Books on understanding and befriending people with low self-esteem?

[Tired]

@Judge here recommended a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I got genuinely interested in it and will soon finish it. While the book doesnt feel particularly unique or talk about ideas I didnt already know, it explains them in more depth and from interesting perspectives. It definitely gave me food for thought, and I'll try to apply its suggestions more often. I know that I am a good listener and it is pretty easy for me to find friends, but I would still like to get deeper into the topic, because I also know that for many people who don't know me I may seem weird in the start, which is rarely a good thing.

Anyway... the problem I have with the book is that it seems to focus mostly on befriending people who like admiration and status. I know my SO and some other people who have low self-esteem, and they dont behave like the people Carnegie describes. Praise (even when genuine) and showing a lot of interest in people with low self-esteem can often make them suspicious.

So I wanted to ask: do any of you know any books about understanding and befriending (and maybe even helping) people with low self-esteem? I dont have the highest self-esteem myself, but its not the worst either, so who knows, maybe those books will help me as well!

I asked an AI for this, and it suggested The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, The Gifts of Imperfection, and Just Listen. Yet I wanted to ask here for human input and ideas as well

I’ve never read psychology books before, but I'm slowly starting to get interested in them.

 

[JayLapointe]

Unfortunately I don't have anything to suggest in terms of books specifically for those with low-self esteem. I was just going to say that with the DC book it isn't surprising that the ideas aren't new to you as that book is pretty old and basically the template for 100's of other books since like it. I think the book is from the 30's. Dealing with folks with mental health issues like low self-esteem wasn't really a thing back then. You were either crazy enough to be committed, or you were just strange.

I think you're on the right track though looking into psychology materials proper. Should I come across anything to do with the topic of low self-esteem specifically I'll let you know. I'm currently, very part time, working on picking up a psych degree. Only in the intro courses in at this point. Also taking a "Mental Health Leadership in the Workplace" mini course. Just started that, and I suspect there will be some talk around self-esteem. I'll report back.

 

[Tired]

Unfortunately I don't have anything to suggest in terms of books specifically for those with low-self esteem. I was just going to say that with the DC book it isn't surprising that the ideas aren't new to you as that book is pretty old and basically the template for 100's of other books since like it. I think the book is from the 30's. Dealing with folks with mental health issues like low self-esteem wasn't really a thing back then. You were either crazy enough to be committed, or you were just strange.

Oh, I actually didn't notice that it is a book from 30's, makes more sense now.

I think you're on the right track though looking into psychology materials proper. Should I come across anything to do with the topic of low self-esteem specifically I'll let you know. I'm currently, very part time, working on picking up a psych degree. Only in the intro courses in at this point. Also taking a "Mental Health Leadership in the Workplace" mini course. Just started that, and I suspect there will be some talk around self-esteem. I'll report back.

Are you doing it to understand yourself and people better, or you want it to become your profession in the future?

Thank you so much, looking forward to hearing more from you more on this topic. And good luck with your degree!

 

[JayLapointe]

Are you doing it to understand yourself and people better, or you want it to become your profession in the future?

That would be yes, yes, and possibly yes. Ultimately I'd like to work in some capacity helping those with mental health issues, particularly the cross section that is addiction & neurodivergence. I have a proper career at the moment that I can't see walking away from having more years in than I have left till retirement. But I'll retire early in my mid 50's. What I'd like to do is become a mental health resource as part of my current job, and then eventually part-time sort of thing work in addictions support in retirement. Early 40's now, with the aim to finish the degree by 50 part time.

 

[Judge]

Oh, I actually didn't notice that it is a book from 30's, makes more sense now.

Apparently Dale Carnegie's daughter has attempted a more modern update of her father's book. Though how "modern" it actually is would be anyone's guess:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1982171456

Dale Carnegie Celebrates the Relaunch of a Classic for a New Generation: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living: Time-Tested Methods for Conquering Worry

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I remember the hype when this book first come out. He made his living lecturing on it. Just noticed he died same year I was born.

 

[Matthias]

Low self-esteem can be overcome by regularly choosing to think more positively. People with low self-esteem need help to improve their thinking, not everyone else to cater to their self-esteem issues.

 

[Judge]

Kind of disturbing not to see a proliferation of other authors writing on the same subject in the present.

Yet many sources seem to continue to imply that Carnegie's book is "timeless". Not so sure about that...

