Being told how I should feel lucky for being alive as a way to dismiss pain

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Sometimes whenever I am in pain for whatever reason, I am often told that I should consider myself very very very lucky and that there are people who have died from the same condition I’m in. I’m sorry, how am I supposed to feel lucky, invalidate myself as a person, view my own struggles and pains as inferior? Who are they to tell me how I should feel when they have no clue what I have to put up with. What do they expect me to do, pretend that everything is fine when it’s really not?

Has anyone had the same happen to them? I’d love to hear your experiences.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Sometimes whenever I am in pain for whatever reason, I am often told that I should consider myself very very very lucky and that there are people who have died from the same condition I’m in. I’m sorry, how am I supposed to feel lucky, invalidate myself as a person, view my own struggles and pains as inferior? Who are they to tell me how I should feel when they have no clue what I have to put up with. What do they expect me to do, pretend that everything is fine when it’s really not?

Has anyone had the same happen to them? I’d love to hear your experiences.

I'm sorry that you've had to experience this.

You're right--the rebuttal of 'be grateful you're alive!' is invalidating. I never understood this attitude, and it perplexes me sometimes whenever, in the retail, I'll hear the following interaction: "Hey Jerry, how are you??" "Oh, I'm six feet above!" It confuses me because while I understand that being alive is important, it just sounds invalidating if you're also struggling with something else.

I think the people in your life just don't know how to be compassionate and understanding towards what you're struggling with. Pretending everything is fine when it isn't is a huge socio-cultural norm (at least, either here in the US, or in the general populace of the world?).

 

[Hypnalis]

That kind of response doesn't always mean what the words suggest. I can think of three other ways it can be used.

Try translating it from ND (what we hear) to NT (what the speaker might mean).

 

[kenaij]

These are probably the same people that tell you not to measure your happiness compared to what others have.
The pain your experience has nothing to do with the pain others experience.
I have experienced the same thing. Although not as often as you say you have.
One of these experiences I am not ready to share yet. But another has to do with me assuming I`m autistic. I was looking into getting an official diagnosis and found the waiting time was about half a year. I was told if there is such a long waiting time there are people who need it more than me. Because they struggle more. But what they are actually stating is that because I`m able to hide a lot of my traits and struggles I deserve the diagnosis less so than others. That really stung.

Sure there are instances where you could use this argument. I have used it aswell in the past when someone said their life was not worth living and their life was the worst. I used an example of a friend of mine who could do nothing anymore because of a brain tumor. This does not mean that first person does not struggle.

But to say you are not in pain because others have more pain is complete nonsense,

 

[kenaij]

That kind of response doesn't always mean what the words suggest. I can think of three other ways it can be used.

Try translating it from ND (what we hear) to NT (what the speaker might mean).

I agree with this also. It is often used to try and make you see some light in your darkness. While it is a completely useless statement in most cases. It comes from a good place.

 

[Luc Ienn]

I suppose something I need to know more about (before I begin making assumptions…) is if the people telling you this are saying it in response to yourself talking about your pains and struggles, or if you mentioning the condition you have at all is what brings it up.

If, for instance, you’re telling people about your condition and their reply is “You are lucky to be alive”, I think that is supposed to be a compliment, and a way of people telling you that they’re glad for your continued living. It’s not ideal, but at the least we can assume that they aren’t coming from a negative place. It means that there’s still a chance to talk about it further and help them understand.

If they’re saying “you’re lucky to be alive” in response to you saying that you are struggling, though…well, it‘s comparable to when people would say things to disregard my issues. It reads to me as someone trying to dismiss it, so that they don’t have to think about it or address it.

That is projection and conjecture, though, and I don’t want to assume too much. I mostly say it so that you know that you’re not alone here in feeling confused by the intentions of how people respond to personal accounts of dealing with pain.

I’d like to believe that when you’re being told this, people are doing so with good intentions. If that is the case, it might be possible for you to speak up and mention how the phrasing is affecting you, while still acknowledging their good intentions? It’s hard to do sometimes, especially when someone says something in good faith but is told that the way they said it wasn’t okay. I find that some folks can get very defensive when people try to suggest better ways to address others…ND and NT alike.

Or, to heck with their good intentions, and just mention how it feels inappropriate. I think about how people with physical disabilities get treated often, usually infantilized and seen as both burden and champion, depending on how the situation fits. Ain’t no way in heck will someone get away with treating them with talk like that. Just not okay, in my experience.

 

[Richelle-H]

I empathize with your plight. At my age, there is not a day that goes by that I am not in pain on one level or another. Being alive in no way diminishes that pain and luck plays no part in my survival. Having almost died three times in the last ten years, some might call me lucky. The thing is, it strikes me as being random chance rather than luck that saved me.

