Behavior

[Mark_D]

Have you been told by someone "you could change your behavior but you choose not to"? I've been trying to be aware of how I come across, but it's kind of hard especially when someone is being verbally abusive.

 

[King_Oni]

The only ones that actually want me to change my behaviour are the ones that are "responsible" to get me employed (social services, job centers). But honestly, I don't see a lot good coming from that. I wouldn't even know where to start and what to change... on top of that my therapist adviced against this since I might be prone to more "disassociative" behaviour and thus it can go totally wrong.

For me personally, my behaviour is intertwined with interests, hobbies, preferences and all that, and giving all that up isn't the best thing to do in my opinion. Add in there's a lot of stuff where I practically already went past "the point of no return", and for change to be positive, those things should be included, which they can't. So it'll be a giant relapse of sorts over time.

Becoming aware of yourself, I found, doesn't work when you're involved with other people at all. I've spent quite some time pretty much without anything social going on and that's where I at least perceived my behaviour. That included no friends, and pretty much no parents either. Just lock myself up in my room and think about how I go on about things. Though I think it's not for everyone to just leave the house for groceries and pretty much don't talk to anyone for a few months.

I also found that any type of insight towards oneself, should be done in a vacuum. There shouldn't be any interference by others, and especially no negative interference. If anything, these people, especially the ones that want you to change, should be supportive and insightful. And with that, insightful on a generic basis, not on a basis on what THEY want.

 

[Mark_D]

The thing that leaves me confused is when I ask what I'm doing that exacerbates relationship problems, I get no specifics. Maybe that's a bit anal, but I need a focal point. It just confuses me to be asked to make broad, nonspecific changes.

I say don't ask for something and not tell me what it is. In counseling we are told to name specific problems to address. That I can do. I don't mind working on behavior that's counterproductive in all aspects of my life. I need to communicate better at work and at home to avoid misunderstandings. It saves time and stress.

 

[King_Oni]

Oh... I totally agree with you. If you're having some kind of problem.. or someone is having some kind of problem with you, they should address the problem by name. It's not a game by any stretch. If someone would tell me what's wrong with my behavior, and can address what exactly is wrong with it, and eventually give me advice how to work on it, I can decide if I would like to try this and if it's even reasonable.

Improving communication is one thing, but it would also mean that the other person is ready and willing to listen and work on it with you.

Judging from your post about your relationship with your wife where she thinks you're the "crazy" one... well, so be it. If you're the crazy one, perhaps she should learn to be supportive of "the crazy one". And if that means being clear and concise and explain you things, as if she's talking to a child, then perhaps she should meet you halfway and work on that.

Wherever there's something wrong with communication I'm quite convinced that it's a 2-way thing. It's the first thing I've been told in communication classes while attending uni for my journalism course. People shouldn't speak in riddles, shouldn't make it a guessing game and take some responsibility of faulty communication themselves. If my girlfriend is trying to tell me something and I have no clue what she's on about, it makes perfect sense to ask her if she can explain what she means exactly, and as such we should sit down. If I'm not willing to take the time to listen, or take some measures to make my understanding of her easier, it's no wonder people have faulty communication.

Funny how "addressing problems by name" ends up in a small informative rant about communication, lol

 

[Mark_D]

Oh, communication is definitely a two way street. No doubt about it. As If it weren't already self-evident, the Air Force provided me with training in this. They covered it well in the NCO Academy and I got more in-depth exposure to the subject in my training to be an instructor.

For communication to occur, there must be both a sender and a receiver. Information transfer must be clear and understood by the receiver. If the sender is not clear, reception of the information is incomplete at best. Trying to listen to a radio with excessive static (interference) is useless. If your radio needs to be adjusted or is broken that's your. If the transmitted signal is weak or distorted, that's the transmitter's problem.

Simplistic, I know, but the concept seems to elude many people, NT or otherwise. Here Endeth the lesson.

 

[Peace]

I agree with King Oni,
Beware of those who love us, but want us to change. I believe in this: "Things Change, People Don't". Can we really change who we are? I do not believe it is so. I believe in accepting people for who they are, not asking that they change to suit me.