 

[Tired]

That would be yes, yes, and possibly yes. Ultimately I'd like to work in some capacity helping those with mental health issues, particularly the cross section that is addiction & neurodivergence. I have a proper career at the moment that I can't see walking away from having more years in than I have left till retirement. But I'll retire early in my mid 50's. What I'd like to do is become a mental health resource as part of my current job, and then eventually part-time sort of thing work in addictions support in retirement. Early 40's now, with the aim to finish the degree by 50 part time.

Sounds like a great plan which doesn't force you to hurry anywhere. Good luck with it!

 

[Shamar]

@Judge here recommended a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I got genuinely interested in it and will soon finish it. While the book doesnt feel particularly unique or talk about ideas I didnt already know, it explains them in more depth and from interesting perspectives. It definitely gave me food for thought, and I'll try to apply its suggestions more often. I know that I am a good listener and it is pretty easy for me to find friends, but I would still like to get deeper into the topic, because I also know that for many people who don't know me I may seem weird in the start, which is rarely a good thing.

Anyway... the problem I have with the book is that it seems to focus mostly on befriending people who like admiration and status. I know my SO and some other people who have low self-esteem, and they dont behave like the people Carnegie describes. Praise (even when genuine) and showing a lot of interest in people with low self-esteem can often make them suspicious.

So I wanted to ask: do any of you know any books about understanding and befriending (and maybe even helping) people with low self-esteem? I dont have the highest self-esteem myself, but its not the worst either, so who knows, maybe those books will help me as well!

I asked an AI for this, and it suggested The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, The Gifts of Imperfection, and Just Listen. Yet I wanted to ask here for human input and ideas as well

I’ve never read psychology books before, but I'm slowly starting to get interested in them.

The Carnegie book was written for NTs, and people who are capable of communicating (and actually having friendships). I read it, and found it nearly useless because it assumed capabilities I did not have. If you are not capable of basic socializing, the book is pretty much useless, as you found out.

In a similar situation, I once signed up for a job finding course I couldn't really afford. The gist of it was to go to someone in authority of a company, introduce yourself, and ask for references. Then, go to those references and ask for more references, eventually building a network of people to advise you of suitable job openings. I could not imagine being capable of doing anything close to that. I only learned this after I paid (no refunds). This was long before I learned about my autism.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The Carnegie book was written for NTs, and people who are capable of communicating (and actually having friendships). I read it, and found it nearly useless because it assumed capabilities I did not have. If you are not capable of basic socializing, the book is pretty much useless, as you found out.

In a similar situation, I once signed up for a job finding course I couldn't really afford. The gist of it was to go to someone in authority of a company, introduce yourself, and ask for references. Then, go to those references and ask for more references, eventually building a network of people to advise you of suitable job openings. I could not imagine being capable of doing anything close to that. I only learned this after I paid (no refunds). This was long before I learned about my autism.

Did that also had no idea i was on spectrum what worked for me was getting so much specialized education and experience, I could no longer be ignored. Now retired and they want what I learned kept away from competitors. Net working not something we do well.

 

[Lou Laurinen]

Praise (even when genuine) and showing a lot of interest in people with low self-esteem can often make them suspicious.

I definitely find this to be true. I've struggled with self-esteem for most of my life, and people befriending me quickly, and frequently complimenting me sometimes makes me wonder if they are being facetious or making fun of me, or trying to give me false confidence while they go off and laugh about it. Might seem silly but these things have genuinely happened to me.

Doesn't mean I'm right, though I'm slowly overcoming this mindset. I'm no longer surrounded by toxic people and I'm learning to take compliments at face value. My self-esteem has gradually improved over the years, too, as I've worked on myself and gotten some help.

Don't have any book recommendations, psychology and social dynamics books are usually out of my wheelhouse, but just wanted to share that you made a very correct observation that I relate to (my husband, who probably struggles even more with confidence than I do, has been working on overcoming a similar mindset.)

I hope you're able to find some books that are helpful, and are able to give the people in your life who struggle with self-esteem the best support and advice possible
It can be really tough to overcome that kind of thinking, and it takes time and a lot of effort, but being patient and supportive of that person, and offering them genuine and honest praise is definitely helpful. Doing things that help heal the root of poor self-esteem (like finding outlets to heal childhood trauma) is also quite useful.
Hope this helps!

 

[AuAL]

Low self-esteem can be overcome by regularly choosing to think more positively. People with low self-esteem need help to improve their thinking, not everyone else to cater to their self-esteem issues.

