Bereavement

[Cloudyday]

Hello,

My brother passed away this week after an infection caused by Parkinsons Disease. He also had severe depression for 25 years and was cared for by his wife and he did not accept visitors or venture outside much. Before he became ill he was in the armed forces and was abroad and this means that I only knew him properly when I was a child.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and ADD and I don't travel much, so this caused even more space between us. I feel so sad. My childhood days are coming back to me as little memories but after that is a long gap and then suddenly his death in his fifties. The funeral will be in a couple of weeks. He was very alone just as over the years I have been very alone but he did not do people at all. Once every three or four years we would meet at my sister's house.

We had much in common, being cut off from others, but at the same time we could not find a way to connect. I've received old photos from my mother and this helps me to remember how we were. I was almost mute as a child and very 'in my room' and absent. My brother was very outward and soldier-like. We were not angry with each other later in life. It was just that his illness made him stay alone. I suppose I wanted to go out and get involved, it's just that I felt so separate to other people.

There is no simple formula for working through grief. It is a natural process but odd in this case because so much has seemed to have been edited out. I miss my brother, but I miss him mainly as a child, because that is how things have turned out.

 

[Cloudyday]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having a loved one pass is always difficult, but having one pass under circumstances as you described makes it even more difficult. I have experienced it myself with a parent, so I understand. As you said, ". . .so much has seemed to have been edited out." Each person has to work through grief in their own way, as there truly is no formula. In the mean time, I would encourage you to cling to the positive memories you have and dwell upon them.

Thank you, Sportster. It helps to know that others have walked the path through these woods.

 

[Chance]

Hello,

My brother passed away this week after an infection caused by Parkinsons Disease. He also had severe depression for 25 years and was cared for by his wife and he did not accept visitors or venture outside much. Before he became ill he was in the armed forces and was abroad and this means that I only knew him properly when I was a child.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and ADD and I don't travel much, so this caused even more space between us. I feel so sad. My childhood days are coming back to me as little memories but after that is a long gap and then suddenly his death in his fifties. The funeral will be in a couple of weeks. He was very alone just as over the years I have been very alone but he did not do people at all. Once every three or four years we would meet at my sister's house.

We had much in common, being cut off from others, but at the same time we could not find a way to connect. I've received old photos from my mother and this helps me to remember how we were. I was almost mute as a child and very 'in my room' and absent. My brother was very outward and soldier-like. We were not angry with each other later in life. It was just that his illness made him stay alone. I suppose I wanted to go out and get involved, it's just that I felt so separate to other people.

There is no simple formula for working through grief. It is a natural process but odd in this case because so much has seemed to have been edited out. I miss my brother, but I miss him mainly as a child, because that is how things have turned out.

You and me are sort of in the same horrible place. My best friend (who is more than I could ask from a brother) is dying from brain cancer... it's sickening in the deepest part of me. He's only 37.

If not for the great wisdom of these great folks here on Aspiecentral I most likely would have never seen him again alive. He is being checked in tomorrow for terminal care because of the convulsions and seizures. I just can't watch any more of those. From what I understand he's going to be mostly sedated after tomorrow.

I will be attending his funeral very soon and I have already been asked to be a pollbarer... I said yes, but I dont know if I can do this or not... I have too but oh God I dread it...

I'm so sorry for your loss... I don't have any magic tricks or even words of comfort to help you... but I'm here to listen if you just need to let it out...

That's what a couple of very caring people here did for me in "conversations section" just 2 days ago and it was a relief just to let stuff out.

I figure I should offer to pay it forward

Loss sucks but there will be better days down the road of LIFE. There has to be.
I wish you peace and comfort... it's all I have.

 

[Warmheart]

My deepest compassion as you work through your loss. I am wishing you comfort and strength during this time.

 

[Crossbreed]

I felt very similar when my dad passed two years ago. I had very little contact with him (when my mom divorced him in 1969). I was able to reconnect with him some about 11 years later, however.

 

[Streetwise]

happy birthday to you in the words of stevie wonder

Hello,

My brother passed away this week after an infection caused by Parkinsons Disease. He also had severe depression for 25 years and was cared for by his wife and he did not accept visitors or venture outside much. Before he became ill he was in the armed forces and was abroad and this means that I only knew him properly when I was a child.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and ADD and I don't travel much, so this caused even more space between us. I feel so sad. My childhood days are coming back to me as little memories but after that is a long gap and then suddenly his death in his fifties. The funeral will be in a couple of weeks. He was very alone just as over the years I have been very alone but he did not do people at all. Once every three or four years we would meet at my sister's house.

We had much in common, being cut off from others, but at the same time we could not find a way to connect. I've received old photos from my mother and this helps me to remember how we were. I was almost mute as a child and very 'in my room' and absent. My brother was very outward and soldier-like. We were not angry with each other later in life. It was just that his illness made him stay alone. I suppose I wanted to go out and get involved, it's just that I felt so separate to other people.

There is no simple formula for working through grief. It is a natural process but odd in this case because so much has seemed to have been edited out. I miss my brother, but I miss him mainly as a child, because that is how things have turned out.

 

[Cloudyday]

Thank you everyone.

One thing that has helped me is my focusing what I learned from my brother and I suppose I have learned the value of courage. It may be that we leave a lot of teaching behind us when we go and when we go those who remain know what they have learned from us.

 

[Momo]

My condolences, I hope you start to feel better soon. If you only have memories of your brother as a child, then I suppose at least they're good memories. It's really hard to see someone when they're very sick and dying, like cancer and so on, sometimes I think it might just be better to remember them as they were anyway... Then again, this is me thinking of a relative, so I don't know how much this applies to your situation. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Gracey]

Sorry to read of your loss.

 

[Cloudyday]

My condolences, I hope you start to feel better soon. If you only have memories of your brother as a child, then I suppose at least they're good memories. It's really hard to see someone when they're very sick and dying, like cancer and so on, sometimes I think it might just be better to remember them as they were anyway... Then again, this is me thinking of a relative, so I don't know how much this applies to your situation. Sorry for your loss.

Thank you Momo and Gracey and to everyone. Each day gets a bit easier. Your support here has been greatly appreciated.

 

[oregano]

Sometimes seeing a loved one in the throes of final illness is worse than simply trying to remember them as they were. One time my BFF in junior high took me to say goodbye to his mom, who had terminal cancer. It was quite jarring for a 13 year old to try and reconcile the happy, healthy woman I remembered with the emaciated, pain-tortured unfortunate soul in the hospital bed. She died a week later. Fortunately, even though most of my immediate family is now dead, I have never had to suffer something like that again. Just look at the old photos and try to remember him as he was. I would x2 Momo's words, definitely.

 

[Cloudyday]

Sometimes seeing a loved one in the throes of final illness is worse than simply trying to remember them as they were. One time my BFF in junior high took me to say goodbye to his mom, who had terminal cancer. It was quite jarring for a 13 year old to try and reconcile the happy, healthy woman I remembered with the emaciated, pain-tortured unfortunate soul in the hospital bed. She died a week later. Fortunately, even though most of my immediate family is now dead, I have never had to suffer something like that again. Just look at the old photos and try to remember him as he was. I would x2 Momo's words, definitely.

Thank you Oregano. It is important what you say.

 

[the_tortoise]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Cloudyday]

Thank you.