Do not take that as anything other than observation. I am more amazed by the randomness of life and its effects on the individual. I would give anything to be free of half the pain I carry daily, but that is not going to happen in my lifetime, for the medical profession has not been able to deal with it. All tests show I am disgustingly healthy for someone my age. I just wish I could accept that, when my body is telling me otherwise.

Other peoples judgment of me has little to do with actual fact and I have never thought luck had anything to do with my life. I am just riding the wave and trying not to fall off.

 

[Rodafina]

Dismissing one’s pain and invalidating others is certainly a hurtful and unhelpful thing to do.

On the other hand, keeping our own pains and challenges in perspective can be helpful in mustering the right attitude to get through them.

There is a time to feel the suffering, deep and inconsolably. But if we get stuck there, the world can become dark and antagonizing everywhere we look. Keeping our own struggles in perspective compared to others, and realizing that hardship and happiness can coexist is a more helpful attitude for me. We can hate the things about our lives that are so hard while, at the exact same time, recognizing that there are good things, too. Lucky things, even.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@2Fragile2TakeCriticism, I don't know, but typically when people say things like this, at least in my interpretation, it's just another way of saying, "You could have died." Most often it is from someone who cares about you and is thankful you are alive, or perhaps, you were strong enough to survive the event, sometimes it could be interpreted as an actual complement.

I understand what people are saying above with regards to invalidation, but personally, I generally don't internalize emotional content, don't need validation, nor interpret what people are saying as somehow "uncaring". Maybe I'm an "odd ball".

 

[Misery]

There are instances where something like that has nothing to do with invalidation, and everything to do with irritation.

I've gotten that one from people before. Basically, it's like "yes, great, I get it already, you have pain, look you COULD have this worse thing and you don't, so maybe stop complaining".

That one, I used to hear back when I tended to vocalize about my pain more often (I have chronic pain caused by nerve & tendon issues), these days it's rare that I hear that sort of thing as I bring it up around people way less often. Yet still, every now and then, someone will say something like that.

Of course, some people still get irritated with me because I outright can't do a lot of things due to that pain (such as lifting stuff) and they'll declare me lazy no matter how I may explain it, so... that's kind of annoying.

And then of course there are others for whom it has nothing to do with irritation and is instead more like what you described. Can vary wildly depending on who is saying it.

 

[Angular Chap]

You are 100% correct with the word invalidate. I get what you mean, and all the little acts of invalidation start to add up over time.

Being told to "just suck it up because other people have it much worse" is fine if I was complaining about having a cold, but in my experience, a common next step is to invalidate flu symptoms that cause time off work.

Then invalidate migraines as "not getting enough sleep" or just denying I get migraines in the first place. Then invalidate a serious migraine that mimicked a seizure as "just a 24hr thing." Then invalidate steadily worsening anxiety as "all in you head."

The final step was invalidating autism itself. The end result was heavy masking and ultimately, burnouts.

What do they expect me to do, pretend that everything is fine when it’s really not?

This is a perfect definition of masking. And that just leads to burnout.

 

[Knower of nothing]

@2Fragile2TakeCriticism, I don't know, but typically when people say things like this, at least in my interpretation, it's just another way of saying, "You could have died." Most often it is from someone who cares about you and is thankful you are alive, or perhaps, you were strong enough to survive the event, sometimes it could be interpreted as an actual complement.

I understand what people are saying above with regards to invalidation, but personally, I generally don't internalize emotional content, don't need validation, nor interpret what people are saying as somehow "uncaring". Maybe I'm an "odd ball".

It is not necessarily uncaring but all these sorts of expressions have one purpose: "Your misery is making me uncomfortable, please do it somewhere else or get through it." It is why a very innate reaction to someone crying is just telling them to stop.

 

[Hypnalis]

Actually, while that construction can be used in several ways, I think the most common one is a justified attempt to provide some insight.

This one in turn has two sides:
1. "Tough love": trying to help someone who's "brain-locked" in a negative mindset that has become a significant problem in itself
2. "Anti-narcissist": A "get over yourself" for someone who is trying to over-leverage a problem to gain an unreasonable advantage

NT's can easily distinguish between them by the delivery. (2) won't be done kindly (which is counter-productive with a narc).

The same construct might come up defensively, but less often I think.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It is not necessarily uncaring but all these sorts of expressions have one purpose: "Your misery is making me uncomfortable, please do it somewhere else or get through it." It is why a very innate reaction to someone crying is just telling them to stop.