Yes, our problem is within ourselves. If you think about many “problems”, this is a non sequitur. How do you “choose to think more positively”? Been there (in therapy), been given the CBT and “self-affirmation” lines. It was realising I was autistic (not broken) that set me on the path to healing. I’m not there yet. But a simplistic “think more positively” isn’t going to get me there. Maybe there are parts of me that are broken. RSD and an insatiable desire for external validation (that I believe I was explicitly taught during my childhood) have robbed me of simple solutions. I would welcome discussion of paths forward from others with lived experience.

 

[Matthias]

Yes, our problem is within ourselves. If you think about many “problems”, this is a non sequitur.

I had a low self-esteem for most of my life. I improved my self-esteem by thinking more positively about myself and the situations that occur in my life.

How do you “choose to think more positively”?

You just do it. You have the freedom to think whatever you want about yourself. You can use that to your advantage to improve your self-esteem. Here are some examples of situations, how I used to think, and how I think now:

I tried and failed: I'm a failure -> Praise myself for trying
I made a mistake: What's wrong with me? -> No one is perfect
I'm criticized: I can't do anything right -> Everyone has weaknesses. I can work on this to improve myself
Getting rejected: I'm a loser -> No one is liked by everyone. I only need a few good relationships anyway
Someone tells me I'm weird: I'm defective -> Everyone is unique

Been there (in therapy), been given the CBT and “self-affirmation” lines. It was realising I was autistic (not broken) that set me on the path to healing.

It sounds like CBT and repeating self-affirmation lines didn't help because you didn't believe what you were telling yourself while learning about autism was helpful because it led you to improve how you think about yourself.

I’m not there yet. But a simplistic “think more positively” isn’t going to get me there.

I didn't mean to imply you could just tell yourself things you don't believe to improve your self-esteem. I think you actually have to believe what you're telling yourself.

Maybe there are parts of me that are broken.

There probably are in the sense that everyone has problems and is flawed in some way. It's what makes you human and something you share with everyone else. If you're thinking "maybe I"m more broken than others," I'd say it doesn't matter whether or not that's true because it wouldn't make you worth less than anyone else and that's it's often not good to compare yourself with others.

RSD and an insatiable desire for external validation (that I believe I was explicitly taught during my childhood) have robbed me of simple solutions. I would welcome discussion of paths forward from others with lived experience.

I think I used to have RSD based on the symptoms I've read for that condition. I think what happens is negative experiences in the past trigger emotions when people react negatively in the present. One thing that really helped me was realizing that my beliefs (such as being different, not belonging, feeling rejected, put down, etc.) were based on my emotions instead of reality. Changing my beliefs didn't stop the negative emotions I felt right away. Instead, the negative emotions I experienced around others gradually diminished over a period of several months before my brain stopped reacting. It may sound simple (form more positive/accurate beliefs and thinking patterns) but it's actually quite difficult to continue firmly believing something when you don't notice much difference and the evidence (experiencing the same emotions for several months after changing your beliefs) seems to contradict those new beliefs.

 

[Wizardry]

Low self-esteem can be overcome by regularly choosing to think more positively. People with low self-esteem need help to improve their thinking, not everyone else to cater to their self-esteem issues.

I think a better way to frame this is that low-self esteem can be overcome by scrutinising negative beliefs about oneself that don't actually map onto reality or aren't objectively true, and not being primed to take things personally that aren't actually personal. I agree that people with low self-esteem are best-served by seriously examining whether their beliefs about themselves are actually accurate.

To OP: When people have low self-esteem, there is always a reason or reasons for it. Figuring out why they hold the beliefs they do is imo the best way to understand them, and potentially help them overcome those beliefs if they're based on faulty premises.

 

[BrianWV39]

This might be a bit out there:

But I am not really a believer in self-esteem. To me self-esteem is almost entirely attached to our egos. If we are pleasing our egos (perhaps more importantly if other people are pleasing our egos) we tend to have a high self-esteem. When we feel we are lacking in life or not having our egotistical needs met in some way we tend to get a lower self-esteem.

To me that is all there is to self-esteem. I find it to be an outdated view of the human psyche.

 

[Matthias]

Here's how I view self-esteem:

Low self-esteem: inaccurately low opinion of oneself (due to cognitive distortions or too much focus on weaknesses)

High self-esteem (aka pride/arrogance): inaccurately high opinion of oneself (due to cognitive distortions or too much focus on strengths)

Good self-esteem: accurate, balanced view of oneself, acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses

While a low self-esteem often leads to depression, a high self-esteem doesn't lead to happiness because it tends to worsen relationships (which research shows strongly contributes to happiness) due to people not working on their weaknesses and acting like they're better than everyone else.