, it was after we had an argument. I confronted him about it...he was honest and said he would never do anything like that again. Whether he has, I don't know. This is one of the issues I'm having though, he broke my trust then and has broken it again. I'm worried I will never be able to trust him after this and will never want to be intimate again, as there will be too many negative thoughts popping into my head.

I admit here now, that I have been unfaithful a few times in my marriage and it has taken time for me to appreciate certain things, so if you can be patient, your boyfriend will learn, but unfortunately, it takes a partner to be very strong.

But for me, I also am a christian and so, combined, it is unthinkable to hurt my husband anymore and my Creator.

Like your boyfriend, when ever things went wrong, I turned away, but now, I have learned to just deal with it, rather than wrong actions.

I have told my husband that never again will I do such things and I am keeping to my word. Whereas before, I did not say that; in fact, I did not particularly feel sorry, but now, feel awful and wish it had not happened.

 

[!!!]

Normal for that time. She felt inadequate for a short time and went into overdrive sexually. It didn't last, and in fact it started to go downhill during the honeymoon (actually got turned down several times) and really went south after our son was born. My imagination is better now. I'm in it for the kids essentially. We are in counseling now, and she is still bothered by that incident 15 years ago. In hindsight, I probably should have moved on myself. She's not a bad companion, but companionship is all I'm banking on for however long we remain together. A situation further complicated by financial issues. Sorry if I've been too thorough, but I am still wondering if that long ago incident is a factor in some of our issues.

No need to apologise. Thanks for your honesty. I am concerned that if we do continue then I will still be bothered by this in 15 years time. I know it didn't happen but I worry it will always be in the back of my mind.
I hope you and your wife can work things out and have a long and happy marriage.

 

[!!!]

I admit here now, that I have been unfaithful a few times in my marriage and it has taken time for me to appreciate certain things, so if you can be patient, your boyfriend will learn, but unfortunately, it takes a partner to be very strong.

But for me, I also am a christian and so, combined, it is unthinkable to hurt my husband anymore and my Creator.

Like your boyfriend, when ever things went wrong, I turned away, but now, I have learned to just deal with it, rather than wrong actions.

I have told my husband that never again will I do such things and I am keeping to my word. Whereas before, I did not say that; in fact, I did not particularly feel sorry, but now, feel awful and wish it had not happened.

Thanks for your honesty Suzanne. I think I am a strong person and everyone else says I am, so maybe I am strong enough. I just don't want to make the wrong choice.

 

[midlife aspie]

Even if the event did not occur, the intent was there. I think understanding why he entertained this line of thought might be crucial to your peace of mind.

 

[jellyhead]

What type of personality traits does he portray?
Is he very binary in his thought process ?
What is his relationship with empathy like ?
How easily fixated / obsessed does he become with certain things ?
I'm asking as they may have some bearing on his thought process in this matter & if he even views it as potentially cheating or just a matter of getting what he wants/ needs without "bothering" you
That said , just because he may be able to compartmentalise certain actions in no way makes them excusable if they cause you pain or anguish !
Either way I wish you both every success in sorting this out !

 

[MollyPolly55]

The thing with having Aspergers is that we only see the world through our eyes and nobody else's. Our feelings and needs come before anybody elses. This is because we are not emotionaly built like other people. We have emotions when something directly effects us, but have a hard time understanding why someone else is mad. Since he saw this (his sexual needs) a problem, he looked for a solution. We look at things literally. So if you said "no" to his needs, than he might look somewhere else. And it's not to hurt you intentionally, but it's to solve his problem.