I think there is some nuance to this. For example, if my wife or my children were genuinely in a lot of physical and emotional pain, I would be receptive to it and be very supportive in any way I could. If, at the other extreme, I perceived their distress as a manipulative, toxic, "tool to gain attention", then I might respond in a cold manner, and probably would say some rather mean things. Some people are quite manipulative and create toxic, unhealthy, co-dependent situations for themselves and people around them. I have worked in health care for over 35 years and I can give you dozens of "classic" examples of this. Now, obviously, there's a lot of "grey area" in between, so situational context is key here. I am not sure if it is necessarily an "innate reaction" per se, as it is situational.

I do understand the "validation" argument. I could use the example of how some ignorant people just think that autism is just an "identification" or a "label" to explain away someone's "bad behavior", or that it is just "neurodiversity" without any understanding of the medical, genetic, anatomical, physiological, psychological, and psychiatric components.

But, like I have said earlier, personally, I tend to be an internalizer of my physical and emotional pain. My wife is, as well. So, I have NO context or perspective of what the OP is going through. I am more into the discussion of the topic for my own learning purposes.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

It is not necessarily uncaring but all these sorts of expressions have one purpose: "Your misery is making me uncomfortable, please do it somewhere else or get through it." It is why a very innate reaction to someone crying is just telling them to stop.

I feel that phrase is very insensitive to people who are deeply suffering from trauma and/or mental health problems that simply cannot be changed. It simply screams out “I don’t care about you! Stop your whining! I don’t want to hear it! No one cares how you’re feeling!”. It’s very invalidating to expect someone to stop what they’re doing, try to completely change themselves what they simply cannot change, and please the insensitive people. I am not a people pleaser, not anymore at least.

It’s sad how we are given unrealistic expectations being told to change ourselves and accept the trash talk all meanwhile they have the right to be overly criticial to please their own mindset.

 

[Hypnalis]

That phrasing is more likely to be used constructively than defensively.

"Defensive" is all the variations of "you're making me uncomfortable, please stop". It's possible, but that phrasing isn't a particularly good defense - and there are simpler ways to achieve the same objective.

"Tough Love" or "Anti-narc" are more likely (1 & 2, in that order, defensive 3rd or more).

Naturally whoever says it could have misjudged the situation, but there's not enough information in the thread to assess which of those three (or 4 - "none of the above") is more likely.

 

[MildredHubble]

Sounds like the "Toxic Positivity" mantra we were talking about in another thread.

I understand what it's like to deal with chronic pain. It grinds you down. It rarely lets up. It's distressing and exhausting.

When someone pulls the old "You are lucky to be alive/not have it worse/etc etc" they are committing a fallacious argument know as "Fallacy of Relative Privation". Just because people have worse problems, does not mean that yours don't matter.

Having constant, nagging, severe pain interrupts any attempt to concentrate on anything else, or prevents you from engaging in activities that might be good for your mental health.

Making someone aware of your pain "inconveniences" them for a moment but your pain inconveniences you constantly. When they suffer your pain vicariously, they want to shove it away. You don't have that option.

Sometimes we need to externalise how we are feeling. But as a society we seem to be so intolerant of other people's discomfort that it's almost viewed as a moral failure to express any discomfort.

To paraphrase what I said in the thread on toxic positivity, ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. "Happy thoughts" are rarely effective either.

Sadly most people are used to pain being a temporary thing. They have barely any idea of what it's like to have constant pain.

Don't be afraid of talking about how your pain is effecting you here. There's lots of people here who will be sympathetic, empathetic and won't invalidate how you are feeling.

As for how to make pain less disruptive, unfortunately, I haven't a clue :-( But if I find anything that works I will certainly let you know.

 

[Au Naturel]

Toxic positivity strikes again. It is an extreme version of "look on the bright side."

Things could be worse, and it is reasonable to be thankful that things aren't. That doesn't take any of one's existing pain away. Pain needs to be treated, not ignored.

OTOH, one should not allow one's pain to define them. Even a person in pain needs to look for positive things in life. Empathy is the sharing of others' feelings. If all you have to share is pain, empathy won't be very rewarding for them.

That kind of talk implies that your feelings are unimportant to the person saying it. It lacks empathy. They would not say that to themselves if they were going through the same. I doubt they'd say it to their child, spouse, or even a friend.

 

[Fino]

Why is it luck to be alive anyway

 

[Au Naturel]

Why is it luck to be alive anyway

Either it is luck, or it is inevitable. There is a physics argument to be made that luck does not exist, and the world is completely deterministic. I'm not sure how that coexists with quantum uncertainty.